He hates them, Loki decides, as he walks towards his trial. Hates every Aesir, every child, every father and their son, every animal that roams this gold-encased world. He wants to burn it with ice, to crush it under his boot and laugh while it is destroyed.
He is going mad, he knows. He can feel the madness and the hatred and the anger and the hurt and worst of all it makes him want to laugh. Laugh as he destroys and and he is destroyed and laugh because he can feel. He doesn't like what he feels but at least he is not numb, falling through the dark void and endless space and he is not screaming to fill the emptiness.
He has not felt in such an a long time.
And he knows, knows, knows, that the void has made him mad, that there is no return from the drunken power of the tesseract, that there is no return at all.
And yet, he still finds himself able to ache at the sight of his room when he is led there by Thor to rest while the court prepares. Still finds his hands twitching for his unfinished projects and his books and everything because the last time he was in this room, he was still Loki. He was not a Frost Giant, he was not a murderer or a madman or failed king, he was just Loki. Loki with his magic and his books. Loki with his too soft person and his too delicate body and his aching but loving heart.
He wanted to be that Loki again.
Thor comes again to retrieve him later. Loki does not know how long he's been sitting there, dreaming of the ages where he slept and read and played here.
It's the most of a home he's ever had.
When Thor grabs his arm again, Loki snaps. His chained hands swing out and his elbows hit Thor in the stomach. Loki watches as Thor rises and at first he his exhilarated by the power of fighting, knowing that it is him who is hurting someone and not the other way around.
But then Thor takes up his hammer and moves in to a fighting stance and Loki trembles. His arms, which want to move to defend and injure, do nothing more then shake because this is not good this is not him this is not the Loki that lived in this room.
This is a madman.
This is a crazed murderer.
His whole body tenses and shakes and he'd scream at himself if it weren't for the thrice-damned muzzle over his lips. Thor's eyes meet his, and Loki wants, so, so, desperately to apologize. He wants to be sob and be forgiven but he can not because he can not speak. Thor nods as if confirming that he will not strike if Loki does not.
"Come on. We must...we must go, Br- Loki."
And in that moment, Loki knows. Knows he has gone too far. When Thor, Thor, obliges to no longer calling him brother, he knows he has taken it to far.
Loki shuts his eyes so he does not have to see the reminder of the days past.
They walk in silence to the throne room. Thor stops just outside the door and looks at Loki searchingly. Loki does not return his gaze.
"Brother, I...you.." Thor trails off, sighing. "I am sorry, Loki. For..whatever I have done to lead you to this." Loki's heart clenches with guilt but his eyes fill with anger. He hates this, hates this hates this. "I don't...I do not ever condone..or maybe even forgive, what you have done, Loki. But, perhaps I am unforgivable as well."
Not unforgivable.Loki wants to say.
Loki thinks it would be easier if Thor just hated him because he does not understand how he continues to hurt Thor and yet always, always, he is still loved.
If this is love, then love is stupid and blind and deaf because can he not see that he is a monster? Can Thor not feel the chill on his skin when he brushes against Loki?
Does he not know?
The doors open and Loki swallows thickly because he is afraid. He is afraid of Odin and he is afraid of losing his magic and he his afraid of losing Thor's stupid reckless love even if he doesn't understand it.
His legs carry him forward and oh.
Through all of this, through all of this hurt and pain and destruction he has forgotten her. What does it say about him that he has forgotten his own mother?
Not mother. Something whispers and he tells it to shut up because all he wants to do is stare her and drink in her presence because he has forgotten her and he missed her.
but she favored Thor and didn't tell you what you were and accepted you only because Odin wanted her too and shut up shut up shut up
He does not hate her. He refuses too. He refuses to hate her like he does Thor and Odin.
why do you do this you are not weak like Thor you lack compassion and love it is in your nature it is in your very biology you hate her you hate everyone you are alone because you love no one
He does not.
He loves her.
The muzzle is removed and Odin is saying something but he can not bring himself to pay attention because Frigga is looking so sorrowfully at him, he hand raised and her mouth open a little in a silent cry. He raised a hand to his dry lips and they come back wet and red. Blood. Jotun blood.
how is she not screaming at the sight of you you are a killer it is in your nature.
"Son?" Frigga says and if it were not already broken, his heart would have cracked because her voice is hesitant. Afraid. Of him.
Does she not have a reason? Does not his mind tell him to break her neck and Thor's and Odin's and everyone's, just because he can?
Shut up shut up shut up
"Mother?" He says and his voice cracks a little and he feels tears in his eyes because she is running over, her skirt gathered in her hands and she has never looked so lovely ever before. She wraps her arms around him.
"You are alive." She says, her voice filled with such exuberant joy Loki melts in her arms.
"I am sor-" Loki begins, but his arms clench and he can not finish the sentence because he isn't. He would do it again and again because it is fun because he loves the chaos and the power and there is and will be nothing to stop him from destroying and he knows, knows, knows, he is mad.
"Mother, please," Loki begins, his arms tightening around her. "I can not. I can not stay. I am...I do not...I can't, Mother."
Frigga's arms loosen and she walks back a step and her face is so confused and worried. "What do you mean?"
Loki looks at her and feels like he might break and sob because he doesn't want to say what he needs to.
"I.." He can not say this to her. Instead, he looks to Odin, and meets his eye because this will be easier, he knows, to say to him. "Kill me."
"What?" Odin demands, and Frigga is switching her shocked gaze from Odin to Loki.
Loki takes a breath to center himself.
"Kill me. Please. For the betterment of Asgard." To Loki's relief and Frigga and Thor's horror, Odin does not reject. "The void has driven me mad, Allfather. It would..be preferable for everyone involved." It is enough of a truth and enough of a lie that it is convincing. But truly, is there anything convincing enough to kill your own son?
Loki sighs and closes his eyes slowly.
"It would be a gift to die, Allfather. The best for Asgard, for Midgard, for you and mother because I do not..I do not wish to hurt anyone. I do not want to continue to destroy."
"You would have me kill you?" Odin asks, his voice commanding. "My own son?"
You think this is better? Am I truly that low to you you would not grant me death when it is my only wish?
"As apposed to what? Imprisonment? Torture? Surly this is what I deserve. Do not make them suffer for you, King." Loki spits.
do not pretend to care now
"Loki.." Frigga says, and Loki wants to sob at her voice.
"Mother...please." And something in his voice must've changed her because she looks at Odin sternly.
"Grant our boy his wish."
"Frigga, you can not possibly-!" Odin cries, standing up, his staff crashing on the ground loudly. "I will not kill my son!"
stupid blind deaf love
Frigga straightens herself.
"If you do not, Odin, then I will." She says, her jaw set. "I swear that I will."
"But Mother! Your son! My brother!" Thor cries.
only when it suits you.
"'My son.' 'My brother'" Frigga repeats. "My brother. My son. Mine. He is not yours. He is not..he is not any of ours. We, all of us, have made the same mistake. He is not ours at all. He was of age long ago, Odin, and long ago we should have told him what he was. His faults lie as deeply on us as they do on him, my family. We must respect his wishes as a grown adult. If he wishes to die, then we must grant him that and hope that there, he will find peace. Because if this is the way you act towards him, then he will surely not find it here."
a/n my excuse is that it's late and I'm tired and I have an amazing amount of Frigga and Loki feel review if you want just don't hate me for abrupt endings and bad dialogue