My first real one-shot! I wrote it for New Year's. So, HAPPY NEW YEAR'S! It's kind of short and not that well-written, because I wanted to finish it in 2012 and it's 2013, so I'm already late. But, here it is. Rated T for adult language, sexual references and a lot of alcohol references. ENJOY! :D (P.S. I've never been drunk before, so I could only base this off of what I've seen in media before.)
"Ummagh! What's thisth bag doin' on muh head?" Roxanne Ritchi giggled.
"Ah!" Megamind exclaimed from behind his black leather spinny-chair, "She's awake! Minion, go!" His face was that of a child's on Christmas morning. He was always excited to kidnap Roxanne. Sure, some of it was because of the competition that followed up with Metro Man, which they had been involved in since infancy, but the real reason was one that he would never admit to anyone. After all, it would totally ruin his image of Metro City's evil villain, not that anyone was actually scared of what he would do. Everyone knew that Megamind wouldn't hurt a fly, but they were afraid of what he was. A blue, bald alien who was intellectually superior compared to any other being on the planet. Yet, Megamind liked to believe that he was in control. He liked the attention. He liked being noticed, even if it wasn't in the most positive of ways. And most of all, he loved seeing Roxanne.
Roxanne was the apple of his eye, and had been since he had first met her in high school. He always had a huge crush on her, and as he spent more time with her, his feelings for the nosy reporter grew and developed into a fully dreadful and terrible emotion: love.
He tried to stop it, his feelings, that is. But every time he flipped the TV on, and her face appeared, his heart would literally skip a beat and he couldn't do anything about it but sit there and deal with the long suffering that rejection brings. But that didn't stop him from trying! Oh, no, of course not! Megamind continued to kidnap her, hoping that one day he'd impress her and she'd agree to becoming his evil queen. Or at least tell him that she liked him, just as an acquaintance, a co-worker, or even as a friend. To him it felt like a slap in the face to not even be able to call himself her pal. It's every man's worst nightmare to be friend-zoned, but that seventh layer of hell would seem like cloud nine compared to the shithole he was in.
He was also excited to kidnap Roxanne because he'd been anticipating for this plot all day long. Normally, he would have his big, obnoxious scene toward the beginning of the day, or at least in the afternoon. It was a quarter after 11 in the night-time. At the moment, he became oblivious just as to why he had kidnapped her that late due to all of his enthusiasm and adrenaline, so he didn't immediately distinguish what was going on after he told Minion to proceed.
Minion lifted the potato sack off from the reporter's head. When her head was visible, she looked around the room, slack-jawed, entirely dumbfounded by the environment surrounding them. "Whoa! Check 'dis shit out!" she hollered, pointing at one of the guns.
"Uh, Miss Ritchi?" Megamind acknowledged, turning his chair around to check the situation out.
"Ya know, I've always lu-" she paused, as if she were searching her mind for the correct word, "loved yur doohickeies. They're real impressive ya know?" she chuckled, with a comical grin. Her enormous cobalt eyes were bloodshot and her charcoal-coloured eyeliner was so heavy that she gave the impression of being a racoon. Her scarlet red lipstick was smeared around her mouth, not too much to make her look utterly unattractive (then again, when was Roxanne Ritchi ever unattractive?) but enough for any third-party observer to tell that something was up.
"Miss Ritchi! I believe-"
"HEY! Look Im wear'n yellur socks! No really I am see?" she asked, swaying back and forth in her seat, pointing to her orange flats, where there were no yellow socks.
"Miss Ritchi, are you alright?" the so-called villain asked with a confused concern in his tone. He glared at her, befuddled. She has never acted like that around him before. Ever. She seemed so disorientated and light-headed. He rolled over his chair to get a better look at her state of being. Even though he maintained on the outside, he was mentally panicking. Is she okay? Is she ill? Was she hit in the head by a large, and remotely heavy object? Was she –
"Am I alright? Am I alright? I am purfeckly alright! In fackt I am.." She paused, blowing up her mouth, puckering up her lips and looking like a fish, and then she released, "PERFECT!" she proclaimed loudly.
Both Minion and Megamind looked at her like she just lost all of her marbles. Minion offered, "Miss Ritchi? Can I fetch you something? You know, water or… medicine?
"Um…" she started, "Do I… wait wait wait.. Does yins got some liquor? I could TOTES use some more!" she yelled. She started
"Sir, I think that Miss Ritchi is intoxicated."
Oh, that's right. It was New Year's Eve. Of course she was drunk.
"I knew that!" he lied. However, he had noticed that she had exhibited a lot of the symptoms of intoxication: loudness, excessive laughter, slurring words, rambling, swaying uncontrollably, exuberance, and saying things that she would never say sober. He just found it hard to believe that she was drunk. He understood that she was an adult and could make the adult decision to responsibly drink alcohol if she so pleased, but it was just difficult to believe that she would let herself act like this and get absolutely plastered, rather than just having a small buzz.
Minion approved, "If you say so, Sir. What do you think we should do with her? We can't just continue with a normal routine without Roxanne in a sober state. I mean, you are the boss, Sir, but-"
"Good point, Minion. Maybe we should take her back to where you found her," Megamind suggested, coming even closer to Roxanne to look for more physical symptoms.
"Sounds like a great plan, Sir."
"I don't WANNA go back! Pwese don't makemeh go back! I wantsta stays here'th you! It's so pretty in here!" the drunken reporter begged.
"Where did you find her?" the blue alien asked his servant, looking over his shoulder.
"Well, Sir, when I saw her, she was walking toward her work van in the parking lot near her apartment. I saw her there and sprayed her immediately, so that I could bring her back here."
"Miss Ritchi," Megamind called.
"Yeah blueberey?" said Roxanne, giggling.
"Don't call me blueberry," Megamind said in a deep, stern voice, "Ever," he added, for dramatic effect.
"Bwuberry," she laughed, while reaching up her tied up arms and poking the tip of his nose with her right ring finger.
The self-proclaimed evil genius was getting infuriated, but he calmed himself down, realizing that she was too blasted to be in charge of what she was doing, and he couldn't get angry at her for something that wasn't entirely her fault.
"Miss Ritchi, where you planning on driving somewhere?" Megamind reprimanded in a patronizing manner.
"No I was nuh plann'n on drivin' somewere," she stated, trying to act cute, and blatantly lying.
"Tell me the truth, Miss Ritchi," said the extra-terrestrial in a parenting manner.
"Okay well maybe I was gonna drive but I'd a really really really really really really guhd reason," she admitted, attempting to play the innocent card.
"That's bad! I don't care what the reason is, Miss Ritchi. You could have gotten seriously hurt, both physically and professionally. What if you got pulled over? What if you got written up for D.U.I.? You could have lost your job! And that's not even the worst! You could have DIED! Miss Ritchi, I am very disappointed in you, and you should never do thi-"
"OKAY! I'M SORRY!" she screamed and started to cry.
"No, don't – don't cry. It's alright. You're okay now! See?" he motioned with his arm, acknowledging that she was alive and safe. Yet, she continued to cry, rapidly forming a crescendo in her voice.
"Yur so good at patronizing me! You'd make a guhd parent. Wanna make a baby?"
Add inappropriate sexual advances to that list of symptoms.
"Minion," the handsome azure man summoned, ignoring Roxanne's remark. When he got his assistant's attention, he continued, "Take her back home. Keep a brainbot near her vehicle, too, to make sure that she doesn't try to go and do something dim-witted."
"On it, Sir!" he obeyed.
He grabbed the knock-out spray, but Roxanne flailed and covered her face, "I'm not goin' back. You can't make me!" Minion pulled her hands away from her face and sprayed the can, but nothing came out. He tried a few more times, but eventually gave up.
"Sir, I think that this can ran out," Minion informed him.
"Well, go find the spare one!" his master commanded with an obvious "Duh" in his timbre.
"Of course, Sir!" he abided by his orders, walking out of the room in a hurry.
"Nuh-huh-huh-hooooo!" she pouted.
And then it was just Megamind and a drunken Roxanne. Alone. In a room. With no one else around. What could go wrong?
"Why I gotta go back?" she whined.
"Why don't you want to go back? Was there something wrong?" he asked with worry. Was someone hurting her?
"YES! If I go back I haffa go tuh stupid Wayne stupid Scott's stupid New Year's Eve stupid party and don't real wanna go that's why I got drunk in the firsht place so I didn't gotta deal wit him. Personally, I always like you betta' 'den him 'cause he all 'Hey look at me! I Wayne Scott! I got stupid fuckin' powers 'n I fly 'n I strong 'n I got sexy hair!' He's just so stupidhead! But chu smart an' chu don't hit on me ev'ry fuckin' day like all duh other guys do. No, you're differnt. I like you. I think yur funner, too. Wayne's so borin', butchur cool," she confessed.
Megamind stood back in shock. Did she really just say that he was better than Wayne Scott? After countless attempts to get her to like him even a little bit, she's secretly liked him more? No, it couldn't be true. She was just saying things. She was drunk, and can an intoxicated person really ever be trusted while they are drunk? No.
"That's… nice," he said awkwardly. He wasn't sure of how to respond to any of this. He's never been around anyone drunk in person (even at the prison, they managed alcohol very carefully and no one ever got a hold of it there. Or at least, not when he was around). He, himself, had never been drunk before. He didn't know how to act.
"So, whudaya say 'bout havin' a party while the fish is lookin' for the spray? 'Cause yur funner that Wayne and I wanna PAR-TAY!"
"Miss Ritchi, I think you should just rest for a while. I know it's hard, but just try to keep calm for a while. You could accidentally hurt yourself, even if you don't mean to," Megamind offered.
"C'mon! You real need loosen up. Yur fun butchu can be SUCH a killjoy sometimes when yur all 'Let's be serious'," she mimicked her captor jokingly in a forced deep voice while pressing her chin to her chest in an attempt to get lower and more believable, from Megamind's point of view.
"Do you think so?" he honestly enquired. He was wondering if she really meant it. Was he a killjoy sometimes? Should he let go every now and then?
"Yeah. If you did we could have lots and tons o' fun!" she hollered.
"How would you suggest I do that?" he asked in a sarcastic style.
"You could start by puttin' on the balldrop on yur big moniters on up there?" she rambled, becoming confused towards the end of her statement.
"What 'balldrop'?" he asked, thinking that she was just speaking gibberish.
"OHMYGOD! YOU NEVER SAW THE BALLDROP?!"
"No?" he queried in perplexity.
"Okay okay okay okay okay. Turn – t – turn on the channel to.. Oh my God this is gonna be so exciting! Okay, so turn on the channel to.. Oh shit! What number was it? I think it's the one before…. Um… I think channel CNN I think they got it on there. It starts at eleventeen P.M. GO, before it's too late!"
"Okay, okay! Hold on!" he chortled.
"Ohmygod! Yur so gonna totally love it I'm tellin' ya!" she clamoured in amusement.
When he finally got the channel on the monitors to show CNN, they saw the bustling city of New York, New York. A city much like their own, except much more broadly known and without two alien residents competing against each other, constantly in the way of the public.
"This is it! This is it!" This is the it! This is balldrop!" she hooted with anticipation.
They watched the TV as the woman on the screen said, "Well, it's time to say goodbye to 2009 and hello to 2010 as we wrap up this year with the countdown, which will start in three minutes! Make sure you don't miss it, because this is a year to remember! Opportunities are coming in your direction, changes will be for the good, and romance is in the air!" Roxanne gave Megamind a little nudge when the lady finished her last phrase, and the kidnapper's face turned violet.
"Hear that?" Roxanne asked her villain, "Romance is in the air-r-r-r!" she attempted to roll her "r" but it came out as an old, dying walrus choking on kelp. Still, Megamind's insides warmed and his ears empurpled.
"Ya know," she continued, "I've always sorta kinda had a thing for you."
It killed to him to just ignore her sexual advances, but he did not want to take advantage of her like that and it would not be fair to her.
"Oh, really? Interesting," he replied. How did he respond to that casually? He hadn't been in a situation even vaguely similar to that one before, so he just tried to go with the flow, and stall until Minion came back with the spray.
"REALLY! Can you… untie me? Pwese?! It make my New Year's!"
"Miss RItchi, I think that you should just sit still for a while. For your safety," he responded. He wanted to make her happy, but he cared about her safety a lot more than temporary contentment that she would soon forget.
"PWESE?! You can keep a eye on me! I'll be good girl! PLEA-HE-HE-HEEEEZ!" she pleaded.
"I told you no, Miss Ritchi."
"I'll go kill myself if you don't!"
He knew she didn't mean it, considering she was insanely blotto and didn't know what on earth she was saying, but he couldn't take the chance, and he untied her arms. "Your feet are staying here, though. Kapeesh?"
"Kapishhh…" she agreed. "Meggy," she added, "What's your New Year's resolution?"
"Why, to defeat Metro Man of course!" he said, in a defensive manner.
"Oh, okay," she said. "Mine is you. I want you, you know. You shouldn't give up on me. Maybe sober Roxie won't admit it, but I real like chu."
They looked back at the TV, where they were counting down the last thirty seconds of the year.
"Guess this is it," the cerulean alien stated aloud.
"Yeah! Oh my god! The new year is coming! 2010! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she hooted.
Then, they shouted in unison, both smiling and having the time of their lives, "TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN, SIX, FIVE, FOUR, THREE…."
That's when Roxanne did something that knocked Megamind out of his socks.
Roxanne Ritchi pulled him in with her arms, considering that they were sitting right next to each other, and planted one right on his periwinkle lips. Megamind, in shock, kept his eyes wide open nearly the whole time. He really didn't want to use her, but he couldn't help himself when he began to kiss back.
Then, Minion walked in the room at that exact time, witnessing them making out, her feeling him up just a little.
"Uhh…" the space fish uttered in shock.
"Oh, um, Minion, did you find the spray?" the master asked him.
"No, I'm sorry, Sir,"
"Well, that's alright. Just take her home. It's not like she'll remember any of this tomorrow, anyways."
One word: Review. Oh, and watch out for the Alternate Ending, which should be up soon! ;)