I Can't Take Your Lies Anymore
It was times like these that I wished I could sleep. Dream. Anything to get away from this life I am forced to live. Live, huh, what a sick joke. This isn't life, and what I am doing could hardly be considered living. Moping, sleepwalking, sulking; all good words for what I have. But not living, never living.
It was around two A.M. and the family decided to go on a late nigh hunting trip. I stayed home, not feeling the need to quench my miniscule thirst yet.
Currently, I was staring at a wall. I know, great pastime, right? I was desperately in need of something with which to occupy my mind. Anything to keep my mind off of my day. I couldn't stand to think of them anymore. As it turns out, anything translates directly to staring off into space. Space where my mind was free to wander. But, I did not want it to. Why couldn't there be one day, just one day when I could completely avoid the Cullens? Before they moved here, I already thought of them daily, and now that they live here, it's all just that much harder.
They were constantly on my mind. He was constantly on my mind. I couldn't stand it. They left me. They broke me. And yet I have the nerve to be a little unsure of my emotions. Hate. Anger. Rage. That is what I should feel. That is what they deserve. And so I shall give them what they deserve.
My thoughts were cut short by a knock on my window. I turned to see Edward clinging to the side of my house. I ran at top speed, and cautiously opened it a crack.
"What do you want?" I sneered, my voice laced with venom.
"We need to talk." He whispered.
"What? You're going to tell me that you're sick of being in the town as me so you're leaving? Huh? Because the last time you said anything along those lines you took my heart and stomped on it."
He looked hurt. Good. "No, Bella, I came to apologize."
"Oh, you did, did you?"
Before he spoke, he jumped through my window, so that he was standing in the middle of my room.
"I am so sorry. I thought that leaving you would ensure your safety; that if vampires were no longer a part of your life you would not be put in danger anymore."
"You know, I thought you were smarter than that. You were already part of my life. You already brought the danger into my life. You think that just because you left, all of the dangers I have faced will leave with you? That Victoria would just give up?"
"I hadn't thought of that."
"Oh, you hadn't thought of that. Well, then, that makes it all better, doesn't it Edward?"
"Damn right it doesn't!"
He flinched at my word choice.
"I now know that I should not have left."
"And what made you think that? Do you think I want to be with you? In a way, I'm glad you left; now I have a family. A real one. One that will not desert me. I thought I had a family, in Forks, a hundred years ago, but I guess not. I was just the weak little human you kept around; a pet." I paused to think over my words. That was exactly what Laurent had said to me in the meadow. Our meadow. Back then I didn't believe it. I still had the idea of trying to see Edward through stupid, dangerous things. I should have agreed with him. He was right after all. I chuckled.
"Oh, just remembering another reason that you're an idiot." This reminded me of Jake. We had kept in contact over the years. Jacob's imprint came along later than he expected. It happened only around sixty years ago. He continued to phase in hope that one day he would find her. As she got older, Jake found it harder, and harder to stop phasing, so that they could age together. After a while, he gave up trying. So, as of now, he only physically looks about twenty.
"And what was that?" he whispered.
"Laurent lied when he was helping us with James. He said he went to Denali to become vegetarian, but he didn't. He met up with Victoria. Back then, I hadn't realized that loving you was pointless," He let out a small gasp. "so one day, I set out to find our meadow. Laurent was there. He attacked me. Jake saved me then too. That was when I learned of what he is."
"Oh, Bella, I didn't realize-"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it; you're ignorant. Can we move on?"
He tried to move towards me but I pushed him back with my shield.
"Stay away from me."
"I don't know what I can do to fix this. Tell me. Tell me what to do to earn your trust, your love."
"What can you do? WHAT CAN YOU DO? How about you take back the last hundred years? I don't know how much time, how many countless hours I spent crying. I love my family- a lot, but do you realize how hard it is for me to be around my family who have all found their mates while I have no one? And do you know what the worst part of it is? Do you?"
"No." he whispered, pained.
"The worst part is knowing that I had someone, once. Someone who told me he loved me. Someone who walked away because I wasn't good enough. You know, for a long time after I was changed, and before I met my family, there were always these questions sitting in the back of my head. Questions that would make themselves known every time I thought of him. 'What did I do?' and 'What is wrong with me?' Tell me, Edward! What did I do?! What's wrong with me?! Why couldn't you love me the way I used to love you?"
He stood there, shocked for a moment.
"You didn't do anything. There is nothing wrong with you. I love you."
"You need to understand that no one in my family, no one, wanted to become this; a vampire. We all have reasons for wishing that we were still human. I didn't want you to regret anything. Once you're changed, there are things you can't do, things you can't have. I only ever want to give you things, not take them away."
"Ha! Good one. When did you come up with that one?"
"It's not a lie."
"Well, then you're worse than I thought. You say that you only want to give me things; that you don't want to take anything from me. That's a load of crap. You did give me things, wonderful things, a real family, true love. And, then you go behind my back, and take it all away. You gave me the one thing I didn't know that I'd been wanting. Then you kicked me out of paradise."
"I had no idea that you felt this way."
"What? Did you honestly think that I would forget you?"
"No, but I thought that you would eventually move on."
"If I did then I would just be lying to myself. You assume that because I was a human, that I didn't feel the way you felt, or claimed to feel. Well, you were wrong."
"Just go, Edward."
"I can't take your lies anymore."