This chapter was not easy to write and i almost didnt post it, but i didnt want to chicken out... I might go back and rework it... but for now here it is... as I intended it to be... I really would like to hear your thoughts about this one so please review... I need a bit of follower direction on this one...
Amy fell asleep a little while later, ok a long while later. I had her wrapped up in my arms, her still naked body pressed up against mine. There is no fear now hen I touch her, no hesitation no worry. It is a long way we have come, my girl and me but I see a longer road ahead. I should have been at peace, I should have be able to sleep soundly. But my mind would not rest, no matter how much I want it too, no matter how much I need it to. One word has the power to destroy everything, everything we have worked for, fought for. I was trying to make excuses, justify it in my head. It had been a long day, maybe that was it, maybe too much had happened. But there was this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling I couldn't ignore. I tucked my face into the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply. Wishing I could forget, wishing she could forget. Wishing…
Watching her tonight holding Rocco, I could feel something change not only in myself but in her. There was this sadness in her eyes that was masked by the smile of her face. And I knew what she was thinking. It is what she is always thinking. How much longer do I have? It is like a looming death sentence, this over bearing weight that she can't get out from under. I am there with her, trying with every ounce of strength I have trying to lift the weight off, Jeff is there, and Dino and Billy. We are all there trying to lift this weight, but we are failing and it is crushing her.
For a brief second before the weight presses down, she is holding him and they are in this bubble, a quiet still bubble. I can see the awe in her face, as she gently unwraps him and then he lets out this little cry and she laughs. Dino and I smile and look over at Grace who has fallen asleep, exhausted. Amy looks at me, and while I can see her sadness I can also see her hope. And I know these are the moments I will fight for, these little fragments. I will fight for them until they are whole.
The should be up soon haven't slept at all, my body is stiff and my mood is dark. My five o'clock alarm goes off on my cell phone and Amy starts to move. I can tell she is up when she pulls my arm around her tightly and turns her body to face mine.
"Morning…" She grumbles in the morning, she hates to wake up. I am a morning person, up at five to work out before I face the day. She is a night person, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night; the bed is empty and I find her sitting in the living room, writing. Her hair piled up on her head, glasses on face free of makeup. It is by far and away my favorite Amy variety. I cant resist her when she looks this and lucky I don't have to.
"Morning baby. How did you sleep?"
"Better then you…" Her hand was making small circles over the lines of my tattoos, something I knew she loved to do. "You didn't sleep at all."
"And how do you know that?"
"Your snoring didn't wake me up." I chuckled and then kissed the top of her forehead.
"I have a lot on my mind is all." She furrowed her brow, but didn't speak. I pulled her as close to me as I could, and linked her leg around mine, her cold toes on my heel. She knows something is off, and she wont ignore it. It is not our way. Our combined years of therapy are the functional glue that holds us together. We say it and we deal with it. It has been the foundation of or relationship, what we are built on.
"If you ask me, I will tell you. But you have to ask, just be sure you want to know." She rubbed at her eye and stretched slightly, waiting for me to decide. I weighed her words carefully, do I really want to know. I have been hiding from this moment for a while now, but I cant escape it any longer. We are in it and now we have to deal with it.
"Were you thinking about him last night?" There is this look she gets when he is in the front of her mind, this pained expression and I kept seeing it over and over. Each time was worse then the last. I hate that he lives in her head the way he does. I hate the part of her that he owns. She looks at me, her mouth a gape, and I know what is coming.
"Yes I was."
"Well, getting dressed up was part of it I think, we were always going somewhere. And uh… The Plaza…" I knew it, that is when I felt the change in her last night, when I told her we were going to The Plaza.
"So you've been there before?"
"Tell me…" She paused and started to speak stopping herself each time. "Amy, tell me.
"We were going to get married there." She just blurted it out and I wish I hadn't asked. Married they were planning on getting married, I felt like I had just been sucker punched in the gut.
"Oh, wow… I didn't know you were engaged to him Amy."
"I wasn't, but we were there one night and he said that it was the place where it would happen… So it was strange being there again. It was hard I guess…" I stopped listening at that point, my own words in my head louder then hers. It was like a drum beating down on me. I had to ask her finally, I had to know one way or the other.
"Amy… I need to know… Do you still love him…I know you said that you never really did but…I don't believe that… trust me I want to but I don't." It was the question I had wanted to ask for a while and I finally put it out there. But once I said the words out lous wasn't sure if I wanted to hear her answer. She laid there silent for a moment, and I could feel her struggle. I knew what was coming and I prepared myself for it.
"I don't know Will…. I mean if I can separate the man from the beast… I don't know. I still am not sure if I loved him or if it was obsession… Flynn suggested Stockholm… It's all so confusing… Because there were times with him that were great… times that I missed. You know… but there are times even before those four days… that were bad… I mean really bad… I wish I was able to explain this better." She put her hand to my cheek, trying to get a read on my and pull my eyes back to hers.
"No I get it… trust me I do…"
"Will don't be mad… I am trying to be honest."
"I know, I know you are." I pulled away from her, I couldn't help it. This close proximity, was too much.
"Will… damn it… Why does this even matter… I love you… I am here with you, for you…"
"It matters, and you know it does." I slid off the bed, and pulled on a pair of sweatpants, slamming the bathroom door behind me. I wanted to tear the room apart. I could feel this anger, I clenched my fists and took a deep breath. My mind was going a million miles per hour and then it came to me, with out thought I stormed back in to the bedroom. She was sitting up with her back against the headboard, this sadness in her eyes I have not seen before. She looked up at me, her lips pressed together in this hard line.
"Are you waiting for him?" My voice was harsh, very harsh. She jumped and then this shock took over her face as her jaw slacked. I had rendered her speechless.
"You said his name… in your sleep last night… over and over…" her eyes filled with tears, as the sun began to rise. A filtered pink light peaking in around her.
"I dream about him all the time Will… and they are never good dreams…"
"I thought that too, but it wasn't a no Simon it was an ohh Simon." She gasped, her mouth quivering and I was full of this anger that I couldn't even see her… really see her. I was just so angry.
"Wow… really Will… really?"
"Were you thinking about him when I was inside of you?" I could barely get the words out, thinking them was hard enough. But saying them was torture. It was my greatest fear, that somehow she would be with me and want him. That I was just a stand in.
She wrapped the sheet around her body and got up off the bed, she stood right in front of me, tears falling from her cheeks. She stood there, just looking at me, like I was a stranger. Like she had never seen me before in her life.
"I am going go, before I say something I am going to regret."
"Like what, that I am right?"
"No like you are a fucking asshole. How could you say that to me, how could you even think that… I don't even know who are right now. I don't… You have no idea what it took for me to let you inside, to trust you and to love you and to want you. The thought of Simon touching me… I cant even tell you what that does to me. Like that time when you came home and I was reading… and you kissed my breasts… remember… I had this flash back… and it was horrible for me. Not because I saw you and thought of him… Because I saw myself in that moment. Like I was a fly on the wall… watching him rape me… So no.. there is no possible way that I could be with you and think of him. How dare you…"
"You have no idea what this is like for me Amy… I am scared all time…And I am not the guy who gets scared…"
"I am scared too… but I thought that we had each other… I thought that… never mind… I am just going to go… this is killing me right now… I can't go from what we had last night to this…" I watched her grab her stuff and storm into the bathroom. I wanted to stop her, to hold her but I couldn't. I could hear her crying, sobbing on the other side of the door. I pressed my hands to it, trying to muster up the courage to turn the knob.
She sat in the edge of the tub, still wrapped up in the sheet, her arms folded around her chest. Her face was red, her hair a mess. I just needed to say it and deal with it…
"Last night…" She looked up at the sound of my voice and wiped both of her cheeks. "At the hospital, you were crying and thanking me, telling me all that was possible because of me… you never said you loved me… you said you felt obligated and grateful and thankful… but you never mentioned love. I was waiting for you to say it but you didn't. And I got all in my head, you know… worrying that maybe you were here out of gratitude or obligation. Then I thought I was being stupid because when we got back here last night it was amazing… the best night of my life really and then…"
"And then I said his name…" Her voice was horse, and defeated but also understanding. She got where I was coming from.
"And then you said his name… and that was it…"
"Will you say Maria's name all the time…"
"It's not the same thing and you know it… Maybe if she was still alive and you could lose me to her… but…"
"You are never going to lose me to Simon. Ever. No matter what happens, I am yours and you are most certainly mine. Will I love you so much… you really have no idea because words can not express…sex can not express… I don't want to live a day without you… Not a day… how do you not know this, how can you have doubts? Can't you feel it?"
"Amy…I don't have doubts I worry that you do. That you still want him."
"I have this dream about him… all the time… it starts off wonderful… we are at the beach… he is standing behind me, holding me and we are watching the sunset. And I can feel the soft wind on my face, I can even feel the sunburn from a day spent in the sun. And then, the sun goes down, and everything is dark, and he is still behind me only now, his hands are around my throat and I can't breathe and I cant move. And I am gasping his name…begging him to let me go… sometimes I wake up and sometimes I can feel myself taking my last breath. And in that moment even in my dream your face is what I see. Your voice in my head waking me, pulling me out…" I can feel the truth in her words, I can feel her fear and her pain. I am regretting all of this, every thing I have said every question I have asked. I want to take it all back. But I can't, what is said is said. I kneel down in front of her, my hands on her knees, she puts her hands on my cheeks, gently rubbing the stubble.
"I cant lose you Amy… I just… the thought of you scared or in pain…"
"You won't lose me Will, and this… pushing me away… it won't work… ok… it won't work… You are not an obligation… you are the love of my life… you are the man who I am going to marry one day… we are going to have beautiful kids, and grow very very old and mean… together…"
"I am going to hold you to that…" I wrapped my arms around her, standing up taking her with me. Without thought my mouth was on hers, I could taste the salt from her tears on her lips. I wanted to savor every moment of this kiss, I wanted to feel it all. At some point the sheet falls away and we were stumbling back into the bedroom. I needed to be inside of her. We fall back on the bed and with one motion I was where I was suppose to be, where I belonged. Inside of Amy with nothing between us, our eyes locked, barely any movement between us, as she tightened around me and the released over and over again. I slowly started to move inside of her, knowing I would have to pull out before I came. She ran her hand over my head and thought my hair one and then again. Her breath started to quicken, and she exhaled deeply.
"Will…" I could feel every muscle tighten and pulse around me, as she tipped her head back her mouth open, no energy to give over to sound. All her energy concentrated at her core. I fought the urge to come with everything I had, wanting her to finish before I pulled out, but she wrapped her legs around me, holding me tight. Pulling my mouth to hers, sucking in my bottom lip.
"Amy… I have to pull out…" She reached down and began to rub her clit, knowing she couldn't do this for so long gives me such a sense of pride and satisfaction. I am in awe watching her as she started coming again, this time loudly as I pushed into her with greater speed. I could feel myself start to go off, as he legs dropped away and I pulled out of her pumping my cock over he belly. I came fast and hard, all over her. I couldn't contain it, I couldn't hold it back. Her sweet laugh fills the room, a contented laugh.
"What am I supposed to do with this all over me?" I jump off the bed and grab a towel out of the bathroom. She takes it from me and wiping herself off, shaking her head.
"You made me do it…All getting your groove on. I came like that because of you."
I jumped back into bed and collapsed against her body.
"Baby I'm sorry." I pressed my head against her breasts, her legs and arms wrapped around me, holding me close.
"Me too… next time you don't hold it in Will. You have something to ask me, something is bugging you. Just say it and we will figure it out. You can't hold things in, you especially."
There was a very loud unrelenting banging coming from the door. We were huddled together still in bed, the sun shining. I pulled my head up and managed to focus on the alarm clock. It was just a little after eleven. Amy's cell phone started to right and she jumped, reaching over to grab it.
"Uh, hello...Shit... Sorry... Ok... OK... Yes laurel... He will be right down!" Amy practically pushed me off of her and she scrambled off the bed.
"Laurel and Jeff are here for brunch... I totally messed up... Get dressed and let them in..." I cant help but laugh at her, running around the room naked trying to clean up.
"Will.. I am serious I need to get in the shower..."
"Ok, ok. I am going... I need a shower too you know..."
"Well you can have one when I am done...I cant cook brunch with sex all over me!" She is frantic, but in an hysterical way as she laughs out her sentence. I stand up and grab her, giving her a nice kiss and a smack on her ass as she makes her way to the bathroom. She turns with a gasp, her mouth open, blushing. I throw on sweats and a tee-shirt and let Jeff and Laurel in.
"It's about time...We have been out here like ten minutes..."
"Sorry, we had a late night...Grace had the baby..."
"That is great! What did she have?"
"A boy... Rocco..." She wrinkled her nose at the name and then smiled.
"That is such a Dino name..."
"That it is... Come on up and I will put the coffee on." Five minutes later the house smelled like a coffee house and Amy emerges from the bedroom. Her hair wet and in a ponytail, in sweats and a tee shirt.
"Hey guys... Sorry... seriously sorry..."
"You should be considering you gave us a rash of shit about sleeping so late yesterday." Jeff crossed his arms and frowned at her.
"I know, I know... Again I am sorry... I will make it up to you with eggs and pancakes..."
"Chocolate chip pancakes..."
"Fine... you are still like ten years old... Do you want a whipped cream smiley face too?"
"Now that you mention it..."
"That sounds good to me too baby..." She laughed and poured herself a cup of coffee, taking a sip and then she looked up at me and smiled. Just this small smile and I knew everything was going to be ok.
'Ok everyone out of the kitchen and let me get to work... Will get in the shower..."
"Guys was she always this bossy?"
"YES!" Jeff and Laurel shouted in unison. Amy frowned and shook her head, as she ties her apron around her waist.
"Bossy Mc Bossypants."