Disclaimer: I don't own any characters in this fanfic.

Warnings: This fanfic includes sexual situations involving two men, and language. If either of these offend you, please click the back button now. Yaoi, Lime, and profanfity. You have been warned.

What's up everybody? Okay, so this is just a one-shot that actually started with a conversation I had with my bother about the game tic-tac-toe. It was so funny I had to write it down, and ended up wanting to use it in a story. So this is a product of mine and my brother's weirdness. I would say that this is slightly AU. They are still in the original concept of the story, the only difference is that Light didn't kill L, L just took Light's Death Note away, and is keeping him under surveillance. The characters might be slightly OOC, although I tried to get them close. Other than that, everything is pretty much the same. I hope you all will enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. It is my great pleasure to introduce Exes and Ohs…now go read!

Exes and Ohs

"To go insane, or not to go insane: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd."

Wait…what the fuck am I saying? I don't want to die. Dying wouldn't fix my problems. No, I'm not the person who needs to die, I'm the person who is supposed to make others die…and therein lies the problem: I'm not killing those who are supposed to die…why is that exactly? Oh…that's right, someone took my Death Note from me!

And that, ladies and gentlemen is the reason why Light Yagami is currently laying on a couch in a therapist's office, waiting for his shrink to arrive and supposedly drive the madness from his mind.

Just as Light's mind started another round of the "Oh Whoa is Me's" the office door opened, and the Dr. walked in, complete with a white dr.'s coat and holding a bright neon green clipboard in one hand, and a pen in the other.

"Good afternoon Light, what seems to be the problem today?"

"L, for god sake, you know what the problem is, cut the crap and give me back my damn notebook!" Light grumped.

"Dr. Ryuzaki if you please." L sauntered over to his chair that was beside the couch Light was currently slumped on. He perched precariously on the leather, with his clipboard resting on his knees that were drawn up to his chin.

"Now Light, you said that I should give you back your notebook. Why is that Light?" L looked pointedly at his patient as he asked his question. Light gave him an irritated look that clearly asked 'why the fuck are you wasting my time asking dumb questions?'

"Oh Light humor me…it's not like it's going to kill you, you never know, it might even help." L coaxed. Light rolled his eyes, but with a heavy sigh, grudgingly conceded.

"I need the notebook to complete my goals." L gave a small smile in approval.

"Right, your goals to rid the world of crime and evil, is that correct?" After receiving a nod in confirmation, he continued.

"Why don't you start from the beginning, and tell me what's really bothering you?" L reached over into a bowl of candy that was sitting on a nearby table, and plopped a gumdrop into his mouth. Light watched him chew his sweet for a moment before giving in, and relaxing on the comfortable couch.

"Well, it all started one day when I was at school. I noticed an object fall from the sky, so naturally after class was over; I went to investigate what it was that had fallen. It was a black leather notebook with the words 'Death Note' on the front cover. Initially I thought it was someone's idea of a prank and didn't think much of it, but then I went home and tested it-"

"And you found out it actually had the power to kill people. Then you became Kira, graduated college, joined the task force, tried to kill me, faked a relationship with Misa Amane, and alerted myself to the existence of Shinogami…thankfully not all in the same day. But yes, I am well aware of what has transpired in your life since you found the notebook." L interrupted while writing something down on the pieces of paper he had on his clipboard. Light blinked a few times, and then narrowed his eyes at the detective/physiatrist.

"If you already knew all that then why did you ask me to start at the beginning?" L stopped writing, and glanced at his patient.

"Forgive me Light, I guess I just assumed you would have understood I meant from the beginning of your time away from the notebook…not the very beginning of this investigation. Not that I wouldn't want to hear all about it, however we only have thirty minutes to get to the bottom of your problems and the list is long." L explained while placing another gumdrop lovingly between his surprisingly white, straight teeth. Light frowned at L's response.

"I was under the impression doctors were not allowed to mock their patients."

"I'm not mocking you Light; I'm simply stating factual information." Light was to perturbed to notice the slight gleam in his doctor's eye… anyone who didn't know L would have sworn it was humor.

"Fine then, you want to hear about my problems? Let's get started." Light sat for a moment thinking about what order he wanted his words to come out in. Meanwhile, L sat perched with his pen at the ready to write down anything and everything his patient had to say. Unfortunately what started to flow from Light's mouth wasn't exactly what L had had in mind at all.

"L, I think your treatment of this situation has been entirely unfair. You speak of justice, yet you fail to see that that is exactly what I am delivering to this world we call home." L stopped writing, and rolled his eyes as he listened to Light rant.

"Crime happens everywhere every day, and our current 'justice' system doesn't take care of things the way the need to be taken care of. If you would just take the time to understand my plan, then I'm sure a mind like yours couldn't possible deny that my way is the right way. Think about it L, a world free of crime. It would truly be a world worth living in." He paused to see if L had any response. L, noticing the silence, looked up from his clipboard to see Light's expectant gaze. Suddenly remembering his role, L quickly asked,

"…And, how do you feel about that?" Light shrugged slightly, knowing L already knew the answer, but he had chosen to go along with this so called 'therapy' though in his mind, he wasn't the one in need of it.

"I feel as though Kira could make that world attainable for all pure hearted citizens. The only drawback that I perceive would be the fact that you would be out of a job." He smirked up at his doctor who appeared to be writing furiously on his clipboard. L looked up with is normal dead stare and stated,

"Yes…I can see where that might be a problem." Laughing lightly, Light once again returned his stare to the celling. Suddenly remembering something, he started speaking again.

"I need you to give me back my death note, because I truly believe that you and I could share this perfect new world together. Two minds of our caliber should find ruling the world to be a piece of cake…no pun intended…wouldn't you agree?"

"Mmm, cake." L mindlessly licked his lips at the thought. Light sighed in exasperation.

"L, I need the notebook back for other reasons too. Recently I have um…I seem to be um…suffering from some very unusual withdrawal symptoms." Light lay there twiddling his thumbs against his chest, waiting for a sign he'd been heard. When receiving none, he turned to question the detective who still had his nose in that damn clipboard.

"Are you even listening to me?" Without looking up L replied in a distracted tone.

"Yes, yes, of course I'm listening to you Light." Not convinced, Light sat up, and in one fluid motion, he grabbed the clipboard from L's nimble fingers.

"I knew it! You aren't paying any attention to me at all." Light accused.

"Of course I am." L argued making a reach for his clipboard only to have Light pull it out of his reach.

"How is a game of tic-tac-toe relative to my therapy?" Light questioned mockingly. Finally seizing the board back, L turned the board around for Light to see.

"It is not a game of tic-tac-toe. It is a diagram of your life Light."

"What are you talking about?" The look L was receiving from Light clearly stated that the boy thought him crazy.

"Here, look. The ex's symbolize the bad times and decisions you've made. The o's symbolize the good times and decisions you have made." L explained, looking rather pleased with himself.

"What's the line down the middle of the ex's stand for?" Light asked. L's happy gleam faded. He paused for a second, thinking.

"That…that is a wall." He claimed. Light looked up at him unbelieving.

"A wall. What is the wall for?"

"…Well you see, the right side of the wall represents all the land that…if things go your way…will all be yours someday." Light raised an eyebrow as he studied the 'diagram'.

"What's that shadowy place to left of the wall?" L became serious in an instant, his voice becoming ominous.

"That's beyond our borders. You must never go there Light." Said patient scratched his head.

"I still don't understand how that's a diagram of my life." Desperate for a change of subject, L threw the clipboard over his shoulder, flinching slightly when he heard it clatter against the floor behind him.

"Enough about my diagram. Now, you were talking about withdrawal symptoms before, would you care to elaborate?" Slightly surprised at the abrupt coloring of Light's cheeks, L was very happy with his choice of subjects. Having the opportunity to see Light flustered was a rare occurrence.

"There really isn't much to elaborate on." L's eyes zeroed in on Light's stiff posture and purposely averted eyes. From his reactions, L figured that whatever Light was hiding was sure to be a goldmine.

"Well, what kind of withdrawal symptoms have you been experiencing? Does your body get all twisted? Do you do handstands?" L coaxed. Light rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"No, that's Ryuk when he's gone too long without apples." L tried again.

"Well, do you have similar symptoms to Ryuk's?" Light's discomfort returned.

"Not…not exactly." Inwardly sighing, L had had enough.

"Light, quite beating around the bush and tell me what kind of symptoms you are experiencing." Light blushed harshly, and turned to look away from his doctor.

"Well, it seems that since I've been without my notebook, my coughsexualneedcough has drastically increased." L blinked, trying to sort out what his patient had just said. After a few seconds L decided it would be better to ask again rather than decode the jumbled words.

"I'm sorry, your 'what' has drastically increased?" Glaring at the man claiming to be his doctor, Light repeated loudly,

"My sexual need okay!?" Taking in a surprised gasp, L found himself staring at Light.

"As in terms of…arousal?"

"Yes in arousal. I'm finding myself hard several times a day and for no apparent reason…not to mention the smallest things are able to turn me on. It's ridiculous!" L continued to stare, unconsciously bringing his thumb to rest between his teeth.

"And how, exactly, have you been dealing with your…'problem' up until now?" Light narrowed his eyes.

"The 'normal' way. How else am I supposed to fix it?" L wasn't happy with that answer.

"Did you relieve yourself through physical contact?"

"Are you asking me if I jacked myself off under all this damn surveillance?" Light's tone unbelieving. L fired away another guess.

"Cold shower? Or maybe you masturbated while taking a shower." Light's face was that of a disturbed man.

"Why does that matter? Let's just forget all about it, okay?" Light folded his arms over his chest and glowered at the plain white wall of the office.

"Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what you're so upset about Light. I can think of many things much worse than an unruly penis." Light's mouth dropped open at that statement. He wasn't sure what he was more appalled at…the fact that L was writing his problem off as 'little'…or the reaction his body was having to the fact that L had said penis. Chancing a glance down to his lap, Light had to restrain himself from quickly crossing his legs.

Oh Shit!

L wasn't considered the greatest detective in the world for nothing. He won most of his cases because he was able to see the little details others failed to find. L's eyes immediately picked up on the change in his patient. Light's discomfort had risen by at least 20% just within the last 45 seconds. L just had to find the trigger. His mind played back the last few minutes in his mind, and quickly deduced a culprit. L slipped off the chair, with about as much grace as L is capable of, and slowly made his way over to the edge of the couch. He crouched down so he was staring up at Light…who was trying desperately to ignore the strange insomniac.

"Light, you mentioned before that you got aroused by the smallest of triggers. Does that still apply to your body?" Light nearly choked on the oxygen.

"What-why would you ask something like that?" Light's face couldn't get any redder even if he dumped a bottle of ketchup on his head. He refused to let L know how uncomfortable he was making him, so instead of crossing his legs to hide the…rather obvious-by-now bulge in his pants, he simply clamped his legs together; his posture rigid.

"I am your therapist; it is my job to pry about the personal information in your life." L calmly explained, inching his way closer to his distraught patient.

"I don't think the answer to that question would help us solve the matter." Light replied.

"On the contrary Light. If I am to make the proper assessment of your condition, I need to know all the factors involved." By now L was sitting directly in front of Light's knees.

"Couldn't we come back to that factor later?" Light pleaded. His eyes widened as L placed his hands on Light's knees, but didn't give any other sort of reaction.

"No." With that, L quickly forced Light's legs apart, spreading them as wide as he could get them within the parameters of Light's awkward posture; only to be confronted with the pillow Light had just stuffed in his lap. L's dead gaze looked up at Light's mortified expression.

"Come, come Light; we're both men here. There's no need to be shy."

"I'm not shy. I'm just concerned as to why you are so desperate to get into my pants." L grabbed the pillow in an attempt to remove said obstacle, however Light held tight to his shield.

"I told you before. I simply want to assess your condition. You came to me for help; I am just doing my job as your doctor." His words were hindered slightly from the intense game of tug-of-war that was currently going on where the pillow was concerned.

"You forced me to come to this therapy session! I never willingly came to you for any sort of help!" Light disagreed.

"Light you are being ridiculous! Doctors see their patients naked all the time!" Tug.

"You are not my doctor!" Pull.

"For today I am!" Tug.

"I want my lawyer!" Pull.

"Are you saying you would allow your lawyer to see you naked?" Tug.

"Screw you Doc.!" RIP…! Just like that, snowflakes of downy goodness littered the once tidy office. L and Light stared down at the ripped pillow for a few seconds. L sensing victory…Light planning his escape route.

"Look at the mess you made. Now, are you going to cooperate with your doctor, or am I going to have to reinstate the handcuffs?" In Light's eyes shone disbelief.

"You wouldn't!?"

"Oh believe me, I would." L's smirk was pure evil. Light stared at his torturer for a few minutes. Finally, he threw his hands up with a mournful cry; surrendering to his doctor's wicked ways. Light slumped on the couch, arms thrown tightly over his eyes. Inwardly L laughed at Light's theatrics. Once again, he spread Light's khaki clad legs, this time the tent was very visible.

Without much thought, L placed his hand over the heated bulge, rubbing gently. A small whimper could be heard from Light's still covered face. L moved to sit beside Light on the couch, keeping the rhythm and pressure steady on Light's groin. After a few minutes, L intensified the pressure in his hand, pushing down as he rubbed; earning a soft moan from his patient. L leaned forward so his lips were next to Light's ear. Light's heart beat was fluttering like a humming bird and his breath was coming in gasps. L's breath on his ear and neck sent shivers down his spine.

"Does that feel good Light?" The words purred into Light's ear. Light barely managed a nod as an answer. He groaned as he felt the tip of a hot tongue move along the curve of his ear before moving down to gently suck at the hollow spot behind his earlobe.

L's nimble fingers worked the front of Light's pants loose, dipping his hand inside to firmly grasp the dripping appendage; stroking from bass to head.

"F-fuck!" Light couldn't stop his moan of sheer pleasure. His arms had long ago fallen from his face, now gripping the couch underneath him. His head lay at an angle, giving L's lips ample room to work.

L moved back to his place on the floor between Light's legs. He took hold of Light's pants and boxers and pulled them down and off. L took a minute to admire the boy in front of him. Beautifully tanned skin stretched taught over lightly muscled thighs and calves. L licked his lips as his eyes found Light's nicely shaped cock standing strait at attention; pearly droplets of precum gathered on his rosy head, dripping down an equally tanned, well sized shaft, to rest upon his two perfectly rounded balls. Light Yagami was certainly a creature to behold.

L looked up into half-lidded amber eyes filled with pleasure, and a panting mouth left slightly open. L nearly creamed his pants at the sight. L gripped Light's shaft once again, pumping him slowly, earning another pleasure filled moan. His eyes were transfixed as one of those pearly drops began to slide downward. Leaning forward, L's tongue flicked out to catch the droplet, tasting Light's salty flavor. Deciding he liked it, L ran his tongue along the length of Light's cock, sending bolts of electrifying pleasure all throughout Light's body. Just as he was about to take Light fully into his warm, inviting mouth, he felt a hand on his head stop his actions. Looking up, he saw uncertainty written in Light's eyes.

"What…what are you…?" Light panted. L smirked before removing Light's hand from his head.

"Don't worry Light; I'm just going to collect some samples for further inspection." Not bothering to wait for Light's okay, L took Light's head into his mouth, sucking and licking the sweet droplets of moisture off in the process. Light's hand was immediately back on L's head, but not to prevent him this time. No, Light's fingers threaded though L's thick, messy black locks, gently pushing L's mouth further down onto his cock. L's hand quickly undid his own pants, and started stroking his agonizingly hard cock in time with Light's.

Light was in utter bliss. He'd thought L's hand felt good…but his mouth was a night and day difference. Light's hips thrust up eagerly into L's willing mouth, keeping time with L's bobbing head. L's unoccupied hand found its way to Light's heavy balls, squeezing gently as he sucked. Light had no idea where this man got his oral skills, but he had to admit that this was the best fucking blowjob he had had in his entire life.

L could feel himself nearing completion, increased the tempo of his suction on Light to match his own jerking.

"Oh fuck L...I'm gonna cum…Oh god I'm cuming!" Without any warning of any sort, L swallowed Light whole in one movement. Light's hips jerked, and finally all the warmth that had been pooling in his belly shot out in long, white, sticky streams. L swallowed all Light had to offer. Pulling his mouth off, he stroked himself twice more before he too shot his load all over the front of the black leather couch.

Both of them were panting hard but fully sated. After a few minutes they both came down off of their after-orgasm high's. They looked at each other, then reached for the tissue box. After they had cleaned themselves off and put their pants back on, L cleared his throat.

"Well Light, the good news is, there is a cure to what ails you…there's just one problem." Light wearily glanced at his 'doctor'.

"And what that Dr. Ryuzaki?" L picked up his clipboard and pen before turning to look at Light.

"It can't be bottled. I'm afraid you will have to come back for weekly visits until further notice." L walked over to the door and opened it. He turned once again to smirk at his paling patient.

"Good day Mr. Yagami, I look forward to seeing you next week." With that, Dr. Ryuzaki shut the door behind him. Light stared at the door for a few seconds. This thoughts whirling with recent activities and his 'doctor's' orders. Suddenly thinking of something, he opened the door, peered his head out, and yelled,

"Can't I just have my notebook back?"

~Adu, Adu parting is such sweet sorrow~

~The End~

So, how'd you like it? I would love to hear from the readers, so please if you have time, there is a box at the bottom of the page where you can type out these things called REVIEWS! Authors eat these up, so don't be stingy please. In any case, thank you for reading! ^_^

1-Top of the page quote: The opening phrase of a soliloquy in William Shakespeare's play Hamlet. (First line altered to fit the story)

2- Bottom of page quote: From William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.