The Gospel According to Tenchi: a semi-humorous look at what life in the Masaki household might be like if Tenchi "got religion" so to speak, becoming a born again Christian. A third person narrative with first person interjections from members of the extended Masaki family

No Need for Good News!

One night at dinner, Tenchi stood up to make an announcement that would forever change the Masaki household. 'I can't wait to see their faces' he thought. "Everyone, I want to share with you all a decision I made today."

All actions that normally take place during a family meal halted, as 8 pairs of expectant eyes (8 if you count Washu's monitor recorder) alighted on Tenchi, and 8 pairs of chopsticks (and one carrot) fell to the table top.

"At last, he's going to make me his bride" each of the Girls thought to herself, pictures of the wedding, and especially (in Ryoko's case) of the honeymoon running through their minds while surreptitiously casting sidewise smirks at the other Girl. A quite different reaction was going through the mind of Tenchi's father, as he mentally counted the number of girls on one hand versus the number of grandchildren he could expect on the other (and quickly calculated the amount of extra-space the house would require). Mihoshi just blinked her eyes expectantly. Ryo-ohki looked questionably from Ryoko and Ayeka to Sasami back to Ryoko, Sasami, in the meantime clapped her hands and smiled in eager anticipation of big-brother Tenchi's announcement, wondering who the lucky girl was. Grandfather Yosho merely raised an eyebrow, and Washu glued her eyes to the screen, cackling with delight,

A small teardrop formed at the back of Tenchi's head as he watched the proceedings, but he pushed on anyway.

"I've been saved!" he announced proudly; awaiting the words of congratulations Nothing happened for a moment, and Tenchi began to get nervous, though he didn't know why.

It took a minute for Tenchi's words to sink in, which was the reason for the blank stares around the table. Then everyone did a major face-fault.

"What do you mean, Tenchi? Saved by who? From what?" Sasami asked, finding her voice, and speaking for the group.

"Well, Sasami, its like this…" Tenchi said and began an extraordinary tale of his conversion, beginning with his classmate Ikarii and ending with his joining a number of other classmates who answered the Altar Call of the evangelist.

"And that's when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior." When he finished, he smiled with eyes closed. It was good to get this off his chest, he thought to himself. When he opened his eyes he was in for a shock. Everyone had blank stares as if just having lived through one of Little Wahsu's lectures on temporal flux quantum phase shifting algorithms -although as it turned out they had a better chance of understanding Little Washu then Tenchi's explanation. Then the reactions set in. And if one thought pandemonium reigned in the Masaki household before, it was as nothing compared to what was let loose now.

Naturally, there were different reactions from different people, depending on the level and intensity of their affection for Tenchi.

Ayeka felt an immense sadness overtake her whole body, as disbelief set in. The worst thing imaginable had occurred, Tenchi had not chosen her "oh no," *sniffle* "Lord Tenchi, say it isn't so. Please, I beg of you, say it isn't so." Tears forming in her eyes as more sniffles spilled from her nose, she looked up at him.

For Ryoko it was the opposite tendency: anger, and disbelief washed over her "What do you mean, 'saved'? Tenchii?!" she snarled, fangs bared, cyan fair bristling "By who? When I find him I'm going to…."[censored mutterings and oaths tumbled out of the space pirate's mouth] so that he'd wish he'd never been born.!" Another sweat-drop appeared on the back of Tenchi's head, alongside the other one.

Mihoshi bubbles along with no change in her complexion, (and inadvertently causing a Revival when next she makes her report to the GP regional HQ); completely mis-understanding the situation, as was usual. "Oh wow, Tenchi, that's so fascinating. Um, could you pass the picked daikon?"

'what's gotten into my boy?' Nobiyuki thought, denial and disbelief racing through his hentai-induced mind, as he tried to take stock of the situation, and utterly failing.

Little Washu's face split into a really big face fault…realizing that this totally unpredicted action of Tenchi instantly invalidated all her theories and behavioral models concerning Tenchi…."oh well, time to start over again" she said to no one in particular, cracking her knuckles and summoning her dimensional holo-computer. An evil grin spread over her face, replacing the earlier face-fault; afterall, nothing could stymie the greatest scientific genius in the Universe for long.

Sasami was, -well Sasami was Sasami. She was the only one, aside from grandfather to take the announcement with anything approaching equanimity. After a moment or two of thoughtful reflection she said "Well, if this is what you want, Tenchi, then I for one am happy for you!" *little Sasami laugh and big Sasami hug follows, Ayeka, Ryoko break into a major face fault*

Katsuhito said nothing, merely sipped his tea as he watched the events unfold before him.

Ayeka started bawling suddenly, the hopelessness of the situation finally getting the best of her- tears gushing out in a long arc from her eyes. Then Ryoko started bawling. Then Mihoshi started bawling so as not to feel left out. Then Rhy-ohki started bawling, because Ryoko was bawling. Then Noboyuki started bawling. Finally even Little Washu was bawling all over her dimensional holo-computer even though no one could hear her from inside the Lab. Strangely enough, Katsuhito and Sasami were the only one's not crying, though a faint worried look crossed the little girl's face for a moment..

Time passed slowly, until, unable to bear the crying or the baleful stares of his companions, Tenchi excused himself to prepare for bed. …

Tenchi couldn't understand it, as he walked up to bed later that night; he wanted his family to be happy for him, happy that he had at last found true peace and acceptance in the arms of Christ the Lord. Now Ryoko and Ayeka could stop fighting over him. Now Little Washu could stop trying to get that last sample from him -his face flushed and a teardrop appeared just thinking about it- His father could stop pestering him with his ecchi comments about grandchildren and peeping. And grandfather? Okay, maybe grandfather would be a bit mift about it since Tenchi would no longer be taking over the guardianship of the Masaki Shrine, but still. Grandfather would understand, wouldn't he? The reactions he did get though worried him. He'd hoped for understanding. But instead, all he got was blank stares, anger, tears, and most of all questions…lots and lots of questions. He sighed as he entered his room. Maybe things would be better in the morning.

As things turned out, Tenchi was dead wrong: things did not get better for Tenchi, in fact he felt more and more nervous as the days went on. He was glad he was going to university soon. The girls wouldn't possibly chase him there, would they? (oh wouldn't they?)

As for the others? Well, to make a long story short (which is really a longer story for another time) Ayeka fled home to Jurai, crying (but she'll be back); Ryoko went looking for the unfortunate individual who converted Tenchi, prepared to rip his insides out (But she'll be back too)' Sasami stayed to cook for Tenchi, because well, as she put it _somebody_ had to. Nobuyuki cried his eyes out. Little Washu locked herself in her lab, determined to come up with a theory for Tenchi's extreme behavior (but she'll be back, eventually) And Grandfather simply walked back to the Shrine Office, sipping his tea.

Amen!