This is not a chapter, and I'm sorry for this. I know it's awful to receive an update alert only to find out it's not a new chapter but an author's note. But I think the readers that have been accompanying me faithfully for the last three years deserve an explanation regarding my disappearance.
As several of you might now, I'm married for nearly two years now. My husband and I have been together since December 2010 and got engaged in May 2011. For almost a year, we did the long distance thing because I was in college and I couldn't transfer to where he lived with a semester of school left. Then I found out in November 2011 that I was pregnant with our first child, and, since I was already done with school, I packed up my things and my dog and moved in with him. From the day I moved in, we declared ourselves married even though our wedding didn't happen until 2012 – we eloped when I was early in my third trimester with the boys.
The last two years haven't been easy for us. We lost our first baby when I was three months into my pregnancy and that's a pain I don't wish on anyone. Then months later I found out I was pregnant again and paranoia kicked in. We both were so terrified we would go through a miscarriage again that we couldn't relax and enjoy the pregnancy until I was very, very pregnant. Our boys were born a little early, about a month earlier than expected, but healthy, and for a while things were great.
The last year has been spent trying to balance being a wife and a mother and achieving my personal dreams and goals. For those of you who have more than two kids, you have my respect and deep admiration. It's so hard! I want to be a successful professional and to have a happy marriage and raise my kids right, and I always thought it depended on having a partner who you can rely on. It does depend on that, but it's not the only thing. There are plenty of other factors to count in.
Late last year Ryan and I decided to move from our hectic and adored city of São Paulo to the slightly less hectic city of Vitória where my mom lives. It would be better for us, and for the kids. Vitória has a less frantic pace of life and it's a city situated on an island, so it'll be good for us. We decided to take our time and proceed slowly with the move. We were both born in São Paulo (Ryan was raised here too, I wasn't), and so were our children. It's a city we love. But it has grown too violent, too dangerous. So, we firmed on the moving decision, leaving, however, it open in case we changed our minds.
The stress of moving has put a strain on our marriage. For the last four months, we have been fighting, a lot, over the silliest things. Despite being a person with an ongoing battle against depression, I'm not someone who breaks down easily. I love feeling relaxed and happy. I began to dread coming home to my husband and my children, because I was scared I would be greeted with anger and fights, day in, day out. So, separation became a topic we discussed. Not at length, but it was something we discussed having in mind that our beautiful boys don't deserve growing up in a house with parents who fought viciously.
But then... One of us would see the other with the kids. Or the dogs. Or the kids and the dogs. And seeing that reminded us of everything that had attracted us to each other. And we realized that, deep down, there's still love between us. It's just that we were so tired, so exhausted really, and so stressed trying to balance leading a normal life and prepping for our move that we lost sight of it for some time. So, our marriage, instead of heading to divorce, is on the mend, thankfully. We have decided to talk more and lean on each other more.
You all might be wondering why I'm telling all that, and I'm sorry you have to sit down through it all. But the point is, with my life going downright insane, my muse vacated the premises. I often sat down in front of my computer and... Nothing. Zilch. Nada. When it got to the point where I sent Rachel in a downward spiral in And I Owe It All To You (when I was planning on having her tell everything to her daddies and officially start therapy), I knew it would be fruitless to try and write anything.
So, here you have it. My explanation why I haven't updated. It's not that I don't want to update. It's that I haven't had the time and, more importantly, the inspiration for it, and I'm sorry. I know there are a lot of you who have been on pins and needles waiting for the latest chapter of Woman in the Rain, of Fatherhood, of To Be a Father and of And I Owe It All To You. I promise as soon as I have some time off and I feel any spark of inspiration, I'll write something down even if it's a page long.
Again, I'm sorry for the superlong author's note. Thank you in advance for your comprehension.