Gunsmoke (The Radio Years)

We open with the sound of a radio knob being turned.

Static-static…zit-zat…zit-zat…hum-m-m-m-m-m…"and now return with us to the thrilling days of yesteryear, Hi- Yo Silver Away"…zit-zat….hum-m-m-m…"Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of man," (Another voice speaks)…"The Shadow do.!"

Static – static…

Radio Narrator speaks: And now "Gunsmoke"…Join us now as Marshal Matt Dillon and the Blacksmith walk out of the swinging doors of the Long branch Saloon cajoling about the many women they have been with.

Matt: "Yes, I remember this one, that…, well- (Matt hesitates and scratches himself in a personal way) well... She had a way of twisting her body up and around, almost backward and, well…!"

Blacksmith: "Oh yeah, I'd like to have seen that. (Long hesitation, awkward silence.) …I was with this one who insisted on getting down on all fours and wanted me to pretend I was putting horseshoes on her. Sometimes she would even kick me and nay at me… (He said in a questioning manner, hanging his head in shame.) !?"

Radio Narrator: Listener's let's pause briefly for this radio announcement…

"Ladies and Gentlemen are you feeling tired?" (Says a short bald sweaty man holding a glass bottle in his outstretched hand. But you can't see this because it's the radio.) "Then you may have tired blood, you may need Geritol, yes Geritol... It's great for your Liver and helps to build strong bodies twelve ways. Take Geritol and within an hour, …away go troubles down the drain. Or try our new Geritol little liver pills. "

Now we continue our story… (Constant radio hum-m-m-m-m)

Blacksmith: Hey Matt isn't that ole' Festus ridin' up the street on his mule?

Matt: Why yes, I believe it is…? He looks hurt…! He's leaning to one side…!"

Blacksmith: Yeah, he even looks like he might fall off his dang mule !

(Clip-clop sound of mule is heard in the background along with moans of Festus.)

In the radio studio the sound people (Foley Artists) are making sounds of two people running catawampus (Festus language) down a dusty street. Swosh-swooch….

Radio Narrator: Matt and the blacksmith run up to Festus and the mule just as Festus is sliding off the mule onto the dusty streets of Dodge City. A crowd of wide eyed people dressed as sodbusters and farmers appears and forms a circle around the scene. (Many look like they may be products of inner breeding.)

Matt: "Festus, you are hurt? What happened to you?" (He says with a stern yet concerned voice.)

Blacksmith: "Festus who did this? Quick tell us before you collapse and die here in the street."

Radio Narrator: Festus starts to collapse and Matthew catches him within his strong broad arms and lets him fall gently to the ground. Then props him up against his own body. Meanwhile the Blacksmith busies himself fetching the canteen from the saddle of the mule.

They give ever thirsty Festus a long drink of well water that has been fed from glaciers off of the distant plains.

Radio Narrator: We'll be right back after this commercial pause…

"Folks do you have a real thirst? Then try our purified, ozmotized, and rectified pure well water. Now at your local corner grocery store. Just ask for "Little Water of the Prairie." 100 percent pure and from the prairie glaciers of the Midwest United States. (very quickly in a high speed voice and almost un-understandably the narrator injects at this point, … may cause muscle fatigue, swelling of the joints, impedance, sleeplessness, droopy drawers, constipation and a fiscal cliff.)

Radio Narrator: "Now back to our program…"

Blacksmith: "Festus who did this? Quick tell us before you collapse and die here in the street."

Festus; (Who can hardly speak) "It twas…." (He flops his head to the side and gasps a deep breath all the while inhaling the aroma of Matt's rawhide vest mixed with B-O.)

Matt: "Yes!"

Blacksmith: "Yes!"

Festus: It twas …the Widow Snider.

Both Matt and the Blacksmith: "What ! (In unison) the Widow Snider?" they both look at each other with puzzled looks on their faces.

Festus: "Yes I spent the night out at the widers, first she did this thing where she had a way of twisting her body up and around, almost backward. Then she insisted on getting down on all fours and wanted me to pretend I was putting horseshoes on her. Dang Matthew, …it twis plum awful I tell ye….(his spurs were now jingle-jangling as he lay in the dirt, thinking back on last night. Yet his eyes sparkled momentarily and a sly smile formed on his whiskered face.)

Festus: "Yeah Matthew, she kicked me right yearn' in the testicle. My ole mule never even kicked me that hard Matthew, I may be crippled forn' life."

(Festus now starts to mutter as he often does… but people can't really understand him nor care to listen to the old fart…let's listen in just for funnzies… mutter-mutter…spit and sputter… Festus whispers in a low muttering tone…I know that guy was really born in Kenya, Lindsey lo-hand aren't fit to ride my mule, Elvis is really hid'n out in Father River, Idaho. )

Radio Narrator: Doc Adams sees the familiar street crowd and hustles over to the hoard. He pushes his way through the crowd near nut farmer Jim Filbert.

Doc: "Dam-it Jim, let me through here, I'm a doctor…"

The crowd expands.

Radio Narrator: Doc kneels down next to Festus. He looks up sullenly at Matt. He places his hand on Festus' forehead.

Doc: "I see Festus that you spent the night out at the Widow Sniders, I too have felt the power of one of her mule kicks…fortunately for me she only grazed one gonad, I better take a look at you down there."

Festus: "Ouch Doc, be careful while yourn' a handling those two dang things." (Gasp from crowd)

Doc: "I never knew you were Jewish?"

Radio Narrator: Deputy Chester Goode quickly limps over to the scene to catch a quick peek over the shoulders of the crowd.

Chester: Yeah, I spent the night out at the widows once, only once. How else do you think I got this limp?

Ladies and Gentlemen…tune in again to future broadcasts of "Gunsmoke, The Radio Years."

Radio Narrator: Are we off the air yet…? (Sound of meek voice in the distance saying, yes) Good, damn we need some new writers in here?...I gotta get me a drink, I'm so dry I could fart dust…

A puff sound is heard as the radio studio control room suddenly fills up with dust.

Fade to black.