Writer's notes - This is totally tongue in cheek, making a bit of fun at ME multiplayer, especially the old FB White gold camping.
Lights dimmed on a soundstage as news droid hovered over two figures seated at a coffee table. "This is Diana Allers, reporting from the Battlespace, where I am honored to be conducting an exclusive interview with Niftu 'Cannonball' Cal, the original biotic god. Cannonball, your success on the battlefield is now legendary," one figure said, leaning in towards a tiny, rotund figure. "Cannonball, please share with the Battlespace how you got started."
Cal glowed blue for the camera. "Well, Diana," he began, his voice sounding like he had a stuffy nose, "my legend…shhhhh…began on Illium. I was…shhhh…just a humble merchant dealing in red s…I mean pharmaceuticals. An Eclipse mercenary…shhhhh…Captain Wasea had hatched a devious plan…shhhh…to murder the beloved Commander Shepard. Perhaps you might know her. She's a…shhhhh…friend of mine."
"Yes, I'm attached to the Normandy."
"Oh…wonderful. So, Shepard comes up to me while…shhhh…I'm planning my attack on Captain Wasea. She says, 'Cal, you are a biotic god. Help me to take down the Eclipse mercs…shhhh…I can't do it without you.' I told her that I would toss Wasea around like a rag doll."
"Yes, the rest is…shhhhh…history."
"What a story, Cannonball. Let's take a look at clips from your recent battle. Tell the Battlespace what's happening."
A video began to play on a holographic screen and Call waved his tiny hands around. "Well, Diana, I'm down on an unnamed planet. You know…shhhh…classified mission. I'm with a batarian, a krogan and a turian."
"That, uhhh…sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. You know, a batarian, a krogan and a turian walk into a bar…. Oh, sorry. Nevermind."
"Hah, I think I've…shhhh…heard of that one. But anyway, those nasty Cerberuses were preparing to attack. Okay, let's look at the clip."
The film rolls to show Cal and the others huddled together behind a computer console while a snow storm raged outside. The batarian pointed out the door. "Bambi!"
"What's he saying?" asked the krogan.
The turian shrugged. "With that accent, who knows?"
Several shots flew through the door, nearly hitting them. Cal leapt over the counter. "Oh, he said, 'enemy.' I hate camping. It's time…shhhh…to get paid."
A disembodied voice came over the speakers. "With…desperate…urgency: A high…ranking…enemy…is…in…the vicinity…find those targets…take them…out."
"That elchor is always on the ball," Cal said as a Cerberus Dragoon came around the door. Cal unloaded a stream of glowing balls at the dragoon before he focused his power and flew into the enemy as if shot from a cannon. The dragoon barreled, head over heels back out the door, through the courtyard and over the cliff.
Voices called out from beyond the door. "We got wounded! We got wounded! Taking casualties! Objective lost!"
"With satisfaction: Good…job. Target eliminated. Expectant: We…have a new…target…on…the field. Take…him…out."
A woman then appeared out of nowhere and stabbed the batarian in the leg with a sword. "Nyaaah!"
"With disappointment: We still…have…an active…target…on the…field. Demanding: Get…a…move on."
Cal turned and hammered the woman with glowing balls. POOMPOOMPOOM. He then leapt at her like before, in his signature move, flinging her out the door and down the cliff.
"Gazzeeebabeecheee!" she screamed.
Cal scratched his head. "Ummm, did you…shhhh…say something?"
"Proud: Great work. All…targets…down. Desperately imploring: Shuttle inbound…get to…the extraction…zone."
The film clip faded and Diana gave a hearty applause. "Cannonball, that was something. You were so brave. You have brass biotic balls."
"They don't call me…shhhhh…the biotic god for nothing."