A/N The most pointless stupid thing I have ever written but I couldn't help myself.
Jim Kirk, Spock and Uhura lived in a shitty one bedroom apartment in the armpit of a remote outpost on Pernaia Prime, the most depressing planet in the quadrant. They were poor and all they had was each other and even though Uhura knew their situation was entirely Jim's fault, some part of her just couldn't let him go. Kicked out of Star Fleet and black listed on virtually every Federation planet because of his wild streak, there were very few options left despite their considerable skill set. Spock's family fortune had been sucked down the cosmic drainpipe the day Vulcan was destroyed and since the Human race had abandoned the concept of money in favor of 'bettering' itself, Jim and Nyota were likewise broke. Overcome with guilt at their situation, Jim had vowed he'd do whatever it took to make amends even if that meant hauling spent injector casings from one colony to another in the arse end of the galaxy but after he came back from his first run barfing his guts up and shivering with radiation sickness, Spock and Uhura just couldn't let him do it. They marvelled at one another through their telepathic mating bond that they both maintained such an affection for him even though he had done nothing but cause them trouble since the day they'd met.
These days, Jim spent most of his time hustling for credits arm wrestling freighter jocks in bars where Nyota waited tables, partly for the money and partly to keep said jocks off her back while Spock odd jobbed as a tech at the space port. Since he was a Vulcan people seemed to go a little easier on him than on the infamous Jim Kirk, who couldn't seem to get any sort of a job at all and it was after another fruitless afternoon of jobhunting and hustling at the docks in the rain that Jim made his way back to the hovel they called home.
The living room was empty when he walked through the door, shucking off his wet coat and kicking his boots under the couch. The shower was running but Jim desperately needed to drop the kids off at the pool and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Living in such close quarters, they'd more or less seen all of each other's more intimate parts anyway so he was sure whoever was in the bathroom wouldn't be terribly affronted by him coming in.
The sight that greeted him was not a shock exactly – after all, Spock and Nyota were mates but it was still a surprise to find them in the shower together going at it like the clappers. Jim stood agog as he took in the scene before him, Spock's burly hair covered chest rippling with muscle as he thrust into Uhura's gloriously pert soap covered behind. Steam billowed out of the cubicle and they were both grunting and moaning uncontrollably. Being so poor, they only had one razor between the three of them and so Spock was sporting a few days of beard growth while Nyota's hair was having a row with the water that slaked down over them, curling wildly around her shoulders as she leaned with flattened palms against the cubicle wall.
"Oh my god, Jim!" Nyota screeched as her eyes met his.
"Buh...ah...I...der..." Jim stuttered from where he stood frozen just inside the door. Spock's eyes narrowed and releasing his grip on Nyota's hips, he stalked across the floor with squelchy steps to shove Jim bodily out of the bathroom. As he approached Jim was gifted with an eyeful of his prodigious Vulcan manhood, jutting proudly away from his body like a bright green plasma canon. He stood for a long time staring at the door with his mouth open, lapsing into a temporary kind of catatonia from the unforeseeable hotness of what he had just witnessed. For a long time the only thought Jim Kirk was capable of was - Fuck.
By the time they emerged some time later, he had still not quite recovered. When they sat down at the table for an uninspiring dinner of rehydrated food cubes and synthetic protein shakes served on mismatched crockery, the atmosphere was undeniably frosty. Jim shoved his food around the chipped bowl in front of him and kept his head dipped in contrition.
"Look, I'm sorry okay, I needed to use the can and I didn't realize you were both in there," he offered lamely.
Nyota glanced at him through her lashes and swallowed, grimacing as the tasteless mush of foodcubes went down. Spock said nothing and lifted his cup to his lips to take a long slurping sip, his eyes staring at some unknown point on the wall behind. "Honestly I wasn't being a perv."
Spock set his cup down gently and remained quiet, raising a gloopy morsel of blue to his lips. Jim's eyes darted between them nervously but they both seemed intent on pretending he wasn't there. He scowled.
"Fine, be like that," he said snarkily, pulling a face like a petulant teenager. "Nice to know you think so highly of me." Nyota rolled her eyes and shook her head, dumping her fork into her bowl with a clang and staring at the ceiling. "Though you know, if I'd thought about it a bit more I'd have brought a camera. I mean, if I knew I was going to get the silent treatment I could have at least made a few bucks out of it," he quipped. Nyota huffed a hard breath out of her nose and stalked into the bedroom. Spock's eyes tracked her retreating form and when the door slammed, he glanced back at Jim but said nothing.
Nyota forgave him. She always forgave him and by dinner time the next day they were joking about it. As Spock placed another dish of rehydrated food cubes in front of him, Jim couldn't help himself.
"Food cubes again?" he said with a rueful smile. "Guess we shoulda made that movie after all." Spock's brow quirked with the cynical amusement of the destitute and Nyota rolled her eyes. She smiled anyway but after another dinner of foodcubes and another and another, the joke started to wear a little thin.
One evening, Jim glanced at Spock and Uhura and his shoulders sagged, sighing with sorrow as he took in the sight of them. Nyota was too beautiful to be wearing that scraggy old sweater and tying up that gorgeous hair with a rubber band. As for Spock, well he was starting to look more like a skinny pirate than the honed disciplined Vulcan he used to be, albeit a scruffily sexy space pirate Jim mused.
"We're poor," he uttered dejectedly, dropping his spoon onto the table.
"I had noticed," Spock drawled, his lip curling as he looked at the contents of his dish. Nyota gave a weak smile and reached forward to clasp their hands gently.
"At least we have each other," she said in a tone bordering on despair.
"Yeah," Jim chuffed smiling back at her and squeezing her fingers. Spock sighed.
On reflection they all wondered why no one had done this before, after all it was long established but as yet unrealized fetish of the Federation. Vulcans were emotionally repressed but they were also shit hot and in years to come Jim would consider this first production his personal favorite. To him there was nothing more beautiful than Spock and Uhura going at it doggy style in the shower and frankly the acoustics in their tiny bathroom were great. The movie was shot on a crummy handheld imaging device that Spock acquired from a freighter pilot for fixing a plasma conduit. Nyota made a deal with the owner of the bar where she worked and Jim sold tickets on the door. With the takings they enjoyed their first fresh produce in months and even had enough left over to splash out on blank data tapes which Spock flogged down the space port while he was at work.
Their second production was a little more high brow. Sort of. Jim dressed them up in their old Starfleet uniforms and a lecherous old Tellarite let them use the bridge of his freighter as their set. It was an instant hit.
They kept their crappy old apartment, converting it into a studio and it was here that they produced some of their most famous titles – Romulan Commander, Cunt Kalifee, Vulcan Clit Pinch, Anal Lirpa and their biggest hit to date Vulcan Love Slave. As he watched Spock drag his tongue from the pointed toe up the length of the thigh high black PVC boot that encased Nyota's long leg, Jim knew they were on to a winner.
Afterwards, Jim was downloading the footage to send to their agent on Fereginar as Nyota divested herself of the strap on dildo she had moments before used to part Spock's pert Vulcan cheeks, tapping it thoughtfully against her chin.
"You know," she said after a minute, watching Spock as he disengaged himself from the manacles on the wall. "I think we're missing out on a whole other demographic here." Jim glanced at her and then at Spock and then back at her.
Jim looked thoughtful and nodded slowly. Spock raised a brow. Nyota smiled.