[door opens]

JOHN: Sherlock, the next time you make a shopping list this long I'm making you…Who the…

SHERLOCK: Ah—John, put one of the packs of lightbulbs in the freezer.

JOHN: Yes, yes in a minute…Sherlock, who is that?

SHERLOCK: This is Martin Crieff—an airline pilot, judging by his left thumb. First offi—

MARTIN: Captain—Don't you see the stripes?

SHERLOCK: First Officer, since this is clearly a costume from a fancy dress shop. A captain would have worn his real uniform.

MARTIN:I AM the captain—this is a captain's hat!

JOHN: Are you related? You both look—

SHERLOCK: He came here with a ridiculous question, and he's just leaving now.

JOHN: Actually, Sherlock, that might not be a good idea. He really looks like you…what if the men think he's—

SHERLOCK: The men?

JOHN: Sorry, I forgot…There are at least three men loitering near our door. Probably waiting for you.

SHERLOCK: In that case, Martin!

MARTIN: Y-yes?

SHERLOCK: Let me see that cat.


Cabin Pressure, by John Finnemore, starring Stephanie Cole as Carolyn, Roger Allam as Douglas, Benedict Cumberbatch as Martin, and John Finnemore as Arthur.

This week, Walla Walla! ( www dot youtube dot com /watch?v=u0TEkHO-VT8 )


[*bing bong*]

DOUGLAS [over the PA system]: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. First Officer Douglas Richardson here with a weather report. Rather sadly, though unsurprisingly, the weather here in London is much the same as it was in Walla-Walla—fog, mist, and a high chance of showers. No signs that it will be clearing up for several hours at least.

[*bing bong*]

DOUGLAS [singing]: RIIIIIIIIIIIDI, PAGLIAAAAAAAAAAAACIOOOOOOOOO O! SUL TUO AMOOOOORE INFRAAAAAAANTOOOOOO!

[*bing bong*]

DOUGLAS: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm afraid I'm not chive talking when I tell you that there's a leek in the gas tank and we'll have to make a brief stop on root to Vidalia, Washington. We have shallotted to us—

[flight deck door opens]

Hullo, Martin. Any luck with the Augean stables?

MARTIN[breathing heavily]: You know, it'd go a lot faster if you were helping. [sneeze]

DOUGLAS: Nonsense, Martin. If I were helping you, who would be guarding the last of our precious cargo? Handkerchief?

MARTIN [congested]: How precious could a few more bags of these blasted onions be?

DOUGLAS: They're sweet Vidalia onions, Martin, and Mr. Hellman did hire us to get all 500 pounds to London.

MARTIN: And who's going to steal them from the cabin, anyway? You could at least take a look at the hold door while you're refusing to help us, so we don't have to take another trip with the cargo clogging the aisles.

DOUGLAS: And your sinuses?

MARTIN: I already told you, I'm fine! I'm not—

DOUGLAS: Oh! Did someone say you were a bad pilot?

MARTIN: No, I have allergies.

DOUGLAS: To sweet onions?

MARTIN: No, I don't know what's causing them, but that's definitely why I'm crying. Anyway, I came in here to tell you that Arthur and I got them all off the plane, so you can stop pretending to fill in your logbook. Hand me my bag, won't—hang on, what's that?

[meow]

MARTIN: Agh!

DOUGLAS: Do you make a habit of carrying large cats in your carry-on? My smuggled orchids were positively tame in comparison.

MARTIN: No! [sneeze] Douglas, I didn't put it in there.

DOUGLAS: Then, Martin, I'm afraid you must have the wrong bag.

MARTIN: Of course I have the wrong bag! And after I put two whole packages of Benadryl in it! That's five pounds!

DOUGLAS: Come to think of it, your rucksack did rather resemble our passenger's, didn't it?

MARTIN: This must be his!

DOUGLAS: Yes, since your name isn't Douglas Livingstone…though that might be an improvement.

MARTIN: You just say that because it's your name!

DOUGLAS: No, I just think it sounds like a good name for a pilot. "Captain Livingstone, I presume?"

MARTIN: [strangled noise]

DOUGLAS: Yes…

MARTIN: That's not important. He has my bag!

DOUGLAS: And more importantly, you have an allergy to cats.

MARTIN: Yes, thank you for clearing that up, now—

DOUGLAS: Unlike your nose?

MARTIN: Douglas!

DOUGLAS: So, I suggest you call the number on the bag and remedy the situation.

MARTIN: Ah, yes, of course. One moment.

[phone rings]

H-hello, this is Capt…Mar…Captain Cr…Captain Martin Crieff, yes.

[indistinct mumbling]

I-I was flying the aeroplane.

[indistinct mumbling]

The—we just came from Washington…?

[indistinct mumbling]

S…Sorry, is this Mr. Livingstone?

[indistinct mumbling]

Oh! Oh…I'm…I'm so sorry. Please believe me that I had no…I mean we, that is, I didn't know

[indistinct mumbling]

I mean yes…yes. wrong number. Hehehe! I would never call you for myself, you know I…

[phone hangs up]

I'm…I think she hung up on me!

DOUGLAS: Imagine my surprise! Well, in that case I'll try directory inquiries…I don't know if I could bear to watch you do that again. Out of curiosity, whose number did you dial?

MARTIN: Erm…Stacey from Topshop.

DOUGLAS: Ah, that would explain it. Oh, yes. Hello. Can you give me the number for…23 Privet Drive, Hackney?…No? Thank you.

[tramping feet]

ARTHUR: CHAPS! I JUST CALLED THE NUMBER ON THE FORM, AND IT WAS SCOTLAND YARD! CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY WANTED ALL THOSE ONIONS? DO YOU THINK IT'S FOR A CASE?

DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur, the Metropolitan Police frequently buy large quantities of produce from overseas. They like to keep tabs on the quality of imported food.

ARTHUR: Really? That's brilliant! I can't wait to meet a real detective when they come to pick them up.

MARTIN: I don't think you will, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Do we have to take them there?

MARTIN: No, I don't think that Scotland Yard ordered the onions.

ARTHUR: But why did they answer then?

DOUGLAS: Arthur, why on earth would the police want onions?

ARTHUR: You just said so that they could keep tabs…

DOUGLAS: [dramatic sigh] No, Arthur, I think that was a false phone number. I don't think anyone is going to pick up those onions.

ARTHUR: Oh! [pause] Skip, I didn't know you liked cats!

MARTIN: No, I don't like cats. In fact, I'm very allergic to cats.

ARTHUR: Then why do you have a cat?

MARTIN: I don't have a cat!

ARTHUR: What's that, then?

MARTIN: THIS IS NOT MY CAT!

ARTHUR: Douglas? Why is there a cat? Why are his ears so long? Did you bring him? Is he the airline pet?

MARTIN: No, I'm aller—

DOUGLAS: That's a marvellous idea, Arthur, but I'm afraid we'll have to find something less hairy.

ARTHUR: A SNAKE! A SNAKE WOULD BE BRILLIANT!

MARTIN: [more strangled noises]

DOUGLAS: Well, I've looked him up on my phone - this cat is a caracal. Quite rare. So, if no one has a better idea, I'll just sell him to an exotic pet fancier. Which might begin to cover the cost of this trip, as I'm afraid Carolyn might not be getting paid after all. I hope you like onions, Arthur?

ARTHUR: Can't we keep him?

MARTIN: ALLERGIES!

ARTHUR: We should find out who he belongs to.

DOUGLAS: Whoever he belongs to has just cheated your mother out of a lot of money.

MARTIN: I have to call Carolyn.

DOUGLAS: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

MARTIN: No, I should get it over with.

[phone rings]

Hello, Carolyn.

CAROLYN: What is it now?

MARTIN: Well…a slight problem…

CAROLYN: Martin, never once has a problem of yours been 'slight.' What did you do?

MARTIN: I haven't done anything! [sneeze]

DOUGLAS: Bless me! Is that a cat, captain?

MARTIN [hissing]: DOUGLAS!

CAROLYN: I assume, having just arrived from out of the country, that you are about to inform me that Douglas is pulling my leg and there are no animals on board. [pause] Except maybe Arthur at mealtimes.

DOUGLAS: Douglas has never pulled your leg in his—

CAROLYN: I'm in no mood, Douglas. Martin!

MARTIN: S-sorry, Carolyn, but our passenger left a cat on board and his numbers don't check out and he may have just cheated us out of…well…I don't know if he's going to pay.

CAROLYN: And if he doesn't pay, I'm sure you'll be delighted to bear the cost yourself?

MARTIN: Well…I don't…

DOUGLAS: I think that was a rhetorical question, Martin. The more important one, I think, is what do we do with this cat. From America. That was not declared.

CAROLYN: You're the ones who decided to take the cat on board, not me. I fail to see how this is my problem.

DOUGLAS: But you can hardly fail to see, Carolyn, that this is your airline.

CAROLYN: An airline that you work for! Tell me, Douglas, does Customs have a policy concerning dead cats?

DOUGLAS: I am not sure that customs looks smilingly on companies that transport fauna, living or dead, if it is undeclared.

CAROLYN: Well, we can't afford another customs violation. If they catch so much as a whiff of this—

[Martin sneezes]

—this company will be short two pilots and a steward.

MARTIN: Carolyn!

CAROLYN: I'm serious, Martin. If that cat is still around tomorrow, you are all fired.

ARTHUR: Mum, they—

CAROLYN: Even you, Arthur.

ARTHUR: But Mum, you don't even pay—

CAROLYN: I put a roof over your head and I don't have to if I don't want to. That is FINAL!

[phone goes dead]

DOUGLAS: So, about that chap I know who sells exotic pets…

MARTIN: No, we'd get into even more trouble!

DOUGLAS: Martin, really—

MARTIN: No—I forbid it, as your captain!

DOUGLAS: Well, then, Captain, do you have any better ideas?

MARTIN: I…maybe we could…no that wouldn't…but then of course…

DOUGLAS: I rather thought so.

ARTHUR: [stifled excitement]

DOUGLAS: I'm not even asking you, Arthur.

ARTHUR: But Douglas! I have a brilliant idea!

DOUGLAS: If by brilliant you mean—

ARTHUR [speaking over Douglas]: Martin, there's this BRILLIANT chap; he solves mysteries and chases bad guys and all sorts of things…Oh! you should read his blog. This chap—He could help you!

DOUGLAS: Arthur, what are you talking about?

ARTHUR: The Blog! He's a doctor from the army…and he has a friend…what was his name…

DOUGLAS: Listen, Martin. Give it to me, and I'll get rid of it for you and we'll make something of it along the way.

ARTHUR: I KNOW! It was JOHN WATSON! And his friend…he has a weird name…You have to go and ask and then you might even get on his blog! Douglas, let me have your phone, and I'll show you!

[several moments of clicking]

Douglas, how do you get to the o?"

DOUGLAS: Let me see that. Are you even on the internet, Arthur?

ARTHUR: No, hang on, I've got it—wait, who's Sophia, and who's "Chou Chou"? Did you get someone else's text?

DOUGLAS: Give that to me! I'll find it! Okay, tell me the name, again. But less eardrum-perforatingly loud this time, please.

ARTHUR: It's just called John Watson's blog…

DOUGLAS [clicking] : This?

ARTHUR: YES! BRILLIANT!

DOUGLAS: How is this man going to help us?

ARTHUR: Well, his friend. I think his page was called science and seduction or something. I can't remember. But John's blog is BRILLIANT!

DOUGLAS: Yes we've established that the blog is brilliant…but not helpful. Where—

ARTHUR: Just look at…oh! That's the chap. Sherlock Holmes.

[pause with sounds of clicking]

DOUGLAS: Actually, Martin, this does look promising. I think you should take the cat to him.

MARTIN: Why do I have to?

ARTHUR: I'LL DO IT!

DOUGLAS: No, Arthur, you won't.

ARTHUR: Why not?

DOUGLAS: Because we have to convince Holmes to take a ridiculous case about a cat

and I'm not sure you'll be eloquent enough if you even stop talking to Watson at all.

MARTIN: But…

DOUGLAS: And while, admittedly, you are no orator, Martin, you were the captain when the incident happened. I already gave you my solution, and you rejected it.

MARTIN: Yes. I am the captain and I'm sure Mr. Sherlock Holmes will recognize a real airline captain when he sees one.

DOUGLAS: Undoubtedly…


JOHN: So…you're doing what?

SHERLOCK: We're switching places so that I can go back to Walla Walla and examine the scene of the crime myself.

JOHN: Is that a good—

SHERLOCK: Even you noticed the resemblance, John. It will work perfectly. He'll do his best to impersonate me, and—

JOHN: Are you really sure you can handle that sort of blow to your image?

SHERLOCK: He may be an idiot—

MARTIN: What? I—

SHERLOCK:—but I'm sure you will be able to manage him.

MARTIN: I'm an airline—

SHERLOCK: Do shut up, Martin. I would never say that I was an airline pilot, so start to practice not mentioning it now.

JOHN: But he might mention being the world's only consulting detective once or twice. You could start practicing that…

SHERLOCK: I will be able to identify the source of the feline, as well as the identity of the tail you seem to have picked up, Martin. This case should be closed within 24 hours.

JOHN: Great. Anything else?

SHERLOCK: Oh, and be careful with him.

MARTIN: I can take care of my—

SHERLOCK: The cat, you idiot. Now start at least pretending to try to act like me, and we'll switch off.

MARTIN: Won't you have any trouble acting like an air—

SHERLOCK: No.


MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I'm…I'm not texting too much, am I?

JOHN: No, it's—it's not that. He texts all the time, but he doesn't peer down at his phone like that.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I'm so sorry…it's the cat. My eyes…she's making them all watery.

JOHN: Here, Sherlock must have some Benadryl around here somewhere…[rattling of medicine bottles] Ah…well, he opened it, but it looks safe. Worth taking.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Th-thanks.

[rattling of bottle]

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Do you have…

JOHN: You can get your own…I mean, the safe glasses are in that cupboard right over the microwave but don't touch anything on that—You know what, I'll get you some water.

[running tap]

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Thank you

[squish]

JOHN: UGH! What the—is this…Sherlock! What did you feed this cat?

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I- I didn't. I mean. Well he looked hungry and I saw…in the refrigerator and—

JOHN: From THAT refrigerator? Meat?

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, it looked—

JOHN: Martin, there is—

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: You should say Sher—

JOHN: I KNOW! But NEVER eat anything from that refrigerator unless you've put it there yourself or you've asked me first.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes. Got it.

JOHN: [under his breath] I guess I have to clean—

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: No, John! I'll get it. I can—[sounds of stumbling and knocking into beakers and opening drawers]

JOHN: I—Fine. Thank you. But just—well, in the future, I mean—Sherlock probably wouldn't…

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Wouldn't what?

JOHN: Never mind.


ARTHUR: Wow! This is brilliant!

DOUGLAS [tiredly]: Yes.

ARTHUR: We have MARTIN with us!

DOUGLAS: Remember what I told you about…I hate to call it "winking"…

ARTHUR: Of course, but you know…He might introduce us to his friend.

DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur—you do know that it's better that we not talk about this? Or maybe not to talk at all?

ARTHUR: Of course. Silence is my middle name.

DOUGLAS: And I suppose "genius" is your last?

ARTHUR: Arthur Silence Shappey. Genius. Yep, that's me.

DOUGLAS: [Dramatic sigh]

ARTHUR: DOUGLAS! LOOK AT THIS! A FORT! Do you think that MARTIN will want to go? There could be a mystery there!

DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur, that's a fort museum. There isn't actually a fort there.

ARTHUR: A museum! I love museums! I bet MARTIN does too.

DOUGLAS: Well, Arthur, no one's stopping you from going to a museum…

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN [panting]: I am. Arthur, we're doing what Sherlock said and not causing any unnecessary trouble.

DOUGLAS: This from the fellow who just got detained by Customs for four full hours?

ARTHUR: Do you think they figured out you were MARTIN?

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I am Martin.

ARTHUR: Yeah, but…you know…

DOUGLAS: Anyway, I'm going to a Starbucks or something.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I thought you hated Starbucks?

DOUGLAS: Yes, but at least I know what it is. I don't trust anything else out here in the wilderness.

ARTHUR: Oh look, there's one near the fort!

DOUGLAS [quietly]: Did you teach him how to use a GPS, Martin?

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: No. And Arthur, we're not going to the fort!

ARTHUR: Ooh!

DOUGLAS: You know, you could go there by yourself.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: No, he can't! I actually want to go home, Douglas!

DOUGLAS: You can't until everything's been resolved. You said so yourself.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: When did I—oh! Right. I did.

DOUGLAS: Well, if you want to go with him, we'll hire a car. You can drop me off at Starbucks.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: [sigh] Fine. Come on, partner.


[sound of door opening as well as sound of someone bouncing up and down]

JOHN: All right, the cat's upstairs, so you shouldn't have to worry about…what the…

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: The fuselage of the aeroplane is a long, thin body, often cylindrical, and usually with tapered or rounded ends to make its shape aerodynamically smooth.

JOHN: Why are you…?

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: A vertical stabiliser is a vertical surface mounted at the rear of the plane and typically protruding above it. The vertical stabiliser stabilises the plane's yaw and mounts the rudder which controls its rotation along that axis.

JOHN: Stop jumping!.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I don't…I mean…I—I think I must be having an allergic reaction to the er—

JOHN: [sigh] Side effect of the Benadryl. Just get off the sofa, okay?

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: A horizontal stabiliser or elevator, or tailplane, is mounted at the tail of the plane, near the vertical stabiliser. The horizontal stabiliser is used to stabilise the plane's pitch and mounts the elevators which provide pitch control. A fixed portion of the elevators may be omitted in which case it is termed an all flying tail.

JOHN: Martin!

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Some planes use a front-mounted canard instead of a rear-mounted—S-sorry, I just can't seem to focus long enough to…

JOHN: No, it's…it's fine. Sort of like Sherlock actually…though, maybe if you talked a bit more about death.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Never stand behind a jet engine?

JOHN: No, not really…Mortality statistics, maybe…

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: So, if I'm acting like Sherlock, maybe I should take more Benadryl later?

JOHN: That might be a good…

[sound of body hitting the floor]

JOHN: Yeah, never mind…you just…sleep it off…


ARTHUR: That was BRILLIANT! Let's go through again!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Arthur…look, we're in the gift shop, don't you want to—

[sound of running feet]

ARTHUR [from farther away]: WOW!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I was going to say "find a cup of tea," but—

ARTHUR: A REAL coonskin! I CAN BE BUNGALOW BOB!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Arthur, it's Bungalow—

ARTHUR: I'm getting one!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Fine, Arthur, just let me answer this text…

ARTHUR: Hey, Skip! Do you want some ice cream? Like what you get in the cinema, but WE AREN'T IN A CINEMA!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Er…well…what kinds are there?

ARTHUR: AT LEAST FIFTY!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Just…I don't…

ARTHUR: PEANUT BUTTER PANIC!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Eugh! Arthur, just—Just get me vanilla!

ARTHUR: Righto Yeehaw Skip!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Now if I can just find the "send" button…

ARTHUR: Hey, Skip—remember the time we were off without Douglas and you let the air out of the tires under the bridge?

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: What? No, I—stupid phone…

ARTHUR: Oh, right, MARTIN!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I have explained to you that that isn't winking, right?

ARTHUR: Wow! You're good, pardner! Have y'all self ya'll some y'all ice cream!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Arthur, this tastes horrible! I said I wanted vanilla.

ARTHUR: I know but I saw this kind, and it sounded much

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Arthur, you can't mean…

ARTHUR: I mean, Imagine! If there really were blue bunnies! It'd be BRILLIANT! And look, it comes with its own little spoon!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: [groan] Well, I'm going to—

ARTHUR: LOOK, Martin! PEMMICAN!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Seriously, Arthur. I'm going to find the loo!

[fading sounds of ARTHUR GLEE!]


JOHN: Yes…yes…okay we'll be right in.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: What was that? Who…where are we going?

JOHN: That was Lestrade. We're going to New Scotland Yard because he has some information. Now, Martin, Lestrade knows about this, but no one else does, so you're going to have to be…well…just be mysterious and rude and…Sherlocky

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, yes, of course. How do I…

JOHN: For starters, don't be as quick to say "yes." And insult them. A lot.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I'm sure I can—

JOHN: I'm sorry Martin, but you're too nice. You're going to have to try to be a bit more of a git. Act like you think you're the most important person in the room!

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: But I'm used to that! I'm the captain.

JOHN: Yes, well you don't really act like it.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: But—

JOHN: Martin. This is serious! [pause] Also…when you walk by mirrors, be sure to peek at them.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I don't do tha—

JOHN: No, Sherlock does. I've seen him.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: O-okay.


BARISTA AT STARBUCKS: A pilot? Then you must be the captain!

DOUGLAS: Yes, that would seem to be the logical conclusion, mademois—

[phone rings]

DOUGLAS: One moment…Hello, Martin. You have impeccable timing.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Douglas, I've lost Mar—I mean Arthur!

DOUGLAS: How do you lose a grown—

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: ARTHUR!

DOUGLAS: Have you tried calling very loudly?

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Yes.

DOUGLAS: Look, I'm sure he's just playing Cowboys and Indians or some other equally puerile American—

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I've been through the museum twice over, the gift shop three times, the men's toilet. I was going to try the lad—

DOUGLAS: Yes, yes, I see your point. Clearly I'm going to have to come over and sort it out.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: No, that won't be necessary—I have everything under control.

DOUGLAS: Which is, presumably, why you called. [whispering] Martin would almost certainly have been stupid or unlucky enough to lose Arthur. So, bravo for that. But if you think you can get away with this just because you're in character! You do know I could make your life quite miserable if I called any of your relations…Sherlock?

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Do…er, do you want me to find him, then?

DOUGLAS: Obviously. Call me when you're done.


[sounds of papers falling]

JOHN: Sherlock!

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I'm so sorry! I'm so, so…Here, let me help…

[sounds of other stuff falling]

JOHN: No it's fine. It's fine, just help me with these…Oh! Look at this picture. Sherlock, isn't that the cat…

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Y-ye-no, it's a different cat. Ours is back at the flat

JOHN: I meant the breed.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, of course, the Calarac…

JOHN: [whispered] CARACAL!

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, the very caracal we have at the flat. What are two of them doing—

JOHN: [whispered] Just…stop talking, Sherlock wouldn't…

LESTRADE: [loudly to cover up] Picture was taken two days ago; woman in Tower Hamlets was fined for unsanitary living conditions due to too many cats.

JOHN: Really…You know, this is an unusual breed. Can I just…

LESTRADE: Take as many pictures as you like. At least I don't have to explain missing evidence…

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: So…what did you bring us in for? [pause] Whatever it is I'm sure it's pathetic…

LESTRADE: Sherlock, we're not…

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Sorry! I mean…I didn't mean…

JOHN: [whispering] No, you were doing well.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I mean you're all stupid! And I'm not.

JOHN: [whispering] Could you be a little…oh, this will never fool anyone!

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: What are you on about, you imbecile! I should never have…

[text alert]

JOHN: [loudly] Sherlock! What about the cat? You seemed interested in that?

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Hmm?

JOHN: Could you look up from your phone for one minute and…

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, so, as you brainless bunch might have noticed, this cat is clearly not the normal cat-lady fare. So…we should go to…Where is this lady, Lestrade?

LESTRADE: Winterfield Apartments, in Tower Hamlets. I'll text you the address.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: So we should go there, and interview her. I won't be needing you Lestrade. Or any of your brainless…policemen…people? Policepeople…Anyway, John and I…

JOHN: Let's just go, then?

[door shutting]

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: How did I do?


INTERCOM VOICE: Attention, Ladies and Gentlemen, Fort Walla Walla has now closed. Please make your way to the nearest exit,

[door being locked, followed by a toilet flush]

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN [on the phone]: Come in, M. This is double oh-seven. The—

DOUGLAS [on the phone]: Yes, Martin. You just managed to elude capture by a seventy-year-old lady who volunteered to knock on the loo door and ask if everyone had left. How are your brilliant powers of deduction helping you find Arthur?

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Douglas, not now. I've got to…Douglas! There's a hat here, in that roped off area—

DOUGLAS: Martin, there are hats—

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: No! It wasn't there before! I saw! It's Arthur's!

DOUGLAS: Arthur didn't bring his—

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: The coonskin cap! He…he bought it, in the shop! He must still be here!

DOUGLAS [very threatening voice]: Well, you keep working. And let me know when you've deduced his location.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Douglas, I—

[phone off sound]

Fine. I will.


[door; car starting]

JOHN: Besides, there was no reason to talk about aeroplanes.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I couldn't think of anything…

JOHN: Aeroplanes! I think she thought—

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Oh no! You think she suspected?

JOHN: No, she thought you were mad. [pause] Not…that Sherlock isn't mad, just…it was different mad…I don't think we got any useful information from her.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Th-the shelter! She told us about the shelter

JOHN: Yes, the shelter that we already knew about from the article…Sherlock probably would have gone on about the bite marks on her arm. You spilled tea all over it.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Well…the bite marks? We saw the bite marks?

JOHN: A crazy cat lady with bite marks on her arm…honestly, I'd have been shocked if they weren't there. Now when we get to St. Francis Animal Centre, I'll do the talking. You just…pretend you're the most important person in the room.

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I told you already, I don't have to pretend! I'm the captain!

JOHN: Yes, anyway…Don't touch anything. And you'll do fine…You did do well with the allergies. The medicine must be working.

[sneeze]

JOHN: Eugh! No! Not the…now I'm going to have to get that dry-cleaned, you know.


ARTHUR: No! That's not how it works! You have to dig your way out with a spoon!

[ringtone: Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime…]

ARTHUR: Hey guys! Bill! I can't reach my phone. It could be important!

BILL: Where is it?

ARTHUR: In my pocket.

BILL: I'm not reaching into your pocket!

[ringtone: Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime…]

SAM: Just get it, Bill. I don't want to hear it!

ARTHUR: Douglas says it's the most beautiful sound to be made by human beings.

[ringtone: Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime…]

SAM: Bill, answer it!

BILL: Fine. [fumbling] Here, I'll hold it for you.

ARTHUR: Just a little closer to my face, please.

BILL: Okay.

ARTHUR: HULLO, DOUGLAS!

BILL: Aaugh!

ARTHUR: I COULD TELL IT WAS YOU BECAUSE I GOT A SPECIAL RINGTONE! DO YOU LIKE IT? IT'S FROM THAT ONE OPERA ABOUT THAT CHAP WITH THE MASK!

DOUGLAS: Leaving aside the fact the offensive suggestion that Andrew Lloyd Webber writes opera, did it ever occur to you that I can't hear your ringtone?

ARTHUR: OH! DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE RINGBACK?

DOUGLAS: No! Don't buy it! [aside] Why am I even doing this…[sigh] Arthur, are you alright?

ARTHUR: I'M BRILLIANT! SAM AND BILL HAVE ME TIED UP AND WE'RE—

DOUGLAS: Why did I…Can I talk to Sam or Bill?

ARTHUR: SURE! BILL, DO YOU WANT TO—

SAM: Gimme the phone! Hello?

DOUGLAS: Hello, sir. I am Douglas Richardson, and Arthur is a friend of mine. What do you want with him? If you are punishing him for his crimes against good taste, I understand. But you don't sound cultured enough to be doing that.

SAM: Huh? [loud whisper] Bill, I don't get this guy. He has some sort of accent. Can you understand him?

BILL: Dunno.

SAM: I'm putting him on speaker. [speaking normally] If you don't give us what we want, we'll kill him. Meet us at Westfield Mall, and bring your other friend—the detective. Hand him over, and we'll let this guy go. Oh, and give us five hundred dollars, too, or he gets a knuckle sandwich. Each.

DOUGLAS: Shall we see you there in three hours, then?

SAM: Yeah.

ARTHUR: NO! DOUGLAS! WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW! THE FORT IS BRILLIANT! AND I—

BILL: Shut up!

DOUGLAS: Oh, at the fort, you say? Never mind, then! I'll see you a lot sooner, Arthur—I'm sure our friend the detective is planning your rescue as we speak…Goodbye!

ARTHUR: You can put the phone back now, Bill.


JOHN: You shouldn't have asked to see the body. She was crying already!

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Isn't that what Sherlock would have done?

JOHN: Yeah…but…couldn't you have been more yourself? There is only so much crying I can take in a day!

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: But how…that's not f—

[walking feet]

LESTRADE: So what have you got for me?

JOHN: Oh! Er…dead end. They put the cat down.

LESTRADE: You mean he hasn't explained to you how this is all secretly important?

JOHN: Well…

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I did! I did, but…he was too thick to understand it.

LESTRADE: Yes, Sherlock. For once I wasn't talking about you, though…[whispering] This is even worse than that time he pretended he'd gone deaf for three days after that explosion just to see what we'd do. At least then we could see him.

JOHN: Well, all I've got is that it's vicious. They had to put it down when it escaped an apparently escape-proof shelter and killed a pair of chinchillas in a house the street over.

LESTRADE: [snicker]

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: It was horrible! I mean, I mean, losing the trail like that, not the poor chin-

[phone buzzes]

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK [continuing]: Yes, what is [cough] You what?…Suing? But…but I didn't…Arthur had the fire extinguisher…I will! I'll take care—Carolyn, please…Yes, I understand but…okay, I'll be there . [phone off. very distressed] I'm sorry John, Inspector. I just…I can't…

JOHN: It's all right, Sherlock. You do this all the time, remember?

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: No, I can't pretend any longer. I- I'm going!

JOHN: Sherlock, don't! This is for your own—Oh, sh—Sherlock! Come back!

LESTRADE: Long day?

JOHN: He can't be on his own. I'm going after him. Sorry!


SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: He's in the fort, but how am I going to get him out? Need a plan…planning now…

DOUGLAS: Sherlock! Nice to see you've at least deduced where he is.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: You told me where he was.

DOUGLAS: Yes. You can't detect sarcasm either, I see.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Besides, I'm not Sherlock! I'm Martin!

DOUGLAS: Yes, well, the men who captured Arthur would beg to differ, so that little dissimulation is moot now. We need a plan, and we need it—

[ring]

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Aaaagh!

DOUGLAS: It's just your phone, Martin. Answer it!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: H-h-hello! Martin Crieff speaking.

JOHN [on the phone]: Sherlock, I've lost Martin.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Wait, how can you have lost Martin? I'm right here!

JOHN: Sherlock, it's fine, I'm in the loo, so no one can hear us. Just tell me what to do. He's blown his cover!

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: But you don't understand, I'm Martin!

JOHN: Sherlock, there's no time for this right now. I've told you.

MARTIN: [whispered] It's John! What should I—

DOUGLAS: Good evening, John—or should I say morning, for you. This is Detective Hardy, speaking for his colleague, Detective Laurel. I might add that I am apparently the more competent of the two, a fact which I hope you will place in your blog.

JOHN: At this point, I just might. Look, Douglas, Martin got a phone call—

DOUGLAS: From Carolyn? Yes, I received one on my way here.

JOHN: Yes, and then—

DOUGLAS: There was a death on our plane a few years back. They have just now decided to sue MJN.

JOHN: That would explain the running off.

DOUGLAS: He ran off?

JOHN: He said he couldn't do it anymore.

DOUGLAS: Carolyn has insurance—we can't fly without it. It's not a big deal.

JOHN: But why would they sue you now? And shouldn't Martin know that Carolyn has insurance?

DOUGLAS: Never underestimate Martin's ability to panic at precisely the wrong moment.

JOHN: Yes, I'm starting to see that. This babysitting—I just want to go home and make a cup of—Oh sh—Sherlock told me to look after the cat. I completely forgot about it.

DOUGLAS: I'm sure it will survive on its own for a few hours.

JOHN: Yes, so why—Douglas! What if it's the cat?

DOUGLAS: What if it is the cat?

JOHN: Sherlock doesn't care about animals. There must be something…

DOUGLAS: The lawsuit! Hybris Industries are suing us for negligence in the death of its employee. They are in weapons manufacture…and I've heard nasty rumors about them before.

JOHN: You don't think the cat…is a weapon, do you?

DOUGLAS: It's a cat. It is a weapon.

JOHN: Well, we can leave that to Sherlock. The point is that Martin has run off, and there are still men—possibly very dangerous men—out looking for him. I'm going to try and stop him before anything happens. Where do you think he ran to?

DOUGLAS: Oddly enough, he may be going straight towards Hybris Industries. As I said, he panics. It leads to poor decision-making.

JOHN: And even if he isn't, those men might take him there. If we're right about the cat…Well, it's the best lead we've got, so that's where I'm going. Tell Sherlock from me that he's a berk.

DOUGLAS: With pleasure.

[phone off]

DOUGLAS: I hope you're pleased we managed to deduce that, Martin.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Of course I am!

DOUGLAS: The question is why you didn't tell us sooner and stop Sherlock—who, by the way, is a complete berk—from endangering himself.

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Look, Douglas, there's something I need to tell you…


JOHN: No, Lestrade, I'm not waiting for backup—Martin doesn't know what he's getting into, and by the time you can respond—

[someone talking on phone]

Yeah, I know. Just get here as soon as you can. I'm sure I can handle it until then.

[muffled shouting and blows]

JOHN: I hear—hurry!

[Door kicked open. Sound increases in volume.]

JOHN: [shouting] Everyone drop your weapons! You're surrounded!

THUG 1: Keep working on that one. This one's mi—

[punch]

[A series of indistinct scuffling and punching noises follows, among which, in order, the following can be distinguished: a gun clattering to the ground, a switchblade being opened, a body hitting the floor, and a body being slammed against the wall.]

JOHN AND THUG 2: Nnnngggggh…

[a gunshot, followed by a long pause]

JOHN:…Martin? Where did you get that gun?

MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Honestly, John, you have terrible timing.

[pause]

SHERLOCK AS MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Nice work on the ringleader, though.

JOHN: What the…

SHERLOCK: As soon as I saw that pitiful excuse for an airline pilot I knew there was no way he could pretend to be me with any effectiveness. So I stayed here and pretended to be him. You should be ashamed that you didn't notice, though it only proves once again that you and Lestrade always see, but never observe.

JOHN: Shut up, Sherlock.

SHERLOCK: It's true. I am almost shocked that you didn't notice that I am several inches taller than that first officer—

JOHN: Captain!

SHERLOCK: Than Martin Crieff.

JOHN: Then who was texting me all this time? That's not your phone!

SHERLOCK: Martin—but only on my express orders. How did you find out that I was here?

JOHN: I called you—well, Douglas—about the lawsuit. It's where Martin would've gone.

SHERLOCK: I'm astonished that you found this location. I know my brother thinks Douglas is at least somewhat intelligent, but the sheer importance of this case—No, you still don't know, do you?

JOHN: You—

[sounds of more shouting and running]

LESTRADE: POLICE! YOU'RE UNDER ARRE—

SHERLOCK: You sent for him, too?


ARTHUR: WOW, chaps! That was brilliant!

DOUGLAS: Yes, the fact that your "friends" released you voluntarily when Martin's shouting alerted them to the fact that Martin was not, in fact, Sherlock, does, indeed, make Martin and me brilliant.

ARTHUR: Yes, that was WONDERFUL acting, Sherlock! I can call you that now, right?

MARTIN: I told you, Arthur, I'm not actually Sherlock! We didn't really switch places!

ARTHUR: Well, it was brilliant, anyway.

DOUGLAS: I was shocked at how eager Bill and Sam were to let you go—well, no, not terribly.

ARTHUR: So was I! We were having fun together! They let me stay in the museum prison and everything! [continues chattering]

DOUGLAS: I was hoping they'd be willing to pay a ransom.

MARTIN: Yes, well, some of us are willing to help their friends without pecuniary incentive, Douglas.

DOUGLAS: Did you just use a five syllable word, Martin? You should pretend to be Sherlock more often!.

ARTHUR [who has been chattering on in the background throughout Martin and Douglas's fight]: And they weren't going to do it properly, you see. But I told them, if this is a kidnapping, we ought to do it right! And they agreed, eventually, so I was so glad I had my spoon from my ice cream. And they had to use their hands. And then we played Old Yeller and I didn't want to shoot Sam but I had to!

DOUGLAS: Very eager to let you go.

MARTIN: So, what's the plan now?

DOUGLAS: You're the one with Sherlock's mobile.

MARTIN: Oh, right! Let me see…well, obviously we should head back to London. Carolyn's there, and—oh, how are we going to pay for all those fees?

DOUGLAS: Actually, I think I have a plan…


[sounds of voices behind a door]

MARTIN: Remember, I only said you could come with me if you promised not to embarrass me. So don't ask John for his autograph—or at least wait until a better time. And try not to shout very loudly. And—

ARTHUR: Of course, Martin! I would never [sound of door opening] JOHN! CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR AUTOGRAPH! I BROUGHT MY AUTOGRAPH BOOK AND EVEN PRINTED OUT SOME OF YOUR BLOG POSTS! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THE TITLES?! STUDY IN PINK? BRILLIANT!

MARTIN: [groan]

MYCROFT: I didn't know you were so famous, John. It's fortunate that I was not injured when your fan came through the door.

SHERLOCK: No it isn't.

MYCROFT: Really Sherlock, I—

ARTHUR: WERE YOU HERE FOR AN AUTOGRAPH FROM JOHN? JOHN WOULD YOU PLEASE MAKE IT OUT TO CAPTAIN BRILLIANT?!

JOHN: I—

MARTIN: I'm flattered, Arthur, but I don't really want John's autograph

ARTHUR: No, no, that's me! That's my secret crime fighting identity!

SHERLOCK: You and John would get along, then.

JOHN [hissing]: Sherlock!

MYCROFT: Well, I do know who you are now. Douglas has spoken about you. I am sure you appreciate that he is an excellent captain…

MARTIN: [splutter]

MYCROFT:…but I never understood why he went in for this aeroplane flying. A monkey could do it!

MARTIN: Gaah!

MYCROFT: Do give him my best! And tell him that if he does get bored, the British government could still use him. Now, if you don't mind, I'll be taking the caracal into custody. Oh, and don't worry about any losses you suffered during this expedition. You will be reimbursed.

[door shuts]

JOHN: Anyway, now that he's taken the cat: I think I missed the part where Sherlock explains everything and tells us why we were all so incredibly idiotic not to think of it ourselves?

ARTHUR: YES, YES! TELL US NOW! THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PART!

SHERLOCK: [clears throat]

ARTHUR: That was BRILLIANT!

JOHN: [snort]

MARTIN: Be quiet, Arthur!

SHERLOCK: Well, clearly, those men outside were after Martin, because they had not followed me home. And they appeared when he did. But they wouldn't be after an incompetent airline pilot, so it had to be the caracal, which I admit had piqued my curiosity to begin with—very rare animal in the UK. Its weight was off, too—I suspected tampering, though I didn't know what. Its vomit—

JOHN: You made that cat vomit on purpose!

SHERLOCK: Yes, and my tests on the vomit revealed unusual enzymes in the saliva. But even before I did my chemical analysis, my suspicions were confirmed: The previous escaped caracal who had lived with the old lady was too aggressive—even for a cat. There are a number of different military operations attempting to genetically modify animals for better effectiveness in the field. Hybris Industries does research in that field, so, when I learned they were planning to sue MJN air, it was the simple conclusion.

JOHN: And the interviewing, and making young women cry was just for your amusement, of course.

SHERLOCK: She wasn't actually chatting you up when we arrived, so no need to defend her. I had to throw the men from Hybris Industries off the scent.

MARTIN: So…why did you send us back to Walla Walla?

SHERLOCK: More red herrings for the corporation. Also, my brother paid for it.

JOHN: Ah.

ARTHUR: AND IT WAS BRILLIANT! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PUT THIS IN YOUR BLOG, JOHN?

JOHN: Erm…

MARTIN: He will eventually. I think…I think we should just…

[Door opens. Sounds of feet on stairs and Arthur's voice never quite stopping.]

JOHN: Whew.

SHERLOCK: That went pretty well, I think.

JOHN: And this time I had the fan club.

SHERLOCK: One person. And a more than usual idiot. Don't let it get to your head.

JOHN: Shut up.

SHERLOCK: Aye, aye, Captain. [pause] So, curry?


CAROLYN: Well, well—congratulations, boys—you managed not to bankrupt MJN. This time, at least.

DOUGLAS: Does that mean we'll be getting a bonus?

CAROLYN: That means you will not have to allow all 200 of these crested ducks to ride in the cabin with you. The hold is fixed, and if we are very, very lucky, Gertie will no longer smell of onions by next Tuesday.

DOUGLAS: Yes. Well, no thanks to Martin, who has the singular misfortune of resembling Sherlock Holmes. Or Arthur, who has the singular misfortune of being himself.

ARTHUR: Hey! I think it's GREAT to be me.

DOUGLAS: Precisely my point. No, you all have me to thank that Mycroft even paid us for the expense in the first place.

MARTIN: How? You weren't even there!

DOUGLAS: I called him, of course. He's an old friend from Eton.

MARTIN: Of course. How is it that you know everyone, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Because, Martin, it is a little known fact that the Richardson family has a strain of telepathy.

ARTHUR: Wow! Is that like…mind powers?!

DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur. Mind powers

ARTHUR: Do you hear that?! Douglas has MIND POWERS. SECRET Mind powers.

MARTIN: They're not secret anymore.

ARTHUR: Oh…Still, it's only us, and we're like family.

DOUGLAS: No. We're not.

ARTHUR: Oh, right! Because we have Sherlock Holmes on board with us, right?

MARTIN and DOUGLAS and CAROLYN: Arthur!

ARTHUR: Don't worry, Sherlock. Your secret will be safe with me!

MARTIN: [groan]


That was Cabin Pressure by John Finnemore, it starred Stephanie Cole as Carolyn; Roger Allam as Douglas; Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock, Sherlock as Martin, Martin as Sherlock, Sherlock as Martin as Sherlock, and Martin; Martin Freeman as John; and John Finnemore as Arthur.

It also starred Mark Gatiss as Mycroft, Rupert Graves as Lestrade, Oliver Porter as Bill, William Henry as Sam, and Lara Pulver as the Starbucks Barista.

The producer was David Tyler and the program was a Pozzitive Production for the BBC! ( www dot youtube dot com /watch?v=BzyuWXSBWp8 )


A/N: For a prequel-esque ficlet, see "This Week London!" at my profile.