A/n: Sorry for such a long time in between updates!
As John drifted back to sleep, Sherlock paced the room again. He had already counted everything he could in the room. He really did need some sleep, but he feared John waking up again. He obviously had some resistance to pain killers if he had woken up already. Possibly because of the last gunshot wound. Will have to watch him in case of addiction if he pulls…don't say if. John survived the desert he will survive this.
Gracious as per usual John had blamed himself for what happened, but Sherlock knew it was his selfishness that had gotten them into this mess. Instead of using John's input as he normally would have on a case, Sherlock had shut him out in order to protect him from Moriarty. At least that's what Sherlock told himself. In reality he knew he was only being selfish. He may have been protecting John, but was it just for himself? He didn't want to lose John.
Sherlock grunted and rolled his eyes in annoyance at himself. He glanced over at the chart at the end of John's bed. The nurse had scribbled something new on it during her last visit while she glared at Sherlock in the corner. Mycroft had insisted that Sherlock be allowed to stay with John and Lestrade had made something up about Sherlock being security to get the doctors to agree.
He squinted from where he sat trying to read the writing without getting up. So far they were sure John's injured included a lacerated scalp, four broken ribs, some internal bleeding and the bullet tearing through his body. Sherlock thought the scribble just indicated another dose of pain meds so he simply went back to analyzing all the information Lestrade had given him so far. The folder contained everything the Yard had about Moriarty's web and what they had found in the two warehouses as well as the residence that Sherlock had pointed out to the police.
There wasn't much beyond what Sherlock already knew. Some weapons, evidence of drugs and a web of criminals working together. Now Sherlock was sure he would have to work with Mycroft because most of the names were criminals from abroad. Greg walked through the door as Sherlock flipped the folder shut.
"Everything is cleared up with the press and my superiors."
"Asleep…. In pain...He has several severe injuries." Sherlock struggled to explain the details of what the doctors had found.
"He'll be alright?" Greg asked at the end.
"If there are no other complications, I expect he will recover physically." Sherlock nodded. Mentally might be a different story. Who knows what kind of poison put in his brain that wasn't drugs? What kind of doubts and dark thoughts about Sherlock? about himself?
"Sherlock you do know that you couldn't prevent this? John was kidnapped and…" Greg stopped when Sherlock stood up and glared at him.
"I knew Moriarty was back. I knew he had been back for weeks. I even knew where his headquarters were. I knew he was setting up a way to try and hurt me and I suspected that was through John. I continuously kept John in the dark in hopes of protecting him. I pushed him away in order to keep him safe and I left the flat that night he was taken because I was too upset after our fight to protect him. I was too busy trying to protecting him to let him do his job. I treated him like a child instead of the soldier that he is." Sherlock was almost shouting by the time he got to the end of his speech. I failed him. I failed John. How can he want to talk to me? When he woke up, he wanted to comfort me!
"Sherlock you were trying to help him. Moriarty was dangerous and he was on your level. Last time he strapped John to bombs because he was involved. It's reasonable that you tried to protect him." Greg tried to calm the tall man down. He was pacing back and forth across the room now. Greg steered him out in the hall way. Sherlock turned on him again once they were out of John's room.
"And it almost cost him his life. Then out of all the things he could do…punch me, be angry or hate me, he decided to tell me none of his injuries were my fault. In fact, it is entirely my fault because I let my emotions, my feelings for him,…." Sherlock paused. He was horrified that he had just admitted it out loud. He glanced at Lestrade who was still looking at him intensely. Stupid stupid Lestrade doesn't need to know about all your failings. You've given him enough fuel for jokes for at least a few years. "I let my feeling for him get in the way of what works. We always solve crimes together. He always makes my deductions come faster and more clearly. I should have respected him enough to let him help me."
Sherlock continued to shake his head.
"John is going to be fine. Keep an eye on him. You are my security on him after all." Greg turned to leave, but came back to Sherlock. "Emotions are part of being human. Maybe if you let yourself experience them once in a while, they won't cloud your thinking next time. When managing emotions, it's better to be informed and honest with yourself. No one is going to blame you for caring about your friends Sherlock especially not me."
"Thank you for the advisement." Sherlock nodded as he calmed down. He had admitted a great deal to Greg just then. He went back into John's room.
"Are you ever going to have a replacement come so you can take a break?" another nurse shift had started and this one was nicer. She handed Sherlock a cup of coffee.
"Thank you. No actually I'm his personal body guard. I'm the only one assigned to him for now. I expect we'll have more security once we leave the hospital." Sherlock lied. She was young and his smile reassured her.
"Oh, well then I'll see you next time I come around." She smiled at Sherlock as she turned to leave.
I'll need to tell John when he wakes up. I need to tell him everything so he knows. He might hate me…..I have to take that chance. He deserves the truth. I can't fail him anymore.
He began to nod off after being away for nearly three days straight. The small cup of coffee wouldn't be enough to keep him awake. His nap that was interrupted when John had woken up had been less than an hour and he was exhausted. Sherlock tried to keep his eyes open, but sleep over took him.