Crack fic of Nerys - Thank you gift for doing so much with the Secret Santa fic exchange.
Written by the amazing Serpent in Red, Alassea Riddle, doorstepofdoom, ozzymandius, Lady Miya and Mariico. And because we are all love shameless pimping, go read our other stories nooow.
For those who have heard of Tom the Riddle, and Loki the God - it is widely accepted that Loki would not spike his hair, and Tom would never be seen in a Muggle leather outfit.
But, alas, here they were...
"I'm telling you, Loki, if you take me to the bar, I swear I'll Avada you," Tom said through gritted teeth as Loki attempted to pull him into the bar, not caring that his curses would most likely not work on the Norse god.
Loki sighed was getting too much.
Perhaps, before delving deeper, a little backstory is required.
Tom and Loki had been buddies in crime for a very long time. They had first met when they were tots of mere six years of age. Loki had caught Tom pushing poor little Mari the Penguin into a fishing hole and had joined in the sport. The penguins later fished out popsicle Mari and resurrected her as a holy Pika-penguin. As for Tom and Loki, they had bonded instantly. They would spend night and day of their precious time discussing world domination plans and cursing their fathers together. It was the most adorable and unbreakable of friendships to ever be made...
Allie stepped into the crowded bar and immediately noticed that there were only seven other humans in the bar. Among them, only two were male. They were both dark-haired and tall and notably drunk. She cast them a disgusted look before making her way over to the drinks counter and took a seat at the bar stools and ordered a Red Currant Rum. Afterwards she considered walking over to the two men, thinking that the penguins around her surely wouldn't want her company, but thought better of it. Clearly the men were busy... exploring their surroundings.
"I don't need to look for a woman, Loki. That's your idea of enjoyment," Tom said, his eyes narrowed in annoyance "No, wait, you don't even bother to find women. Even men are enough for you."
Loki snorted. "In my defense, Tom, you can hardly be called a man."
Tom narrowed his eyes at a pair of women who dared flutter their eyelashes at him.
However, instead of being scared, those women started giggling to themselves like a bunch of silly, little girls, as if he were flirting with them.
He couldn't believe that Loki would think of taking him to a bar. A Muggle bar at that. The Norse god was lucky that Tom hadn't taken out his wand and killed a few of those cockroaches already and now he was suggesting that Tom should court one of the girls and dance with them. According to Loki, it was supposed to be fun.
After a couple of more drinks, however, the flagon he was drinking from suddenly resembled a crown. A crown for him. Something that symbolized his authority and superiority over those measly Muggles and dimwitted individuals who thought they knew magic. A self-satisfied smile on his face, Tom picked up the flagon and balanced it on his head.
"Lokiiiii, look," he slurred. "I'm the newly crowned master of the universe." He tilted his head to one side but quickly straightened it when the flagon started slipping off. He would need to anchor it onto his head somehow later. "What do you think of the title 'Dark Emperor', Loki?"
"Emperor? Hmm... Not bad, Tom." Loki pondered. "It will make a fitting title for me."
"Of course. Who else here is worthy of being called the 'Dark Emperor'?"
"Oh, yes. I suppose you could also... But this title is mine. Think up another one for yourself."
"No, I am the Dark Emperor! You are the King of Chipmunks!" Tom snarled.
Loki and Tom glared at one another. The air was tense between the two of them, so much that there seemed to be sparks in the air until Tom finally spoke.
"... That's actually a nice name. You can take 'Dark Emperor'."
"Nooooo! You're already the Dark Emperor! You gave me the King of Chipmunks!" Loki whined with a hiccup.
"You said you wanted Dark Emperor, so live with it," Tom said with a silly grin on his face. "I've come up with something... better for myself."
"What? Finally decided on being the Fluffy Bunny King?"
"You think you're so funny, don't you, Loki?"
"Get a room. Maybe you can both earn the title of the King of something else. Problem solved," Allie cut in, annoyed.
The thought made Loki smirk, as he recalled what had happened between himself and Tom once upon a time...
Loki didn't know how to cheer Tom up. Tom's immortality-achieving plans were turning a little out of hand. Loki regretted the day he had told Tom he was a god and hence immortal. That had put the stupid idea in Tom's head and since then he had become obsessed with it. He couldn't blame it since Tom strove for immortality only so that Loki and he could be together forever. However, Loki knew that what Tom really needed was not creating more Horcruxes but having a healthy dose of horizontal mambo.
It was only when Tom had refused all the girls Loki had shown him that Loki decided it was time to take some serious action. He took it upon himself to take Tom's pains away by seducing him himself. It took him exactly 36 hours, 50 minutes and 23 seconds and 7 milliseconds to find the appropriate kind of lingerie to wear. He called it "Mission: Get In Tom's Pants".
He was sure to succeed, because - let's be honest here - no one could be more sexy than Loki, right? (Tom would of course argue, saying that hewas sexier. This could mean that Tom wouldn't mind, and voila! Sad!Tom turns into Happy!Tom)
After the effort of finally figuring out how to wear the lingerie, Loki took out some candles, placed them around Tom's bed and lit them. Then he heard the front door open and threw himself on the bed hastily so he could find the right position. No, he had to act fast.
He ran over to the nightstand and opened it. There was the book. He turned to page 394, sentence 34 in "How To Seduce Tom Marvolo Riddle" in the chapter called "Sexual Positions". There!
He went back to the bed, and this was how Tom found his bestie; lying on his side with his head propped up with a hand, beckoning to him with a long, curved finger.
However, Loki did not think he would try it again anytime soon. Despite how funny looking at Tom's horrified expression had been (though why he was horrified in the first place, Loki did not understand. Surely he did not find it repulsive. Loki's sexual appeal was unmatched. Tom should be honored. It wasn't everyday he offered to show off his god-like body to mere mortals) Loki had definitely not enjoyed the curse Tom had placed on him. Walking around with breasts for a whole week had been rather embarrassing.. Not to mention how he had had to beg Tom to remove them when he himself had not been able to. Tom had only agreed after Loki "admitted" that Tom was indeed much greater, sexier and handsomer than Loki would ever be. Well that hadn't been too much of an issue. Lying had always been one of the God of Trickery's stronger points.
*End of Flashback*
Grinning, Loki turned around and his jaw fell open as he stared at the beautiful goddess standing behind him. Was this a human? Impossible. That silky smooth skin, those full, kissable pink lips, the dark seductive eyes framed by long, lustrous eyelashes. Her loving and caring character shone out of her face. After recovering from being blinded by the dazzling creature behind him, he immediately called upon his godlike powers to find out who she was. Her name, her sparkly, divine name that matched her immense inner and outer beauty, was Allie.
He instantly fell in love with her. She was so pretty that he knew he was going to have fifty one and a half kids with her. He'd even take over Asgard and stay at home for her. He hugged her around the waist and patted her hair. It was all soft and lovely and pretty and shiny and glittery and pretty.
It didn't look like she liked him, but that was okay. He would get her to like him. After all, everyone liked Loki. He was a very likable person. Just look at his face. It was all innocent and cute.
"Hi," he introduced himself. "My name is Loki. I am the King of Chipmunks." There was no response. "You look like the Queen of Chipmunks. I can make you the Queen of Chipmunks." He was secretly pleased with his awesome pickup line. He had learned it from the book, Pickup Lines 101 for Dummy-Gods.However, Allie was still unimpressed.
"I'm actually not the King of Chipmunks," Loki admitted with great difficulty. Loki was shocked when Allie didn't look surprised at all. She was reallysmart to have seen through his disguise. "They actually call me Silvertongue. Would you like to find out why?"
Again, he was pleased with his pickup line. It made him seem sexy and handsome. However, Allie didn't seem to think so and started making googly eyes at Tom, who was still huddled by himself in the corner.
Loki began feeling desperate. He wanted to marry her. He needed to have fifty one and a half kids with her. "I...I can eat rainbows." He tried. "And poop butterflies. And give birth to horses and snakes and wolves and snakes and horses and...did I mention I can poop butterflies?"
"I want to have fifty one and a half babies with Tom," Allie suddenly declared. Loki was really sad when he saw Allie walking away from him. He could not let her go to Tom. Tom didn't wear lingerie. Allie would not like him.
"Tom?! But he's as ugly as that absurd penguin wearing those hideous socks!"
Loki had barely finished the sentence when out of nowhere, a penguin landed on his face and ruined his perfectly spiked hair. Sacrilege!
Allie still wasn't convinced, and she eyed the offending penguin with disdain.
"He's still hotter than you, I think I'll go marry him."
"But I'm a God, I'm hot!"
She wrinkled her nose.
"I wouldn't get married to you even if a holy Pika-penguin threatened to attack me!"
Loki was desperate. He was going to lose this woman! He tackled her to the ground, and before she could do anything, he linked pinkies with her. He did the super ultra mega dangerous pinky hold. And just like that, they were magically married. It is impossible to divorce once the super ultra mega dangerous pinky hold was performed, and so Allie and Loki were married forever.
Allie was so angry at Loki because she couldn't marry Tom and have fifty one and a half babies with him! Loki tried to kiss her and she bit him and ran off. She tried to go outside, but Loki stole her pants and put them on his head, so she could only lock herself in the bathroom with Loki mewling quietly outside.
Tom was so lonely. His best friend had ditched him for a... girl. They were married now. And Tom had thought that he and Loki were going to be married! But once again, he had been left behind. It was unthinkable. After he was done brooding, he decided that he wanted to go home. It was getting late and he had to wake up early to think of ways to conquer the universe.
That was when he saw Mari, the Pika-penguin. Tom was really worried that the Pika-penguin was going to eat him. He and Loki had made her into a popsicle after all. In self defense, he started insulting Mari's socks. In his defense, they werereally ugly socks. Mari was suddenly very angry at him, and so were the other penguins with her. How dare he insult her socks! Her great great great great great great grandmother's uncle's dad's sister's bestie's nephew had made them for her! They were über special Pika-penguin socks made just for her. All the penguins knew that it was the biggest offense to offend someone's socks, especially the Pika-penguin's socks!
Mari suddenly flew forward and attacked him. The other penguins all rushed forward and helped the holiest of all penguins attack Tom. Tom, in his drunken state, forgot that he was a wizard and didn't use his wand, resorted to use his hands, and tried to bat the penguins off. However, he was soon overwhelmed.
Mari, the Pika-penguin, was extremely proud of her accomplishments. She had managed to kidnap the King of Chipmunks. And flown, for the first time in the history of penguins, Pikachu, and Pika-penguins. And now she was also going to be the first to have the honour of seeing the hurtful and mean Tom Marvolo Riddle naked (everybody knows what an achievement that was. Tom's body was the first wonder of the world, which they had been too prude to document). With that, she ordered the other penguins to remove his clothes.
Tom was very revolted by the ugly socks. He looked around and saw Loki at the other side of the bar, wearing pants on top of his head and trying to coax Allie out of the bathroom. In desperation, Tom pointed at him.
"Loook! That man! He's responsible for making me insult your socks!" It was true after all. It was Loki's fault that Tom was at this stupid bar.
Some of the penguins dove for Loki, but Mari, and the majority of them remained. His eyes shifted to Mari's feet.
The socks really were very ugly.
Tom averted his gaze back to Loki. He was now also surrounded by penguins. They had also managed to tear down the bathroom door and drag out a pantless Allie. The penguins were still trying to swarm the newly married couple when Allie reached into the barrel next to the bathroom door and pulled out a fish. she threw the fish into the air, and her and Loki's penguins jumped after it. Loki grabbed her hand, and they both ran out of the bar, while the penguins eagerly chomped on the fish. They did not know that Allie had secretly given them spoiled fish and so they all got bad tummy aches that Mari's holiness later healed.
And then Tom was left all by himself, with the ugly socks and the Pika-penguin who was trying to get a picture of him naked so she could sell it on Ice-bay for a million dollars. Maybe she could even get (force) him to lipstick-kiss it to boost the value of the photo.
Tom was getting quite sick of these penguins. Was there no way to just kill the blasted creatures or magic them away. Magic. Of course. The whiskey had really muddled up his mind. This is why he didn't drink alcohol. Loki was going to be in for it. If he survived the penguins that is.
Tom struggled a bit and tried to reach for his wand, but before he could get it out, there was a loud clicking sound. Tom looked up to see Hermione Grangerdoing the Happy Feet dance. To his surprise, Mari joined in as well, forgetting about her mission to see Tom naked. All the penguins then joined in with their leader and started to dance. However, Mari was still wearing her socks which made her slip. She face planted, and Hermione accidentally stepped on her tail. Mari was super uber sad and ran to find Queen Nerys to help her.
Queen Nerys was the Grand High Authority for Penguins. She had been there since the beginning of time and was likely to stay long after the end of it. Legend has it that she fries penguin flesh for breakfast and sells their feathers to quill-makers - all of which may or may not be true, but the penguins still strongly believe this story. The only known penguin to serve Queen Nerys out of love rather than fear is Pika-penguin Mari. Queen Nerys has thus rewarded her outstanding loyalty by making her the holiest of the Pika-penguins as well as allowing her to wear her ugly socks.
The penguins watched their leader run away, crying. They then turned towards Hermione, each with a murderous expression on its face. Hermione's eyes widened when she noticed them getting ready to attack her. However, before they could jump at her, she whipped out her wand and conjured a leopard seal. The penguins sqealed upon seeing their greatest enemy and started running in all directions.
During all the commotion, Tom and Hermione found their chance to escape.
Loki and Allie stopped running and took cover behind a large igloo. There, Loki gave Allie her pants back.
"Thank you," Allie paused, "No, considering you're the reason I lost my pants in the first place, curse you!"
"I'm so sorry, but you were going to leave me! I would have died if you had left me! I want to have your fifty one and a half babies! Forget about Tom, he's probably infertile."
"You little... Tom is much more man than you are!" She crossed her arms over her chest. "Look at you, with your stupid half spiked hair! He was wearing leather. Like a man."
Loki was shattered. She didn't think he was a man?
Unbeknownst to the couple, the penguins had managed to find them. Just as they were about to attack Loki for provoking Tom to insult the holy Pika-penguin Mari's socks, a figure dressed in a long black coat appeared beside them.
"My, my, what do we have here?"
The penguins cowered in fear. They were, unlike Mari, very afraid of Nerys. Was she going to fry more of their flesh?
By now, Loki and Allie had looked up, and realised that they were not alone. Loki gasped.
"I know who you are, you're the Queen of Penguins! What are you doing here?"
Nerys and Allie both raised their eyebrows. Realisation dawned on Loki.
"Ahh... they're your penguins?"
Allie scoffed. "This why why I wanted to marry Tom. You're such an idiot. He looked so uber smart with his flagon-crown!"
The couple resumed bickering.
Nerys looked at the unhappy couple, Allie and Loki. They were just arguing all the time. Well, that was no fun. What they needed was some sex. Yes. Everything could be solved with sex. But for that to happen, the two of them needed to shut up.
Nerys ordered her best penguins to separate the fighting couple and gag them. Since her best penguins were Pika-penguins, this was easy for them. Once the couple was taken inside the igloo, gagged, Nerys ordered the penguins away. What was to come was not for their eyes.
"Loki, Allie," she said in her best schooling voice. "You can't get on like this. You need to remember why you married. I'll help you with that."
With that, she threw off her long black coat to reveal her black dominatrix dress underneath. It was fitted tight against her body, and the belt contained a lot of useful things. Like a whip. She took the whip into her hand.
"Hold on! We got married because this idiot did the super ultra mega dangerous pinky hold!"
"But you were going to marry Tom!"
Nerys rolled her eyes.
"Loki, get on the bed. Now."
The God didn't seem very happy with following orders, but Nerys cracked the whip in front of him, and since he was unable to use any of his magical tricks in the bedroom, he was forced to move to the bed. Once in place, Nerys pointed at Allie to take the bed next to her husband.
"Good. Now, kiss!" Nerys ordered.
Allie and Loki stared at her. Nerys sighed, frustrated. "Fine, I'll show you how it's done."
Thus, she joined the soon-to-be happy couple on the bed and went on in showing them all there was to know about sex.
And then Mari, the unsuspecting innocent Pika-penguin, accidently opened the door and was instantly corrupted and scarred for life. And then she cried, and went to go try out all the weird stuff she had seen with the other penguins. But before she left, she made sure to snap a couple of photos to sell on Ice-bay. She was going to be rich!
Elsewhere, Tom and Hermione were über happy to have escaped from those insane penguins, especially the one with the ugly socks. Panting, they slid down onto the floor to take a rest. After all, they didn't hear Mari's voice - it was very distinctive with all the "pikas" that she added to every other word she spoke.
They looked around, trying to figure out where they were; it was rather hard to keep track of where they were going while they were trying to escape for their lives - or in Tom's case, escape the horrible fate of getting his nude pictures sold on Ice-bay.
As if by chance, Hermione and Tom locked eyes with one another. The world seemed to stop spinning and lightning shook the earth - figuratively, of course. The only thing that happened was the continuation of the snowing, which was something that was very common in Antarctica.
Nonetheless, the damage was done. Tom and Hermione immediately …
… pulled out their wands and pointed them threateningly at one another.
"Granger," Tom said with a nod of his head as a way of greeting.
"Voldemort," Hermione greeted back, though there was a mocking undertone in her voice.
"I must thank you for saving me in the bar."
"No need for it. I was a bit tipsy from all the Firewhiskeys I've been taking in tonight, and I didn't know you were you," Hermione replied.
"Apparently, the alcohol is wearing off," Tom deducted.
"The same can be said for you," Hermione replied, amused. "I'd reckon the great Dark Lordwouldn't have been so easily captured by a penguin if he hadn't been drunk."
A threatening hiss left Tom's lips, and for a second, Hermione wondered if the anger was directed towards her. She soon found out that it wasn't, based on what he said.
"Those disgusting, filthy penguins, I will get them if it's the last thing I do," he said through gritted teeth.
Interest and amusement altered on Hermione's face as she tilted her head to one side. "You're not fond of them and their ... interesting socks?"
"Uglysocks, Granger. No need to euphemize it in front of me," Tom said, disgust becoming more and more apparent on his face by the second.
"Oh, then perhaps we can strike a deal," Hermione said happily as she stowed away her wand.
Tom raised an eyebrow. "A deal?"
"Exactly," Hermione replied.
It turned out that Hermione had once pitied those penguins, thinking that they were so cute, adorable and horribly oppressed by Nerys. But then, one day, a crowd of them suddenly broke into her house while she wasn't there, trying to find valuable items to auction on Ice-bay. In a nutshell, they ruined everything she had prepared for her S.P.E.W. campaign and went on to mock S.P.E.W., and all that it stood for once she got back. It didn't seem like they cared that they were being oppressed by their lovely mistress. Even so, they wouldn't have angered Hermione too much if they hadn't thought it wise to mock the mittens her grandfather's uncle's sister-in-law's cousin had knitted especially for her.
So, Tom and Hermione finally found a common ground and decided to start a penguin farm. The purpose of the penguin farm was said to train penguins so they would have higher education. The truth behind it, however, was so they could export the penguins to different countries until there weren't any more penguins in Antarctica. Then, Hermione could go back to her S.P.E.W. campaign in peace, and Tom could concentrate on ways to become immortal and ways to take over the world again. Tom and Hermione also moved in together. This was because travelling was hard in Antarctica, and they couldn't pop by one another's houses everyday to see how the penguins were faring. Their neighbours used to be Loki and Allie, but after spending their honeymoon at Loki's house, they had moved to Asgard, where they overthrew Odin, defeated Thor, and started living happily in the royal castle. They still paid Nerys occasional visits.
What Hermione didn't count on, however, was how Tom and she started to earn an alarming amount of money from their penguin exporting. Basically, they became filthy rich, more so than the Malfoys, who were the owners of the largest snow exporting company. Tom also start to train a select few Pika-penguins. He was raising a private penguin army which would come in handy when he tried to take over the world.
Even though they were now filthy rich, Tom and Hermione were still living together. Additionally, the two of them started to gain a mutual attraction to one another until a very snowy night, where they finally did something that corrupted Mari's eyes again - yes, the Pika-penguin accidentally stormed into Hermione's room and saw something she shouldn't have seen again.
This was going to be good. Mari was extremely happy and was about to take more pictures to sell on Ice-bay again, but a curse shot out from a certain yew wand and broke Mari's camera, much to the Pika-penguin's horror. So sad was the holiest of all penguins that she ran back to Nerys, the Queen of all Penguins, and cried in her arms.
However, the Queen was otherwise occupied. It was her birthday, after all, and Loki and Allie decided to visit her to give her a cake. Unknown to Allie, who was busy eating her own cake, Nerys and Loki were currently rolling around in their bedroom. When Mari-who was known for being in the right place at the right time-opened the door; she was corrupted again. She was about to take a picture of the affair when she realized that Tom had already destroyed her camera. She was about to go bury it when Nerys locked the door and forced poor, unsuspecting Mari to watch all the wonderful things Nerys was doing to Loki.
Meanwhile, outside, Allie happily ate her cake, pretending not to hear the loud screeches of Loki and the excited 'pikas' of an eagerly watching Mari.