Sit down to write an update for an on-going story. End up writing crack fiction. Yeah. It's one of THOSE days.

Hope you enjoy. And I still don't own BLEACH no matter how much I beg.


Head-Captain Yamamoto looked askance down at the figure.

"He's not exactly ...imposing." Shunsui Kyoraku sighed, tilting up the brim of his straw hat and looking chagrined.

The leader of the 11th Division sneered. "Not even worth getting out of bed for." He rolled his head, bells jingling and he sighed.

Captain Ukitake knelt down next to the pitiful excuse of an opponent. "He looks like he needs a good meal."

Lieutenant Hisagi blushed, having been the one to knock the 'enemy' down. "I didn't know he was going to be so ..."

"Breakable?" Captain Kuchiki blinked and looked away as if bored.

The leader of the Gotei 13 looked around at those assembled. Four captains and one vice-captain. Plus himself. "Perhaps our ...response, was out of proportion to the actual threat."

Shunsui snorted. "Ya think?" He looked up, saw his head-captain's eyes on him and he straightened up. "I mean, yes sir."

Shuhei Hisagi was still blushing. Every other fighter there had pulled away from the fight the moment they suspected all was not as it seemed. Except him.

"Don't sweat it, Lieutenant." Captain Shunsui noticed the other man's discomfort. "The guy really did attempt to blackmail us. Just because he turned out to be weaker than we thought ...doesn't mean he didn't need to be taken down."

"Yes. Blackmail." The Division 13 leader looked up at the others. "I was sent a 'sample' of the information ...I don't suppose any of you?" He was being deliberately vague.

Kenpachi Zaraki sneered. "Bastard sent me something too."

Everyone else nodded, some quickly and some with more reluctance.

Head-Captain Yamamoto sighed. "We'll have to trace his steps to find out HOW he got this information on us all. Still. To isolate our dreams and record our deepest, darkest thoughts? I would have thought it impossible."

"Or the culprit to be Captain Kurotsuchi." Lieutenant Hisagi murmured under his breath.


The lone lieutenant looked up and saw all eyes on him. His muttering must have been heard. He flushed bright red.

"Indeed." Captain Kyoraku seemed amused at least. He turned away and was looking through the room, rapping on walls and furniture.

Captain Kuchiki looked around the group. "That will have to be checked into as well." Not dismissing the possibility of the Division 12 leader being involved in this scheme.

"Well now." Shunsui called the others over and showed them the hidden compartment he'd found. With six computer disks in cases.

Kenpachi sneered.

Captain Ukitake sighed and winced.

No one made a move for the disks. No one wanted to expose their own dark thoughts to the others.

Head-Captain Yamamoto cleared his throat. "What is discussed here. Stays here. Anyone violating that will be under summary execution orders."

"Understood." They all agreed with varying levels of irritation.

"Do we have to watch them all to find out who gets what?" Captain Ukitake asked. "Or can we ..."

A clear and concise kido incantation. A pointed finger. An explosion. Smoke everywhere.

Shunsui coughing and using his singed hat to wave the remaining smoke out of his face and eyes. "A little warning next time?"

Captain Kuchiki refused to apologize as he looked on the destruction of the entire wall.

Lieutenant Hisagi whistled and pointed. The men groaned. The computer disks had to be protected somehow. They were glowing blue and on the ground. Unharmed.

"Shit." Captain Zaraki spat to the side, looking angry.

Shunsui stooped down and picked up all the disks. "We can simply turn them over, sight unseen, to a third party. Bind them for 1,000 years or longer."

Byakuya looked uncomfortable with the thought. "Who do we all trust enough for that? No one that I can think of."

"Nor I." Head-Captain Yamamoto sighed. "We each should take our own."

Captain Kyoraku opened the first case, peeking through slitted eyes. "Oh!" He opened his eyes more. "These are marked. With a description at least."

Byakuya reached forward, lightning fast, snatching the top disk from the pile. He glanced at the description and frowned. "Picnic lunch with now deceased spouse."

Jushiro Ukitake smiled happily. "There you go, Byakuya. You have yours and can get out of here."

The noble frowned, looking upset.

A sharp cough from Head-Captain Yamamoto caught everyone's attention. He held out his hand imperiously, and the younger captain handed that particular disk over immediately. "Our Captain Kuchiki is not the only one to have loved or been married in the past."

The other captains looked abashed as their eyes fell. The Head-Captain nodded. "I will keep this, not because I am embarrassed by it. But because it is quite private."

Everyone nodded, understanding.

Shunsui held up the next disk, his eyes going wide as he read. "Wild sex with Nanao Ise."

Shocked looks.

Head-Captain Yamamoto frowned. "You didn't have to read out your own. Out loud, Shunsui."

"I didn't." Came the rather weak-voiced reply as Captain Kyoraku held up a second disk. "Mine is the wild night with Tier Halibel." He admitted without any shame.

"If that's not your dream who was dreaming about Nanao?" Lieutenant Hisagi stopped, as all the men looked back and forth at each other suspiciously.

No one moved for a long moment and the silence stretched thin.

"Fine." Snapped Captain Ukitake finally, and snatched the disk away from his friend's stunned fingers. He glared at them all and turned to take his leave. "We will never speak of this again."

Captain Kyoraku whistled and thrust the remaining disks at the Head-Captain as he left after his fleeing friend. "Like hell we're not going to discuss this. She's my lieutenant!"

"Shut up, Shunsui!" Came the final remark as the other two captains left.

Silence fell over the room.

The head-captain looked at the three remaining men and sighed. He looked down at the first disk. "Bathing in the blood of enemies."

Byakuya sneered, looking away.

Yamamoto held out the disk to Captain Zaraki. Then frowned as the tall man didn't take it from him. He looked up at his fighting division leader. "Kenpachi?"

Lieutenant Hisagi sighed and held out his own hand for the disk, his eyes looking off into the distance.

A bit shocked, the head-captain turned and put that particular disk into the lieutenant's hands.

Captain Zaraki gave a feral grin. "Perhaps you're wasted over where you are. Any thoughts about about joining Division 11?"

The young lieutenant ground his teeth together and shook his head. "I'm ...I'm working on being better than that. These dark dreams? I guess they're not only what we want the most ...but perhaps also about the parts of us we want to keep away from."

"Indeed." The head-captain nodded and dismissed the poor lieutenant, sending their prisoner away with him.

Captain Zaraki and Captain Kuchiki both looked at him. One slouching against an undamaged wall, the other standing nobly and looking untouchable.

"Well now." Yamamoto blinked and looked down at the final two disk. "At least this will be easy. Sensual night with Retsu Unohana. And the second disk is described as Complete world domination."

"Typical brute." Byakuya sneered at the other man while taking the first disk about the medical healer.

"Pervert." Came Kenpachi's scowling reply as he took the second disk about world domination.

"Kenpachi, I'll be keeping my eye on you. Ambition can be a poisonous thing." Head-Captain Yamamoto sighed. "Byakuya, you have good taste. And it's time you moved on and found someone new. I wish you well."

Neither man answered, just staring at their respective computer disks.

The Head-Captain sighed. "I guess that's the end of it, for now. I need to go make arrangements to track down how this man actually accomplished making these disks. Dismissed."

The two remaining captains stood there in total silence. Neither looking at each other as they waited for the head-captain to be gone.

Finally, Byakua took a deep breath. He didn't even look at Kenpachi as he held the computer disk out to the side. "Retsu Unohana? Really?"

"You have no room to make fun." Kenpachi growled, handing the disk he was holding over to the young noble. "World domination?"

"She'll never fall for a lout like you." Byakuya said snidely.

Captain Zaraki shrugged. "Possible. Still. I think I have a better shot at my dream, than you do at yours."

Byakuya Kuchiki sneered and shook his head. "We never mention this again."

Kenpachi nodded. "Oh yeah."



Told you. Cracked. Very cracked! LOL! And yes, I used Halibel instead of Harribel. I've seen it both ways. Not sure which is legit.

Thanks! Hope you enjoyed!