Disclaimer: I do not own The Hobbit!

A/N: Filled for this prompt at The Hobbit Kink Meme:The dwarves have a party in Erebor to celebrate their return and crack out some of their strongest stuff. Bilbo, who's never had anything stronger than hobbit beer and red wine, is quite unprepared and gets thoroughly smashed without noticing.

Luckily for the dwarves (and unluckily for him!), he is the cutest drunk you'll ever meet. Giving out copious hugs and babbling about how much he loooves them all and belting out hobbit drinking songs

Keep The Hobbit Away From Dwarf Beer

"….Should I poke him?" Kili said.

Twelve sets of eyes looked at the dwarf, who merely shrugged before turning back to the Hobbit, the others followed his gaze, Bilbo was sitting with the most recent pint of beer in his hand staring down at it, his little body swaying, looking as though a mere touch would cause him to fall over.

All twelve dwarfs resisted the urge to poke him to see if he would.

"How many did he have?" Thorin finally asked his nephews as they were the ones who kept urging their burglar to drink.

Both boys shrugged, causing Thorin to sigh, "Alright, someone put him to rest then"

"Can I poke him first?" Kili asked.

His brother smack him upside the head before going over to the swaying Hobbit.


Bilbo looked up and blinked, he stared at the dwarf before his face spilt into a big grin.

"Fili!" he squeaked.

The Company watched as Fili was pulled into a hug, face smashed into a small chest, hair nuzzled happily.

"I love sooooo much!" Bilbo happily squealed.

"That's nice" came Fili muffled response, his tone sounding amused.

The dwarf tried to pull away from their happy burglar, giving a surprise grunt when he realized he couldn't, after his third attempt he called for help, with an amused grin Kili came over to assist his brother, the moment he got his attention Bilbo let go of the older dwarf and attached himself the younger, purring as he cuddled into the dwarf's chest.

Now free, Fili went back over to the now amused group, listening as Bilbo squealed about how much he loved his brother and the other dwarfs, it was rather adorable.

"Even if you guys smell like Troll's feet" Bilbo then said, wrinkling his nose at the thought.

"Oye!" Nori cried out indignantly.

Around him some of the dwarfs subtly sniffed themselves.

"And I love Thorin's coat! "

"…His coat?"

"Yep, cause it looks all warm and snuggly like a rabbit! And when he twirls it's all swishy!"

Thorin blinked and looked down at said coat, frankly he could not see what was…snuggly about it, majestic maybe but defiantly not "snuggly", or anything like a rabbit, nor was it all "swishy" and he does not twirl!.

His snickering Kin thought otherwise.

"I think I like Mister Baggins like this" Bofur said.

"Aye, it's rather, amusing and adorable" Balin said, laughing when said Hobbit started singing about to properly bath your Dwarf.

Kili who had been amusedly listening to their burglar's singing (high-pitched and off-key), grinning, the grin turning mischievous as a thought came to him.


Bilbo stopped his signing and blinked at him, hiccupping for a moment.

"Look over there; it's Thorin and his coat"

Bilbo's drunken eyes follow to where the dwarf was pointing at, he gasp happily before releasing Kili and running towards the younger's Uncle, Thorin who's attention had been taken by Bofur and Dori, did not see the running Hobbit and was unprepared for the sudden hug.

The dwarf king grunted when small arms wrapped around his middle, he looked down at the happily purring Hobbit then at his laughing nephew, turning his attention back to their burglar, he tried to remove the arms that were wrapped around him, the action causing Bilbo to whine and tighten his hold, and what a grip it was! How in the world was something so small so strong!?

"Get him off" Thorin grumbled.

"But Uncle you two look so cute together" Fili chuckled.

"Get him off now"

"But Uncle, Bilbo loves you, do you not love him?" Kili laughed.

"No, now get him off me!"

A whimper had him looking down, to see Bilbo looking up at him.

"You don't love me?" the Hobbit whimper.

Thorin then found himself assaulted by big wet eyes and trembling lower lip.

"That's just not fair" the Dwarf king thought as he patted the Hobbit's head reasurredly, "don't be upset, yes I…love you"

Bilbo perked up happily and resumed his cuddly of Thorin; well the Dwarf King wasn't sure if his burglar was cuddling him or his coat. By now his nephews were nearly on the floor with laughter even his Company was chuckling at his predicament. Thankfully Dwalin, while amused, felt it was best to get the Hobbit to let go of their King. It was difficult to fight battles with a Hobbit clinging to you after all.

"Alright Mister Baggins," Dwalin said, "let go of him"

"Nooooo!" Bilbo whined.

"The night is nearly over, it's time to rest" the dwarf tried to persuade.

"As this Company's burglar ferret—"

"I think you mean Hobbit"

"I say no and more beer!"

"I think you've had enough" Thorin said, as he once again tried to free himself from the trap that was Bilbo.

With a slightly annoyed huff Dwalin grabbed hold of the Hobbit's waist and tugged, Bilbo, if possible held on tighter. It was a sight truly to behold, one dwarf pulling the lower half of a Hobbit, whose upper half clung to the Dwarf King.

By now Kili and Fili were on the floor clenching their sides, tears down their faces, the rest of the Company too was laughing merrily.

"Strong thing he is" Dwalin mumbled giving up.

Thorin grumbled.

Bilbo did eventual release Thorin, though only to confirm the Dwarf King's earlier suspicions that indeed Bilbo was cuddling with his coat, when the King wiggled out of said coat and to freedom leaving his coat in the Hobbit's clutches.

"We still need to put him to bed though" Balin said watching as Bilbo( clenching Thorin's coat like a child did it's favorite blanket) grabbed hold of a pint of beer, only for the beer to be taken away by Dwalin, the bald Dwarf holding it over his head and out of reach. Bilbo pouted before he starting jumping up to get it.

Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, and Fili cheered their burglar on.

"I've got it!" Kili said after next to no thought.

"I think we've had enough of your ideas" Thorin said.

It didn't matter, for Kili was making his way over to the Bilbo and Dwalin, he watched for a moment before getting Bilbo's attention. Once the Hobbit was looking curiously at him, the archer poked the Hobbit on his side.

Bilbo blinked, then his eyes closed and he fell to the ground, fast asleep.

All twelve eyes turned to Kili, who grinned.

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