Willow smiled watching from up high in Serenity as she was awoken about 5 minutes earlier by the racket of Xander chasing down his new wife. She watches the door open as the Captain enters and they watch as Xander continues to try to keep in pursuit of his wife.
Mal looked to Willow and said. "The pitter patter of newly weds in big old combat boots." Mal leaned over the side and shouted and shouted. "Shut Up!"
"Just getting my breakfast back Captain." Xander insisted.
Mal rolled his eyes. "We have plenty of protein."
Xander rolled his eye and stopped. "I'm not eating that go se when I have genuine food. Well I had genuine food and she stole it."
"What's mine is yours." River countered running behind the ATV.
"No only half of mine is yours." Xander countered running to the ATV.
"That's divorce we're married." River countered as she feigned right and quickly ran left.
Mal sighed in frustration and acceptance. "One of you is going to fall and die and I am not going to clean it up."
Xander chased River before finally catching her in the dining room wrapping his arms around her waist and lifted her off the floor. "OK got you breakfast please."
River smiled and took a bowl out with a lid containing sliced up watermelon balls and put one into his mouth.
Xander took a bite grateful for genuine food before he turned to Kaylee. "I'm thinking Xiel"
Kaylee looked at him and understood. "Oh xie xie"
"Xie xie" Xander repeated to his wife still trying to learn Chinese though he is picking some things up he just learns better with Wash because he's teaching him cursing.
River smiled and kissed him on the cheek just as Simon came in.
Xander rolled his eye and knew what was coming as he put River down and dodged Simon grabbing one of the doc's arms and pulling him down to the ground in an arm bar. "Stop trying to hit me."
Simon struggled to resist and since Xander didn't want to break the doc's arm he simply released the hold on to him and left the room.
Simon got to his feet and looked at the glare of his sister as she kicked him in the shin. Leaving him holding his ankle
"Bundun" River said as she kicked him in the other ankle and left in the opposite direction.
Jayne had a smile on his face that almost matched Kaylee's. The Doc got beat up again and soon he'll be divorced by his sly wife. This will be a great day.
Wash had to say he enjoyed whenever the doc went after the recruit that married his sister. Every time he did Xander found new ways to end it without hurting the doc. "Well that was different."
"Those two could have shared some of that while we eat this ruttin pile." Jayne complained.
Zoe looked to the doc. "You know it's only a matter of time before one of them actually hurts you. I'd have done it my self last time."
"Well I can't exactly just sit back and watch him take advantage of my sister's mental state." Simon countered noticing those two getting closer.
Inara rolled her eyes Xander has never done anything of the sort. "Simon your sister is at that age where she wants to feel that connection and for whatever reason she chose him."
"Besides I was years younger when I did." Kaylee added.
"But she's not in the right mind." Simon defended himself.
"She has her off days." Kaylee agreed. "But as you keep saying she's gifted fully capable of making her own decisions."
Xander looked around and quickly rolled his eyes realizing he's in the wrong shuttle again as if the girly décor didn't give it away. He turns around and walks right into Inara. "It's not what it looks like I sit in the other shuttle for moments of peace and got confused."
"It's alright just know that I'm not working." Inara replied.
Xander sat down and took it easy. "Fair enough."
Inara looked at him he's a mysterious one at that but not like the captain he has his share of secrets that him and Willow seem to protect in hardened iron. Especially since according to Mal they paid a year in advance with a gold bar of all things. "I take it I don't have to ask why you came in here."
"If you do you must have had a full face at breakfast." Xander quipped.
Inara laughed and sat down next to him. "You know he's just trying to protect his sister."
Xander nods in agreement he'd probably be doing the same thing. "I get that but his sister full person capable of making her own choices... and picking the locks on my bunk."
Inara raised an eyebrow knowing Xander spoke too much as she sees him scouting the room looking for something to change the subject to. "So where'd you learn to throw people around like that?"
Xander looked around the room and smiled. "Probably the same people that taught you how make that flash bomb because I doubt it's the academy. I'm guessing there was an unwanted grabby client st some point."
Inara looked at him impressed she wonders if Jayne would know that was a flash bomb. "So where did you learn all that stuff? Alliance?"
"I took army basic training when I was 17." Xander answered with as much of the truth as he could. "But time went on and I let it get flabby which is absolutely stupid considering how often hand to hand combat would have done me some good in the past. I'd like to say I relearned it because it was the right thing to do... but the truth is I found out Wesley who was pretty much our version of Simon became a much better fighter then me. Willow helped me through some refresher courses and my friend Buffy taught me some things after that."
"Well we all do stupid things at times at least you put yours to good use." Inara replied seeing how he probably had to protect Willow a time or two.
Xander smiled looking at Inara. "You mean like kissing a man who was drugged."
Inara eyes shot as she quickly tried to defend herself. "What I didn't… I never… I- I got hit like you and Wash."
"Uh huh and Spike really did have the sex bot built to play checkers with." Xander quipped looking at Inara's face she's probably not used to someone getting the jump on her. "Don't worry your secret stays with me but if I found out odds are Willow and River know too."
Inara nodded in relief companion and normal guy dating is very confusing to her. "And I won't tell Simon that you really do like River and thought of her naked a time or two... and judging from the look on your face... have actually seen it."
It was now Xander's turn to wear the surprised face. "What? I never… not… thank you."
Inara smiled seeing him brought right back down.
Xander looked to Inara and decided to have a bit of fun at other people's expense. "Those protein bricks they feed families for a month right?"
Inara nodded her head not seeing where he is going with this.
"Think the Captain would mind if I locked Simon and Kaylee in the engine room with one and a case of water for about two weeks to show the Doc that there's a life he can have outside of his sister."
Inara held a hand over her mouth because she's pretty sure laughing like that is unbecoming of a companion. "That's not very subtle Xander."
"Well my last long term relationship started because my prom date showed up in the fall and took her dress off right in front of me. Subtlety is lost on some men." Xander replied.
"There's no bathroom." Inara pointed out a flaw in Xander's plan. "But if we actually bring Kaylee in on the plan she might work something out."
"What plan is that?" Mal asked he has a nice easy job on Beaumonde he doesn't want that ruined.
Inara rolled her eyes at him. "Knock"
Mal pointed to Xander. "He didn't knock."
"I invited him in." Inara replied. "And I'm well aware of the rules all we were doing was talking."
"And planning something from the sounds of it." Mal added.
Inara looked at the captain. "We were talking about locking Simon and Kaylee in the engineering room for a few weeks."
Mal looked to Xander and who shrugged and replied. "What mechanic will still be in the engineering room? Also we were joking so what's up?"
"We're landing on Beaumonde and the ambassador has work to do?" Mal finished practically pulling him out of her shuttle. Xander was confused he thought Inara was a space hooker.
Serenity lands as most of the crew disembark save for Wash Simon and River who stay on board. Xander follows Willow, Jayne, Kaylee and Book as the Shepard takes them into a church. Jayne sits down and punches some things onto the screen as a man who likes like a smaller version of Jayne shows up.
"Di di I need a favor." Jayne said solemnly.
"No" The voice over the computer said.
Jayne pointed at the computer. "I didn't even tell you what is yet baby brother."
"You want my permission to divorce Willow Rosenberg."
Jayne looked at him confused. "Now how in tyen shiao dao did you know that?"
The man on the monitor held up a cortex. "Message from Triumph you messaged ma while you were drunk."
"Oh go se" Jayne muttered what the hell did he do that for.
Willow scratched her head. "Well I'm sly I think they call it doesn't that count for grounds for divorce."
Jayne and his brother shake their heads. "Let me guess she says we brought it on ourselves and live with our ruttin mistake."
"Seems to be the gist of it." The man replied. "And I agree with her."
"Well horrible plan, very bad I'm sly, crooked as they get." Willow insisted.
The man looked at her. "Then why did you sleep with him?"
"Alcohol, booze, wine we're all very unmixy I can only begin to tell you what I did during college. Me, my friends, and alcohol very unmixy so please, divorce us." Willow got out in a ramble
Jayne's brother looked at him. "Sorry but even intoxicated you must have gone to Jayne for a reason. Xie xie for the money you sent for Mattie. I'll also see if I can work on ma."
With that Jayne's brother turned the monitor off.
Willow turned to Jayne in shock. "I can't believe this you mean to tell me we're stuck married because your brother is afraid of your mother."
"Ain't his ruttin fault." Jayne defended his brother. "Radiant Cobb is one powerful scary creature. And unlike me Kelly is stuck on the same moon as her."
Xander looked up in surprise. "Jayne, Kelly your mom must have really wanted girls huh."
"The Cobb boys got boy parts rest assured just ask the wife." Jayne defended himself and his brother.
Willow looked at him and smacked him on the back of the head.
Kaylee was still in shock from it all. "It's the fact that Jayne's brother is a Shepard that confuses and baffles me."
Xander put an arm around Willow and held her close this wasn't exactly the news she has wanted to hear. "Well look at the bright side. You're now a statistic in loveless marriages."
Willow smiled and pulled Xander closer and whispered. "I should have cast a spell on him."
"I don't think the dark arts are good enough to cause a divorce here."
Willow smiled as the two walked off.
Kaylee watched Jayne with a smile. "Did you just check out Willow's butt?"
Jayne snapped back realizing he wasn't alone. "No, of course ruttin not. Besides look at those two."
Kaylee just laughed. "Load of go se they're war buddies just like Zoe and Captain."
Jayne looked at Kaylee. "The woman is sly and I damn sure ain't the marrying type don't even like the ruttin witch just appreciate a nice view."
Kaylee just held her hands up seeing the burly merc walk away. Kaylee was taken by surprise when she sees Xander and Willow enter a book store of all things.
Xander entered the store and rolled his eyes in the past he was never a big fan and in the future it's even worse because the things he's looking for are nowhere to be seen. "Excuse me miss where would we find the old books like earth that was old."
The librarian simply shrugged and pointed upstairs. "All the old tomes are up there but no one ever goes up there. People usually just find things on the cortex."
Xander walked up and they started scouring through the countless books for anything that resembled something Giles like. Willow looked through indexes and anything else they can find. Twelve hours later the search wasn't going any better then when they started.
Willow closed her book clearly frustrated. "Darn it this sucks."
Xander closed his book and started messaging her shoulders. "We'll figure it out someday."
"It's pretty much all we can do." Willow finished since that spell only moves forward in time. "I just don't get it. I mean… we changed the world. You'd figure that would get us a nod to our work but nothing. I also don't understand why I took us so far into the future."
Xander knew this was eating her up and he doesn't know what to tell her. "You're the one who tells me that we all have a place in the grand design so this must have happened for a reason. We'll find out what happened to Buffy, Dawn, and everyone else. So can you please just not lose it for now?"
Willow just rested back and lay against Xander exhausted. "Buffy saved the world so many times why wouldn't anyone remember her? Especially Spike or Angel."
"Buffy did her best work at night in the dark." Xander answered. "Maybe she just quietly retired and had 2.4 kids with a decent guy."
Willow shakes her head no. "Then why wouldn't there be anything on any other slayer. We were close to three thousand when we disappeared and now we can't find one."
"We'll find out what happened to them." Xander assured her. "After all it's our job."
Two weeks later the crew of Serenity left Beaumonde having a new job on the moon of Canton. Xander stretched his arms all these moons and there's not a single mention of slayers in the past 500 years. She alone fights the vampires what the hell is going on. Xander turned to the side and saw River hiding behind the doorway. She tends to sneak up on him and watch him carefully although they do get a long much better then the other married couple on board.
Xander walked by and Kaylee pulled her into an argument with Simon.
Kaylee looked to Xander. "OK neutral third party we need your opinion does Simon swear?"
Xander looked at the two. "You two are having a conversation about which of you swear more?"
Kaylee shakes her head no. "I'd win every time since I have to keep Serenity running without a compression coil. The question is does doc swear."
"Yes" Xander answered. "About as often as when Jayne and Will announce their undying love for each other."
"I swear when it's appropriate." Simon defended himself.
Xander rolled his eye. "Doc the whole point of swearing is that it's supposed to be inappropriate you dumb muqin bendan."
"See doesn't know how to say please or thank you in Chinese but he already knows how to say mother fu..." She stops seeing Simon's face. "In two languages." Kaylee finished with a smile. Xander wonders if there is anything that can break this woman she'll probably ask nicely to have people flip her off as they hear a loud racket from the infirmary. They all run in and see Jayne shirtless wrapping tape around his waist.
"Now, this would be the perfect time for a swear word." Kaylee quipped.
Simon was in shock looking at his destroyed quarters. "What...happened in here?"
"Needed to find some tape." Jayne replied while taping a pistol to his stomach.
Simon looked at him in shock trying to collect the pieces. "So you had to tear my infirmary apart?"
Jayne smirked this was definitely the highlight of his day. "Apparently."
Simon started cleaning the infirmary seeing so much torn apart. "My god…you're like a trained ape… Without the training."
Mal enters, sees the gun Jayne is strapping to his belly. "Jayne. I told you we're setting down at the Canton factory settlement on Higgins' moon.
"Yep. That you did." Jayne agreed.
"Canton don't allow guns in their town." Mal reminded him.
Jayne nodded in agreement while taping. "Yes sir. That's why I ain't strapping one to my hip."
Mal just looked at him and replied. "No. That's why you ain't strapping one anywhere."
Jayne looked at the captain concerned about his past. "Oh, listen, Mal… I was in Canton a few years back; I might have made me a few enemies thereabouts."
Simon looked at him and asked sarcastically. "Enemies? You? No, how can it be?"
"I just don't like the idea of us going in there empty-handed is all." Jayne pointed out.
Mal looked at him and asked. "Why are you still arguing what's been decided?"
Jayne looks at Mal, sighs, and then rips the tape off his belly as he whimpers.
Xander came out for the first bit of fresh air in two weeks and instantly his face scrunched. "I'm half blind already how much of a beating do my senses have to take?"
Simon tried to hold his breath. "Canton really… stinks."
Willow came out and to her it wasn't as bad as a potential locater spell but still bad.
Mal smirked watching the rookies gasp for breath at first. "That's what makes it such a great drop point. No one comes here that doesn't have to."
"I vote we do this job really, really fast." Wash said wanting to get back on the ship.
"Kessler's our man. He's holding the goods we're to deliver. We go in, make contact. Easy peasy. Zoe, you're holding down the fort. Call ahead to Bernoulli, let him know we'll have his merchandise end of the week."
"Don't I usually stay with the ship?" Wash said.
Zoe simply smiled seeing their roles switched. "I outrank you." She kisses Wash. "Have fun."
Simon looked around not any happier. "So, this is a place where they... they make mud."
Kaylee nods. "Yep. Clay really. You'd be surprised how many things it ends up in. Serenity's got more than a few ceramic parts in her."
"Really?" Simon asked.
Simon wasn't sure what to think of that and just replies with what Xander says whenever he's confused. "Huh."
Kaylee smiled as an idea came to her. "Captain, don't you think Simon should come with us?"
Simon's face lit up in surprise. "What? Oh, Kaylee, I don't-I don't think that..."
Xander smiled seeing a chance to help out Kaylee after all the Mandarin she's been teaching him for the past two weeks. "You go on, doc. See the sights. I can watch over your sister. She is my wife after all."
River came out of the ship with a smile hearing Xander call her that as she wraps her hand around his as he tried to wriggle out for the doc's sake.
Simon did what he could to stay calm. "I…I don't know, River can be...
Willow rolled her eyes the doc really needs a life of his own. She puts a hand on her head and thinks. 'Thank you Xander I'm sure you'll take good care of her.'
"Thank you Xander I'm sure you'll take good care of her." Simon said robotically
Xander and River both mouth thank you to Willow as they go their own way.
"If you two get arrested I am not bailing you out." Mal looked at Simon wondering what caused that change of heart. "I'm not going that far, Doctor, and you might maybe make yourself useful."
Jayne looked at the two through a very poorly done disguise. "Come again?"
In the blackness of space the masked figure from Triumph is exploring space for its last target. It quickly turns its head in an almost 180 but quickly turns the ship around and heads full burn for Canton.
Willow was walking with the crew as they all came to a stop hearing Jayne run on about his past after Simon embarrassed himself while pretending to be a buyer.
Mal, Kaylee, and Wash didn't know what to say. Willow just spoke her mind. "It's so Jayneish and… growly.
Simon took a look and wondered if this is what a nervous breakdown feels like as he looks at a statue dedicated for the honor of Jayne Cobb. "Son of a bitch."
Thanks for the reviews
Despite PMs River is not a slayer she's damaged enough as is.
As for the complaints I got about Willow/Jayne my whole idea with those two is to subvert the typical Vegas story. I read countless stories where two characters from X and Y shows are soulmates and put little to no effort into making it work. And these two are as far from that as I could think to get.
I didn't see a point with translations this the two new words are little brother and Kaylee already explains the other one.
Up Next: Jaynestown