Lost at a Certain Angle

I love him.

I love him even if he breaks my heart everyday.

I love him even though he takes advantage of my kindness every single time.

I love him even if I hear him doing things with other girls in his home, and on some occasions, in my own.

I'm just an idiot, really.

An idiotic best friend.

I'll say yes even if I know I'll get hurt.

"I have this new girl," he'll say.

And I'll smile and ask, "Who's she?"

He'll describe her. Her assets, her personality.

But mostly, he'll describe her skills.

In bed.

I'll have to laugh then; I'll have to act interested like any other boy would.

But he doesn't know.

He doesn't know that I hate all the girls he has sex with. Never mind the fact that he's not serious with any of them; I'm just jealous, really.

"Atsushi, how long will you last like this?" I'll ask.

"I don't know." He'll reply.

And I'll smile.

And I'll tease him.

"Settle down with a steady girlfriend already!" Or maybe with me.

"Hm. Not interested." He'll say nonchalantly.

Then my heart will swell within me, and I'll chuckle.

It hurts so fucking bad.

And the funny part is: I still love this asshole.

Even if he shows off a new girl everyday; I'll love him.

Even if he treats my apartment sometimes like a fucking love hotel; I'll love him.

"How about you, Muro-chin? You seem like the type to be a devoted boyfriend."

"I'm in love with someone, Atsushi. The problem is, the person doesn't know."

"Ehh, what an idiot. I'd go for you."

With those kinds of comments, he makes my hopes go up.

...Only to plummet down again at the mention of some new girl's name.

Another conquest.

Another piece of my heart shattered.

"You're such a kind friend, Muro-chin. I feel happy to have you."

"Me too, Atsushi." More than you'll ever know.

Funny how he's my sunshine and the rain on my parade at the same time.

He makes my heart beat; then he squeezes it.

He makes me smile; then he turns it into a frown.

He makes me go crazy; then he slams me back to reality.

Fuck him. Just... fuck him.

But still...

...I love him anyway.