TITLE: "Kinda Crazy"
PROLOGUE: "Clarity" by Zedd (prefer the Michelle Chamuel version than Foxes though; it's more intimate and focuses more on the lyrics than the music, in my opinion)
TV SERIES: 'Sons of Anarchy'
PAIRING: Jackson (Jax) Teller & Tara Knowles
CURSE ME!: Good Lord, baby Moses on a basket. I am very much going to regret this. So, this is what happens when I get a break: I get bored and need to imbed myself in a project. I know I have other stories I have not finished, but I NEED to get this out of my system and am more than sure it's gonna give me grey hair. I got hooked on S.o.A and I cannot take it back. It took me five days to finish all FIVE—yes, ALL five—seasons. I've been searching through FF for good Tara and Jax stories. I've found quite a bit good ones out there and decided to try my hand on it. So…please, bear with me. Here goes…
NOTE: This is a glimpse as to how the lives of Jax and Tara were before the first season, while they were in their teens. In the first season, you get the sense Tara was very much a "wild" child and I very much believe it had to do with Tara being around Jax; he brought that out of her. Considering her baggage, her youth, the closed-minded suffocating town, and Jax being in her life was all a recipe for disaster. This is the story. (I'm planning for a prologue, 10 chapters, and an epilogue)
DISCLAIMER: I own NOTHING. Sons of Anarchy and the characters in this story belong to someone else. I simply just love torturing myself.
TIME PERIOD: Sometime between episodes 1x10 ("Better Half") and 1x13 ("The Revelator"). These are Tara's thoughts which lead to the look back of her life.
It had taken every piece of restraint Tara contained to not reach up another inch and kiss Jax Teller a few months ago. He was emotional and looked more tired than she had ever seen him. He was wearing the exact same clothes he had worn the day before. He had come into the hospital three times that day, his clothes looking more used and dirty each time he walked in through those automatic doors. Tara had believed the stress Jax was under had to do with Abel, his newborn. However, now with many months gone by and the more she saw Jax, she knew it was something else. Yes, he was very much worried about his newborn, but there was another worry going on his head, and as always, he was not letting Tara know what it was. She wasn't surprised by this. He hadn't let her in before when they were going out; why would he now when they were simply friends?
It was the history they shared that told Tara Jax wanted to talk—NEEDED to talk—but she wasn't sure she was the person he wanted to do that with. And she wasn't so sure if she wanted to hear the kind of problems he was in.
Had she ever? Back when they were together, she wasn't sure if she had ever really wanted to know the whole truth of the motorcycle club Jax was a part of.
But, she wanted to help Jax. Or at least that's what she told herself in the beginning. She needed an excuse to talk to him. To find an excuse to walk over to him, see his smile and baby blues. She had always been a sucker for them, since the moment she met him when they were 16. It's what had first pulled her to him. She had a feeling he had always known this too. That's why he never looked away from her; loved to see her uncomfortable.
Every time they talked now, it was both a pleasure and a pain for Tara. Bittersweet memories would pop into her head whenever they locked eyes. Memories of her most happy times. But a time where she had been so lost and confused. Times with Jax that brought the best and worst out of her. She had been inside so much chaos, but somehow he had always been a clear image to her. And that piece of clarity drew her to him.
God, she was an idiot. This had happened to her over ten years ago. Did she really expect her reaction towards him would have changed? People had warned her this time around. And they had a lot of reasons to. Within two to three years of knowing and dating Jax Teller, Tara had gotten arrested three times, got away with shit she now wishes she hadn't, made poor decisions—it all almost cost her her education and had brought an end to something else she held dear. The parties, the fights, the alcohol, the sex, the games, the lies, the love. All of it. It had pushed her down a hole that took a good five years to climb out of.
Tara had never thought it had been just one reason as to why her life had been so wild when she was a teenager. It was a mixture of things. It had been her baggage, Charming, and Jax. She believed she could handle one thing at a time, but not all together. When she had decided to come back to town, she was grateful she had gotten over the daddy and mommy issues she had. It helped her father had died, it made it bearable to live in that house. She had grown up and now knew she was in charge of her own life. She could not blame her parents' poor decisions for her problems.
The people of Charming weren't as closed minded as they had been from Tara's memory either. They were easier to tolerate. Not to mention she didn't socialize with almost anyone. She spoke with coworkers and that was about it. Her old friends she had never kept in touch with and she didn't wish to reach out now. She didn't mind. She liked it this way,
Then, there was Jax. She had just arrived in town a couple of months ago. She had seen him on the street, arguing with some pregnant woman. The pregnant woman was Wendy, a girl Tara remembered from high school. It didn't take long for Tara to figure out they were married. That gave her the perfect excuse to not reach out to Jax and she believed Jax wouldn't reach out to her for the same reason.
How wrong she had been. Two days working in the hospital, which had been four days since her arrival back to Charming, Jax had strolled into St. Thomas and gave her a welcoming hug. Since that day, it seemed she saw him everywhere and they stroke up conversations. She felt safe doing so though. He was then married with a kid on the way.
But then she found out about Abel. She made small talk with him every chance she could.
She had to be honest now. The reason why she had initially gone to Jax had been because of the pull. She couldn't stay away. Not for too long. Not when he was this close to her.
And then Cohn came into town and that just set fuel to everything and led Jax and Tara to this state they were in now. The moment their lips touched once again after those 10 years, Tara's theory was confirmed. A kiss was never a kiss between them. It was an electrical charge which ignited so many complicated, heavy, but colorful feelings between them.
She was a goner now. It wouldn't mind her so much, but she knew he was in some deep shit. Before, there was the excuse that they were young, stupid, and impulsive. But they were almost 30 now. This wasn't right.
The life she had before, she didn't want it. She wasn't that girl anymore, Jax had said it. But he certainly wasn't the same guy from ten years ago either.
Tara stayed there, lying in bed with her arm wrapped around Jax's chest, thinking of her old life…. Their old life. And she wanted it, but was scared of it at the same time...
AN: I love the complicated world this is. I like going into the minds of the characters and I think these are the thoughts that run through Tara's mind right after hooking up with Jax. She's grown up, matured, and has gotten over her issues because, unlike Jax, she left Charming and got exposed to another world. There is another way to live and Tara sees that. (I might write later on about my feelings towards why she hasn't left after 2 years, but not now. This story is based on how Tara and Jax used to be.) Tara has made such great improvement and she's afraid that the hard work she's done of the last 10 years will be erased immediately and she'll be back to being the crazy and wild teenager she was with Jax.
However, as Jax said, "this [new relationship], can't be that [old relationship]." Even though Jax is very much secluded in this world, he is growing up. He wants to be with Tara and wants to make things work, but in order to do that, their past has to be looked at to see all the things they did wrong.
This is a look into their "I gotta be with you every minute or I'm gonna kill myself type of crazy" love they had in the late 90s. Enjoy!