Welcome to Scene 4! So what's the Sheriff up to, hmm?


[Only trees on stage, general chatter]

Tree 1: What do you think of my new branches?

Tree 2: They really bring out your eyes babe.

Tree 3: I bet you get all the chicks with them. [cheesy wink because it's a shit joke]

Tree 1: I thought I'd get a trim, go for something a bit different. I mean, I don't want to be walking around like those year 9 sluts - uhhh... girls.

Tree 2: Tell me about it. No offence but...

Tree 3: Saying "no offence" before something doesn't make it less bitchy...

Tree 1: Yeah but, no offence but, some people fashion is so questionable. Crocs, really?

[Tree 4 enters]

Tree2: Oooohhh, look at her bush. She really needs a trim.

[Shabby Students enter]

Shabby 1: Ahh mate and I was at the fair and everything and I met this guy, ya get me? And he could tell I was well up for it so he took me up the back alley.

Shabby 2: Mate, you're a propa legend.

[RH and MeMes enter, talk among themselves]

MeMe2: I can see our target! Those kids look like students from Ye Olde Shabby School.

RH: Okay I guess we're going to have to try and blend in with our surroundings if we're going to successfully give them these iPads.

MeMe5: [enters stage with his crutches holding a branch in front of him) Will this do Robin?

Tree 1: Leaf it out.

RH: [to audience, empathetically] I really hope I'm showing you the value of care in the community and how important it is to spend time helping these poor, poor unfortunate [turns and shouts at them]…RETARDS.

Tree1: Someone's performance is a bit wooden. Get it? Wood like a...tree and wooden like acting.

MeMe 4: Boss let me do this; I'm on it like a Shakespeare sonnet. [walks towards students] ...I've errr I've got the stuff.

Shabby 1: You what? Don't be startin fam, I'll get ma mandem on you boh.

MeMe4: Nah mate, safe innit, I got the stuff.

(Hand over goods)

[Enter Beauty and the Beast]

Shabbys: Oh my effing Gawd, what the hell is that?

MeMe1: What is what?

Shabbys: There!

MeMe2: There's nothing there!

Shabbys: It's behind you!

MeMe3: Oh, no it isn't!

Shabbys: (with audience, hopefully) It's behind you!

MeMe4: Oh, no it isn't!

Shabbys: (with audience) Oh, yes it is!

(Audience interact with play. Actors engage with audience and make up lines. Eventually, Shabby kids leave, MeMe throw iPads after them, Beauty and Beast stay)

Beauty: Robin, I have something terrible to tell you!

RH: What is it?

Beauty: Oh, it's terrible!

RH: What is it?

Beauty: I can't say, it's so terrible!

MeMe1: Alright. Well don't say anything then.

Beauty: (screaming) It's about Marian!

RH: My beauteous sweet Marian! TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME!

Beauty: I can't, it's terrible! The Beast will have to act it out. In charades!

(MeMe all roll their eyes annoyed. The Beast begins to act it out.)

RH: (immediately) So, she has been kidnapped by the evil Sheriff of Nottingham, and he is keeping her hostage in his castle! We must go there at once and rescue her!

(all on stage exit. MeMe and RH return, looking for Sheriff's castle)

MeMe3: Oh wow, look, free bread!

MeMe1: Urgh, yuck, you don't know where that's been!

MeMe3: (gets on his knees and starts eating the bread) Tastes good!

MeMe1: That's really gross.

(Hansel and Gretel come on stage, muttering to themselves, retracing their steps)

Hansel: This way, this way, oh, it's stopped. HERE WE ARE!

Gretel: This isn't our house!

MeMe2: Sure it is, you pair of hobos.

Hansel: What? The trail ends here? Where are the rest of the pieces of bread that we put down so we could find our way back?

Gretel: Wait...you put bread down?

(Hansel nods confusedly)

Gretel: As in, bread that people eat?

(Hansel nods again)

Gretel: What, let's just go through this. You agreed to make a trail so we could find our way back. A trail that would last. And you used bread? Bread, that people eat. Bread, that animals eat. Bread, that birds eat.

(Hansel nods again)

Gretel: Well, you're a tw-

MeMe2: Little girl, I don't think that language is appropriate.

Gretel: I'm not a little girl!

Hansel: I'm a little boy!

Gretel: We know, your ex girlfriend told us enough (sighs, shakes her head at her brother, and turns to MeMe3) Did you eat all that bread?

MeMe3: No! No, it wasn't me. I was going to – I was going to toast it, have it with a bit of cheese, baked beans, some bacon...but I never got the fire making badge in Scouts (everyone just looks at him) It was Clive!

Hansel: (points at Robin Hood) Is that Clive?

MeMe1: No! That's Robin Hood. As in, the main character. Robin Hood, who gave you the very clothes you wear upon your back.

MeMes and RH: Yeah.

RH: Yeah, I'm bored now. I'm bored of Hansel and Gretel. Funny little German twins. How do we get rid of them?

(MeMe1 pulls out his lunchbox, grabs his sandwich, and then throws bits of bread offstage)

MeMe1: Look, kids, there's your trail!

MeMe4: You can go home now!

Hansel: Oh, look, our trail! See, I told you I'm not stupid!

Gretel: Let's go!

(Wave off Hansel and Gretel as they skip off stage, then turn to face each other)

MeMe5: What do we do now?

RH: (whines) We're supposed to be rescuing Maid Mariaaaaaaan!

(All exit. End of scene)