I own nothing, none of the characters or series used in this. Heck, I don't even own the laptop I'm writing this on.

The premise of this is that it will essentially be a series of unconnected oneshots, each portraying what would have happened had [insert particular person, real or fictional] been a Servant. It will be entirely AU, obviously.

I also am not going to be sticking too closely to timelines – for example, if I feel [insert character] will have good chemistry with a particular Master, and a good fight with a particular Servant, I will use them even if that Master and Servant are from different wars.

At the end of each chappy, I'll put in the usual description of the Servants and their Abilities, and if any of you want to use any Servant portrayed here as is, with the same Noble Phantasms, abilities etc., please feel free. I only ask that you credit me and PM me with a link so I can read your story too.

Suggestions are welcome for whom I should use next chapter.

Kotomine Kirei wasn't sure exactly what Assassin he had been hoping for. In truth, he had believed that the very name 'Assassin' would act as a catalyst for summoning one of the Hashashin, the 'Old Men of the Mountain'. Or at least, that was what everyone had told him.

It clearly wasn't the case.

The man who stood in front of him wore a mask – well, a sort of a mask; but there the similarities to the legends of the Hashashin ended. His spiky silver hair stood up on his head, and a strange metal plate with some sort of swirl on it covered his left eye. The remainder of the man's face was obscured by a deep blue mask. The rest of his attire was unremarkable, consisting of a deep blue shirt and pants, and a green, forest-coloured jacket. His hands were covered by fingerless gloves with a metal plate on their back.

Then the man did something that made Kirei certain he was no Hasashin.

He looked at his summoner, and smiled – somehow, Kirei could make out he was smiling even through his mask – and lifted one hand in a lazy wave.

"Yo." he said.

Kirei resisted the urge to rub his suddenly aching temples. "Introduce yourself." he ground out.

The man eye-smiled ( there was no better word for it ) again. "I am Servant Assassin. I like some things, and I dislike others. My hobbies-" and here the man had the sheer gall to giggle "and I've never really thought about my dreams."

Then the man reached into his pocket. Kirei tensed. Servants attacking their Masters wasn't an unknown occurrence – if rather stupid, since a Master could rely on his or her Command Seals - and who knew what an Assassin had up his sleeve ?

In a flash, the man drew out…a bright orange book ? Kirei stopped to consider this, and the man began reading it. "Now," he said, "why doesn't my Master introduce himself ?"

Kirei let loose a groan. Why did the Gods see fit to hate him so ?

Both Servants disengaged from their brief clash and landed on the branches of two opposing trees.

Kirei watched from a distance, as his Servant warily observed the other, red-and-black wearing, silver-haired Servant.

"You're pretty good, Archer-san." said his Servant cheerily.

The Archer smirked, and his twin black-and-white swords materialized in his hands again.

"I suppose I will have to get serious then." continued his Servant, and finally, finally tucked his orange book back into his pocket. Kirei had subsequently discovered that the book was nothing more than porn, although his servant had claimed it was "porn with a plot."

So saying, his Servant drew out a strangely-shaped knife.

The Archer's smirk widened, and in a flash, the twin swords disappeared, and were replaced by – the same knife ?

His Servant's one visible eye widened. "Well, Archer-san. Is this perhaps your ability ?"

The Archer said nothing, and another one of his Servant's knives appeared in the Archer's other hand – and the Servants were at it once again, blurs of blue-green and black-red clashing against the night sky, the ringing sounds of metal on metal echoing through the clearing.

Archer had often thought himself to be a very good sword-wielder, but he had to admit that he was probably just a tad outclassed at the moment. It was a bad decision to be fighting the Assassin with his own weapons, although Archer – or EMIYA, to give his real name – enjoyed the look of shock on the other Servant's face when he had replicated the strange weapon he had drawn. Archer was disappointed though, that it seemed to be nothing more than an ordinary, although strangely shaped, knife.

EMIYA's train of thought abruptly derailed when all he could see was a blur of grey, and he realized, with a sudden jolt, that the reason the knife was so oddly shaped was that it doubled as a throwing knife. Moving his head to the right as quickly as possible, he ended up only slightly off-balance in the air, and missing a few strands of hair – although he soon realized when he saw his opponent that this was what Assassin planned for.

The Assassin was on the ground, his hands a blur, but he seemed to be making some sort of strange shapes with them - and then the sound of a thousand birds screaming in chorus erupted throughout the clearing, and Assassin's hand suddenly seemed to be enveloped in dense lightning – in a flash of blue, Assassin had disappeared, and EMIYA just realized the man was coming for him – he twisted desperately in the air, trying to call up Rho Aias, but there was no time – and then in a burst of searing pain, Assassin's hand burst through his right shoulder, missing his head by inches, taking a good-sized chunk out of it, and EMIYA landed on the ground in pain, determined to kill this Assassin.

The Assasin turned to face him, whispering "Raikiri."

EMIYA made the two copied knives disappear. He had to end this, and he knew just the thing to do it. Something he had copied from the man who had nearly killed him as a child.

A black and red spear formed in his hand, and EMIYA knew that the spear which could invert cause and effect would end this battle for him. Assassin suddenly lifted the metal plate covering his eyes, and EMIYA vaguely made out some weirdness about his newly revealed left eye, but, determined to end the battle, he shouted, "Gae Bo-"

And then Gae Bolg disappeared.

There was no other way to explain the phenomenon. There was a sudden hole in the air that had formed around Gae Bolg, and the weapon had literally disappeared from EMIYA's grasp before he could even fully call out the name.

What the hell ? wondered EMIYA, uncomprehending.

"Kamui." said the strange Assassin, and EMIYA could make out that the man seemed slightly tired, but what caught his attention was the newly revealed left eye. It was red and black, and some strange pinwheel pattern spun furiously within it.

"That wasn't very nice, Archer-san." called the Assassin, his voice still cheery. "My eye told me that I would have died if you had just finished saying the name of that strange weapon."

So his eye predicts the future. thought EMIYA, grimly. Terrific. Only one thing for this, then.

"I am the bone of my sword-" he chanted, his Soul Aria initiating.

And then EMIYA stopped, gaping widely at the Assassin in front of him. Because the man was in the same position as EMIYA – and he was continuing the Soul Aria !

"Steel is my body, and fire is my blood." said the Assassin, continuing the chant.

"But, but how on earth can-" said EMIYA, weakly.

"-I do this, right Archer-san ?" replied the Assassin, finishing EMIYA's sentence for him.

No way. There is just no way.

"Sharingan." said the Assassin, still smiling. "Such a hypocrite, Archer-san. Copy others' weapons, but so amazed when someone copies yours."

"Who- who on earth are you ?" shouted Archer, his mind still refusing to function.

"I am Hatake Kakashi, the Copy Ninja – the Man of One Thousand Phantasms. Very nice to meet you, Archer."

Alright ! So there's the first one.

So essentially, I understand some of you may not think this fight will turn out the way I say it will – and that's fine, I agree – for example, depending on the number of times Archer uses Gae Bolg, he can win since Kamui is only usable thrice before Kakashi collapses – so please don't flame me saying that you think "ARCHER PWNS ANYONE" or "KAKASHI ROXXX" etcetera.

That said, I thought EMIYA was the perfect match for Kakashi – I just couldn't resist the thought of writing EMIYA as he discovers that someone out there can copy his moves, instead of him just copying others'.

I am assuming, of course, that the Soul Aria is the equivalent of handseals, and therefore Kakashi can copy it – much like he did to Zabuza's technique in the Wave Arc. I do understand that the Reality Marble is suppsedly unique and I'm iffy about the whole Sharingan copying souls thing - but, really, there's so much potential there. And besides, since everything evolves during the transition to Heroic Spirit ( for example, the Gordian Chariot becomes something that can fly and spray lightning instead of just a normal chariot ) the Sharingan has evolved to copy even unique things.
If you don't like that theory, just assume that all Kakashi did was copy the words of the Soul Aria ( via Sharingan hypnosis ) to throw a scare into EMIYA, and that he can't really activate it.

Kakashi, for those of you who don't know ( very few, I'd imagine ) is a character from the series Naruto, the teacher of the titular character, and the ex-student of the titular character's father. He is well-known as the Copy Ninja, and the Man of One Thousand Jutsu ( Techniques ).

Also, a note that I have essentially taken the format for the presentation of the character's skills from The Infamous Man. I have modified it a little, of course. Go ahead and read his fanfics, FateZero Sense and FateStay Away; they are funny. Also, Deadpool rocks.

Class: Assassin

Master: Kotomine Kirei

True Name: Hatake Kakashi

Titles: The Copy Ninja, The Man of One Thousand Phantasms

Sex: Male

Height/Weight: 181cm/67.5kg

Alignment: Orderly Good

Strength: B+

Endurance: B+

Agility: A

Mana: B

Luck: C+

Noble Phantasm: A+

Class Skills-

Presence Concealment- A

The capacity to hide one's presence as a Servant. It is a common skill to the Assassin class.

Assassin is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to sense. Assassin has been trained to assassinate people and carry out missions stealthily ever since he was four years old.

Personal Skills-

Expert of Many Specialisations- A+

Access to and use of many expert skills.

Assassin was widely known as the Copy Ninja in his lifetime due to his ability to successfully imitate techniques across a wide variety of styles and forms. He is said to know more than one thousand techniques, and is an expert in all forms of combat – physical, ninjutsu, illusions, tracking, trap-making etc.

For One's Comrades- B+

Rank-up in stats while fighting to save or protect one's comrades.

Assassin's philosophy in life has always been that "those who abandon the mission are trash, but those who abandon their comrades are lower than trash."

Noble Phantasms-

Raikiri "One Thousand Birds that Cut Lightning" : B+

Assassin's signature technique in life, it is a condensed form of lightning that envelops his hand and is then thrust into the opponent at a high speed. It causes a sound that resembles a thousand birds chirping. The technique is said to be able to penetrate anything, and it is rumoured to even be able to split a lightning bolt in half.

Sharingan "A Gift from a Fallen Brother" : A+

Assassin's left eye had been replaced by the Sharingan, a bloodline limit unique to his closest friend. Assassin obtained this eye when his friend was on his deathbed on a mission. It allows Assassin to predict the movements of his opponents, and see into the future to a limited extent. It also allows him to copy the techniques used by his opponents, save for a limited few.

Kamui "The Authority of the Gods" : A

The signature technique of Assassin's Sharingan, it creates a temporary, small dimensional warp that can be summoned in Assassin's line of sight. The dimensional warp then absorbs whatever touches it before dissipating. This can be used safely only twice per day; Assassin will collapse on the third use. Requires Sharingan to be active.