Title: Selfish
Disclaimer: I do not own Kimi ni Todoke
Summary: Kazehaya "Refreshing" Shouta isn't all he seems to be. Behind the smiles of everyone's favorite classmate, only his girlfriend Sawako knows his real nature when he does not hold back. "I gave you fair warning. I'm super selfish."
Note:Takes place after chapter 71 and beyond.


"I…want to be someone who suits you but my scary side keeps emerging arbitrarily because I do things as I please." – Ch 73 (Kazehaya Shouta)


Everything changed after their first kiss. Not immediately. But it started pacing from there. In the slightly-crowded cafe where they took refuge from the snow, Kazehaya Shouta finally confides his feelings towards his girlfriend. Recently, he had been avoiding her, which had led Sawako to believe he was no longer in love with her. The idea of which was absurd to the young man. But they managed to clear up the misunderstanding fairly easily and exchanged Christmas presents.

I'm… definitely not who Kuronuma thinks I am.

His words rang in Sawako's ears that night, as she tried to sleep.

I might be the one who hurts you more than anyone else.

He had said that with conviction that startled her. She yawned, as sleep laid claim on her, pushing away those thoughts and replayed their kisses before she fell asleep completely.


At first, Sawako thought it was only natural. They had had a snail's pace relationship fraught with misunderstandings. And had been skirting around the fine points of the whole boyfriend-girlfriend equation for far too long. After their first kisses that winter night, it almost seemed as if Shouta was making up for the lost time. He would kiss her whenever he got a chance.

At first, it would only be after school when he walked her home. But that soon escalated. He became daring too and started giving kisses whenever they'd be alone at school. In the classroom, the schoolyard, staircase…anywhere, as long as it was just the two of them. It was embarrassing to say the least, but Sawako does her best and prepares herself whenever he was in the mood for his impromptu kisses. She loves him just as much as he loves her.


Kazehaya soon starts to become more aggressive. Inside the classroom, it's just the two of them. Everyone had left to go for karaoke. She had to stay behind to help write something for Pin. Naturally, Shouta volunteered to help her.

It didn't take very long.

As he is kissing her, her back against the blackboard, Shouta decides to up the ante. Sawako's eyes widen in surprise when she feels his tongue slip inside her mouth. Her hands gather to his chest and gives him a weak shove. He apologizes profusely. I'm sorry, I won't do anything that you're not ready for. He sounds so sincere. I just love you. And she feels a tug in her heart when she sees the guilt veiling his eyes. Seconds of silence stretches out between them. When finally, Sawako slowly reaches out to touch his arm.

I-It's okay…again?


They are on his bedroom floor one night as he requested her help with his homework. It is a boldfaced lie of course, he had already finished a week's worth of homework ahead of time. He is starting to get transparent.

K-Kazehaya-kun. We can't. Your mom is in the next room.

It's okay, she's asleep. He speaks with his refreshing signature smile as he scoots her into his arms. Besides, we'll be quiet. She wants to tell him that the ringing in her ears and their ragged breathing told her otherwise but decides to keep quiet as she indulges him. By now, she has learned how to reciprocate his marauding tongue and even discovered how to give little teasing bites on his bottom lip that makes him gasp in their kiss. It is still a little embarrassing for her. Never in her wildest dreams could she have imagined doing something like this with everyone's Kazehaya. It seemed like only yesterday that she was just a loner struggling to make friends and Shouta was this faraway paragon and the person she least expected to be friends with.

She is jolted back to the present when she feels his hand slide down her chest. He breaks away from their kiss and searches her eyes beseechingly. Is this okay?

She becomes aware of the modest fullness of her breast molding into the palm of his hand, and feels a tingling sensation and burst of heat spreading below her chest. She doesn't know how to respond. Shouta cheats by brushing her hair away and nuzzling his nose and mouth to her neck. Kissing, nibbling, licking, sucking…coercing her for the answer he wants.

And he gets it.


You seem different, Sawako-chan. Chizu points out one day at lunch, their tables arranged together. I can't really explain it…but you've become a lot prettier.

Sawako drops the beef strip from her chopsticks. What do you mean, Chizu-chan?

You look…so girly. Argh! I don't know how to explain it! Gaah! Her athletic friend soon begins to grab her hair in frustration. In her fuss, Sawako tries to assure her friend that her appearance is probably because of a new beauty regimen from a magazine.

Ayane doesn't say anything but there's something about the way she smirks that makes Sawako feel exposed.

Oh, is that all! Chizu laughed, picking up her chopsticks again. Her next words unsettle Sawako and makes her self-consciously grab her own neck. But you know, maybe you should find something else because you always seem to get a lot of mosquito bites lately.


He leaves her hanging on her expectations one night in her room. Her parents are away and he has her all to himself. But Shouta does not do anything and Sawako feels a flood of doubt drowning her mind. He is just sitting there on the floor, flipping the pages of his book while humming a tune. Sawako sits on the other end of her table, unsure of how to react to all this.

K-Kazehaya-kun. She sounds unsure.

Yes, Kuronuma? There is his smile again. But somehow it has a different feel to it compared to before.

Umm…are we…I am..err… She is stammering like a complete idiot and Shouta only looks at her, still smiling. She takes a deep breath and looks away. Forget it. It was nothing…

As she tries to put her focus into her reading, Shouta speaks up.

Are you expecting something?

The way he says it sends a shiver of excitement up her spine. She meets his eyes and finds them raking over her body, which makes her heart beat faster and her breathing shallow. His lips are curled—not into a smile—but a smirk. An arrogant smirk, a side of her boyfriend she has never really seen before.

Kuronuma. If you want something, just say it. He savors each word and there's something about him that sets off an alarm.

N-No, I'm fine… She answers warily and dives back into her book, pretending to look busy while hiding the scarlet fever on her face.

The drumming of her heart and her mortification occupies her so much that she does not sense what is about to happen next. Shouta grabs her book and tosses it away. She had not noticed his presence at all. Her reaction is late and she can only manage a gasp as he pushes her down against the carpeted floor.

I said, his breath fans her face, if you want something, just say it. She is caged, trapped in the middle, as his arms and legs are braced over her. His mouth is an inch away and there is a predatory gleam in his stare. Say it. He commands.

Why are you making me…it's embarrassing for me…

He moves his face closer, his lips grazing against hers.

I gave you fair warning, didn't I? I'm super selfish.

Sawako closes her eyes and whispers in a barely audible voice.

I want…Kazehaya-kun…

But Shouta hears it.


It seemed like a long time ago. Sawako recalls to herself, as she lays there on her bed without a stitch of clothing. She remembers distinctively how the two of them would get flustered at the mere thought of holding hands or when their eyes met briefly. Everything was so different now. It was straightforward and simple. In the past, they had to dance around their feelings, making everything so needlessly complicated. Now, everything was so much easier. He wants her and no longer puts up facades of niceties to get it.

They make love for the first time, it is awkward at first but Shouta covers it up by being aggressive. He plays her like an instrument, pleasuring every inch and curve of her body. Sawako tries to cover up her moans—but Shouta does not want any of that. She sees a new side to him, a Kazehaya so different from her elaborate praises of him from long ago. It takes her this deep in their relationship to see him for how he truly is.

And there's no going back now…because even if she should ever want to end all this, Shouta would never let her.


Shouta gets jealous easily. If a male classmate got too close, be it a friendly pat on the shoulder from Ayane's flamboyant boyfriend or laughing together with a bunch of other boys, he takes it out on her in private. She knows what upsets him when he becomes rough with her, as if he were trying to imprint himself on her. He becomes more curt and demanding, making her do a lot of things that could make even the stoic Ryu blush wildly. It is almost like an assurance for him (like when he sits and watches her get down on her knees to pleasure him with her mouth) that she belongs only to him. That only he can make her do all these things. Him, and only him.

Sawako remembers that day in school when her classmates first saw her smile. How Shouta shielded her away from a couple of his male friends because he wanted to keep her smile all to himself. If she had not been so enamored with him or have been so socially avoided for so long…maybe, just maybe, she could have seen this coming.


Sawako calls him out on his possessiveness one day while walking home late from eating ramen with their friends, which catches Shouta off guard. She is in tears when she confronts him about it. Shouta is silent as his girlfriend enumerates all his horrible traits in the cold night air.

Selfish. Possessive. Conceited. Jealous. Manipulative.

She sobs in a mix of hurt and frustration. It is then like a lightning epiphany that she realizes how she misses Kazehaya, her Kazehaya of before. The refreshing young man who talked to her and made it possible for her get along with her classmates. The person who did need to stoop to perverted touches to make her heart skip a beat. The Kazehaya who sat with her on a breezy night to keep her company. The Kazehaya whose smile could light up the loneliness in her heart. Kazehaya…

Her heart suddenly sank.

It struck her. They can never go back to that time.


I love you. I love you. I love you. Shouta cries out desperately, as he throws his arms around her in a strong embrace. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry.

He buries his face to the crook of her neck, and her hair starts to dampen with his tears.
He weeps. Of how much he can't stand to lose her, to not be with her. He tells her she is right about him. About being selfish and possessive, about everything that hurts her. But he loves her. He loves her too much to let her go.

I love you…I love you…

The evening sky is cloudy, patches of gray concealing the stars that would shine extraordinarily on clear nights. The leaves rustle from the ministrations of the wind. There is no moon in sight but Sawako knows it is there, hiding behind the dark covers that will soon come to pass.

She returns Shouta's embrace.

She has lost Kazehaya. But she has Shouta now.

And she loves him like Kazehaya.

Maybe even more.

They make love that night. This time, Sawako initiates. She holds the reins by straddling him on top, controlling his amount of pleasure. When Shouta is about to climax, she stops moving. And Shouta groans in frustration for his release.

Sawako…

She smiles down at him, her black hair falling like curtains.

I can be selfish too.

-fin-


Notes: I hope you enjoyed my first Kimi ni Todoke fanfiction. It was fun to write. While Kazehaya is a good character, there can be instances where he is possessive and impatient. And I wrote this, drawing from the chapters that depicted this, especially Chapter 73 where Kazehaya paints how he sees himself. I happen to think he holds back on his desires because of Sawako. He tries to treasure her properly by keeping himself in check, which is one of the reasons why it took so long for them to freaking kiss. I'm sorry for any out-of-character moments you may find (which was probably a lot).

"I might not be able to treasure you, even so, I don't want to let go of you for anything." – Ch 73 (Kazehaya Shouta)

"I'm a mean-spirited person…because I'm extremely mean-spirited." – Ch 73 (Kazehaya Shouta)

"I'm not lying either when I feel happy for her…but…I want to keep her to myself." – Ch 73 (Kazehaya Shouta)

"I'm fine with it as long as Kazehaya-kun's the one I'm quarrelling with. It's okay even if it isn't right…" – Ch 73 (Kuronuma Sawako)

"I also have…sides to me I didn't know about." – Ch 73 (Kuronuma Sawako)

"I lose my mind easily. Can you imagine just how much I like (love) you?" – Ch 72 (Kazehaya Shouta)

"I like to do as I please. No matter what others say or what they think. They don't matter to me." – Ch 72 (Kazehaya Shouta)

"I wanted to treasure you…" – Ch 72 (Kazehaya Shouta)

"If we get too close, I might lose myself." – Ch 71 (Kazehaya Shouta)