"We can't be together Michael." She said.
And I have to wonder why.
I owe her the reasoning behind why I ran away that night in Ireland. But Fiona has it all wrong.
I fought for her, I told Card I wouldn't leave her but it was for her own safety.
My cover was blown,that meant my life was in danger,which means, including Fiona's as well because she was involved with me. I couldn't risk getting her life in danger. But I did love her...and I still love her.
And when we first met at the black sand pub, she is the one who led our first dance. And even though it was awful, with bumped heads and inconvenient elbows, in its own sweet way it was the best experience that I ever really had, and the next day, she looked at me with absolute adoration, and I so admired her courage.
That first time that we shared a kiss, she had kissed me first, and before I knew what she was really doing, she had her hand inside of my shirt, just holding my chest to feel my heart beat; her second hand held my cheek, and she kissed me. Slow calming kisses, though every gentle kiss made my heart race faster. The kiss was special.
I wonder if Fiona remembers the first time that we touched; my skin burned with her touch! And it's funny… when I think of it; she is always the one with the power when we are together. Being with Fiona...it was never easy. But she knew a side of me no one did. It was impossible to shut my mind off when she was around. She had this hold over me, this force, attacking my thoughts and invading my feelings.
And she still makes me feel that way I see her, every time I talk to her,every time we're together, even now...I can't think when we are together; I am not in control when I am with her, either physically or emotionally.
The night before I ran, I kissed her. I kissed her and told her that I loved her.
She was fast asleep and had no idea that I was leaving her.
I missed her every day after I left. On my return back to DC, I broke up engagement with Samantha because I was still in love with Fiona.
I would do anything to take back that night when I left, but I understand why she made this decision, because I know I deserve it and I know that I played her heart,
And I broke it.
And I still need her to love me.
And I guess she doesn't.
"I know Fi...I've been saying that for a long time." I finally answered.
"Yes you have." she snapped back.
And with hurt and angst in her eyes, she turned away and headed out the door.
Despite my feelings for her,
When you work as a spy, it's easy to think of people as assets. Resources to accomplish a goal. Because you don't have a personal relationship with an asset. You don't care about an asset. You don't miss the scent of an asset when she leaves the room.