A/N- READ THIS NOTE. The 'theories of realities' that are described here are the principles that most of my stories work on, as is the idea of the three gods that run the worlds. Nominally, each of my fanfictions so far takes place in its own universe.
ALSO! Some of my Author's Notes will contain information that may have only applied to that chapter when it was published. HOWEVER. The Author's Notes will also often contain information that cannot be presented in the story proper. Treat an Author's Note as you would an SBS in One Piece, or as information from a Databook in any other series. If you wish, I will be happy to do an actual question and answer corner to make it a bit more structured.
WARNING: Ascended Extras: Blaise Zabini and Jashin. Yes, Jashin is an ascended extra.
Don't take this story seriously. It's humor. It's parody. It's more structured and less of an overall joke compared to my other stories, but it's still not something that I want people to look at and try to pick apart for not following 'the rules.'
"We're doing it my way this time." Jashin said. "You've each had a chance to try your own solutions to the problem, and look where that got us. I want to call in outside help."
Kami scoffed at him. "Outside help? You mean those ridiculous 'agents' that you used to skive off your duties to go drinking with all the time. I don't think I can actually call them help, considering how your paperwork gets backed up that way."
Jashin's eyes narrowed at his fellow. "And yet, Kami-chan, you are the only one of us three that cannot control the violence of her subjects, and does not even garner their belief in her own existence."
"How dare you—?!"
"That is out of line, Jashin-dono." Shinigami interfered. "And Kami, you really could have done better. I have no problem admitting that my plan did not pan out as well as I'd hoped either. We've had this conversation before, so let us move on."
Silence reigned for several more seconds.
"I get to choose the solution. You two already f***ed it up twice without my interference." Jashin said.
"Fine. I don't even care anymore, anyway."
"I'm calling Agent Diamond."
A dimension had been destroyed.
Now, there is a difference between a world, a dimension, a plane of existence, a universe, and so forth.
There are a number of levels to reality. The innermost difference is the planes of existence: the realms of the living, the dead, and so forth. The next level out is the worlds, which is where multiple copies of the world exist simultaneously next to each other with minor changes, like split timelines (e.g. a normal Naruto timeline, a female Naruto timeline, an evil Naruto timeline, etcetera). The worlds each have a primary mode (i.e. normal Naruto), though, and there usually is only one world in each dimension, so this level is often disregarded. The next level is the dimensions, where there are different worlds, like stories, such as Naruto, Harry Potter, and so on. Then there is the level of the Universes, where one of those systems just describes exists. There are few entities that can cross between Universes, or even just communicate across them.
The Phoenix Corporation is filled with such beings. Some of them are just as stoic and strict as you would expect of people that police reality, but some are far less so. One of the 'less so' members, Agent Diamond, was the one that kick-started the events that would begin this story.
Agent Diamond, as she is most often referred to as, had power over blood and connections to demons. It was because of this that a ring of her own blood allowed her to create instantaneous portals to any area that housed large numbers of demons. Of course, it only took her a few seconds longer to simply use the technology granted to her by her superiors to create a portal to almost anywhere in reality, but that is information for another time.
In the dimension that houses Naruto, in the particular universe that this story takes place in, there is but one world, with three planes. There is the plane of the dead, the plane of the living, and the plane of the demonic. The plane of the dead is run by the Shinigami, who takes on the visage of a man in his forties or fifties in a business suit, though he used to switch to his better known visage when he visited the Kami's realm attempting to scare whomever he can. The realm of the living is run by Kami, who is visually a beautiful but strict looking woman, presumably in her twenties or thirties, with blonde hair and classical Grecian clothing, as is usually seen on statues of Aphrodite or other such goddesses. The realm of demons is run by Jashin, who prefers to look like a boy in his late teens, complete with blue hair, an open Hawaiian shirt, khaki cargo shorts, and a surfboard keychain.
Surf's up, dudes.
Now, Jashin and Agent Diamond are on pretty good terms. They have a similarly morbid and childish sense of humor, and Jashin prides himself as being the only one of the three gods that doesn't take his or her self too seriously and prefers joking around to doing paperwork. He loves the fact that he's also the only one that doesn't give a rat's fart what people care about him, other than his own worshippers. He doesn't control the demons that decide to move from one realm to the other unless they begin to cause trouble in the flow of souls from the plane of the living to the plane of the dead, which has only rarely happened. The Juubi was technically his most powerful subordinate at one time, but it was rebellious and rarely followed orders. He was happy to have nine almost as powerful ones come about as a result of its destruction, and hoped that they would eventually come home.
They never did.
Now, upon the destruction of the entire dimension that housed the plane that he'd run, he was—as were Kami and Shinigami, though they didn't put in nearly as much effort or interest—making a deal with a woman who was under orders from some of the most powerful people in all the universes. The woman herself was immortal, not tied down to any one universe since the day that her own was wholly destroyed.
They made a deal, sending key players to other dimensions, choosing ones which had no true gods to rule them, to be reborn. Jashin was especially interested in the dimension that would be reserved for the Akatsuki, giving all of them, especially his dear Hidan, the last and most faithful of his followers, a second chance. They would be told, of course, that this second chance was a chance to redeem themselves.
Kami, Shinigami, and Jashin would all spread their powers over them, would be given more power and more territory by the members of the Phoenix Corporation. Jashin was the most… fascinated, should I say, because he was always the most interested in what his followers did, not just how much they cared for their gods.
A redheaded girl that had once been barely toeing the line with sanity watched as the laidback god arranged for the rebirth of some dozen or so souls, and she carried three in created bodies when hosts could not be found for them. Jashin spoke with them, one by one before sending them on, and even tolerated it—almost giddily, Diamond noticed—when Hidan practically cried with happiness and hugged the god's neck, enormous hundred foot being that said god was. She even had, due to the time and space modification powers bestowed upon her associate, Agent Moonstone, their favored weapons, one of which had a soul of her own that needed to be dealt with, and deal with the her Diamond did.
In an orphanage in Surrey, a baby that was almost completely blue, from his hair to his skin to his eyes, was handed over to a caretaker that was horrified upon hearing that the babe was reportedly found in a box on a park bench. Presumably, the tearful redhead that found the box told her, he'd been left there because of his birth defects, by parents that were ashamed to have such a child. The young woman only asked to be allowed to name the poor boy, which the caretaker hurriedly agreed to. Berilo, the young woman chose, a Greek name that meant blue-green, she told the caretaker. The caretaker nodded, asking if there was a last name to go with it. The young woman thought for a few moments, and finally suggested Krahsson, spelling the entire name out and saying that it did have a meaning, and that hopefully the boy would figure it out with time. She left, pleading the caretaker to keep the child out of the news, and left him a small toy, a key chain, that looked like a wrapped bundle of some sort that the child never let go off after first taking hold of it.
The caretaker never saw the young woman again.
In Dublin, a similar set of circumstances occurred, with a similar story, but a year earlier. Twins, the orphanage's director gasped, one of which was white, the other black, and both had green hair and, as the director would later learn, yellow eyes. The names given were Byelobog and Chernobog, Slavonic names that meant White God and Black God respectively. Strong names that fit the boys, which the girl surnamed as Haejigoku, the Japanese name for a Venus Fly Trap, which the boys both had green birthmarks of on their shoulders, the white on his left, and the black on his right. She wrote the names down and gave them to the director so that they would not be misspelled. She gave the boys a pair of the aforementioned plants, neither of which she named, which the boys both grew to care for greatly in the years following.
The director in Dublin never saw her again either.
Across the span of about four years, the United Kingdom held the somewhat dubious honor of hosting the rebirth of the Akatsuki. Small and wailing, in a new world where they didn't understand the language, but S-class criminals all the same.
Amos Diggory held his wife's hand as they gazed down at Cedric in her arms, smiling at him.
Nagato gazed back, willing to help this world as he had been unable to do to his own.
Over a year later, the Chang* family in Birmingham was celebrating the birth of a beautiful baby girl, named Cho by her Japanese-English mother, which her Chinese-English father agreed upon. Her sister, older by three years, looked over the edge of her mother's hospital bed, trying to see her.
Konan just gurgled up at them happily. A name that meant butterfly wasn't bad at all, even if she didn't recognize the surname or the rest of the language that was spoken above her, odd as it was.
A stupendously rich Pureblood woman had her first and only child, proudly naming him Blaise. Even if she cycled through husbands, she'd not let her baby boy go.
Kakuzu glanced at the hospital room he and his new mother were in, noting all the expensive things he could notice with his limited vision, as babies could see very little, and the high-end perfumes he could smell. Yes, he could definitely get used to this.
Molly Weasley hugged her newest son to her chest. He was the sixth one, and all the boys crowded around her, even the twins, not yet two years old. Ronald, she'd named him, Ronald Bilius Weasley. Even stick-in-the-mud Percy was glad to meet him.
How odd, Sasori's thoughts ran as he gazed up at the sea of red above him, that his second family would be the first in which he actually had the same hair as his parents, and that said family would be real and not consist of puppets. He smiled at that thought: to have a family again, a real and full one with much less of a chance of dying than his previous one had.
Narcissa Malfoy was a prideful woman, and an elegant one. Both labels fell to pieces when one saw her as a happy new mother holding her son, who had hair as naturally pale as her own and her husbands. Lucius stood next to her, austere, but there was a soft look in his eyes as he gazed down at his newborn child, enjoying the short vacation that his Lord had granted him for this monumental occasion before returning to work.
Hidan giggled as he stared up at his new mother. It wasn't because of his new family; it was because he'd been right. Jashin-sama was real, and he'd brought Hidan back to life after the world had been destroyed! He'd been right, d***it! Take that, heathens!
Harry Potter was not a normal baby by any standards. He'd been born wailing like all children, but he was quiet after that, and chose to stay as close to his mother as possible. Lily found it slightly worrying, but the Healers assured her that there was nothing wrong with her son, even as he snuggled closer to her for warmth. They'd have to go into hiding soon, if Dumbledore's information was correct. They could only hope that they could give their son the childhood he deserved.
Itachi didn't believe that he deserved a second chance, but he'd go ahead and hope that his life here could be more productive and less eventful than his last one. Maybe he'd even get another little sibling to cherish and protect. His allowed his eyes to swirl red only when he closed his eyes, but even then he could tell that his vision was no longer in the dead state it had been, but at normal levels again, though it was clouded since he'd only just been born.
Both of the Lovegoods were very odd. That Luna took more to giggling than she did to wailing like most newborns was something that they took in stride. The fact that she also had tiny mouths on her palms and chest was something that Xenophilius simply decided had resulted from the involvement of Blibbering Humdingers or Nargles or something, and that his wife attributed to a misfired experimental spell that she must have cast before she knew she was pregnant.
Deidara felt weird as a girl, but, hey, if he got a new life out of it, who was he to complain? Besides, he was growing up anew, not suddenly thrust into a female body of his own mental age—and that would have been really awkward—so it didn't really matter. He even got to keep his hand-mouths!
"How long do you think we should wait to give Sasori his puppets?"
"No clue, Di. Five years, maybe? He'd be old enough to hide it by then."
She tilted her head. "Sure. Same with Hidan and his scythe?"
"Yeah, fine. By the way, why give Kisame the sword?"
"Samehada has a soul. Leaving her without Kisame would be a bad idea. You got the rest of the souls ready for transfers?"
"Yup. Ready to go?"
"Strip poker with the Shinigami?"
"Nah, he always wins."
"Drinking at your place it is, then."
* Cho Chang's family. Chang is a Chinese surname. Cho, however, is only a name in Japanese, in which it means butterfly, and in Korean, in which it means beautiful. Therefore, I decided that Cho Chang came from a family that is half Chinese-English and half Japanese-English. The reason that Konan knew what her name despite her new parents speaking mostly English to one another was because her mother called a relative to inform them of her, and that particular relative preferred speaking Japanese to speaking English. Yes, I actually looked up the names to make sure. I did my research right, people.
A/N- This will not go the same way as Advisor. On this one, I've actually got more than a ghost of a plotline made out, along with little jokes and quirks and running gags and all that. I'm also going to write out the entirety of what happens prior to their first year (which is bound to be long enough to fill up few dozen K) or until ten chapters are filled, whichever comes first, just to make sure I can pull this off and that I don't start hating it like Advisor. So, chances are, if you're reading this, I've already written out at least a few chapters, most of them longer than this, that are ready to be posted.
Jashin will come back after this. He needs someone to talk to outside the PC and his fellow gods, and Hidan is going to be his conversation partner. Diamond will show up again as well, but generally less than Jashin.
phoenixyfriend (AKA- Phoenix, President of the Phoenix Corporation and Agent Diamond's boss)