A/N: This is just a parody, a joke! We're not laughing at the expense of any specific story our author - more so at the the Mary-Sue-OC genre. :)
To Choose A Burglar
Gandalf was sure he had succeeded in finding the right person for the job despite what the person himself thought of it. The master of Bag End had in the end almost shouted his "Good morning" and his knuckles had whitened clutching his pipe before he had scurried back inside. It had amused the wizard, but also made him content, for he could see what many others couldn't - the hobbit did have a secret longing for adventure, a fear of settling down. Now he would only need Thorin's approval and they would be all set.
With these thoughts in his mind, Gandalf walked down the small road while enjoying some pipeweed. He was just planning to have a drink at the Green Dragon when someone spoke to him.
It was a young elfin maiden, bow on her shoulder and a sword - apparently from Gondolin, Gandalf noticed - on the belt around her slender waist. Her eyes were turquoise and her hair pure silver. Her voice was very beautiful when she said: "My name is Lúthien. Take me with you. I would be an excellent burglar."
Gandalf coughed from the smoke of his pipe. "Now Lúthien (if that is your real name, since I have never heard of anyone naming their child after the daughter of King Thingol)," he said. "I do not know why you think I am in need of a burglar, since I have never mentioned... And in any case, I would no longer need your assistance."
The maiden stared at him fiercely, unblinking. "I can shoot a Nazgul from a 200 feet distance," she insisted and Gandalf wasn't sure whether she was deaf or just stubborn.
Just as he was going to politely tell that their quest wouldn't be about hunting Nazgul anyway, another elleth joined then, though this one seemed to be more of a half-elf. In spite of that, her hair was long and golden (the colour clashing with her amethyst eyes). Like the first maiden, she too addressed Gandalf very promptly: "My name is Gildanlethielloth. Let me be the burglar in your company."
"Listen, ladies," Gandalf said with some indignation, not bothering about sounding patronising - was this how Elves spoke to istari nowadays, like to a common auctioneer? "I have already chosen a burglar and it is neither of you."
"I heard the Hobbit say he doesn't want any adventures," the first elf said with a frown.
"True, but him saying that doesn't mean I can't choose him. Just like I won't choose you simply because you show up and insist on joining -"
"Why not?" said the one called Gildanel-something-something (Gandalf had forgot, since the name didn't really seem to have any meaning in any languages he spoke which was quite a few). "I would protect Thorin with my life," she said, flipping her hair.
"As would I," the other elf, "Lúthien" nodded. "But better than she would."
"I would be better that either of you," a third voice said. Forth stepped a young girl (Gandalf guessed her age to be around fourteen, providing that she indeed was a mortal of non-Númenorean descent which seemed most likely). Her eyes were amber and her soft locks of a purple-ish shade.
Gandalf sighed. His good mood was slowly but steadily disappearing. Where did these strange females come from?
"Even if you really were going to protect Thorin Oakenshield..." Here he raised his hand to shut down the objections. "...I doubt Thorin would want an unfamiliar Elf in his company. You see, although the line of Dúrin -"
"But I'm not an Elf!" said the mortal girl.
"No, but you are far too young to come with us."
"But Gandalf, you have to take me with you. I'm Mary-Sue, the daughter of Sauron and I'm nothing like him and now he's trying to find me and kill me, which is why-"
Gandalf automatically shut out the rest of the character backstory which was giving him a headache. Sauron did not have children - he was sure of that. Even less a daughter who would somehow have escaped the date of becoming twisted, foul and corrupted as everything else of Sauron's doing.
"...and that's how I found out I'm the chosen one," the spawn of the lost Dark Lord finished.
That was enough.
"Great Elephants!" Gandalf rumbled, his aura increasing in power as he was tempted to use his fiery ring on these infuriating females. "Does anyone of you know even what you are talking about?" he said crossly. "If you'd just listen to me - I don't need a burglar anymore. Or rather, I've already found one."
"But he's a hobbit."
"And he's male."
"You fools! I chose Bilbo Baggins precisely because he's a hobbit - Smaug would smell your perfumes and the smell of Elf from miles away. Neither is he as plain as you think - there's more to him than meets the eye, you see. And while I don't see why his gender would matter, especially since the other members of Thorin's choosing are male as well..."
"Can't you have two burglars?" the Elf named Lúthien asked.
With those words Gandalf did use his ring. A bright flash complete with a loud puff of smoke left the women coughing and batting away cinders from their clothes while Gandalf slipped away unnoticed.
Hidden behind a nearby tree he watched the three ladies blink in confusion after the fumes had cleared. When they had left (in great annoyance and disappointment), Gandalf lit his pipe again and drew in the smokes of it. Normally he wouldn't use such attacks on harmless females, but the explosion had cheered him up somewhat. He chuckled to himself. So was Bilbo Baggins, the burglar of Gandalf's own choice still "waiting for Thorin's approval"? By the Valar, no. Gandalf would insist on bringing Bilbo with him!