Disclaimer: anything you recognize isn't mine.
The Only Way to Heal
the lost dreams are buried in my sleep for him / and this was the ecstasy of a love forgotten
Ellie Goulding, "My Blood"
"You just don't belong in my world, Bella."
The mental image of Edward makes my eyes burn with tears. Tears of anger and regret and pain. The memories are so vivid. So alive. The memories are always there, whether I want them to be or not. Do I?
It's almost like he's not gone. Do I want to feel that?
His eyes are pools of liquid gold, permanently etched into my mind. I can't escape.
I've made up my mind. I want to escape. Only these chains can set me free.
Breaking old chains is easier said than done.
As I drive to Jacob's house slowly, lethargically, I want to fly. I want to spread my wings and break the chains that are holding me between the point of living and the point of dying.
Is this what Edward planned all along? To keep him in my thoughts? To slowly but surely murder me without even being here? The hole in my chest can't be filled or patched up, but I can try. Jacob can try.
Edward was right about something, though. I don't belong in his world. I belong in the world of living, breathing, and loving.
This sudden realization almost makes me swerve the truck off the road.
I deserve better.
I don't deserve to cry myself to sleep. I don't deserve to have nightmares and wake up screaming. I don't deserve to slowly die. Nobody deserves that.
I deserve to live, and I deserve to enjoy living.
I deserve to breathe, and I deserve to heal.
I floor the gas, and even as the truck doesn't drive that fast, anyway, I feel like I'm flying. Finally. Only God knows I can't die now. Breathing is the only way to heal.
It's like an alarm is ringing through my head. Ding, ding, ding! It's time to live, Bella! It's time to be human, Bella!
Edward wants me to be human, so I'm going to be human. In fact, maybe this isn't even about what Edward wants. I want to be human, too. I should be first, not him.
As I finally approach Jacob's house, I can feel the excitement coursing through my blood. I'm sizzling on a snare. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of feeling dead. I'm going to be human. Thriving, breathing, loving, healing.
The feeling that never goes away—that feeling of never, ever being enough—finally goes away. I feel stripped of my worries. Stripped of my fears.
I mindlessly fling myself into Jacob's arms as soon as I exit the truck. This is natural. This is human. I can finally breathe.
Edward was so, so right about what he told me; I really don't belong in his world.
I don't want to.