This is the first story I have written in a while so thank you for your patience! Also, huge thanks to my beta Hellion728 for her support.
Blaine's eyes snapped open. He forced himself to shift his head to the left where his radio clock read 3:00 am. He hadn't been sleeping well, or sleeping at all, really. It had been six months since his trip to New York and his admission of infidelity to Kurt, and he was still suffering everyday for the hormonal choices he had made on the spur of the moment to visit Eli and let another man put his hands all over him.
He hadn't spoken in any great length to Kurt, only seeing him briefly when he visited over the Christmas and New Year holiday at a Glee get together. He has spent most of the night sitting in a secluded corner of Breadstix, sipping on some spiked punch provided by Puck and watching Kurt flit from group to group with his newly developed air of confidence and self-assurance.
Blaine felt the complete opposite.
No matter how many clubs he joined or people who acknowledged him, he felt empty. He had been so disgusted with himself after that one night of regret; he hadn't let anyone else touch him or even touched himself. He didn't deserve it and the thoughts of what he had done to the man he loved still haunted him every day and every night.
Inevitably, Kurt returned to New York, to his new life, and Blaine's own existence trundled along. He had become despondent to every sort of interaction; he did not put his emotions on the line for anyone or anything. He had caused enough damage and was still suffering the effects of his betrayal. There was no question of anyone else; he didn't deserve any attention and he did nothing to welcome it.
When Blaine did sleep, he had horrific nightmares – of falling into deep black holes screaming Kurt's name as he peeked over the edge at him, glaring. In a way, it would have been easier to see Kurt angry at him rather than upset. He wants to be emotionally beaten and punished. All that remains is the look in Kurt's piercing blue eyes, the echo of sobs into a microphone and the burn of a foreign touch.
These are the thoughts that swirled in his mind at 3 am that Saturday morning in February.
He slowly hauled himself to a sitting position, his back stiff against the headboard. He reached for his laptop on his bedside table and started it up. He plugged his headphones in and planned to watch some Youtube videos as there was no way he was getting back to sleep.
The familiar sound of Skype starting up filled his ear buds. He always sets his status to 'offline' now. It lets him see who is online but not have to commit to any interaction. But really, that would be lying because he only logs on in the first place to see one person online - Kurt. He was logged in most nights and Blaine took some comfort in this as it meant Kurt wasn't out partying every night meeting new people, new guys. Although, this was irrational – he knew – because he had no control or no right to comment on any future relationships Kurt had no matter how much it would break his already tarnished heart.
Blaine enjoyed seeing Kurt's profile picture change to reflect new outfits and hairstyles and he couldn't' help think how proud he was of the person Kurt was becoming – strong, confident and unique. Things he already saw in Kurt that were bursting to be set free.
Tonight as he searched for Kurt's name he wished he had been trapped in his nightmare. Kurt was online but his profile picture was not just his beautiful face or torso. He saw Kurt's profile first but there was a boy in the picture, too, and Kurt was kissing him full on the mouth.
Blaine's heart just about jumped out of his throat.
The boy (and he looked no older that Kurt) had straight blonde hair sweeping over his forehead and flicking out to the side. Both of their eyes were closed and they both had little smiles which made Blaine think they must be familiar with each other. Blaine thought it looked like a shot in a bar or club that was taken clumsily by one of the subjects of the photo. Very intimate. Very familiar.
Who was this guy? Blaine felt like he had to know this mystery boy's identity but he had no ideas about how to get this information. He doubted Rachel would answer any texts from him about Kurt's love life, just out of the blue. So, he did the only thing he thought he could, he revealed himself as online, clicked on Kurt's name to open a chat window and typed:
Blaine: Hi there, long time no speak. How are you?
He had no idea where he mustered the courage. Had enough time passed that he could attempt such casual chatter? He didn't know but he had only a few goals in mind. Who was the boy in the photo, had Kurt moved on, and was he happy? He waited a few minutes, starting to regret this decision already when a response came.
Kurt: Hello stranger – you're up late! It certainly has been a while. I'm good, and you?
Blaine took a deep breath and replied.
Blaine: I'm fine thanks. Yeah, couldn't sleep. How is the big apple treating you?
Kurt: Splendidly, although I'm run off my feet! Still taking orders at Vogue but loving every minute.
Blaine: What about NYADA?
He hadn't meant to sound so short but he was genuinely interested. Had Kurt's Broadway dream died?
Kurt: Well...dreams can change.
Oh...well that certainly had some ambiguity, Blaine thought. Should he bite? He sensed an undertone of...something but thought he would dodge it for the moment. Time for him to give a little before he tried to take
Blaine: Yes they can. Although not for me - academically at least.
Kurt: What do you mean?
Blaine: I got into NYU to study music. I'm moving to New York right after graduation!
Kurt: Blaine! That's great, congratulations!
Blaine: Thanks :) I guess some things are meant to be.
Kurt: Guess so.
This is exactly what Blaine did not want to happen, a lull. Ok, here goes...
Blaine: So... have you met anyone?
Kurt: and by anyone you mean...boys?
Blaine: I suppose, yes. I mean, I know it's none of my business just... I obviously care about you Kurt and I just want to know that you're happy.
That wasn't strictly true, Blaine thought. He wanted Kurt to be happy with him, forgive him and welcome him back into his arms. A small part of his mind wanted Kurt to say 'Come live with me in New York and we can be friends again and one thing would lead to another and...
Kurt: I'm sure the only reason you even came online tonight was because you saw my profile picture.
He was rumbled. Totally rumbled. He should have known that Kurt would see right through him.
Blaine: Yeah, you got me! If things were reversed, wouldn't you ask, too?
Kurt: Yeah, I would. So, the answer to your question is 'yes'. I have met a guy and his name is Adam.
Blaine: Oh, that's good. Are you going steady, then?
Kurt: Well, not really. God, this is awkward...
Blaine wondered what Kurt was getting at. He has met this Adam and he had changed his profile picture but they weren't boyfriends? What did that mean?
Blaine: Wait...no, never mind. Sorry, forget I asked!
Eugh! How stupid am I? Blaine thought. Kurt doesn't have a boyfriend! He has a guy he 'hooks up' with or a fuck buddy (possibly). Someone he can fun with and not worry about being faithful...the opposite of him.
He couldn't do this. He thought he was curious and though he could handle whatever Kurt was doing with whatever guys he met in New York but he really couldn't. His heart ached in his chest at the longing and jealously he felt. He still wanted Kurt and now, more than ever, he couldn't imagine himself being with anyone else – like Kurt obviously could.
Blaine: I should go, it's really late. Catch you, Kurt.
Blaine is Offline.
As yet, there is no second part to this story so any comments/suggestions would be much appreciated!