It's New Year's Eve and the disclaimer is out partying. So I have to tell you that I don't own any GI Joe characters or the song 'Thank God The Tiki Bar Is Open'. Those of you who have read my other fics will probably figure out where this is going. Happy New Year Everyone!
Thank God The Cobra Bar Is Open
"Just how I wanted to spend New Year's Eve," Destro moaned as he sat at a small bar. "Stuck in a floating tin can in the middle of the ocean."
"It's just for a few days until the heat cools off," Cobra Commander said. He was standing behind a small bar in one of the ship's rooms pouring cocktails. "Or more hopefully, that crazed librarian stops chasing us."
"I could have sworn we gave her the slip in California," The Baroness groaned.
"We did. Somehow she tracked us to that port in Seattle," Mindbender told her. The other Cobras were sitting at the bar. "With a bunch of cops with her."
"That little incident at the Santa Train didn't help with our cover," Tomax told the others.
"You had to hit on one of the women married to a cop didn't you?" Xamot snapped at his twin.
"You were making out with that woman that was married to the mayor!" Tomax glared at him.
"Gentlemen, you are all horny morons!" Destro glared at them. "That includes you Mindbender!"
"Hey! I hit on the wife of a podiatrist," Mindbender pointed out.
"An insane podiatrist," Cobra Commander told him. "After he tore up that nativity scene and let all those animals loose he set fire to the Christmas tree!"
"The only reason we were able to get away was that he stole that police car and did all those donuts on the neighbor's lawn," Destro sighed. "From what I could infer from his angry rambling apparently his wife had cheated on him before. Apparently that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back."
"Fortunately it didn't break the camel I rode on to escape with the coal bag," Mindbender said.
"Yes. Hmmm you know the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that man would have made a great Cobra officer," Cobra Commander thought. "Shame we got off on the wrong foot."
"The only foot I care about is which one of my own will have the satisfaction of kicking Zartan in the teeth!" Destro growled. "Not only did he help Mongoose Incorporated steal what was left of my company, he stole my ancestral home and put that moron Torch in charge!"
"Here we go…" Mindbender sighed.
"Torch? TORCH? THE STUPIDEST DREADNOK IN ALL EXISTANCE IS LIVING IN MY CASTLE!" Destro yelled. "And being a figurehead over what was once my company! The company my father, grandfather and great grandfather built! All that is overseen by a man who needs to take off his shoes in order to count to twenty!"
"Give it a rest Destro!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You know with Torch at the helm sooner or later he's gonna do something stupid! Probably burn the whole company down!"
"You really think so?" Destro sighed. "You're not just saying that are you?"
"A man can dream can't he?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"I know I am not handling my exile well…" Destro admitted.
"Really? I hadn't noticed," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "You know you're not the only one here who lost everything! I lost leadership of most of my troops and my base. The twins lost their company and got screwed by their ex-girlfriend. Not in the fun way. The not so fun, taking every penny they had way!"
"Thank you for reminding us of that Cobra Commander," Xamot gave him a look.
"The Baroness lost what little dignity she had with that whole hypnosis incident," Cobra Commander went on. "Hell those clips are going to be floating around the internet for years!"
"Again, thanks a lot!" The Baroness glared at him.
"And Mindbender lost…" Cobra Commander looked at Mindbender. "Well okay to be fair he didn't exactly have that much to begin with. But he must have lost something!"
"I'm currently losing my will to be sober," Mindbender remarked.
"My point is we all lost something of great value. Except for Mindbender of course," Cobra Commander said. "I guess there is something to be said for being a second rate scientist. You never have to worry about losing anything."
"Except my self-esteem which is also slowly slipping from me," Mindbender glared at Cobra Commander.
"And now we are stuck in the middle of the ocean trying to hide from the law as well as all the enemies we have made," Cobra Commander said.
"It's not all bad. Now we have a new base that doesn't smell like chicken," Mindbender said.
"No, we have a new base that smells like fish!" Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Is there anything on the satellite TV? I need some cheering up after the dismal year we have had," Destro asked as he picked up a TV remote. "Even the shlock and pabulum that passes for popular entertainment is more cheerful than this conversation."
Destro turned on the television. "On an all new Timmy Serpent Boy Emperor!" The announcer said. "Timmy doesn't have a date for the prom. So he gets his mad scientist to clone one! With hilarious results!"
"And what are the odds that comes on the second we turn on the TV?" The Baroness groaned.
An image of a teenage boy in a Serpentor costume was shown. "Oh boy!" He said in high pitched voice. "I get a girlfriend! Whoo hoo!"
An image of two men was shown. One was a mad scientist with a wild black mustache and a purple lab coat with big goggles. The second was a man with a huge copper metal head and black uniform. "I highly advise against this my Emperor," The man said in a British accent. "Doctor Mindblower tell the emperor that this is a bad idea!"
"Why?" The scientist asked in a German accent. "I make dates for myself this way all the time!"
"WHAT?" Destro yelled.
"Oh this is not going to help my self-esteem," Mindbender winced.
"Relax Dessy," Timmy waved. "This will work out fine! It's not like my date is going to mutate into a horribly deformed monster and go on a killing spree at the prom!"
"My name is not Dessy," The metal headed man sniffed. "It's Lord Despero Bigbottom The Thirteenth!" A wide shot showed the man had a huge posterior.
"WHAT KIND OF SLANDER IS THIS?" Destro yelled.
"Change the channel before Destro blows up the TV!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Got it!" The Baroness grabbed the remote.
"If you want something different go to Mighty Kwinn's! Now opening in a city near you!" An announcer spoke. "Mighty Kwinn's has something for the gourmet in everyone. From our award winning buffalo burgers to our fresh hasenpfeffer delight!"
"Hasen-what?" Cobra Commander blinked.
"Rabbit," The Baroness explained.
"It's probably just squirrel! Actually they're probably only serving squirrel and pretending it's something else! Which we've already done! They're ripping us off!" Cobra Commander fumed as he took the remote from the Baronesses. "I'm not watching this!"
"Today members of GI Joe were awarded medals for their heroism and bravery at…" The news announcer said.
"Or this!" Cobra Commander changed the channel.
"Stocks rose for the third day in a row for Mongoose Incorporated. This corporation is taking wall street and the world by storm!"
"No!" Cobra Commander changed the channel again.
"Tired of the same old places to take the gang for dinner?" An announcer said over the scene of a group of thirty something adults sitting at a restaurant table. They looked bored and didn't enjoy the dismal meal in front of them.
"How about something fun for a change?" Crystal Ball's floating head seemed to float in on the table. "Alla-Ka-BLAM!"
With a poof the boring scene turned into a fun room with pool tables, skee ball, slot machines and other games several other adults were playing. Some people were laughing seemed to be in a small room where they were levitating. "At Mystic Meals every time you visit is magical!" Crystal Ball's head was shown again.
"Change the channel now!" Destro shouted.
"Right the last thing we need is to listen to the talking paperweight from beyond," Cobra Commander agreed.
"Coming up on Lifetime. The Liz and Dick story with Lindsey Lohan…"
"NO!" Everyone screamed.
"CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE!" Cobra Commander frantically hit the buttons.
"EVEN TIMMY SERPENT IS BETTER THAN THAT!" Destro yelled.
"Just turn the TV off!" Tomax shouted. Which Cobra Commander did.
"It's like the universe is taunting us!" Destro roared.
"You are not going to be any fun tonight are you?" Cobra Commander asked as he sipped his drink through the straw in his helmet. "Wonderful. Another night of listening to Destro the Downer!"
"I think I have a right to be down after another year of pointless insanity!" Destro snapped.
"At least I started my coal into diamonds project," Mindbender said. "I'm using the Easy Bake Oven we stole for Christmas and a few other spare parts. Hopefully I'll scrounge enough parts by the end of January and start making diamonds. Of course I would have had more parts by now if somebody hadn't screwed up our last foraging patrol!"
"Oh yeah my bad," Cobra Commander hiccupped. "But in fairness we needed a supply of alcohol more than parts for making diamonds right now."
"But did you have to drive that forklift right into the package store?" The Baroness asked.
"Hey, how else was I supposed to carry out the supplies we needed?" Cobra Commander asked.
"A herd of elephants would have trouble carrying out all the alcohol you stole," The Baroness remarked.
"So let's recap our year," Destro groaned. "We lost our base. We lost our troops. We lost our businesses and money. We lost our reputation. And the world has lost its mind!"
"Anybody wanna go back to Vegas?" Mindbender suggested.
"Mindbender that is the first good idea you have given us this entire year!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"We can't! Remember?" Destro snapped.
"Oh yeah. Angry mob boss and cops wanting to kill us. No bad idea," Cobra Commander remembered. "We haven't had a year this bad since 87!"
"No, I think this year is worse," Destro said. "By a landslide."
"Here, here," The Baroness agreed. "In fact I can think of nothing good about our situation or our lives this year!"
"I can. This ship has a fully stocked bar," Cobra Commander said. "By the way, you're welcome!"
"Well he's not wrong," The Baroness shrugged. "Let's get plastered and try to forget the nightmare we've been living."
"Might as well," Destro filled up his drink. "A toast…To the bar!"
"To the bar! Long may it decrease our pain!" Cobra Commander called out.
"By destroying every cell within our brain," Destro added.
"Thank God the Cobra Bar is open! Thank God the Cobra Bar is here! Thank God the Cobra Bar is open! Because it's been one hell of a year!" The Cobras sang.
"I was once lord of my own castle! A master of all I could see! Now my life is full of horror and hassle! This year has been one big catastrophe!" Destro sang.
"I've been humiliated while under a hypnotic spell," The Baroness sang. "My life is full of woe and shame. I'm barely surviving a living hell! And my idiotic coworkers are to blame!"
"Thank God the Cobra Bar is open! Thank God the Cobra Bar is here!" Destro and The Baroness sang. "Thank God the Cobra Bar is open! Because our life is one big pain in the rear!"
"We were once wealthy businessmen," Tomax wailed.
"Great titans of industry," Xamot added. "But this is now and that was then!"
"Our fortune and luck has gone out to sea!" The Twins said as one.
"I have a horrible life story," Mindbender sang. "Worked long hours and hardly got paid. Now I don't even have my own laboratory! Oh well, at least this year I got laid!"
"Thank God the Cobra Bar is open! Thank God the Cobra Bar is here!" The Twins and Mindbender sang. "Thank god the Cobra Bar is open!"
"Thank God for drunk women and beer," Mindbender raised his glass.
"Haven't had much luck with world domination," Cobra Commander hiccupped. "Haven't won a fight in almost thirty years. Right now I could use a vacation! Might as well take one right here!"
"You know drinking is no solution," Destro pointed out. "This you should really know!"
"For our sins there's no absolution," Cobra Commander replied in song. "So we might as well get blotto!"
"Thank God the Cobra Bar is open! Thank God the Cobra Bar is here!" The Cobras sang. "Thank God the Cobra Bar is open!"
"Let's drink and forget this whole damn year!" Cobra Commander called out.
"Look on the bright side," Tomax said.
"At least this year is almost over," Xamot added.
"Yeah a year named 2013 has to be real lucky!" Cobra Commander said sarcastically.