Disclaimer: I own nothing. Good enough?
Summary: She's too shy, too scared, and too invisible to make a move. With the help of her pesky, no-business-minding best friends, can this closeted wall flower finally have the picture perfect popular princess she has admired from afar for three years? Or will religious fanatics, opinions, and high school put an end to something that could be beautiful before it even starts?
Closets Are For Clothes
I lean against my locker and breathe in deep.
Everyday, she comes down this hallway with her clique of followers, unseeing of my eyes upon her every curve, her every movement, however slight it may be. Her every motherfucking beautiful breath. Maybe I'm creepy. Perhaps I'm a stalker...
Maybe I'm in spontaneous-love? I don't really know...
I just can't seem to stop. She is so-super-ultra perfect in the way she moves, the way she looks around all wide-blue-eyed innocent, and mushy kindness seeping from her pores. She's so sweet. So motherfucking sweet in the way she acts toward people. She treats everyone the same, no matter their clique. No matter what her little followers think. She loves everyone, I think literally. And when she is around, everyone stops what they're doing to impress her.
People will stop being bullies when she passes by, and become a fucking humane-being. It's marvelous to witness how one could become the polar opposite of themselves, become better. Just because some all-around-sweet-as-candy-canes girl walks by. She could start a revolution. A One Girl Revolution... Never thought that song would actually become relevant in real life. But she makes it so.
I can spend every minute of my miniscule life staring at her, hoping in fucking vain that she will just look my way, notice me. She never does, though. She's too busy paying attention to the people who actually exist. I don't think she realizes it. In fact I am sure that she doesn't. She's too much of a sweetheart-saint to just ignore the existence of someone. Even if that someone is me. I'm just non-existent. And I usually prefer it that way. I get by and no one gives me crap. No one teases me. No one taunts me. No one looks at me. How can you look at someone who doesn't exist? I can get by with no issues. To me, this is the good life. Or, it was.
Until three years ago, the start of high school, freshman year. She swept into town with a silver spoon in her mouth and a golden harp in her delicate little hands; The Angel, as I like to call her. Because honestly, one look and you can just see that she is one. There is no other words to describe her. She's an angel, sent down from Heaven to better people with her mere intoxicating presence.
Touched by the perfect hands of God. Untouchable by the hands of... me.
She had walked into the school, just a freshman herself, acting as if she owned the place. And she did. Everyone knew it. No one even tried to deny the little sweetheart her rightful role as queen. The very moment I cast my eyes upon her elfin-likeness I was enthralled. Captured by the sheer perfection of her. And because she was so beautiful, I had expected her to be vain. I had expected her to abuse the power she held over her peers.
She never did.
She never stepped out of bounds. She always kept it real. Still does. Always will.
She's simply sweet, and way too far out of my league.
I sigh when she passes me, waving to the group of girls next to me, not even glancing my way. I pull myself away from my locker when she turns into the adjoining hallway. I look down the other hall for the two people who actually know of my existence. I met them when I was three, so they never really had a choice in the matter. Our parents are all buddies, therefore, we are. I couldn't ask for two better than Jasper and Edward, though.
They should be coming soon... Just as the thought passes, they come come barreling through the front entrance door, big smiles on their model-movie-star faces. Perhaps that is why I am invisible? I hang out with two shining stars. Who would be able to see a spec in space with that bright light shining in their eyes?
I watch them with a large-longing smile on my face as they trample people in their little game of cat and mouse. Jasper ahead of Edward, laughing and loving every minute of their lovers game.
I can't help the giggle from bursting through my lips.
It isn't anything new, but it gives me heart-tickles and love-longing every time I witness it. Jasper and Edward are by far the cutest couple to ever walk into Forks High. Hell, to ever walk into Forks itself.
People in town, distastefully, call them the 'Jedward Monster.' Everyday, they show their love and affection for each other and they don't give a flying squirrel who sees. It's fucking amazing and part of the reason I love them so damn much.
Edward chases Jasper through the halls, gaining the attention and dissatisfaction of our fellow peers. They don't care about the whispers that are aimed their way. They don't care about the sideways glances as Edward makes a playful grab for Jasper's baggy jean-clad bubble butt. Jasper squeaks in a very unmanly fashion, but totally unrepentant as he slyly-shyly smiles at the other half of his soul over his shoulder. He quickly turns around on Edward and slaps him across the face with his bright yellow binder.
Edward, as usual, is not at all fazed. He just laughs and grabs his same-sex-love-buddy by the two front loops of his jeans and pulls him in for a searing kiss that makes my face light up in a feverish blush. They make me wish I was more free. Like them. Not so enclosed in on myself.
They make me wish I had the bravery it takes to tell the world that: "YEAH, I'm gay! What of it?"
But... I don't. That would get me noticed in this one-Starbucks town. And not in any good kind of way. In a town like this, same sex relationships are frowned upon. Horribly so. No one goes on witch hunts or tries to burn them at the stake, but they'll sit you down and throw holy water at you.
'The power of Christ compels you' kind of stuff. Damn religious morons here, I swear.
Jasper spies me huddling into myself, hovering near the safety of my dented-in locker. He smirks and waves at me, grabbing Edward by the front of his pants, dipping his fingers slightly into the waistband of his too-tight skinnies, and all I can think is 'I wish someone would touch me that way.' And I think we all get that that someone is...
"So I saw Alice a few minutes ago. She is lookin' good today, huh?" Edward wags his eyebrows suggestively, wrapping the arm that isn't in Jasper's back pocket around my shoulders.
I grimace. "Shut up."
He just laughs and gives Jasper that look. You know, the look your closest friends share when they think you're a total spaz? Yeah. They share that look a lot. It's tied with their icky-lovey-dovey bedroom eyes actually.
"I don't get women, man," Jasper says as we walk, all connected in some way to each other, to our shared first period. "If you like the girl, why don't you just say it?"
Now, I give him a look. "Are you in-fucking-sane Jasper Whitlock? You're off your rocker if you think for one millisecond that that will go down smoothly!" I'm whisper-yelling now. Not that it matters. To my peers, it probably looks as if Edward has his arm around air.
"She's Alice! Alice fucking Hale! Hello! Her sister is a runway model. Her mother plucks celebrity eyebrows. Her father is apart of every charity known to man!"
"And you're Bella. Your point is what?" Edward asks, cockily raising his caveman eyebrow. I huff and push him away from me. He only high-pitch-giggles and pulls me back into our little impenetrable bubble. "Seriously?"
"My point, is exactly that! She is Alice. I am Bella. She is way out of my league! Not to mention the fact that she is fucking straight!" Deal breaker. Even if I had the slightest chance to even be worthy of breathing the same air as that wonderful little-perfect that haunts my every thought, it wouldn't matter. She's straight.
She's motherfucking straight! And as far as everyone is concerned, so am I.
Proof of Alice's total non-lesbigayness being her two year relationship with Mike Newton. They broke up just a few weeks ago, and there hasn't been any stint in offers and dates for her either. All guys. All the time. All the ling long day.
It sickens me to my very core, the thought of her with some grimy dude all over her, disrespecting her space. Though, whatever I think of them doing to her isn't nearly as rated XXX as what I want to do to her, all night, all day, all the motherfucking time.
I'm sick. So sick.
"You never know, Little B," Jasper says with that all-knowing-know-it-all smirk that never fails to make me want to smack him so hard his two front teeth switch places. "may surprise ya. I thought Edward was straight before he very nearly jumped me at my birthday party." He winks and jabs Edward in his side.
"I never once thought you were straight, Jas," he quips, dazzle-the-pants-off-of-everyone smile in place.
"That's because I'm comfortable with my sexuality," he fires back, my presence pretty much forgotten. The one downside to being best friends with a couple as close-as-close-can-get is that they can sometimes get so absorbed in each other, you're kind of just there. Your input/presence is totally unneeded.
But it doesn't hurt my feelings, or make me resent them. I love them. Together. To me, they are like everyone's favorite TV couple. Kind of Ross and Rachael. Fun to watch. Must know what will happen next. Sometimes when I watch them, I feel the need to pop some corn.
"Yeah, I'm sure." Edward rolls his eyes. "That's why you push me away from you whenever your grandmama comes to visit? Because you're so super comfortable with the fact that you're a flaming homo?"
Jasper sighs, pulling his hands away from Edwards lean hips. "I said I was sorry like a thousand times? How many more times do I have to say it?"
"Until your granny gives you away at our wedding," Edward says so matter-of-absolute-factory as he eyes his boy-man-boo from head to toe.
Jasper grunts his discomfort and moves away from Edward to stand on the other side of me. "She's old school, dammit. I don't want to give her a heart attack! Now drop it."
Edward and Jasper rarely fight, but when they do, it makes everyone within a mile radius sourly UN-comfortable. They are like an old married couple with their back and forth back and forth back and forth, bicker bicker bicker. I often have to act as the buffer for their arguments.
"Guys, please!" I put my hand on Edward's advancing chest. He can get pretty heated sometimes. He'd sooner jab a toothpick into his own bellybutton before he ever laid a hand on his Jasper, but I don't like taking chances. He's a bit of a wild card.
I change the subject quickly onto the math test we're going to have to suffer through next period, and the thickness of the atmosphere slowly melts away. By the time we reach our class, the lovebirds are back to touching and tickling.
As is the way.
"Everybody's journey is individual. If you fall in love with a boy, you fall in love with a boy. The fact that many Americans consider it a disease says more about them than it does about homosexuality. ~James Baldwin
The day, as always, is dragging ass. I feel like I have been here for the whole day, but I still have three periods to go. Three, boringly-mind shattering-soul breaking-ass numbing classes to go. And that doesn't even include lunch.
Edward, Jasper, and I sit at our usual table on the edges, near the middle, not quite in the line of sight. Close to the popular kids, yet far away enough to still be able to hear the band geeks discuss the importance of the triangle. "There are no lame instruments, just lame instrument players" and all that drabble.
I see her. From my carefully picked out place just barely across the room, I see her. She's sitting with Tyler Crowley, nibbling on her pizza dripping with grease. I can see the body language. I can easily tell that they are flirting. He leans in way-too-close-for-my-liking to whisper something in her ear, and she giggles, letting him.
I look away from the disgusting display and concentrate on my food. But she is always in my peripheral. I have Alice-radar. I'm tuned into her FM. I wish I could change the channel sometimes.
"Tyler doesn't stand a chance," Jasper assures me, patting my arm in what I assume he thinks is soothing. It just made me feel...stupid. I must look a fool to my besties. Wanting someone who doesn't even know I am alive. A pauper pining after a princess.
"He's quarterback of the football team," I remind him. Obviously he stands a very high chance. Alice only dates the best. She is Alice.
Edward snorts around his mouthful of cafeteria-garbage. "He also has a stack of dimes where his dick should be." Me and Jasper look at him, raising our eyebrows in surprise and, in Jasper's case, barely suppressed raging jealousy. Edward notices our stares and quickly elaborates. "Locker room! Hello! We have gym together," he snickers, swinging his arm over his disgruntled Jas. He chuckles and mutters a low, "Fucking idiots." before re-stuffing his mouth and giving Jasper a slippy-sloppy meat sauce kiss on his neck.
Again, I am hit with love-longing. I want that! Dam-mit. I look back at the woman I never actually stop seeing and sigh as she turns her head away from Tyler's incoming lips. She lightly touches her pretty-plump mouth to his lucky cheek. He has the audacity to look disappointed. I sneer and fight back the urge to bark at the selfish, greedy little bastard. He should be glad someone so superior pays him any mind at all.
"Okay, this is getting sad. Ridiculous!" Edward abruptly stands from his seat and gives me a disapproving glare. "Stupid baby. Ridiculous little closeted..." he mutters as he stomps by me. I watch in horror as he makes a beeline for...
"What is he doing?" I turn my wide, panicked eyes to Jasper and he has the gull to look mildly amused.
"Doing something he often has to." He hitches his shoulders and takes a bite of his pasta. "He's taking matters into his own hands."
"What?" Panic panic panic! For the love of God and Heaven, let lightening strike down and stop this injustice! "What matter? There is no matter for him to take! This is my matter!" I look between Jasper chewing and Edward advancing in on Alice-Pretty-Alice, and it's like everything is going in slow m otion.
He reaches the table and smiles at Alice.
I feel sick.
Alice gestures her little hands for him to grab himself a seat, but he shakes his head and leans down close, getting between her and that insufferable Tyler Crowley. I can see his mouth moving, but I can't fucking read his lips. He points over at our table and Alice's eyes follow the movement. She looks at Jasper, then her eyes slowly roam over to...me.
I think I might puke.
Our eyes make brief contact before I snap my head to the side so quick, I heard something crack. However brief the contact was, I felt something stir inside my tummy. I feel it wiggle its way up up up and into my heart. Electricity pulses, in that brief moment. I bury my face in Jasper's sweater and peek back over with one eye. She isn't looking at me anymore. She's staring wide-eyed at my traitorous ex-best friend.
I feel kind of dizzy. Oh...is the room spinning?
I see her tilt her head to the side, her silky hair falling over her questioning eyes slightly as Edward says something else. I'm dying to know what. She looks startled for a moment before she smiles unsure-like. She nods her head and gestures to her friends all sitting around her, who are looking on with the same expression of interest, shock, and disbelief. Ed nods his head and pats the Queens back lightly.
The slow motion moment comes to a stop. Everything speeds up as he leaves the cool kids table behind and strolls back to ours with his hands buried in his pockets, a skip to his step and a satisfied smile on his face. I pull him to me when he reaches the table, making him topple over and fall on my lap. I hold him there, my desperate hands grasping his full head of hair. "What the fuck did you just do?" I ask, deadly calm.
"What I had to," he laughs, trying to pull himself out of my arms. I hold him in place with strength I didn't even know I had.
"What did you do?" I ask again, the panic hedging its way in, hysterical hysteria replacing the calm with violent vigor.
"You didn't, like, sell her out, did ya?" Jasper asks, trying to take his struggling boyfriend from the vice tight grip I have on his hair.
"Of course not." He rolls his eyes. I sigh shakily and allow him to get up. He giggles once he is standing and playfully ruffles my hair. "I just invited her and her hoard of sheep to the party." He smirks at me and sits back down to eat.
"What party?" Jasper and I both ask.
"Our party?" I echo, feeling the uneasiness return full-fold.
"Yup," he answers, looking way too proud of himself. "You best make sure you don't look like a frumpy-dumpy-duckling tonight, Swan," he warns with sincere seriousness. I gape at him, unable to come up with the words.
How does one properly kill their best friend with words alone? I wonder. The scheming, conniving little basket full of bitches needs to learn to mind his own damn beeswax. But I can't help feeling relieved that he didn't out me. Also...maybe I am a little excited...maybe, possibly, could be...I don't know.
My heart b-b-beats Alice. How could I not be excited at the possible prospect of being near her?
"I hate you," I lie, glaring at Edward.
"You fucking love me. I'm gonna get you some pussy tonight."
"Gawahd," Jas spits his pasta grossly back on his plate just as the bell rings and I roll my eyes. "There's a visual I really didn't need."
"I highly doubt that, Mr. Cullen." Ignoring Jasper, I pack my things up and carry my tray to the bin with Jedward following close behind me. I look over my shoulder as I dump my barely eaten slop. "I'm not like you. I can't be gay and proud. Neither can 'You-Know-Who.' It's just a vain effort on your part, man."
Edward wraps his arm around my waist and tugs me into the hallway. He leans down and whispers, "Closets are for clothes. Speaking of which, you need some for tonight. Hows about a little shoppy?"