I own nothing, none of the characters or series used in this. Heck, I don't even own the laptop I'm writing this on.

At the end of the chapter, I'll put in the usual description of the Servant and their Abilities, and if any of you want to use any Servant portrayed here as is, with the same Noble Phantasms, abilities etc., please feel free. I only ask that you credit me and PM me with a link so I can read your story too.


Okay, so technically this Servant shouldn't exist at all. I mean heck, he isn't dead! But I got a PM suggesting him, and I spent time just thinking about how hilarious it would be, and well, technically, he has portrayed himself in fictional media before...so don't take this one too seriously, this is meant to be one more along the lines of my Bugs Bunny. Just something to think about and laugh. And by the way, if you don't know who this guy is...I'm disappointed in you.

Also a lot of the scenes here are references to famous scenes of this person's, so let's see how many of you get the references.


Caster's summoning relied on the corruptness of the Grail system. There was no way that she could have otherwise summoned a Servant, being one herself, and so she didn't particularly expect everything to go according to plan.

In fact, she expected fully that the Servant she summoned would be unfortunately weakened due to being unfit for the class.

Still, all she needed was a man who could hold off the intruders who would definitely come to stop her plans.

And so, despite the goofy-looking Oriental man in a nondescript blue shirt and brown pants she summoned attempting to talk to her, she simply curtly ordered him to defend the gates and left to continue her plans.


Saber stilled as she walked towards the gates of Ryudou Temple.

There was a Servant here. She could sense it. Not just Caster, who was presumably holed up in the temple itself, but someone much closer.

Near the gates, in fact.

"Stay behind me, Shirou!" she said, moving towards the gates and spying the...rather dejected person sitting on the stairs, seemingly doodling with his finger on the sand.

That was the Servant she was sensing, she was sure of it.

"Servant!" she spoke imperiously, "I am going to pass those gates and find Caster. Do you seek to stop me?"

The man's head shot up, and she could see him staring at her with a slight blush. "Hello!" he chirped, seemingly exuberant for a second. Then, her question dawned on him. "Ah...Caster? You mean woman with blue hair, and really pretty? Scary magic witch? Lives on the temple?"

Saber paused. This was new information on her foe, although she really didn't see how it would help. Knowing that Caster was good-looking in the eyes of this man was irrelevant. "Yes."

"Oh! Are you her friend?"

Friendship? With a demon witch who fed on the souls of innocents? Saber could not allow him to labour under that misapprehension.

"No." she ground out. "I am going to kill her."

This had him shocked. "Kill her? No, no, you can't kill her! If she die, then I die! I don't want to die!"

"You die? Then...are you under her control?"

He seemed embarrassed, and perhaps unwilling to admit it, but his lack of denial confirmed it for Saber.

"Then, Servant, prepare to die yourself." With an audible schwing, Excalibur cloaked in invisible air was drawn from her scabbard.

The man still didn't seem to comprehend the situation he was in, and stared at her with slightly widened eyes.

Very well then, Saber thought grimly. She would make him understand it.

In a fraction of a second, she was in front of him. In another fraction, she swung. Her swordsmanship was unparalleled. Her skill and strength were unquestioned. Even most Servants would have been unable to match her speed, her efficiency of movement and her technique.

And yet when the dust cleared, Saber knew she had missed. And now the Servant, wide-eyed and gasping, had dodged her blow and was two steps away. "Please!" he said, holding out a hand imploringly. "I don't want no trouble!"


Saber was quickly growing annoyed. The fight, such as it was, had become little more than a farce; the man seemingly dodged every blow of hers by absolutely narrow margins – sometimes she missed him by an inch, sometimes she caught his clothes instead, sometimes he panicked and dodged erratically – always trying to reassure her that he 'wanted no trouble'.

"Curse you, stand and fight!" she roared, even as her stab landed squarely between the man's legs, an inch below his...private parts. With a deep look of relief at the narrow dodge, he rolled away again... and this time came right at her with a punch.

This was absurdly easy for her to block, and she simply caught it on the flat of her magically reinforced blade – which caused the man to stagger backwards, holding his fist and making an expression of deep pain.

"Ow ow ow ow!" he cried, waving his hands around. "It hurts!"

Was this really the Servant Assassin? "Draw your weapon, jester." she said. "At least try to fight like a man should."

"Weapon! Ah! I need a weapon!" Assassin cried, even as he cartwheeled to narrowly avoid her next slash.

And then, with shimmering magic, Saber watched with bated breath as two objects appeared in his hands...and then nearly collapsed anticlimactically as they turned out to be a pair of wooden shoes.

Immediately, Assassin began blocking her blows with them – and unsurprisingly, her sword cleaved them in half. This caused him to resort to jumping away and beginning to toss a large number of objects at her – shoes, billiard cues, even a candleholder – and she batted them all away, growing increasingly more irate all the while.

Finally, a large object appeared in his hand...and Shirou and Saber soon discovered that this was simply...an iron stepladder.

It was too much for her to take. With a vengeful cry, she swung at him, fiercer than she had ever before.

And yet this time...

He dodged, her sword seemingly getting trapped between two of the rungs of the ladder, that Assassin twisted around at an angle to pin her hand down. With his free hand, he reached over through the gaps in the ladder, smiled at her... and punched her square in the nose.

"Peekaboo!" he said, grinning. "I don't like hitting beautiful lady, please!"


Surprisingly, the fight (if it could be called that) was resolved unexpectedly, when Shirou had thought to question Assassin as to why he was shielding a woman who was killing innocents. (Saber, meanwhile was finding herself blocked by a table that had spontaneously appeared while what looked like a priceless Ming Dynasty vase rocked perilously on top of it, with Assassin trying to stop it from shattering while simultaneously dodging her)

This had brought a serious face to the man, who seemed like he had genuinely not known the deeds of his Master, and he agreed to allow them in to face Caster.

And yet what they had assumed would be an easy contest turned into a deadly one, when Caster's Master, a bespectacled school teacher, turned out to be an expert martial artist who nearly caved Saber's throat in with one of his magically-empowered strikes.

It was at this juncture that Assassin appeared again. "Please! I'll take care of him!"

"You?" coughed Saber, still gasping from the brief exchange.

"I am expert in martial arts!" boasted Assassin, swinging a picture frame wildly.

Saber had doubted it then.

She doubted it even more now, as Kuzuki connected with a fifth blow in a row after a rapid fire exchange, leaving Assassin bent over and clutching his torso in pain. With a grunt, she grasped her sword and prepared to step forward again.

Only to hear giggles emanating from Assassin's collapsed form.

Both she and Kuzuki paused, unsure.

Assassin lurched to his feet, a wide grin on his face, body swaying unsteadily. In his hand he clutched a gourd, which was now nearly empty and dripping what appeared to be a strong alcohol.

"Time for...round two!" said Assassin cheerily, tossing the gourd at Kuzuki and stumbling towards him.

The man struck, quickly and efficiently – but this time...Assassin dodged. He bent nearly double backwards, still with a ear-splitting grin, and hiccuped.

And then, he went on the attack.

Each swing of Kuzuki's was dodged. Each blow left him overextended, allowing the suddenly flexible Assassin to retaliate, sometimes by poking the man in the eye, sometimes by kicking him in the shin. Each exchange now left Kuzuki unsure, unaware of how to counter this particular style of Assassin's.

"Drunken Miss Ho!" winked Assassin, settling himself into a parody posture that vaguely resembled a young woman with a parasol flirting with Kuzuki.

His stoicism failing, Kuzuki glowered and struck once more.

This time..the counter was far more brutal. Assassins's hands found themselves at Kuzuki's...nether region...and the scream Saber heard was one she would remember for a long, long time.

"Who...who are you?" asked Shirou, legs crossed and wincing in phantom pain.

"I told you!" grinned the obviously drunk Assassin. "Jackie don't want no trouble!"


Who's next ?YOU DECIDE !
I will only use characters you have suggested in your reviews for all my oneshots ! So please, go ahead, review and suggest !~


Class: Assassin

Master: Caster

True Name: Jackie Chan

Titles: -

Sex: Male

Height/Weight: 174cm/86kg

Alignment: Chaotic Good

Strength:C

Endurance: C

Agility: B

Mana: D

Luck: C

Noble Phantasm: B

Class Skills-

Presence Concealment - D

The ability to hide away from prying eyes. Servants with high enough ranks will be completely undetectable.

Assassin has served undercover on occasion, but he is not truly talented at this. In fact, he often gives himself away through some combination of circumstances. If not for the corruption of the grail, he could not be summoned in Assassin class.

Personal Skills-

Martial Artist- A

The knowledge of, and expertise in, martial arts.

Assassin is an extensively skilled martial artist capable of holding his own against most Servants. He is not, however, someone whose life is focused only around martial arts, and does have people who are better than him - but he is certainly far more skilled than 99% of the population.

Eye of the Mind (True)- A

The ability to calmly analyze battle situations. As long as there is even 1% chance of victory, battles can be won.

Assassin has survived numerous, numerous fights during his lifetime against vastly superior opponents who either outnumber him or have better weaponry. As long as there is a way to win the fight, he will find it.

Noble Phantasms-

Improvised Kung-Fu "Whatever Comes to Hand":C

Assassin's specialty is in using whatever objects he can find with complete skill, even if they are not weapons. Even if he picks up a random household item, he can wield it as proficiently as to match a person wielding a traditional weapon they have practiced with. Also allows him to summon any random objects he has used in the past.

Drunken Boxing "Wong-Fei Hung the Troublemaker:B

If a particular contemporary of Assassin's can be credited for popularizing martial arts to the wider world, Assassin popularized one specific martial art through his endeavours - that of Drunken Boxing. Allows Assassin to carry a gourd of strong alcohol that he can consume, which lets him use Drunken Boxing, making him at his absolute strongest in a martial arts contest.