Sheldon is OOC in this one. I couldn't resist. I have a friend on face book who likes to post the worst pick up lines he hears at his job. (He's a DJ) The temptation to have Sheldon use a few of them was too much for me.
I don't own The Big Bang Theory or the characters.
Sheldon rolled his eyes and cleared his throat. Unfortunately his friends continued to argue around the cafeteria table loudly.
"Dude, I'm telling you, those are the worst pick-up lines in the world. You are going to die old and alone if you don't get some better ones," Raj said loudly.
"Hey!" Howard frowned. "These lines are gold! They are guaranteed to land a honey!"
Leonard snorted. "The day you land a honey with one of those lines, I'll give you my bottled City of Kandor."
Sheldon looked up quickly. "Excuse me," he drawled. "Is this competition open to anyone?"
Three pairs of stunned eyes turned to him. "What competition?" Leonard asked.
"The picking up woman with one of Howard's lines competition," Sheldon said calmly.
After a moment Howard smirked. "Wait. You think you can pick up a woman?"
Sheldon looked at him condescendingly. "Of course I can. Even with one of your ridiculous come-ons."
Leonard frown and leaned forward. "Just to be clear, you're talking about going to a bar, hitting on women, and getting one of them to come back home with you. For sex."
Sheldon nodded sedately. "Yes. Except for the coitus. I can go to a bar, and convince a woman to come back home with me, using one of Howard's lines before any of you can." He looked around the table at them. "But no coitus, because I have no way of knowing what diseases she may carry."
Silence reigned for several minutes. Then Howard nodded. "Deal. We go tonight. We will all have 10 pick-up lines to try. First one to get a girl out of the bar and into Sheldon and Leonard's apartment wins."
"Whoa!" Leonard said. "What are you guys putting up? So far it's just my Bottled City. What if I win? We should all put up something!"
Raj nodded. "I will wager my vintage Super Friends lunchbox with autographed thermos."
Howard fidgeted in his seat. "Fine. I'll bet my Batman utility belt autographed by Adam West."
Sheldon looked at them all smugly. "Limited edition Captain America shield."
Four hands met in the center of the table and a bet was made.
Sheldon scanned the room carefully. Not only did he want to win this, but he wanted to do it with the minimum amount of time and effort. There was a Dr. Who marathon on tonight. The moment they had arrived the four men had instantly separated. Sheldon twitched as someone brushed past him. He determinedly pushed away all thought of germs, and made a slow circuit around the room. He needed someone his brother would pick up. Slightly drunk, too much make-up and with an air of desperation. He spotted a brunette by the bathroom and began moving in her direction. Then he saw her and his mind went blank.
She moved off the dance floor and made her way to a small booth. She was regretting her decision to come here. She was so over all this. Tired of the groping hands, the alcohol soaked kisses, the whole damn meat market. What she really wanted was a nice guy. Someone smart and funny and who looked in her eyes, not her cleavage. Penny sighed. She sure wasn't going to find that here. She slipped back into the shadows and waited for her friends to get tired.
"You are so hot, you could make the devil sweat."
Penny frowned and kept her eyes forward. How lame.
"Hello. Are you taking application for a boyfriend?"
Penny suppressed a giggle and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Are you going to kiss me, or do I have to lie to my diary?"
She could feel him leaning over the back of the booth slightly, watching her smile.
"You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?"
Penny burst out laughing and looked over her shoulder at him. "Do those lines ever work?"
Sheldon smiled shyly at her. She was the epitome of beautiful. "Hello. I'm Sheldon. Doctor Sheldon Cooper. And you are?"
Penny looked him over carefully. Plaid pants, a red thermal under a Green Arrow shirt, tall, lean and the most incredible gorgeous eyes she had ever seen. "Kind of young to be a doctor, aren't you?"
Sheldon shrugged. This woman was intoxicating. Something about her was calling out to him. He had spent a lifetime focused solely on his work. Yet one look at her, and he couldn't resist approaching her. There was something in her eyes, something that spoke to him, intimately. He moved to sit beside her in the booth.
"I'm a theoretical physicist. Not a medical doctor," he replied.
She tilted her head lightly. "I'm Penny. Penny Queen. I have no idea what a theoretical physicist does."
Sheldon shook the hand she held out and jumped. They both looked at their hands in surprise. The spark between them wasn't just imaginary.
Sheldon took a deep breath and plunged in feet first. "I could try to explain it here, or we could go back to my place and I could show you my work."
Penny lived life by two simple rules. Always be honest. Never do anything she would regret in the morning. Slowly she slid from the booth. "I'd like that."
Howard, Raj and Leonard trudged into the apartment dejectedly. It was 1am and none of them had succeeded.
"Sheldon's probably asleep," Leonard said wearily.
"I can't believe he just left without telling any of us," Raj said.
Howard smirked. "Really? You expected Sheldon to last longer than 15 minutes in a dark, crowded dance club?"
Howard and Raj slumped on the couch while Leonard grabbed them all water bottles. He took the armchair and reached for the remote. They found a Battlestar Galactica rerun and settled in to watch it.
They heard Sheldon's bedroom door open and a moment later he appeared. His hair was tousled and he was only wearing his flannel bottoms.
"If you gentlemen do not mind, please keep the noise to a minimum," he said in a hushed voice.
Leonard frowned at him. "What's up with you? Where's the rest of your pajamas?"
Sheldon twitched slightly. "In my room. Not that it's any of your business. Now, please be quiet."
Howard glared at him. "Sheldon, you've been here getting plenty of rest. We just got here. We had a miserable time. Let us watch this in peace."
Sheldon smirked. "Really? Because I have had a very enjoyable evening."
Leonard rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, we failed. But guess what, buddy. You did too."
The three men jumped from their seats and spun around quickly. Sheldon smiled softly and moved closer to Penny. She wound an arm around his waist and looked at the others.
"Penny, these are my friends, Leonard, Howard and Raj. Gentlemen, this is Penny."
She tugged the hem of Sheldon's flannel shirt down a bit and smiled. "Hello. Nice to meet you." She turned and looked up at him. She leaned in close and whispered, "I checked in the bathroom. We used the last condom. There are no more. I wasn't exactly planning on this, so I don't have any either."
"Drat," he said with disappointment. "Well, I guess we could just go to sleep. We'll have to make a trip to the store in the morning."
Penny slid her hand around his waist and tucked her fingers under the band. "Well, I have a suggestion that wouldn't require one," she murmured.
Sheldon frowned for a moment before the implication sunk in. "Oh. OH!" He grinned widely. "Yes, that is acceptable." He turned to his friends. "Good night. Don't make too much noise."
Howard, Raj and Leonard watched them hurry down the hall. Then they looked at each other. Suddenly Howard began frantically searching his pockets.
"What are you looking for?" Leonard asked.
"The copy of the list of lines I gave Sheldon. One of those babies worked and I'm going to find out which one!" Howard said as he pulled the paper out. He hurried out the door, and Raj chased after him quickly.
"Sweet sufferin' Jesus," Sheldon moaned from his room. Leonard raced out of the apartment. If his only choices were sitting there listening to Sheldon and the hottest blonde he had ever seen get busy or watching Howard chase women, he picked Howard. Besides, those lines HAD worked.