/ Just a quick one shot! /
/ Special request from a very special anon /
/ Enjoy! /
I feel myself sliding slowly back into that dark place in the back of my mind, I don't even know where it started.
It could be when I first stopped attending cheerleading practice or moments when my mind would think of nothing but her blonde hair and bright blue eyes;
it could have been the day I left Lima after "the break up". I really don't know how it started but I had been up to my neck in it before I had even realized.
"I feel..." I said to the big empty room, I could imagine a happier version of me sitting across the bed, looking at me sadly.
"Empty..." I said out loud and even my voice was monotonous; no life and no emotion.
"Empty..." I repeated, I lay on my couch in the middle of my single dorm, my right leg and arm draping over the couch and touching the ground, my left arm
high above my head and my left leg perched on the arm of the couch.
I had been lying here for god knows how long, trying, for the nth time, to find the will to get up and go to practice or even classes. I looked across the room at the bathroom door, wishing myself to get up and head over.
To my left was my computer and if I could make it there I can go online, do a little surfing or play a game; things I LIKE to do. I could even go on Skype and, just maybe, she'd be online and I could talk to her. But tell her what?
That this "unofficial break up" was one of the stupidest things I've ever done?
That I can't think of anything but her?
That I've been a mess ever since she walked out of that choir room?
My heart sank even further at the realization that none of it would have helped. I ruined it. I've hurt her so many times before but never quite like that, never this much.
I wanted to blame someone. Blame that damn "left-behind club" with that blonde 1000-year-old, evil bitch cheerleader Katty or whatever her name was, blame Glee club for keeping us busy, blame Sue for not telling me about Brittany's grades, blame Brittany for not graduating, and I especially wanted to blame Rachel Berry because I knew somehow, some way, Rachel Berry did something.
But if I think about it, there's really nobody to blame but myself. I let Brittany down, I left her in Ohio, I broke up with her. How stupid can I get? the song? the choir room? my little speech before singing? breaking up with the one girl who took my bullshit and embraced it? the only girl I ever loved? over what? 'Energy-Exchange?' I mean seriously? was I high? I let my insecurities hurt me and i let it...
I let it hurt Brittany...
Not knowing how much more I could take and being on the verge of tears, I started feeling restless. The emotions went by so fast it gave me whiplash, I was sad then angry then empty then miserable before doing a full circle back to being unbelievably sad.
I couldn't help but think that this wouldn't hurt this bad if I hadn't come back to do Grease, the way she looked and smiled at me took me back to the start;
back to square one. To top it all off she just had to touch me the way she always did, like I'm her everything. She just had to tell me how much she missed me and let me know that she wasn't dating anyone new.
And what did I do?
'What did you do, Santana?' I asked myself
I made it clear that it was okay if she did but that I liked that she wasn't. "I'm glad that you're not." I repeated myself, stupid idiot. I'm just making
this worse for both of us.
But when I was sang that god-forsaken song I couldn't think about anything aside from how perfect it was for our situation, I remember the one line that hit
home, the one line that had me looking straight into ocean blue eyes in front of hundreds of people. The same eyes that makes me forget anyone else.
"But to cry in front of you that's the worst thing I could do."
I sang to myself quietly, replaying the way she looked at me, the way I wanted to reach out and hold her like I used to or maybe kiss her or run my fingers through her hair and remembering how it felt to realize that I couldn't. That I shouldn't.
I placed both palms on my eyes and pushed in hard, "Get a grip! It's over! There's nothing else you can do."
'Do something, anything. Don't just lay there. It's pathetic.' The voice inside
me said. 'I need her help.'
The next thing I knew I had sent a text to Quinn Fabray
- Preggers? -
- Santana? -
I couldn't help but smile at how fast she replied, especially since I know she has that Nazi sorority thing around this time.
- Yeah. How are you? -
-I'm fine. What's going on? -
Sometimes, I swear this girl has sixth sense. I suddenly felt anxious, my heart started hammering in my chest and my hands got all sweaty.
- Nothing. Nvm. -
I replied quickly, chickening out.
- Santana. Are you okay? -
- San? -
I ignored her texts after that, 'I can't...' I mumbled quietly. I won't let Q see me like this, if I go to her now I'll look like a heartbroken idiot. 'Why didn't the world end yesterday like it was supposed to?' I thought bitterly.
The tears I've been fighting managed to escape and were making their merry way down my cheeks.
'Nobody cares for you now, you mean nothing without Brittany. She was the only one who cared and you've messed that up too.' I thought bitterly.
I was tired, tired of feeling empty, tired of being a shell of who I once was with Britt and honestly I was sick and tired of being alone. Suddenly, I heard
my phone blaring Mercedes' ringtone; I pressed the green icon before putting it to my ear.
"Santana..." Mercedes sounded like she had been crying.
"What's wrong, Wheezy? Are you okay?"
"It's Sam." She answered like an explanation, "what about him?" I asked,
confusion clouding my mind.
"Sam and Brittany are together. Confirmed."
I knew it would happen someday but I didn't think it would be this quickly. I couldn't accept it, I didn't really think Britt would replace me; let alone with my own ex-boyfriend I mean surely there's some kind of bro-code being broken here?
"Wh-" I didn't know what to say, why? What? When? What the fucking fuck you better be fucking kidding?
"They're together." She continued, I felt like this was some sort of out of body experience..
"Wait..." My voice had turned hoarse and low. "I didn't know the two of you were broken up." I added, I guess I figured since she was doing Grease that her and Sam were going strong but I guess not.
"That's what hurts." She says from the other line, it was obvious from her voice she was trying not to cry even more.
"What are you talking about?" I asked her, confusion was evident in my tone
"Before we broke up, Sam told me that he'll come back to me. That he just needed to be with his parents first. He promised me San, he promised and he broke it."
"I'm sorry Wheezy, I'm sure he'll... And Brittany will..." Will what?
"They're married." She answered quickly, emphasizing the word
"Tina told me. They've been lovey-dovey lately, even kissing near the lockers."
"The lockers?" my heart clenched at that, the lockers were OUR thing, it was our sacred happy place and she..
"Yeah and then Coach Bieste married them in some sort of ceremony inside the locker room." I heard Mercedes sniffle on the other line.
"That could be some crazy blonde thing."
"Blaine told me that Britt had an engagement ring and they had wedding bands."
"Santana, they stayed in Brittany's room for 4 days straight"
"I don't even want to think about it San."
"'Cedes. I..." I couldn't think, I couldn't speak. How could Brittany move on so
much, so fast
"I know. I'm sorry too."
After my conversation with Mercedes, I felt like I was in some kind of dream. Some sick, horrible, wake-up-screaming kind of nightmare.
I sat up on the couch and buried my face in my hands. I still couldn't wrap my head around it;
Brittany is with Sam. Sam and Brittany. They're together.
Brittany has moved on. I said it over and over again in my mind; I felt the hot tears start to well up and all I could do was to let them fall. I had to let them out. I have to cry and move on just like how Brittany moved on. Brittany is with someone else. Brittany who I broke up with. Brittany who was now kissing someone else or worse. Brittany, my Brittany.
"I've lost her..." I choked out, needing to say it out loud to force myself to understand. After a second, my phone started ringing and I immediately knew who it was, Mercedes must have called her after we had hung up.
"They're fucking married." I said as I put the phone to my ear.
"I have to stop this!"
"Because Brittany-" I stopped. Brittany, what?
"You told me she's back to being your bestfriend now."
"R-right. So I can't let her do this. I can't let her-" I drifted off again, I was about to say that I couldn't let her got but then I'll sound like a selfish bitch. I can't really expect Britt to hang around after breaking her heart. I can't and yet I did.
"The marriage was fake." Quinn said gently.
"Bieste isn't qualified to marry anyone. Puck told me."
After a second, realization set in and I feel like a weight was lifted off my heart "Oh thank God." I breathed.
"You have to let Brittany live her life and make her own mistakes. If I'm right and you guys are really meant to be together, she'll figure it out for herself."
"I know. It's just hard not being there for her. Y'know?"
Quinn didn't answer but I knew she was nodding, she understood my dynamic with Brittany like no one else could.
"Everything here reminds me of her, I have her duckie, her onesie, her campaign
poster and her dild-"
"Okay! I get it." Quinn interrupted and I let out a chuckle.
"Why don't you come with me? You have the weekend free, right?" She says so quickly that I barely had time to register what she was saying.
"To Yale? Um. No?"
"Not here. I'm going to New York this weekend and I have a pass with your name on it."
"Going to see Gay Berry?"
"Y-yeah. I am."
"That's all fine and dandy for you but what the hell am I gonna do there, Q?"
"Apply for NYADA." She says like it's the easiest thing in the world and I couldn't help the laugh that escaped.
"I'm serious! They're having auditions for next semester early."
I walked up to the rubber duck that sat on my desk and twirled it around my fingers, "I know I'm good but I'm not NYADA material, Quinn. Plus, I'm already here in Kentucky."
"Okay, a) You don't know that; and b) don't you even try to lie to me, Santana Lopez because we both know how miserable you are in Kentucky." she argued.
Quinn really was a true friend, she had so much faith in me and Britt especially after her little breakdown in New York. "Just try... I know you, you're New York material! Even LA material! We just gotta get your foot in the door."
I thought about it for a second when I heard a knock from the door. "Okay. Fine. I'll go. I have nothing better to do and nothing to lose, anyway." I answered her before standing up and walking to the front and opening the door.
I saw a flash of blonde hair before I was enveloped in a tight hug, "Great choice!" She beamed at me. "It would suck if you said no and I was already here
to pick you up!"
"You're crazy." I teased her, shaking my head and motioning for her to step inside.
"Get used to it because when you get into NYADA, which I know you will, you are gonna owe me for life." She said with a big proud smile on her face.
"It's IF I get in."
"I really meant to say WHEN. I know you can." She says without looking at me;
heading straight for the kitchen
I was quiet for a second, listening to whatever she was doing. I heard cabinets and drawers being opened and closed followed by the sound of my refrigerator being opened and closed lightly. Quinn came strolling back to the couch with a bag of chips, a bowl and a bottle of water in hand.
"Pack your things, we're going back to my place in 3 hours then from there we're headed for New York." She looks at me quickly before popping a chip into her mouth
"This is crazy."
"I know right?" She says with a smile and all I could do is smile and shake my
"Anything to forget." I whisper to myself.
"Anything to forget." She echoes me before turning on the TV.
"Anything to forget Brittany."
/ R&R guys! /
/ Thanks for reading/
/Now back to working on my other fic! /