A/N: Co-written by Sarah (Gigigue) and Vibeka (veebeejustte). Those of you who wanted to see a story by us not in script format, here you go. This story is the result of a crazed rant in 2011. We promptly forgot about the idea until last night when a sleepover resulted in a delirious spurt of fanfiction ideas. We suddenly remembered the sheer genius that is this story, and proceeded to write it in about 45 minutes today. So here it is.
Disclaimer: We're not Tolkien. He's dead. So we don't own Lord of the Rings. Or Mars. Or anything in this. Except all the words in between the characters. And our brains.
How Middle-Earth Turned Into Mars
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful place called Middle-Earth. It was a happy place – most of the time – and elves, dwarves, men, and hobbits lived in harmony together. But of course, no one place can remain good for long, even if it is populated by a bunch of elves who are so perfect that the authors suspect that they are all Mary-Sues. Yes, that includes Arwen. And Legolas.
Anyway, way back in the history of Middle-Earth, the dark lord, Sauron, forged the one Ring (along with all those other ones that are unimportant), and began to use this Ring to take over the realms of Middle-Earth. He was doing pretty good too, until Isildur came in and ruined it all.
After Isildur's father died, he cut off Sauron's hand (gee, that was nice), and took the stupid Ring for himself. Then Isildur (aka. stupid jerk lord) refused to destroy the Ring, and kept it for himself. Luckily, some orcs came along, and that was the end of Isildur.
The Ring fell deep into the depths of a river, where the hobbit Deagol found it. His supposed friend, Smeagol (who makes weird noises in his throat), took the ring from Deagol by strangling him. Again, a great act of kindness.
Smeagol kept the Ring for himself, and slowly became corrupted by it. He disappeared into the Misty Mountains and turned into a horrible looking, um… thing.
One horrible day, he lost the Ring, or his 'precious', as he called it. A hobbit named Bilbo found the Ring and kept it, discovering its power to turn the wearer invisible. Bilbo kept the Ring through The Hobbit, all the way to the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring. Which we see as proof that he's greedy.
Finally though, Bilbo gave the Ring to his nephew, our favorite weakling who does absolutely nothing except look pained and put on his Ring once in a while, Frodo! Yay.
This is where Tolkien made a mistake. Frodo did not go off to destroy the Ring with his friend Sam, or even Merry and Pippin. Instead, he went off on his own. When he finally got to Mt. Doom, he realized that the power of the Ring could be used for his benefit, and he decided to keep it for his own.
Frodo traveled all the way home to Hobbiton, determining to start his Middle-Earth takeover there. As he walked in his door, he heard laughing and conversation coming from the neighboring room. Puzzled, he hung up his coat and peered in. There, he saw Sam, Merry and Pippin throwing a party in his dining room! Outraged, he stormed into the room and yelled, "What in the world do you think you're doing?! Cut it out you fools, cut it out!"
Sam explained calmly, "We were just celebrating the fact that you were gone forever, but since you're not, you can have your dining room back." Ah, faithful Sam. We love him so.
Frodo felt a white rage come up inside him, and in a deep and ominous voice, he began chanting dark spells from the heart of Mordor. The Ring heated in his pocket, and he put it on his finger, where the lettering began to glow. All of this combined proceeded to freak everyone else out.
Pippin, maintaining his sanity, took a flying leap at Frodo, toppling him over. With a mighty bite, Pippin amputated Frodo's finger. And you guys all thought Gollum did it. Frodo screamed and passed out. Pippin picked up the Ring, dropping Frodo's finger in the process. He looked at the Ring in wonder. In a flash, his intentions changed, and before anybody could stop him, Pippin put on the Ring, automatically becoming Sauron's greatest minion.
Pippin used the power of the Ring to call a Black Rider, who took him all the way to Mordor. In the dark tower, Pippin swore fealty to the dark lord Sauron, and became his apprentice.
For years, Pippin trained in the arts of Mordor, while Sauron used his legions of orcs to take over all of Middle-Earth.
One dark day, as Pippin approached his master as usual, Sauron said something unexpected. "Peregrin Took, you have been my loyal apprentice for long enough. You are now skilled enough to take your place by my side." Sauron extended a hand toward Pippin. Pippin looked up with an evil light in his eyes. He drew his sword, and with one wild swing, he beheaded Sauron.
Pippin slowly walked up toward the dark throne. "Now all of Middle-Earth must fear me. I am the new dark lord of Mordor!" Thunder cracked and orcs yelled in celebration as Pippin sat in the throne.
The first step in Pippin's rule was to wipe out the dwarves. He figured since they were already an endangered species, and they were completely useless to him, he could kill them off easily. Next, he destroyed the men, as they were the ones most likely to resist him. Finally he killed off the elves. They were too perfect. He disliked Mary-Sues.
Then he turned to the Shire. As he looked over the rolling hills, his mind turned to happier memories. Then he decided that the memories didn't matter at all, and he wiped out the hobbits too.
Unbeknownst to Pippin, however, one hobbit remained, by the name of Samwise Gamgee. With a new resolve in his face, he set off to confront Pippin, determining to bring him back to the good side. As soon as he walked into Pippin's throne room, he felt an oppressive presence growing in his mind.
Pippin looked condescendingly at Sam. "What brings you to my presence, inferior hobbit?"
Sam looked Pippin in the eye and said with as much force as he could muster, "What kind of pipe-weed have you been smoking?!"
Pippin was shocked by the outburst. "Uh, what?" he said confusedly.
Suddenly, Sam realized what the presence in his mind meant. It was showing him that the dark side was good after all. In a rabid fury, Sam jumped at Pippin, killing him in an instant. And thus the Ring passed to the greatest dark lord Middle-Earth had yet known.
One beautiful spring day in Mordor (and we all know that looks beautiful), Sam was taking a walk on Mt. Doom. All the orcs were gone, and he was the only sentient being left in the land. He strolled into the heart of the volcano, and looked over the edge. He fingered his Ring nervously. Suddenly, his finger slipped, and in a terrible, heart-stopping moment, the Ring fell, turning in the air, into the lava.
This is the other thing Tolkien got wrong. He never realized how an item of so much power would react when destroyed. We know this today as a massive nuclear explosion. In a supersonic boom, a mushroom cloud enveloped the entire planet. All life was wiped out. Plants died, animals choked on poisonous gas, and of course the atomic explosion was pretty devastating too. Even Sam, the greatest dark lord ever, died.
Millions of years later, we can still see Middle-Earth when we look through a telescope. Its barren, red landscapes portray a tragic picture of the devastation the ring caused. We call it Mars.
A/N: So there. Now you know what really happened. Just as a note, we don't really hate these characters, and we actually think Tolkien is the ultimate genius, so don't think we're trying to offend anyone or anything. We're just poking fun at an amazing fandom. And trying to come up with an original idea that no one's ever used before. Please review! We accept guest reviews too.