HI. Ok, answer time -

ItsRandom - Nope, I wrote 15 chapters and that is it. c: So, 5 chapters left.

Chatterbox5038 - I LIKE YOUR SHOELACES. Also, your review made me god damn HAPPY.

BlueIsMyFavoriteNumber - I love you for reviewing so much sdhjsakdh. Also, nope, Shizuo is not taking it. As much as I love Izuo, this fic is entirely Shizaya. xD I just like the devilish 'I get whatever the fuck I want when I want it' Izaya. xD

Itachifan Incognito - As I said, nope, Shizuo is top. 8D


Now, I know I'm fully responsible for the feels in this chapter. I didn't want to write this part at first, but I see it essential to the story. That's how you develop a character - by being mean to them. I'm sorry. But it's going to be okay, alright? It's not the only plot twist in the story, teehee.

Disclaimer: DON'T OWN DRRR.


I waited for him. My hands were sweating. I couldn't eat or drink. I was excited, of course. Izaya showed explicit interest in me which meant this was really happening. And the way he told Namie off… Oh man, my feelings were all over the place.

So this was how soul-mates worked? This is real happiness, the wanting, the craving? I sure as hell hoped it was like this to everyone. I felt like I was dreaming and the dream was the best thing happening to me. I had to pinch myself to know all of this was actually true.

Simon approached me. "Shizuo alone? Sushi?"

I shook my head. "I'm waiting for someone, maybe later."

He smiled and exhaled. "You happy. You good?"

I nodded. He left me with my thoughts. God, was I happy. I still felt Izaya on my lips, his trembles under my fingers, his flushed skin. I never really thought I could be attracted to a man. I guess it was meant to be.

Every time the door opened and closed I would pop my head up in hope that I would see his raven hair. Two hours passed. I was already having doubts. Maybe he wouldn't come. Maybe he changed his mind about us. It felt like my heart broke when thoughts like that clouded my mind. I tried staying positive. It's so hard trusting a person you hated all of your life.

Just when I was freaking out inside, I heard another ding and finally – my eyes caught the red irises, directed at me. I smiled immediately, hoping his face would light up as well. But it didn't.

He took his jacket off, inching closer to me. My breath caught in my throat. I felt something coming.

"You're here," I said and he lifted his beautiful eyes at me again.

"Shizu-chan," he hushed. "You shouldn't have come."

He sat down in front of me and I reached for his hand across the table. He didn't hesitate to wrap his fingers with mine. The ache to keep touching him ate me from within. Why did he look so hollow?

"I told you not to come, and now –" he let go of my hand and hit the table. Old Izaya was gone. This was something new, nothing I've ever witnessed before. This was a vulnerable Izaya.

"What do you mean?" I said. "You don't have to restrain yourself, we're destined –"

"What if I told you –" he took a deep breath. "What if I told you that everything we had from that night was fake?"

I froze. "None of that was fake."

He shook his head, clutching his hands. He was shaking a bit, so afraid of whatever was inside of his head.

Then, he looked into my eyes. I was shocked. His amazing irises, the whiteness of his eyes was covered in a substance which I didn't know existed in Izaya. Tears.

He stifled a cough and wiped the tears away. Izaya was back into his own skin. His devilish look returned. The Izaya I knew and hated.

"I bluffed the clocks," he said.

My world shattered.

I froze.

Everything froze.

The blood in my veins stopped pouring. I stopped breathing. All I could see was his face, his vulnerability and act. Surely, he was lying, what I felt couldn't be pretense –

"Did you hear me? I bluffed them. We're not destined. We never were. My clock stopped working three years ago," he said. I could see and hear the truth in his voice and face, but his knuckles were as white as mine. Maybe as white as my whole existence.

I started breathing. Slow, agonizing breaths. He wasn't lying.

"I stalked you, Shizu-chan," he said. "For forever. Waiting until I could finally see how pathetic you are, looking for your destined one. I was sure I could leave you alone, the only enemy I have who is a monster. The trick was to touch you when your clock stopped before your soul-mate did."

"You –" I started, but he held a hand up. His face was even whiter now. He looked like he was nauseous.

"And then, she didn't turn up. Probably dead way before it was possible for you two to meet up. It was my chance."

I wanted to die, I wanted to die, I wanted to die.

"Can't you see how perfect my plan would've gone? You alone for an eternity? You're so hard to kill, Shizu-chan." He whispered. His face was full of proudness and loathing, but his eyes were hollow. Why was he so hollow?

"I figured killing you with words and feelings was a better way," he said, leaning closer to the table. "Human manipulation."

I was silent. I was done with everything.

"But one thing went wrong," he said, slowly, weighing his words. "You acted human. You're not a monster. You're human. Which makes you boring, like everyone."

With those words he got up. Took his coat and stormed out.

I was in a dark paralysis of my own mind. I could feel my insides burning, ending and dying. He was right. Killing with words was effective.

Then how come I thought about his touch? Why was I so drawn to him? Why did I give my heart to a person who wasn't even destined to me?

There are times when you act upon your own intentions. There are times when you act upon other's intentions.

I was ready to become the monster Ikebukuro created.


What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

What's wrong with me.

I ran. I ran so fast. I jumped from building to building. I was so caught up in these feelings I have never had before. Why was he so human? I thought I could pull this off. I thought this was the right decision, but why did this hurt so much?

Why did it hurt so much walking away, after I told him the truth he deserved to hear?

I collapsed on one of the roofs I needed to pass and started shouting. There was nothing left inside of me. I broke.

I broke.


I managed creeping up to Shinra's apartment. It was the only place left in my head after Izaya…


He was haunting me. My heart hurt, my head hurt, my legs hurt. I needed Shinra and pills. I needed…



It was all a bluff. Nothing but a dream which came to be a nightmare. I was never supposed to meet her. I was never supposed to be with Izaya. All of this was a big lie. I lost all of the confidence I built up in all these years.

Fuck, I needed pills.

I knocked on Shinra's door and he opened it after the fifteenth one. I know, because I was counting.

"Shizuo, you look like crap." He attempted a laugh but stopped after he saw my stare. "Come in."

I did. I stopped in my tracks.

I fell.


Stop thinking. Stop. STOP.

No use. I got back to my apartment and held my head. I was not used to feeling so much. This was a new area for me. I was so caught up in whatever feelings that I had, I lost track of time and my orientation was blurry.

I fell to my knees in the living room, staring into nothing.

I have done this a million times. Played with humans, their reactions. Shizuo was the perfect choice.

His face appeared in front of me. I couldn't draw my eyes away. My insanity crept over and I could see him smiling – that real smile, addressed to me, no one else.

I laughed and felt my eyes tearing up again. It was so hard brushing them away and keeping them inside when I was with him, explaining the truth.

"It's alright," he said, wrapping his arms around me.

I wept, oh, how I wept. I tried clutching his shirt but he dissolved around me. I was left alone in my madness.

"What are you to me?!" I shouted into nothing. And nothing was silent. "WHAT ARE YOU, SHIZUO?"

He didn't answer. He was not there.

So why did I feel this new feeling, this thing I have mistaken and used for describing what I felt for humans?


I woke up in nothingness. I felt something covering my body. A sheet. A white one.

I looked up, remembering how my apartment looked. I was lying in my own bed.

Ah, a week has passed. I remembered calling Tom, telling him what happened and getting back to my place with Shinra's medicine. He gave me sleeping pills.

I considered taking one more and sleep through the day so I wouldn't have to meet my slow death.

I crashed seven vending machines. I destroyed a shop. I wrecked two cars.

I wrecked myself.

Tom told me to recover. Was taking sleeping pills a recovery?

Yes, it was.

I popped one into my mouth and fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.