AIRWZAC

Chapter XXX: Butt-Sluts Go Nuts Volume 4! No wait, those X's are Roman numerals! I mean, The Murder Mystery Reloaded!

OUT IN THE HALLS:

Link (singing a theme song): Inspector Link, Inspector LINNNNNNNNNK! Sorta soft, sorta pink! Stupid as a brick!

Zelda: For once, you're surprisingly accurate.

Rauru: What are we looking for?

Link: Clues! (takes out large magnifying glass) Now then...(squats down and stares at the carpet)

Zelda: This isn't accomplishing anything.

Link: (looking up at Zelda) Hey! There's something big and blurry! (puts magnifying glass right next to Zelda's forehead) There's something...here...but...

Zelda: Do you mind?

Link: Not in the least! (keeps looking) AHA!

Rauru: What?

Link: Today is a Thursday!

Zelda: So?

Link: So...tomorrow is Friday!

Zelda: So?

Link: WAIT! HOLD STILL! (peers at Zelda's forehead) AHA AGAIN! (runs a finger along Zelda's forehead, licks finger)

Zelda: Um, EW?

Rauru: What now?

Link: THE MURDERER IS A BUNCH OF RABBITS!

Zelda: Um...

Link: Because here on your forehead is some kind of hair gel, and having licked it, I've determined that it's MegaRave Ultra Hold, which doesn't engage in animal testing, meaning that there are fifty or so lab rabbits that would have been held as test animals for the MegaRave corporation, BUT THEY'RE NOT! AND THEY'RE ON THE LOOSE! THEY'RE RUNNING AMOK IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW, CRAZED WITH REVENGE AND DRUNK ON BLOOD!

Rauru: Just one question: How can you tell what kind of hair gel Zelda's wearing based on how it tastes?

Link: Elementary, my dear Rauru! For you see, a few days ago I managed to get past the child-proofing on Zelda's medicine cabinet, and I drank some of the pretty colors, and then I didn't feel so good, and in the emergency room they said I had drank an entire bottle of MegaRave Ultra Hold!

Rauru: By Jove!

Zelda: Can we move along now?

Link: Righty-o! (squats near the carpet and walks hunched over, looking at the floor with a magnifying glass)

Zelda: This is truly pathetic.

Meanwhile:

MD (from inside the cabinet under the sink): Is it something you eat?

DED (in the bathtub): No.

MD: Is it something you use on a daily basis?

DED: Yes.

MD: Is it...Band-aids?

DED: No.

MD: Is it...nasal spray?

DED: Close...

MD: EYE DROPS!

DED: YES!

MD: HYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DED: CURSE YOU!

MD: Okay. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...T.

DED: Toilet paper.

MD: Yes. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...P.

DED: Pipes.

MD: Yes. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...T.

DED: Toilet paper.

MD: Yes.

DED: This sucks.

MD: Indubitably.

DED: Howzabout this? Who would win...

MD: Yeah?

DED: ...100 pirates or 100 ninjas?

MD: Ninjas, all the way.

DED: But pirates have blunderbusses. They have range.

MD: Ninjas have throwing stars. Besides, the pirates will never see them coming.

DED: Yeah, I guess.

MD: 100 zombies vs. 100 robots.

DED: Hmm. Close one. Both are tireless warriors who will fight anywhere, anytime, forever...

MD: Both don't mind having their body parts chopped off...

DED: I'd say the zombies, because the robots are more vulnerable to malfunctions.

MD: Ah, but the zombies are mere flesh. They'd slam against the robot's ultra-titanium casing, to no avail. Plus the robots have death rays.

DED: You never said that.

MD: I did now.

DED: Fine. 100 Ted Turners vs. 100 Bill Gateses.

MD: Turner, no contest. Jane's got him in better shape.

DED: What if the Bill Gateses had robotic Windows exoskeletons?

MD: They wouldn't work for more than five minutes.

DED: True.

MD: 100 pirate zombie Ted Turners vs. 100 ninja robot Bill Gateses.

DED: 100 robot zombie ninjas vs. 100 alien werewolf Terminators.

MD: 100 psychic mutant pirates vs. 100 winged vampire wizards.

DED: How much air is left in this room?

MD: Half an hour's worth?

DED: That explains it.

MD: You're thinking too rationally. You need less oxygen to your brain. (starts taking deep breaths)

DED: No...wait...stop...feeling...faint...no...wait...feelin'...fine...feel...like...dancing...

MD: Take me, loverboy...

DED: Maria...(drunkenly dances the tango with MD)

Meanwhile:

Ganondorf: (crawling through the ventilation ducts) Man, who'd have thought Zelda's house to have so much ventilation ducts in it?

(pause)

Ganondorf: I am so lost...

Grizzled Prospector Voice, coming from somewhere in the pipes: No ye'ain't! Eee hee hee heeh!

Ganondorf: Things have gone from weird to weirder.

Voice: Dag-gummit, boy, get yer fool head o're this way! Eh heh hee!

Ganondorf: Hello? Who goes there? (crawls into a large crawlspace occupied by a dilapidated wood shack) What the...

Small, bearded old mountain man, emerging from behind the house: Oh! A visitor! T'ain't been many a sight o' them folks 'round! Eh hee hee!

Ganondorf: Who are you?

Mountain Man: I'm yer insecurities! Eh hee hee hee!

Ganondorf: My what?

Mountain Man: I'm the sum total of all your fears, inadequacies, 'n failures! Eee hee hee!

Ganondorf: ...my what?

Mountain Man: Yer insecurities, ya dag-gum fool!

Ganondorf: Great. Just great. I'm talking to aspects of my own psyche.

Mountain Man: The physical manifestation of yer shortcomings, as a matter o' fact! Ee hee hee!

Ganondorf: Why is the physical manifestation of my shortcomings a short, bearded, grizzled prospector living in a shack in Zelda's ventilation system?

Mountain Man: Wouldn't ye like te know? Eh hee hee hee!

Ganondorf: Okay. Mister Insecurities, where the hell am I and how do I get out?

Mountain Man: What makes ye think ye c'n get out o' here anyhoo, ye stupid loser?

Ganondorf: Excuse me?

Mountain Man: You're an idiot, Ganny! Ye couldn't pour piss out o' a boot with the instrunkshuns written on the heel!

Ganondorf: How dare you?

Mountain Man: I'm yer insecurities, ya dag-gum fool! It's my job!

Ganondorf: Look. Shut up for a second and tell me how to get out of this nightmare!

Mountain Man: Ye're stuck here!

Ganondorf: The hell I am! (blows up the room with an evil energy blast)

Mountain Man: Yer only hurting yerselllllllfffff…………!

(room collapses, Ganondorf falls through the ceiling onto the floor of the room below)

Ganondorf: What the...did that really happen? (looks back up at the ceiling)

(the ceiling is exactly the same as it always was, no hole or anything)

Ganondorf: I'm confused, is there a gas leak in here?

Link: (rounding corner, magnifying glass fixed on the carpet, walking into Ganondorf head-first) Ow!

Zelda: (rounding corner) Did you hit your head again or...hey! It's Ganondorf!

Rauru: (rounding corner) Have you noticed that you eat popcorn at the movies but you don't eat popcorn at the opera? Oh! Hi!

Ganondorf: What are you people doing out?

Link: (cold-cocking Ganondorf with his magnifying glass) I'M runnin' this quiz show, bub! Now, where were you thirty seconds ago?

Ganondorf: In a hallucinatory confrontation with my own insecurities?

Link: WRONG ANSWER! Who are you working for?

Zelda: Don't mind him, he's just an idiot.

Ganondorf: Done and done.

Link: Don't skirt the issue! I have ways of making you talk!

Zelda: We're looking for the murderer. Darunia's missing.

Ganondorf: Oh! I just escaped from the murder closet!

Zelda: The what?

Ganondorf: Never mind. Anyway, the murder is taking people and putting them in this closet, for God knows what reason, and I escaped into the ventilation ducts and crawled around until my knees were bleeding and then stumbled into this chamber where there was this grizzled prospector who was the physical manifestation of my insecurities and got in a fight and blew him up and then fell out of the ceiling and landed here only there's no hole in the ceiling and I think I might have been hallucinating but we have to save everyone!

Rauru: Makes sense to me.

Zelda: I'm game.

Link: Avast!

Ganondorf: Whatever. Okay, the murder closet is over this way!

Link: Avast!

Zelda: Whatever.

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: I'm afraid no one's going to be coming out of the closet any time soon!

All: GASP!

Link: Wait. Did he just say no one's going to be coming out of the closet?

Zelda: He did indeed.

Rauru: Do you have any idea what you just said?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: No, but that's not going to stop me! PREPARE TO BE MURDERED! (draws huge blood-soaked butcher knife)

SFX: REET REET REET REET REET REET REET!

All: AAAAAAAAAH!

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: (uses blood-soaked knife to write in blood on a notepad) Okay, Zelda, Ganondorf, Link, Rauru, check, check, check, and...check. NOW THEN!

Zelda: What ARE you doing?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: Staying organized. Duh. SO! Now I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to go into the murder closet.

Link: Um, why?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: I murdered you. Ergo, you must go into the murder closet.

Rauru: That doesn't necessarily follow.

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: Yes it does. Off you go.

Ganondorf: But you didn't murder us.

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: Yes, but I EFFECTIVELY murdered you. I COULD have murdered you.

Zelda: So why didn't you?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: (frustrated) Look, you're murdered. Dead people don't talk back. Get in the closet.

Link: I'd like to negotiate.

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: You can't. Get going.

Link: But what YOU fail to realize is...RUN!

(everyone runs)

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: D'OH!

Zelda: (running) IN THERE!

Rauru: WHY?

Zelda: YOU PREFER THE MURDER CLOSET?

Rauru: DEPENDS!

Link: ON WHAT?

Rauru: NO, I PREFER DEPENDS! THEY'RE SO ABSORBANT!

All: shudders

Zelda: GO! (shoulders down the door, yanks everyone inside)

DED: Oh! Cameron Diaz! How nice of you to join us!

Zelda: Huh?

MD: Did you bring the spigots as we planned?

Link: Is it me or is there a decided lack of air in this room?

DED: Come now, surely you remember? Marseilles, '46, the cocktail, the rendezvous?

Zelda: Your brains are dying. You need oxygen.

MD: The drop has been made. You've been warned.

Ganondorf: So they were suffocating in the bathroom? Why didn't you just open a window? (opens the window)

DED: Hey! Don't! You've got to wear a sweater 'cuz there's...bacon outside...

Ganondorf: You're high on oxygen deprivation. Just breathe deeply.

MD: Fine for you, but what about the Baco-Bits people? They can't be happy...

Rauru: Anyway, we're fleeing the murderer. Ganondorf here killed his insecurities and joined up, and we're looking for the murder closet to rescue everyone.

DED: (shaking his head) I'm better now.

MD: I think I'm okay, but did Rauru just say that Ganondorf just killed his insecurities?

Rauru: No. Of course not.

DED: Okay then.

Link: We need a plan of action.

Ganondorf: Well, I know that Saria, Ruto, Impa, Nabooru, Malon, and Skull Kid are in the murder closet. That leaves Mido and Darunia unaccounted for.

Rauru: My good and my evil sides died of obesity-related complications, and while I was distracted the murderer swiped Darunia. He might be in the closet too.

Zelda: But what about Mido?

Link: Yeah, what ABOUT Mido?

Rauru: The way I see it, the less we think about Mido, the better.

Ganondorf: Come on! The closet is this way!

DED: TO THE CLOSET! (strides confidently into the door) OW!

MD: Do you need a push?

DED: Shut up! TO THE DOORKNOB! (touches doorknob) TO THE ROTATION OF THE DOORKNOB, THEREBY TURNING THE TUMBLERS, THEREBY RELEASING THE CATCH, THEREBY ALLOWING THE DOOR TO BE SWUNG OPEN FREELY! (turns knob)

All: …

DED: TO THE SWINGING OPEN OF THE DOOR! (opens door). TO THE CLOSET! (strides confidently off)

All: …

Ganondorf: The closet is that way.

DED: Oh. So it is. TO THAT WAY! (strides confidently off)

Ganondorf: Maybe I died of a potted plant overdose. That must be it.

Link: (marching off, studying the carpet fiber with magnifying glass) Onward!

MEANWHILE:

Saria: How long has it been now?

Malon: Fifteen minutes.

Impa: Do you think he's dead or just lost and starving?

Saria: All the good money is on dead.

(pounding is heard on the door)

SK (musically): WHO IIIIIIIIIIIIIS IT?

Ganondorf: I HAVE RETURNED!

Nabooru: Joy and jelly beans.

Ganondorf: With friends!

Impa: Happiness and ham hocks.

Link: Like ME!

Saria: Goodness and grapes.

Rauru: DID SOMEONE JUST MENTION JELLY BEANS, HAM HOCKS, AND GRAPES?

All: NO!

Rauru: You lie!

Ganondorf: Rr! The door's locked!

SK: IT IS? NO! MAYBE THAT'S WHY WE COULDN'T OPEN IT!

DED: Was that sarcasm? It's hard to tell with you.

SK: YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SURE MYSELF.

MD: Anyway, does anyone have any ideas?

Link: (thinks really hard) I know! Fire!

Zelda: Link…

Link: Or…(thinks really really hard) FIRE!

Zelda: NO FIRE!

Link: Sulfuric acid?

Zelda: Well...

DED: NO!

Ganondorf: We must think of some way…

SUDDENLY! THE "NIGHT ON BALD MOUNTAIN" STARTS PLAYING!

Soundtrack: BUMMMMMMM BUMMMMMMMM, BUM BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMM, BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

MD: Who the hell is playing that symphony?

Mysterious Cloaked Figure: Sorry.

MD: Oh. All is forgiven.

Ganondorf: Wait.

(pause)

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE MCF!

Link: Can't touch this! Doo doo doo doo doot...DOOOOOOOO DOOOT! Can't touch this!

All: SHUT UP!

Link: Okay!

Ganondorf: THIS ENDS HERE, EVIL MYSTERIOUS CLOAKED FIGURE!

MCF: My name is most certainly NOT "EVIL" Myst...actually...hmm. "Evil Mysterious Cloaked Figure." It's actually sort of catchy. EMCF. Hm. EEEEEEEEMCF! EEEEE IS FOR EEEEEEEEEVIL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! BLOODY BRILLIANT! Nice, nice. Repeat that. Slowly. Aaaaaand...backwards.

Link: Umm, "erugif dekaolc suoiretsym live, ereh sdne..."

Ganondorf: Okay, that is irrelevant. The point is, this ends here!

MCF: What is "this," precisely?

Ganondorf: You...your evil deeds. Your murdering.

MCF: I'm afraid not.

Ganondorf: And why, pray, not?

MCF: Well, for one thing, I just murdered Zelda.

Ganondorf: You most certainly did n...OH SWEET LORD! (Zelda is on the floor with knife in neck in pool of blood)

MCF: See?

Ganondorf: But...but...

MCF: But what? Oh, bye the bye, DED's bit it too.

Ganondorf: How did y...WHAT?

DED: Ow. (has pickaxe embedded in brain, thuds to the floor)

Ganondorf: But how...but you...but how...

Link: Is it just me, or has it gotten a whole lot more fire-axe-embedded-in-chest-cavity around here recently? (looks at chest, with fire axe in it) Oh. It's just me. (falls over dead)

MCF: Now, you were saying something about...what was it?

MD: All of a sudden, everyone's just dropping ERK! (dies)

Ganondorf: That wasn't...that shouldn't even be physically possible!

MCF: Well, you're never too old to broaden your horizons, as pertaining to what is and isn't physically possible.

Voice: Truer words have never been said!

MCF and Ganondorf: What the...

(flash of light)

Mido: (appearing) SANTIAGO! (grabs Ganondorf, disappears with him)

MCF: Hey! That wasn't supposed to be physically...OH! NOW I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE MEANT BY THAT TRUER WORDS BIT! HA! Well met my friend! This contest of wits is over!

SOMEWHERE IN SPACE AND TIME...

Ganondorf: Whoa. What's going on?

Mido: We're flying through time and space.

Ganondorf: How? Why?

Mido: You prefer Seňor Insta-Death back there?

Ganondorf: Well, no, but...uh...

Mido: Well...

Ganondorf: What's going on?

Mido: I used my time machine to save you!

Ganondorf: You used your what what to what who?

Mido: Time machine. Which part is confusing you?

Ganondorf: Since WHEN do YOU have a time machine?

Mido: Since it was fifty years in the future, and I bought a time machine at K-Mart, and used it to go back in time to prevent all my friends from being slaughtered at the Murder Mystery Massacre.

Ganondorf: That didn't happ...oh. I get it.

Mido: Yes, exactly!

Ganondorf: We have to use your time-traveling powers to save everyone!

Mido: Oh, this happens every now and then.

Ganondorf: Wait, what?

Mido: Look, it's simple. My personal timeframe is out of sync with yours, so I'm about three seconds ahead of you.

Ganondorf: What happens?

Mido: Oh, brilliant.

Ganondorf: Wait, I think you're about three seconds ahead of me.

Mido: Yeah, but it won't last long.

Ganondorf: This is severely creepy.

Mido: I think we're back in order.

Ganondorf: I think we're back in order.

Mido: Great. Okay! Here's where we get off!

Ganondorf: What? It doesn't look any differEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNTTTTTT…!

SFX: KZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Link: Umm, "erugif dekaolc suoiretsym live, ereh sdne..."

Ganondorf: Okay, that is irrelevant. The point is, this ends here!

Ganondorf: Hey! We're back in the past!

Mido: Yes. There's you, saying your stupid line.

MCF: What is "this," precisely?

Ganondorf: Hey, it wasn't stupid.

Mido: I have reviewed it a thousand trillion times by listening to it and traveling back to listen to it again, and I have to conclude, it's stupid.

Ganondorf: You...your evil deeds. Your murdering.

Ganondorf: Oh, la-dee-da.

MCF: I'm afraid not.

Mido: Can't we just stick to business?

Ganondorf: And why, pray, not?

Ganondorf: Well, YOU started it with your unnecessary "stupid line" comment.

Mido: Shut up. If we don't hurry, he'll kill everyone and it'll start all over again.

MCF: Well, for one thing, I just murdered Zelda.

Ganondorf: You most certainly did n...OH SWEET LORD! (Zelda is on the floor with knife in neck in pool of blood)

Ganondorf: Whoa. Did I really scream like such a sissy when I saw that?

Mido: Yes. Now it's too late. Let's try again...

SFX: KZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Mido: Time machine. Which part is confusing you?

Ganondorf: Since WHEN do YOU have a time machine?

Mido: Since it was fifty years in the future, and I bought a time machine at K-Mart, and used it to go back in time to prevent all my friends from being slaughtered at the Murder Mystery Massacre.

Ganondorf: Hey! We're back here again!

Mido: Of COURSE we are! Geez, did you get dropped on your head as a baby or something?

Ganondorf: Well, actuAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

SFX: KZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

Link: Umm, "erugif dekaolc suoiretsym live, ereh sdne..."

Ganondorf: Okay, that is irrelevant. The point is, this ends here!

Ganondorf: Hey! We're back in the past!

Ganondorf: Wait, this time there's a second set of us.

Mido: Yes. There's you, saying your stupid line.

Mido: OH, you IDIOT! OF COURSE THERE IS! THAT'S US FROM LAST TIME!

MCF: What is "this," precisely?

Ganondorf: Okay, what do we do?

Mido: Let's try this. EAT PARADIGM SHIFT!

(suddenly, everyone is standing on the ceiling and the furniture is still stuck to the floor)

Ganondorf: What was THAT?

MCF: Hey! Paradigm shifts? No fair!

Mido: That…wasn't as effective as I had planned.

MCF: No matter. I have already killed Zelda.

Mido: Crap!

SFX: KZZZZZZZZT!

Many many more attempts later...

Ganondorf: Okay, that is irrelevant. The point is, this ends here!

Ganondorf: Hey! We're back in the past!

Ganondorf: Wait, this time there's a second set of us.

Ganondorf: This is getting weird.

Ganondorf: What do we do now?

Ganondorf: Geez, there's like six of me now.

Ganondorf: This time, we'll stop them.

Ganondorf: I can't believe our plan failed!

Ganondorf: This time for sure!

Ganondorf: I'm getting awful tired of this.

Mido: I know. But we've got to keep trying.

MCF: What is "this," precisely?

Mido: Shoot! This is right before where he kills...hey! Wait! Look! On top of MCF's head!

MCF: Oh, like I'm going to fall for that.

Mido: Seriously! There's a naked singularity on your head!

Ganondorf: A naked what?

MCF: There IS? HOLY CRAP!

(the curvature of time and space becomes infinitely sharp on MCF's head. The universe implodes.)

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

FWOOMP!

DED: (wearing a formal tuxedo, with black top hat, holding rose) Good ehheevning. Let me be the first to welcome you all to this dinner party hosted by the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda, and the Princess of Hyrule's Non- existent Intercourse Buddy, Link.

Zelda: (does palmy supermodel wave)

Link: (wearing Mr. Green from Clue-esque green tuxedo) (smiles and waves like a 5-year-old at his birthday party)

DED: However, I'm afraid that the true purpose of tonight's get-together was not, exclusively, to gorge on shrimp cocktails.

Rauru: (in his nice, non-mustard-stained robes, with lovely velvet gorging bib on, speaking around great bulging mouthful of shrimp) ITH NOWT? CWRAP!

DED: Yes. In reality, tonight...(tries to gesture with rose, pokes finger) OW! STUPID ROSE! WHAT'S THE POINT OF IT ANYWAY?

MD (wearing top half of prom dress on top, and skorts on the bottom): You look like that dude from "Sailor Moon," but...that's about it.

DED: Anyhoo. Tonight, we have 14 guests at Hyrule Castle. One of them has murdered...The Running Man. (holds up a crime scene photo of chalk outline of person with bunny ears, bloodstains)

Link: Wait. Why do I care about the Running Man?

Zelda: Why does anyone?

DED: Umm, you don't. But that's all the more reason to...umm...God damn you.

MD: Let me take it from here. Anyway, someone has COMMITTED MURDER, and that's all that we need to know.

Malon: (in formal overalls) Never mind that the victim is an obnoxious prick who always beats you in races eventually and is crazy as a loon besides...

MD: Knock it off will ya?

Darunia: (body encrusted with precious gems) She has a point, you know.

Ganondorf: (in tux) I mean, we...HOLY LIVING MOTHER OF CRAP!

Everyone: WHAT?

Impa: Ha ha ha, you answer to the name "Holy Living Mother of Crap!"

Ganondorf: I've been on a magical time-traveling journey!

Mido: Indeed, Ganondorf my good man! We made it! I'm pretty sure that we should have died, but we didn't!

DED: Uh...huh. Drugs were involved, right?

Ganondorf: Um, actually, yes. But it was all real! And you were there...and you were there...and you...

Saria: Um, does your story have a point?

Ganondorf: Yes! Of course it does! Everyone gets captured and put into a closet, and then just when we were about to rescue you...

Mido: The mysterious murder starts murdering people! So I come in on this time machine and WHAM! Rescue Ganondorf, and then we go back in time to stop the murders, but it doesn't work the first twelve or so tries, and then there was this naked singularity on the guy's head and the universe imploded...

Link: Wait, a naked singularity?

Mido: Yeah! I mean, naked singularities, according to the theory of relativity, are impossible since they will always be masked by an event horizon! But there was a naked singularity right before us, plain as d...

Link: Was she hot?

Mido: You, I'm ignoring.

Ganondorf: So the naked singularity imploded the universe and everything started again!

Mido: Indeed.

Zelda: Um, right. If you're really from the future and you know how everything turns out, then who's the murderer?

Mido: Oh, I am. I killed the Running Man.

All: WHAT?

Mido: He was the next Hitler. Believe me, it was for the good of mankind.

DED: Oh. Okay then.

Darunia: Never really cared for him in the first place.

Malon: So where did Mido go when he went to the weapons crawlspace?

Mido: That's where I hid the time machine!

Rauru: Brilliant, Holmes!

Mido: Well, my work here is done. Time to go back to the future!

SFX: KZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!

All: BUH BYE FUTURE MIDO!

Ruto: He's much less of a dickwad in the future.

MD: Well, it's all been wrapped up in a neat little package.

Ganondorf: Now that that's over, let's never have a murder mystery party again.

Nabooru: Amen!

DED: One thing, though. If the Mido that was at this party was Mido from the future, then where's Mido from the present?

Malon: I guess we'll never know!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha jovial laughter!

DED: We could, like, look for him.

Malon: No we can't!

All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Mido's house:

Mido: Ahh. Sure is nice to be home from my vacation. Whoa! My mailbox is stuffed! Let's see here...Oh, what's this? "Dear Mido: You are, unfortunately, invited to attend the Zelda Murder Mystery Party this Saturday. Please wear formal attire and try not to be such a dickweed. Sincerely, DeadeyeDave." Shoot, I was gone then. Oh well, it probably sucked anyway.

AND THAT'S THE END OF OUR SHOW! (the Murder Mystery segment, anyway)