Hey guys, sorry about the silence for the last few days. There was a mix of slight writers block and not having access to the Internet for three days. And as always, thanks for the reviews and support.
It felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I was filled with nervous adrenaline. And anger. And fear.
Rosalie was silent, they were all silent. She was still glaring at me. And Jackson.
I looked away from her, my eyes finding Edward, and saw that his eyes were locked onto Jackson. They had an intense in them. Like he was thinking something big.
I clutched Jackson closer to my chest, and felt the wet tears socking through my shirt.
"Shhh, baby, shh. It's alright, it's alright," I whispered to him, trying to soothe the cries, "it's okay."
I was whispering near his ear but my eyes were still locked on Edward. I was observing him, I almost felt like I was testing him. I found myself waiting for a reaction other than shock. I placed a kiss to the top of Jackson's head every few seconds. Looking away from Edward, I focused everything on Jackson, because in the end he was all that mattered. I had come to this town for him, to find his father. But I'd leave for him, if I saw it best.
A voice other then my own interrupted my mantra of 'it's alright and it's okay'.
"Bella? Why don't we um, go somewhere else? Somewhere where we can talk about this... just the two of us, or you know... the three of us." Edward's soft voice was questioning and uncertain.
I nodded slowly. "Sure."
Both Esme and Rosalie seemed as though they didn't quite know what to do; to object or not.
Not that it mattered much; Edward and I walked out of the kitchen, out of the café without a word to either.
Outside the café, Jackson's cries were mere whimpers now and slight sighs of discomfort.
Edward was thinking, or at least that's what it looked like he was doing. His teeth had his bottom lip imprisoned, and his eyes were squinted. He seemed to notice my observation and looked at me.
"Is he okay?" He gestered to Jackson.
I held him tighter. "Yeah, just... it got a little loud in there. It was no more than I expected, but I think the yelling scared him."
It scared me. I had expected it, but it scared me still.
"I'm sorry about them, Esme and Rose are just... protective I 'spose. Stupidly so." He looked painfully awkward for a moment, "I...I'm not quite sure what to do now."
"Me either, I didn't really plan past finding you."
He nodded, like he understood.
He compulsively ran his hands through his hair for a few seconds and then sighed. "Did... did you and Jackson wanna walk with me... there's a park down the road a bit. Maybe we could talk more there? Its gonna be pretty dead there, cause it's a school day."
I was about to nod, and agree that yes, talking more would be good, when I saw his face blanch... and it took me a second to figure out why. But then I laughed. He looked panicked, and I felt bad for laughing... but come on. He was panicking because of the simple word school.
I felt bad for the guy though, an hour ago, he had no idea he had a kid, and now he does.
Shifting Jackson into one arm, I reached up and patted him on the shoulder. And no, I did not have to reach on my tippy toes... much.
"Don't worry big guy, he's still got a few years before he goes there."
It took us a few minutes, but now we were sitting on a wooden park bench, one that was greatly in need of a new paint job. The green was faded and cracked.
The ass of my jeans was going to be covered in paint chips.
Jackson had fallen back asleep during the three minute walk. I was a little jealous of him. He could be ignorant to everything, because he was a baby.
I didn't have that excuse. And I sat here in silence, not knowing how to start. Hadn't I already done the awkward bit of telling Edward? What was there now? Could I not just leave?
No, you can't. You know this, so stop being foolish.
It seemed Edward was the lesser fool of the two of us. He spoke first.
"So um... when did you find out that you were... you know..." he almost blushed.
I sighed. "About two and half weeks later, when I realized I was late. You know I..." I bit by lip, remembering the feeling, the shock that had gone through me when the test came back positive. I'd thought horrible things when I found out. Things that make me hate myself now; when I look at Jackson. For a whole week I'd... "I tried to ignore that fact that I was pregnant. For a week I'd hoped that if I pretended that I hadn't found out that it'd... go away. Like some cold, or infection. I hate myself for that week."
My voice was shaky and cracked by the end. I felt unworthy of being a mother when I remembered that week and how I'd acted. I don't think I ever really considered abortion, but the fear of my mother's reaction and the fear of the unknown had made me stupid. I was 22, only just finished my degree in art. I had no job; I lived of my mother's money. Money that she never let me forget. She felt as though the money she gave me, gave her right to my life. Right to my mind.
I considered myself lucky now, that she'd told me to get out and never come back. I had Charlie, and that's all I'd really needed. And now I have Jackson and Charlie. And the irrational whimsical side of me hoped that Jackson and I would one day have Edward.