Disclaimer: Not mines, don't sue.
A/N: Kinda surprised no one made a parody fic on Gordie/Chris slash since it's, like, the only slash pairing on here that has the most fics. I seek not to offend, only to amuse myself. Let's see if you can spot all the clichés.
It has been years since the boys had went on their incredible journey to find Ray Brower's body and things were going along fine for the most, except for one thing.
You see, recently best friends Gordie Lachance and Chris Chambers have discovered that there appears to be some kind of… heat between them; tension between them, if you will. As they were now fifteen/sixteen/seventeen/eighteen years old and in high school, they spent an awful lot of time studying together and doing homework. Since Gordie's parents didn't like having Chris in their house, Chris would sneak into Gordie's house by climbing up to Gordie's window where the other boy would let him in and they would do their homework. They would work and study for most of the night until they had enough and Chris would sleep over at Gordie's house. In Gordie's bed with him. Both boys wearing nothing but their tightey-whiteys.
Why, yes, this is perfectly normal behavior for two teenage boys.
On this one night, after just finishing up their science homework, both boys were chilling in Gordie's room for a while until Chris spoke up.
"Yeah Chris?" Gordie asked, looking at Chris with his soft brown doe eyes (In a law that Gordie's eyes must be described as doe-like at least once in a Stand By Me fanfic). Chris looked at Gordie with his blue eyes. As the bluest blue eyed boy in Castle Rock, Chris' blue eyes were a crystallized blue sky oceanic Pacific Atlantic Indian Southern Arctic blue that sparkled in the sunlight and starlight and shine like Sapphires.
Sapphires cuz they're blue. Did I mention that Chris' eyes were blue (unless the author changes to green or hazel)? Ever notice how everybody makes a big deal about Chris' eyes but not Vern's even though he has blue eyes too?
"Wanna go for a swim at the river?" Gordie looked down in embarrassment.
"Nah, every time we go swimming, I get self conscious about my body…" Gordie trailed off. Gordie said this because he was secretly jealous of Chris' body. You see, Chris had a lean perfectly chiseled underwear model muscular-type body that he had somehow acquired despite it being implied that Chris has never once went to a gym or do a workout a day in his life. I guess all those ass kicking he gets from his father, brother, and Ace did wonders for his physique. Whereas Gordie had a really skinny lanky-type body even though he's not anorexic or severely ill.
The author is mostly likely mentioning this to subtly point out who will be the Uke and who will be the Seme in this relationship.
"Okay." Chris simply replied. There was a silence between them before Chris spoke again. "Hey Gordo, why do you think we're such good friends?"
Gordie thought about this, then merely shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't know," Gordie answered as truthfully as he could. "We just are." Chris just nodded his head at this before speaking again.
"Yeah, but we spent a lot of time together with each other." Apparently Gordie and Chris have no other friends except each other (and sometimes Teddy and Vern if the author feels like using them); not even someone they just shoot the breeze with. "And guys our age have girlfriends by now… and we don't."
"I guess. Wait, are you saying you're looking for a girlfriend now or something?" Gordie asked him as Chris shrugged. "I'm surprised you don't have a girlfriend by now, since you have your own groupies." Gordie chuckled at this. You see, ever since starting high school, Chris has found himself being stalked-er I mean hounded- er, wait wait, I mean followed around by groups of girls. The female population of the school views Chris Chambers as some kind of heartthrob/eye candy/sex god. All the girls want to be wrapped around his thick muscular arms and run their fingers through his blond hair (which is now long) and kiss his soft lips. They even have an "I Love Chris Chambers" club where they discussed such topics such as "What is it about Chris that makes you like him, out of all the other guys?" and "How good he would be in bed?" and "How big do you think his dick is?"
This made Gordie a little jealous. It also made Meadow, Gordie's and Chris' OC best friend who they had known for years even though we never heard of her until just now, jealous for you see, she has a secret crush on Chris that only Gordie suspects/knows about (See A Generic Chris/Best Friend OC Fic for more), but that's a different story for another time.
"No, but that's my point though. We aren't looking at girls. We don't...seem to care." Chris explained to him.
"Yeah," Gordie replied, "I guess you're right, but why is that?"
"I don't know. I guess it's because we already feel happier together than we could with any girls. And if that's so, I guess we oughta...do something about that." Chris told Gordie, looking him dead in the eye.
"L-Like what?" Gordie asked barely above a whispered.
"Like this." And with that, Chris leaned forward and captured Gordie's lips in a kiss. This totally freaked Gordie out, though he made no attempt to push Chris off him or even knee him in the balls for doing this. After a few seconds, Chris pulled back and saw that Gordie was just sitting there with a shocked expression. Chris then immediately regretted what he had done.
"I'm sorry!" Chris spat as tears filled his eyes. "You hate me now, don't you?"
"Chris…" Gordie said.
"No, I'm sorry!" Chris insisted, "I shouldn't have done that, and you hate me now, don't you?" Chris feared that he just ruined his friendship with Gordie, which he couldn't bear to lose. Because like I said earlier, Gordie and Chris have no other friends besides each other (Who the hell are Teddy and Vern?)
"Chris, I could never hate you, you're my best friend." Then Gordie blushed at what he said next. "And besides, I kinda like it."
Hope flared up in Chris' eyes.
"For the past couple of days, I found myself getting strange feelings in my stomach. At first, I thought it was because of Vern's Twinkies, Pez, and Root Beer milkshake, but now that I think about it, I think it's feeling of… love. I love you!"
"Oh Gordie!" Chris exclaimed as he wrapped his arms around Gordie's slender frame. "Gordie, I love you too! I think I've been developing these feelings for you for the past couple of years! You have no idea how hard it's been trying to get you to fall in love with me, or even start liking me back."
Both boys smiled at each other, then kissed again, this time longer and more passionately. Their tongues began to battle for supremacy. The makeout session eliminated the awkwardness if nothing else. Finally their lips parted.
"So, are we boyfriends now?" Chris asked him.
"Uh, well, I…" Gordie trailed off a bit. "Give me a second." Gordie then left his room, walked into the bathroom, and splashed some water on his face. When he looked up into the mirror, he saw Chris standing behind him, staring at him. "Chris? Wha-?"
Then Chris grabbed Gordie by the shoulders, pushed him against the wall, and crashed his mouth onto the other boys so hard and long that they both had trouble breathing for a while. And then Chris punched Gordie in the face.
"Chris, what the fuck?!" Gordie demanded as he rubbed his sore and throbbing cheek.
"Well, when you didn't answer, I thought we were going to do the whole '10 chapters of drawn out melodrama and angst about how we both want to be together, but we can't because we're terrified that the whole town will kick us out, that our dads will kill us, and Ace will want our heads on a pike, so we fight for a bit but then we say fuck it, because we decide any future we have with each other is better than a future without the other' thing." Chris explained, using numbers instead of speech brackets.
"Oh, well… let's just skip all that then."
"Really? I don't have to steal my dad's crappy truck to give us a ride out?"
"Oh, good, I guess that means I won't have to show you any of my sappy love letters and love poems." Chris breathed a sigh of relief.
"You write love letters and poems?" Gordie asked Chris surprised. Chris' cheeks redden a bit.
"Yeah, I was going to slip them into your locker at school, but since we're skipping all that…"
"Can I read them?" Gordie asked earnestly.
"Sure, I have them in my backpack, I'll show you." And with that, both boys went back to Gordie's room. When they got there, they saw a strange girl standing in the room looking at them.
"Who are you?" Gordie asked her.
"Hi, I'm Olivia Carrington. You can call me OC for short." She told them as she handed them a card. "And I'm here to be one of you guy's girlfriend. So, who's the lucky guy?" Both boys looked at each other and then looked at her, grabbing each other's hands.
"Sorry, but we're already together." Gordie explained to her. OC's eyes just widen.
"Really? So you guys are skipping…"
"Yep." Chris replied.
"Oh, okay, I guess I'll just hook up with Teddy or something…" OC said as she started to leave.
"What? Really? You wanted to date one of us, but now you're just going to leave us be and hook up with Teddy?" Gordie asked her because he was confused by what just happen. OC just smiled and nodded.
"Yep. My job is to serve as a Beard to one of you guys, date one of you to make the other jealous, and/or have a one night stand with Chris that will cause a strain on your relationship that will almost destroy your friendship. My job is to add drama." With that, OC left. And just as the boys were about to be alone, they had a knock at the door. Gordie opens it, and they see…
"Teddy! Vern!" Gordie exclaimed with glee. Yep, it's their old buddies Teddy and Vern! Over the years, Vern had lost a lot of his baby fat and now a lean muscular football player jock-like body and a slim face where you can still see bits of the old twelve year old Vern. Who knew sitting around eating junk food and watching Saturday Morning Cartoons would do wonders for Vern's physique? Teddy still looked exactly the same; only difference was that his voice had deepened.
"Oops, Vern, I think we walked in too early. We were supposed to walk in on them as they were kissing. Sorry about that." And with that, they both left, leaving Gordie and Chris confused.
"What the fuck just happened?" Chris asked out loud, but before Gordie could answer, someone else walked through the door.
"Wait until Ace gets a load of thi-! Oh, shit, I came in too early." The person was none of than Eyeball Chambers, Chris' older brother, who quickly left just as he had entered.
"Gordo, I'm starting to think you need to get a lock on your door." Chris commented. "Well, here are my letters and poems." Chris rummaged around in his backpack before he got his letters and poems. Both boys then sat on Gordie's bed as Gordie read Chris' chicken scratch.
"Wow, Chris, these are really corny." Gordie laughed.
"Yeah, just be glad we're skipping all that." Chris said. "So, Gordie, do you want to… if you don't its okay, I was just…"
"Want to what?" Gordie asked him.
"Do you want to have sex with me?"
"Uh…" Gordie was taken aback by this. "Don't you think it's too early? We haven't even gone on our first real date or anything."
"I know, but since we're doing a lot of skipping, let's just skip to that part." Chris explained.
"Okay." And with that, both boys started kissing each other, their hands roaming each other bodies. As they were doing this, they started taking off each other's shirts and pants till they were in their underwear. Then they stripped off their underwear and we're now naked.
"This is going to hurt. A lot." Chris explained, and then went right on in there.
Yep, no lube, not even preparing Gordie with the ol' spit n' fingers, just goes right on in there.
"Does it hurt?" Chris asked concerned, since he considered Gordie to be some kind of precious, sacred thing that can never be hurt.
"Yeah, but now it doesn't anymore." Gordie explained. Then they continued doing it until they reached their climax. They broke apart and panted to catch their breaths. Then looked at each other and smiled.
"I love you Gordie."
"I love you too Chris."