Psyche and Tsugaru lived a wonderful and happy life. They were always together- seemingly inseparable. They took each other's warmth for granted, believing that the other would always be by their side. Until one day...
Tsugaru looked at the envelope with mixed emotions- excitement and despair. What was he going to tell Psyche?
"Tsu-chan, I'm home~!" Psyche sang and slammed the door shut behind him. He immediately jumped Tsugaru from behind and clinged to him. Quickly, Tsugaru hid the envelope in his sleeve.
"Welcome home, Psyche." He smiled, wrapping his arms around Psyche and kissing his lips briefly.
Psyche smiled into their loving kiss and said, "How was your day?"
"It was...good." Tsugaru avoided Psyche's gaze. He was nervous as hell. He had to tell him soon.
"Eh? Tsu-chan, what's wrong? Was your day bad? Did something happen?" Psyche questioned. His smile faded into a look of concern.
"Ah- it's nothing, love." The blonde forced a smile, but still avoided Psyche's eyes.
"Liiiiiiiiiaaaar~ Tell me!" Psyche pouted and crossed his arms.
"...Alright." Tsugaru gave in. He didn't like keeping things from his lover anyways. He gulped and withdrew the envelope from his sleeve. He hesitantly handed it over to Psyche, who stared at it curiously.
"...It's an envelope." Psyche held it in his hands and looked from Tsugaru to the envelope.
Tsugaru sighed. "Open it, Psyche."
Psyche rose a brow and opened the letter. He pulled out the papers inside and began to read them.
"I-I don't understand?" The pink clad man chuckled nervously.
"...I'm getting transferred. They want me to go overseas for a while." Tsugaru didn't dare look into Psyche's eyes. He was terrified. Psyche was so easily emotional, and he cried so easily- something was bound to happen.
"...How long?" Psyche's voice cracked as he spoke, making Tsugaru's heart fall.
"I don't know...It could be months. Years, even." The blonde admitted.
Psyche didn't reply. Instead, he clenched his fists and ran into their bedroom, locking the door as well. Tsugaru slumped onto their couch and sighed with grief.
"Psyche...I'm so sorry..."
Quiet sobs could be heard through the walls.
Psyche finally came out of their bedroom. It had been hours since he had gone in there. He looked over and saw that Tsugaru was on their couch fast asleep. Making his way to the kitchen quietly, so he didn't disturb Tsugaru, he noticed how clean it was. Looking over at their small, sweet dining table meant only for two, he saw two untouched plates of perfectly cooked food. The scene made Psyche feel guilty. He was only thinking of himself. It was obviously affecting Tsugaru as well...
He tiptoed back to the living room to find the sleeping man once again. As he gazed at Tsugaru, he noticed how red and puffy his eyes were. He had been crying, too..? Guilt started stabbing Psyche's heart. He didn't want Tsugaru to be upset. Psyche should have been happy that Tsugaru was needed for an important job! But instead, he only thought about himself. Psyche felt so selfish... He needed to lock away his feelings from now on and show his lover that it was going to be okay.
"Nn, Psyche?" Tsugaru sat up slowly, opening his eyes to find Psyche right next to him. The raven-haired man cupped his lover's cheek and smiled.
"Psyche, I'm so sorry.." Tsugaru whispered with remorse.
Psyche forced away his tears and reached down to grab Tsugaru's hand.
"No, it's okay, Tsu-chan. Really." He lied. It wasn't okay. Not at all. But he had to be strong for Tsugaru- had to hide his own feelings away. "Don't apologize."
"But..." Tsugaru sighed. "I'll quit my job if you don't want me to go..." Tsugaru pulled his lover into his lap and ran his fingers through the black locks. Psyche's eyes widened. Tsugaru loved his job! How could he say that so easily?
Because Tsugaru always put Psyche before everything else.
And that thought alone made Psyche feel like a useless wretch.
"No..." Psyche said desperately. "You can't do that! You've worked so hard for it... You can't just give it up!"
"But what about yo-"
"Don't...worry about me. Okay? I'll be fine. I'm always fine, ne?" Psyche forced a laugh and winced at how hollow it sounded.
"Psyche..." Tsugaru wrapped his arms around his love and pulled him close. "It's okay. Tell me how you feel.." He tried. Tsugaru really wanted to know how Psyche felt about it.
"I...No, I can't, Tsu-chan." Psyche pulled away gently and gave Tsugaru and sad smile. "Because if I do, then you'll quit your job and stay with me. And I don't wanna be the cause of something that makes you unhappy. So.. You're just gonna have to g-go...okay?" As Psyche finished speaking, tears rolled down his cheeks.
Tsugaru quickly wiped away the tears, although it was pointless, since more and more kept coming. Soon, Psyche was sobbing.
"Psyche...I'm so, so sorry..." Tsugaru held his lover tightly, not knowing what else to do.
"D-do you know when...you'll be transferred...?" Psyche whispered with small voice.
Tsugaru really didn't want to answer that question. That just meant that it was actually going to happen and he didn't want it to. But... He had to go. Psyche was putting Tsugaru before himself. He had to go.
"...Next week."Tsugaru answered as quietly as he could. As if that would mean it wasn't entirely true. As if it meant that he wouldn't have to leave the love of his life.
Tsugaru's statement only made Psyche cry harder. He didn't even have a full week left with his lover. When the day the blonde left would come, he didn't know what he'd do.
So as the days went by, the couple tried to spend as much time together as they possibly could. Before they knew it, the day that Tsugaru had to leave was finally upon them. Psyche was currently at the airport seeing his lover off.
"I-I'll miss you..." Psyche stuttered, forcing back his tears as he held Tsugaru tightly.
"Missing doesn't even begin to describe it..." Tsugaru smiled sadly and hugged Psyche tightly. "I'll think about you everyday. I'll try to send letters if I'm allowed." He whispered into his lover's ear.
Tsugaru's flight was about to leave, so they had to part from each other at last.
"I'll be back, Psy-chan. Take care of yourself." The blonde forced a small smile and finally began to walk away. A single tear found it's way down his cheek as he walked to his plane.
"Y...you, too!" Psyche cried out. "I love you!" He watched as Tsugaru boarded his plane. As soon as it took off and out of sight, Psyche's knees gave out and he fell to the ground, giving in to the tears that he couldn't fight back anymore. That was the beginning of his life being alone.
The first couple of months weren't that hard. Psyche believed that Tsugaru would return soon, so that hope he held onto was was let him smile everyday. But after a while, Psyche found it hard to even get out of bed every morning. And soon after, he didn't even try. He slept in late everyday, didn't talk much to anyone. Sometimes, he didn't leave the house for weeks. He just...didn't care anymore. He was so very lonesome.
His thoughts continued to swarm from "Tsu-chan's coming home soon." to "What's the point of waking up if Tsu-chan's not here?" Psyche always questioned himself. Sometimes, he'd get lost in thought for hours and not eat for days. His love for sweets diminished and he felt like his sanity was slowly slipping away. He heard voices now and then. Sometimes, the voices would play tricks on him and make him think Tsugaru was home- which drove him to paranoia. But that tiny ounce of hope he had was the only thing that kept him going. The only thing that kept him alive.
'When is Tsu-chan coming home...' Psyche would ask himself every minute of the day.
Years passed and Psyche became a different person. He didn't wear white anymore. No, he wore black. It made him feel comfortable. He hated mornings. He hated the sun- it practically burnt his pale skin. His bright magenta eyes turned into a dark, crimson red. His friends left him long ago. He had no one. He wasn't even alone anymore- he felt forsaken. Which fired his hatred for everyone and everything. He despised his so-called friends for leaving him when he needed them the most. He hated Tsugaru as well. He hated that man for leaving him, fully knowing what it would do. He resented Tsugaru.
His hatred made him realize that he really didn't want his former lover to come back. Psyche hoped Tsugaru had found someone else.
Because Psyche wasn't waiting anymore.
Well, that was what he wished it was like. The truth of that matter was that he tried to stop waiting. He tried to move on. But his heart wouldn't let him. He had been with many men and women, trying to fill that hole in his heart. But no one was good enough. Tsugaru was the only one who could fill that hole. Which was another reason why he hated the man so much. He wished he could just move on. After what Tsugaru did to him, he didn't want the man back! Tsugaru didn't deserve him!
Psyche sighed to himself. He didn't know what to do anymore. So he sat out on the doorstep of his apartment and stared at the sky. It was a cloudy day, which was the only kind of day that Psyche would leave his home.
"It's going to rain.." Psyche said with a comfortable sigh.
"I can tell..." Said a voice, making Psyche jump. He recognized that voice anywhere. Psyche's eyes widened and he looked straight ahead of himself, only to find Tsugaru holding an umbrella and staring at Psyche with a confused look.
"...Psyche?" Tsugaru questioned, noting the glare the man in black was giving him. Was that Psyche? That man barely looked like him!
But as he looked a bit closer, he could see that it was no one other than his Psyche.
"Tsu..garu..." Psyche trailed off, unable to grasp the unbelievable. Said man winced at how his name was used. He could tell that something was definitely wrong. What happened while he was gone?
"...Why..." Psyche started. "Why...are you here?!" Psyche shouted, crossing his arms and glaring daggers at the other man.
Tsugaru's eyes widened. He was astonished. When he finally managed to open his mouth to say something, he was cut off.
"Why did you even bother coming back!" Psyche didn't lower his voice at all.
"No! I don't want to hear your lousy excuses! And I don't want to be anywhere near you! I loathe you..." He growled out, clenching his fists tightly. He then dashed away, leaving Tsugaru stumped and speechless.
So, Tsugaru did the only thing he could do at that moment. He sat down on the doorstep and retrieved his pipe from one of his bags. He took a drag and stared at the dark, cloudy sky.
"I knew...this was going to happen. I knew it and still, I left him..." He sighed bitterly as a drop of rain landed on his face. Or was that a tear?
Psyche on the other hand ran down the sidewalk as fast as he could. He couldn't stand to be near him then! It was too soon, he wasn't ready! Psyche had no idea that Tsugaru would just pop out of the blue like that.
Sitting on a bench with his legs tucked under his chin, he began to think. What would he do? That was their home. It's not like he could force Tsugaru to leave. Although...If Psyche honestly wanted him to leave...Tsugaru would. He always put Psyche before himself. Always. Oh how he hated himself right then. He was being so unfair. He had to go back. It's not like he had the money to rent a hotel! Maybe...he could stay with one of his friends? Oh wait, he didn't have any..
"All stupid Tsu-chan's fault." Psyche mentally slapped himself for reverting back to Tsugaru's stupid pet name.
As it started to rain, Psyche knew that he had to go home. He grew sicker with every step he took. He didn't know how he was going to deal with it. He'd just have to when he was there.
He stood in front of his- no, their doorway, wondering how the hell he managed to get there so quickly. He noticed the light inside was on, and it brought back memories that made him physically sick. Pushing open the door, he dropped the wet, black jacket on the floor and gulped. Tsugaru was standing there, almost frozen. Maybe Psyche wasn't the only one having problems with this. It felt too weird. Too foreign.
"W-welcome home..." Tsugaru tried to say. "I-I thought I'd just go ahead and make dinner since... Well, I didn't know when or if you were going to return so..." He trailed off, forcing a smile. Psyche could see the smile did not reach his blue eyes.
"...Yeah..." Psyche sighed and walked passed him. Tsugaru noticed all the black his usual pink clad lover wore. It made something in his stomach twist at how much darkness Psyche was engulfed with. He wondered where his Psyche went. Was he gone? Would he come back? The light of Tsugaru's life was now a dark, dreary nightmare- and he didn't know what to do.
They ate together in silence. The tension in the air around them was extremely thick. Although Psyche acted as though Tsugaru wasn't even there. So many questions flooded Tsugaru's mind, but he didn't have the nerve to even attempt asking one. So he didn't.
After dinner, Psyche disappeared into their bedroom, leaving Tsugaru to take care of the clean up. Tsugaru didn't mind though. It gave him some time to think clearly. Maybe he could think of a solution.
After he cleaned up, he was stumped. Psyche was still in the bedroom and Tsugaru really wanted to confront him- but he was terrified. As Psyche said before, he loathed Tsugaru. What was the point of him trying to make amends with Psyche?
After two and a half hours of thinking, Tsugaru finally came to a conclusion. He loved Psyche. He'd do anything for him, and if he wasn't wanted anymore...He'd leave.
He quietly walked to the bedroom door and knocked gently. "Psyche?" Tsugaru tried again but still received no response. So, he opened the door and squinted his eyes. It was pitch black in the room. Not a single light was on. "Psyche?" He tried a third time. He hated it. Hated it so much. Being ignored, being hated- he needed to fix it.
"...What." Psyche finally gave in and sat up. "What do you want."
Tsugaru wanted to cower away from the cruelty in those words but knew he couldn't. He had to get answers.
"I just want to talk to you." Tsugaru said quietly.
Psyche was quiet for a moment before sighing and saying, "Fine. Talk."
Tsugaru cleared his throat and sat on the edge of the bed.
"I know...I haven't been there for you in the past few years-"
"Five." Psyche interrupted.
"Five years. And I know you want nothing more than for me to leave, but-"
"I...I never said I wanted you to leave..." Psyche mumbled. Tsugaru's eyes widened at that confession and it suddenly gave him hope.
"...Well, anyways, I know you're angry at me for leaving you for such a long time. And I'm sure you want to move on... I mean, heh, why would you still love someone after they left you for their stupid job?" Tsugaru chuckled bitterly. "I just...I just want you to talk to me. Tell me how you feel. I want to make things right..." He quickly wiped at his eyes. He wouldn't allow himself to cry.
Psyche was quiet as he let Tsugaru's words sink in. "You want to know how I feel...?" He asked quietly. "I'm pissed, Tsu-cha- Tsugaru! How could you leave me like that?!" Psyche felt himself tearing up. "You never called, never sent a letter- for all I knew, you could have been dead! Do you know how much stress that had on me?! Do you know how many sleepless nights I had? How painful it was to wake up every morning?" He let himself breathe for a moment before continuing.
"Yeah, I did try to move on." Psyche said, wiping his eyes. "I hate you so much, Tsugaru. I hate you because you left me. I hate you because even though you left me, even after all this time- after all those horrible thoughts I had...You're the only one I can love." He whimpered out the last confession, unable to hold back his sobs. He held his face, falling back onto the bed and curled into a ball.
Tsugaru didn't even hesitate to crawl next to Psyche and hold him in his arms.
"N-no! Let me g-go!" Psyche thrashed about, smacking and scratching Tsugaru as hard as he could.
"I'm so sorry, Psy-chan..." Tsugaru closed his eyes and let Psyche do as he pleased. But he refused to let go. He'd never let go. After many punches, cuts and knowing that Tsugaru's embrace wasn't going to waver, Psyche gave up. So instead, he clung to his former lover and continued to cry.
"Psy-chan, let it all out. I'm sorry." The blonde ran his fingers through the other's hair gently. "I love you..." He said quietly.
"...Th-then why did you leave me?" Psyche finally spoke, although it was barely a whisper.
"...Because. You told me to." Tsugaru pulled away from Psyche only to look into his eyes. "I told you I would have quit my job if you really couldn't let me go..."
Psyche didn't say anything, only remembering that simple fact then. "..Oh." A feint blush formed on his cheeks.
"...Do you...Are you still mad at me?" Tsugaru asked quietly.
"...Yeah." Psyche stated. "I am. I'm very mad at you. You were gone for five years, idiot." Psyche pulled away and flicked Tsugaru's forehead. "But... I don't hate you.." He mumbled.
Tsugaru blinked in shock before he smiled softly and kissed his love's cheek.
"I'm not going anywhere, love. I'm always here for you now. I-if you want me, I mean." Tsugaru chuckled nervously and scratched the back of his head.
Psyche sniffled, "Of course I want you, Tsu-chan..!" He wrapped his arms around the other's neck and kissed him passionately.
Tsugaru held tightly onto Psyche and kissed back. He only pulled away momentarily to say, "Then I'm all yours." And he was back to kissing his lover again.
"I...I love you, too..." Psyche mumbled and buried his face in Tsugaru's neck. He felt so bad for acting like he did, although he did have an excuse. But still.
Tsugaru smiled and pulled back to press their foreheads together.
"I'm home, Psyche."
"Welcome home." Psyche closed his eyes and smiled, tears filled his eyes again.
Finally, he felt peace.
A/N: So I wrote this a while ago and thought I might as well type it up! So I hope you enjoyed it~ I'd love some reviews. :3