KissMeDeadlyT-T: This is such a random thing, really.

I don't own DGM 'cause if I did Lenalee wouldn't be so "ALLEN, I WANT YO BABIES" and would be a lot more badass and stuff. And Allen wouldn't be such a nice guy. And stuff.

Warning: Yaoi, Kanda being a turd, language, Lavi and Lenalee being perverts… Just normal stuff you see in Yullen/ Arekan fics.


"Did you guys hear that woman? Poor Crow-chan, I've never even heard that level of dirty talking before in casual everyday situations."

Lenalee giggled as she slid into the seat next to Allen and his twenty-two plates of food. "I thought he was going to pass out for sure!" she said, laughing when Lavi made an imitation of how horrified and scandalized the vampire exorcist's face had looked earlier that afternoon.

On a rare day off, Lavi and Lenalee had dragged a cheerful Krory, tired Allen and grumpy Kanda to town "to hang out"—though Allen suspected it was really more because they were trying to take their minds off of things—and at one point, had passed through the shadier part of town that Kanda had so tactfully dubbed STD Central. It had been pretty normal, with a few catcalls aimed at Lenalee and a suggestive smirk or two towards Allen—which Kanda had fended off with one of his famous glares that must have come from the Devil's Shelf of Fucking Terrifying Things. At one point, they'd passed in front of a club of sorts and an extremely busty woman that most likely would have made Allen blush a few months ago before he'd admitted to himself that he wasn't all that into girls approached them.

Now, Krory was a nice guy and all, but Allen still wasn't sure why she had chosen him of all people when Kanda was there, because come on, as much of an asshole as Kanda was, he really made up for it in the looks department. Granted, she was checking him out—which had pissed Allen off, much to Kanda's amusement—but she hadn't made any moves on him. Just as the woman had started chatting with Krory (who, in his nervous state, ended up blabbering awkwardly back and blushing like an idiot), Kanda had stormed off, muttering about fucking hookers and not wanting to contract an STD from being in her vicinity, leaving Allen with Lenalee and Lavi who looked just as awkward as he felt.

Allen didn't like to remember what happened next, and surely it must have been considered sexual harassment. Poor Krory had looked like he'd just seen the end of the world. Allen couldn't help but chuckle a bit as he pictured the man's face in his mind again. "Poor Krory. She was saying some pretty—um, scandalous things." He shook his head, then looked up to the cranky exorcist in front of him, silently eating his tempura soba amidst Allen's pile of food. "You should've heard, Kanda."

Kanda tch'd. "I'm fine, thanks. I'd rather not hear some cheap whore—"

"Oh, don't be so rude," Lenalee told him disapprovingly. "She wasn't a cheap whore, she… she was—"

"A cheap whore," said Lavi, Allen and Kanda at the same time.

Lenalee pursed her lips, then sighed in defeat. "Okay… yeah, she was. But seriously, I'm kind of curious as to where you went, Kanda. She was definitely eyeballing you before she started talking to Krory and before you disappeared."

"I left because I didn't want some fucking—"


"—slut making moves on me. I'm not interested," Kanda finished flatly, popping his chopsticks into his mouth casually as though he was discussing something like the weather.

"Right," Lavi said, nodding. "'Cause you like the P where her V was."

Kanda nearly choked on his noodles and probably would have if Allen hadn't snickered and reached over to hit his back. Once Kanda could breathe again, he shot a glare that could probably wither plants Lavi's way, his face a delicate shade of pink.

"Oh, come on."

Kanda's glare turned to Allen. "What?"

"Are you honestly still shy?" Allen asked exasperatedly. "It's been almost three months!"

"I am not shy, and you can shut the fuck up," Kanda snapped, flushing even darker.

Lavi looked at Allen and said very seriously, "Allen, he wants the D."

"What- what does that even have to do with this situation-"

Allen grinned, ignoring Kanda's spluttering. "I know, and he's so cute when he tries to deny it~"

"Don't call me cute, I'm not a fucking child—"

"But look at you!" Allen reached across the table and pinched Kanda's cheeks, grin widening at the look of surprise that quickly turned to supreme irritation on Kanda's face. "You so cute," he cooed in that ridiculous baby voice people use when talking to a puppy. Kanda looked about ready to punch him in the face, and Allen debated stopping, because he knew from experience that when Kanda punched, he punched. Instead of that, Kanda just jerked away suddenly, causing Allen to lose his balance and nearly fall face-first into the heap of dishes and food on the table. With a glare that rivalled Kanda's, Allen sat back down.

"Don't be mean," he said in a pouty way.

"Don't be an annoying bean sprout and maybe I'll consider it."






"For fuck's sake—"

"Guys, stop it!" Lenalee yelled, violently chucking an empty milk carton at Kanda's face and smacking the back of Allen's head. Kanda picked up the milk carton as though it was contaminated and tossed it aside, grumbling as he wiped flecks of milk off of his face. Allen rubbed the back of his head and muttered something like an apology, making a mental promise to himself that he was so going to make Kanda pay for this somehow later.

After a moment of silence, Lavi whispered, "He wants the D."

"Lavi, shut up," Lenalee said.

Lavi snickered.

"Anyways, I guess it's not like we have to worry about seeing that woman ever again," Lenalee continued as if that little scrap hadn't happened.

"Or hear such virginity-claiming talk."

"…What?" Lenalee asked.

"Dirty talking," Allen explained. "I think Krory lost his virginity just from her talking to him."

Lavi snorted. "Probably, the poor guy's been so sheltered."

"It kind of makes me curious if some people like that kind of thing. I mean, to that extreme." Lenalee rested her chin in one of her hands. "I wonder if they would have been done in by what she was saying. I myself could never talk to someone like that…ever." She shuddered. "Not my cup of tea."

"I think it depends on how stupid it is." Lavi sucked thoughtfully on his spoon. "Like, if you're gonna call my dick something like Cockatorus Rex or something, that's definitely a turn off." (Lenalee had to hit Allen's back a few times after he started choking on a pancake at Lavi's euphemism.) "But if it's done right…" Lavi grinned. "I wouldn't mind."

Still giggling a bit, Lenalee said, "I wonder if anyone actually talks like that… like, in a relationship or something…"

"Yeah, really…" Lavi's green eye slid over to Kanda. "Hey, Yuuuuuuuu. Do you and Allen ever talk like that?"

"No," Kanda said flatly, not looking up from his noodles.

"Well," Allen piped up, "there was that one time you—"

"Allen, shut the fuck up or I'll rip your throat out of your ass."

"You said my name!"

Kanda rolled his eyes. "I don't know why you get off on that so much."

"Because it makes me feel like you love me!"

"…Right. Moyashi it is."

"Hey! Oh, come on. Can't you admit it? Everyone knows we're together anyways."

"I don't care," Kanda muttered, flushing slightly.

Lavi made a squeaking sound of delight. "Aw, you guys are killin' me. So cute." He wiped an imaginary tear from his eye. "I might die."

"Feel free to do so," Kanda said.

"Don't be such a dick," Allen told him with a frown.

"He can't help it," Lavi said, smirking. "You are what you eat, right?"

Even Allen turned beet red now. "Lavi!" he groaned as Lenalee did a most un-Lenalee-like snicker.

Kanda now looked closer to homicidal than ever, but he didn't say anything. He sort of seemed like he had given up. So he settled for sitting there and scowling, a vein throbbing in his forehead.

"Bookman is right," Allen muttered. "You really are immature."

"Hey now. Not immature. Just… awesome."

"More like annoying," Kanda said. Allen nodded in agreement. Even though Lavi was one of his best friends, the redhead was way too irritating for his own good when it came to teasing Kanda and Allen. He sort of understood why Kanda always wanted to punch Lavi out.

"You guys are just poo-heads."

Kanda rolled his eyes and didn't even dignify that with a response, and Allen just stared at the redhead for a moment before shaking his head and beginning on his plate of chicken fingers. As Lavi and Lenalee began heatedly discussing whether spying on their friends when they were alone was morally wrong or not—which it so completely was, God, Allen didn't understand why Lavi couldn't grasp the concept of privacy—Allen found his mind wandering back to the rather scarring words the woman had said. Some people certainly would have been turned on, but Allen was mostly just creeped out, and he was only half-sure that was because he was gay. He wondered what it would be like if someone he was attracted to talked to him like that.

Someone like Kanda. A heat rose in his cheeks at the thought, and before he could hide it behind his bangs, Kanda looked up, raising an eyebrow. Inside, Allen cursed him, quickly turning his head to the side and attempting to pretend it was because it was warm in the cafeteria or something.

"You look like a tomato," Kanda remarked.

"It's hot in here," Allen lied smoothly. He probably would have gotten away with it if it was anyone but Kanda, because the bastard seemed to have this uncanny ability to tell when Allen was lying and when he wasn't.

"Right," Kanda said dryly, and Allen knew that Kanda didn't believe it for one second. He began stuffing his face with the nearest item of food to avoid talking, but Kanda just stared at him expectantly and made him feel generally awkward for a good five minutes and so Allen just gave in.

"Fine," he said reluctantly. "But you can't laugh."

"I don't think that's going to be a problem."

"Right, you don't laugh."


"Ugh… okay… I was just… well, I was thinking about that woman again—not like that, jeez, Kanda, calm down. Anyway, I was sort of thinking, um… well…"

"Oh for fuck's sake, spit it out."

"I'm trying." Kanda just makes a 'tch' sound so Allen continues, face reddening again, "I was wondering what it would be like if… um, you."


"Kanda?" said Lenalee as she joined in the conversation.

"Yes, what about him?" Lavi asked. Allen's shoulders hiked up to his ears. He had kind of been hoping that they wouldn't notice the little side conversation going on between himself and Kanda, but really, it was them, and he didn't know why he thought for one second he and Kanda could perhaps have a private conversation.

Allen felt his cheeks getting warmer as all three pairs of eyes stared at him and muttered, "I wondered what it would be like if Kanda spoke to me like that."

There was a moment of silence in which Lenalee turned bright red, Lavi grinned widely, Kanda looked generally annoyed and Allen wanted to die. Then Lavi said, "I'm quite curious too."

"Of course you are," Allen mumbled weakly. He nearly jumped out of his seat when Kanda sighed and put his chopsticks down, fixing Allen with a narrow-eyed stare.

"You really want to hear me say something like that?"

Allen felt really irrationally nervous and shaky. "Uhm, well… kinda?"

Instead of responding by pointing Mugen at his throat and threatening to take his life, as Allen was expecting, Kanda silently stood up and walked away. Allen was sort of confused for a moment, and kind of annoyed at Kanda for just walking away, when he noticed the older exorcist rounding the table and approaching him. Allen nearly jumped out of his skin.


"Shut up."

Lenalee giggled at Allen's wide-eyed expression. "This should be interesting. I've never even heard Kanda say anything like that to Allen."

"I haven't even heard him say anything," Lavi mused. "And I hear a lot."

"Oh God," Allen groaned, ultimately humiliated. He half-wished the Earl would just appear out of nowhere and kill him or something. That would be muchly preferable to the steadily-advancing Kanda and the creepy grins he could feel on the back of his head.

Said grins widened hugely when Kanda sat next to Allen and pulled him closer, not gently. Allen's eyes widened as his head connected with Kanda's chest, and had his mouth open in irritation to demand what the hell, but the words died in his throat when he looked up and saw the look in Kanda's eyes. It was that demonic, smirking look that only came out every so often, and it always made Allen's throat and mouth feel stuffed with cotton.

He watched as Kanda did a quick glance around the room and automatically followed suit. There were a couple of finders a few tables away, some exorcists they weren't really familiar with on the opposite end of the cafeteria, and then there Jerry was, who was whistling a random tune in the kitchen. Besides them, and Lavi and Lenalee—who were grinning like identical Cheshire cats—they were alone. It seemed Kanda didn't particularly care about any of these people being there, and he looked back at Allen, who was staring up at him with a dry mouth and huge eyes.

Narrowing his eyes and letting a cold smirk curl his lips—one he knew Allen liked, because it always set him off blushing like mad like he was now—he lowered his voice and asked in something like a purr, "You want me to say something hot to you?"

Allen looked like he was about to pass out, his silvery lashes fluttering, but he nodded. He backed up slightly, as if to gain some sense of self-control, and accidentally bumped into Lenalee. He muttered an apology, but it wasn't very heartfelt as he was too busy staring and trying to understand what was happening. Kanda never did things like this. Ever. Last time Allen had even attempted to hug him in public, he'd ended up with the sharp tip of Mugen at his heart and a death threat that if things like this ever happened outside of the bedroom Allen would end up without certain significant parts of his lower anatomy that were really quite critical to what they did in the bedroom. Needless to say, Allen was speechless.

And quite turned on.

Lenalee didn't move, despite the fact that Allen's back was glued to her side, and in the back of his mind Allen supposed she must get off on this sort of thing, but he can't really focus on that right now with Kanda so damn close to him. He was leaning closer, his dark blue-gray eyes were hooded with his thick eyelashes, looking dark and lustful and smoldering and everything Allen had associated with the bedroom and not the dining hall, damn it. His hands jerked up and tried to push Kanda away, but before he could do anything, Kanda was kissing him. He could hear Lenalee freaking out behind him and Lavi cursing and probably nursing a nosebleed, that pervert, and damn he wanted to punch something this should not be happening in the freaking dining hall and he was just beginning to give in and melt into the kiss when Kanda pulled away, flicking his tongue over Allen's wet lips before sitting back. Allen let out an involuntary, unsatisfied growl and tried to tug Kanda forward again, but Kanda put his hands on his hips and forced him away.

Lenalee made a sound like a whimper and Lavi stared with huge eyes and all Allen could say was, "Damn it, Kanda, what the hell?"

He was so turned on right now it wasn't even funny. He probably wouldn't even be able to say no if Kanda initiated sex right now—not that Allen thought he would, but honestly, he doubted that he'd have the will to stop it. Panting slightly and feeling uncomfortably warm, he shuddered as Kanda leaned closer again and murmured, "If you want me to say something hot, you have to tell me what you want."

"Wh-what I want…?" Allen asked blankly, trying hard not to look at Kanda's face right in front of his but damn it was near impossible. He kind of forgot they had an audience and a small whimper bubbled up his throat and then he whispered, "You."

Kanda smirked in that way he sometimes did that made Allen feel like he was being heated up from the inside out and made him feel like he was naked and Kanda could see everything he was doing to his poor hormonal body and his eyes were practically fucking him on the spot. He swallowed to wet his suddenly dry throat.

"Alright then," Kanda said, dipping his head into the crook between Allen's neck and his jaw. "If you want to hear something hot, I'll tell you something hot." The silveret shuddered, biting his lip and barely repressing a moan when Kanda bit his earlobe harshly. Without realizing it, one of his hands slid between his legs and tried to rub against the hardness in his pants, but Kanda grabbed his wrist before he could. Allen groaned, bucking forward.


Then Kanda muttered, "Fucking fire, bean sprout" and stood up and walked away before Allen could even blink.

For a long moment he sat there in shock, face red and arousal thrumming through his body and damn were these tight black pants inconvenient right now. Then Lavi said, "Did he just say fire?"

"I think he did."

"He definitely said fire."

"Fire… wrong kind of hot."

"Kanda is the Devil."

"… Allen looks like he's going to pass out."

"I don't blame him. That was… really hot."

"And Kanda just…"

They both yelped as Allen jumped up, eyes wild, and yelled, "Kanda, you asshole!" before running off in the same direction Kanda had gone, Innocence invoked and a look of pure murderous intent on his face. Lavi and Lenalee stared after him, then to each other, then after him again, then to the plates of food left behind.

"Well," said Lavi, reaching over to grab a plate of rice and chicken. "I have to say, that was almost as good as the first time they went at it."

Lenalee pouted. "I can't believe I missed out on that."

"You said it was morally wrong to watch other people have sex."

"Yeah…I changed my mind."

"You're perverted."

"So are you, Lavi."

Lavi grinned. "Never denied it."

Lenalee suddenly perked up, her purple eyes widening. "Lavi!"

"Mmf?" Lavi asked, his mouth full of chicken. Lenalee stood up and grabbed his wrist, dragging him behind her as she marched to the exit. Lavi stared mournfully at the food they left behind and swallowed his mouthful then demanded, "Lenalee, what are you doin'?"

"We have business."


Lenalee didn't answer until they were in front of a familiar door. "This."

Lavi was confused for a moment before it clicked. "Oh, Lenalee. I like this new pervy you."

"Shut up," she ordered, blushing, as she tugged him into the camera room. Her fingers danced over the buttons for the cameras for room 49 and 57 (which happened to be the only buttons that didn't have dust collected on them which may or may not be thanks to Lavi) and two screens flickered to life, illuminating her evil grin as she slowly sunk into one of the plush chairs before the cameras. Lavi took a seat next to her, still snickering.

"Now we wait?" he asked with a snicker.

A wicked grin. "Now we wait."


KissMeDeadlyT-T: ;~; I will now go hide in my Gollum-cave-thing because this was so pointless, and honestly, I haven't had any sleep in the past… hm, three days because I'm trying to stay up as long as I can… These excuses do not excuse crappy writing but well now you all know why it is so… random. Am I even making sense right now? I'm gonna shut up.

I like reviews and stuff. :3