Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.
Author's Note: So this is my semi-prediction of the episode Karma Police in which we know Fiona may get attacked somehow. I'm going with my worst case scenario. So trigger warning for sexual assault. This was very difficult to write, by the way. And watch for change of POVs, I'll make them obvious, but still. It'll always be 3rd person, but I wanted to explore both Fiona and Imogen's thoughts on the situation.
It was rhythmic and passionate. Body against body, heat rising, breath getting caught in their respective throats. Hands began to roam each other's body as their shirts had been discarded sometime earlier, however their bras remained. Fiona moved her mouth to the base of Imogen's neck and began to gently nibble at the sensitive skin there while her hand slowly traveled down Imogen's body, caressing her bare torso.
All the while Imogen's breaths came out in short and shallow spurts. Her hands began to tremble on Fiona's skin as the lump in her throat grew. She was aroused and her body screamed to let Fiona touch her, but her mind, that insecurity, that little fear stopped her every time things got this hot. It was hard to stop but that little pricking sensation in the back of her mind made Imogen put her hands on Fiona's bare shoulders and push her back. "I'm sorry," she squealed, her eyes shutting tightly.
"What? Was that too much?" Fiona asked slightly out of breath sounding slightly frustrated.
"I'm sorry," Imogen repeated as she sat up, forcing Fiona to get off of her. "Can we, um, just stop there?"
Fiona froze for a second, staring at Imogen almost unbelieving. She mumbled but it was muffled as she was unable to coherently speak. Her mind raced with wonder at why Imogen would even have to stop her. She'd never go further than what Imogen allowed, she gave Imogen that control.
"What?" Imogen asked.
"Nothing," Fiona said as she sat back and put her blouse back on. She fixed her hair with sharp movements, keeping her mouth closed. The more she thought about what just happened, the more irritated she got. It wasn't that she was angry, she was just annoyed because each time Imogen pushed her away, it made her feel like some horny gorilla who couldn't control herself and she wasn't. It was as if, no matter how many times Fiona would say she'd go only as far as Imogen wanted, Imogen would still push her back. It was as if her girlfriend didn't trust her.
Imogen furrowed her eye brows and also put her shirt back on. She was a little surprised to find Fiona holding her glasses to her. She stared for a moment before taking them and putting them back on. She watched Fiona rise from the couch wordlessly and walk to the kitchen and began rummaging through the fridge before grabbing a can of ginger ale.
"You want anything?" Fiona asked, not looking in Imogen's direction, focusing on calming down, remembering how she was when she'd first kissed Charlie. She herself physically pushed the older girl back so her being too upset in this situation would be hypocritical of her. But then again, that was her and Charlie's first date, her and Imogen had been dating for months. Fiona inwardly shook her head, trying to get all the negative thoughts out.
"Um, no thanks," Imogen meekly replied. She knew Fiona was upset and she figured it was because she pushed her back. "You okay?" Again her eye brows furrowed as she rose from the couch, placing her knee on the cushion. Fiona had been getting more and more upset every time Imogen stopped her and pushed her away.
Fiona moved around the kitchen counter and slowly began to make her way back to the couch, forcing herself to calm down. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" she asked with a slightly sarcastic undertone. She got to the couch and sat, keeping a visible distance between her and Imogen, grabbed the remote and promptly turned on the TV and left it at the news channel.
Looking from Fiona to the TV and back again, Imogen knew something was wrong when Fiona didn't change the channel. She knew her girlfriend well enough to know she'd never willingly watch the news. "What's wrong, Fions?"
"Nothing," Fiona said lightly, already feeling a little better, taking a sip from her drink, never taking her eyes off the news. All she needed was a moment to scream in her head and she was feeling better. Inwardly she laughed at how ridiculous she was being, getting so upset at something so trivial.
Imogen nodded and sat back. Several seconds passed and Fiona had still not changed the channel. "Okay," Imogen nearly demanded as she turned her body towards Fiona, "Something's wrong. You, Fiona Coyne, don't watch the news just because. What's up?
"I'll be fine, Immy. Actually, I am fine. Just drop it, please?" Fiona pleaded, giving off a crooked, toothy smile in hopes that Imogen would drop the topic. She really just wanted to drop the subject and move on peacefully.
Several seconds passed as Imogen kept her eyes locked with Fiona's before it finally clicked, before she figured it out. "You are mad that I pushed you away." It wasn't a question.
Fiona sighed, not wanting to fight but knowing it was likely inevitable, but also she herself was hurt. Yes, she was hurt that Imogen pushed her away, not because she wanted to get physical, but rather that Imogen didn't trust that Fiona would stop herself. Or at the very least ask for permission to continue on. She told Imogen she would go at her speed and Fiona Coyne was a woman of her word. "Well, yeah." She decided not to sugar coat it. She was getting upset all over again the more she thought about it.
Imogen's heart sank, her throat dried, and her eyes began to sting. That's all she had become to Fiona? That's all that was important to her girlfriend now? They were supposed to be partners who communicated. "Really?" she breathed out, hurt and anger mixed in her voice, washing over her entire being, filling her lungs. Without a thought, she went into complete auto pilot mode and quickly sat up and began to put on her converse shoes.
"Imogen," Fiona started, any anger or hurt she had dissipated in that instant Imogen grabbed her first shoe. She had messed up and she knew it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
"Then how, Fiona?" Imogen asked sharply, stopping her movements staring directly into Fiona's eyes. After a few seconds, she huffed slightly and went back to her shoes and immediately struggled with her laces. "I'm sorry I can't be as physical as you want. Sorry that sex is just so important to you and that I'm not ready." She finished her shoes and quickly stood up and grabbed her jacket rushing for the door.
"Imogen, stop," Fiona said, racing after her and into the hallway, "Please stop." She really messed up. It wasn't even that she was sexually frustrated- truthfully she was, but it wasn't that important to her- it was that she wanted Imogen to know she was upset because Imogen didn't believe Fiona was still on her speed, on her level, with her.
The elevator door opened almost immediately after Imogen had pressed the down button. She went in and refused to allow Fiona to follow her. "I'm sorry I'm such a prude," was all she said as the doors closed, Imogen fighting back tears.
Fiona stood staring at the metallic doors, at her own reflection for several seconds replaying the entire scene in her head. She had really messed up. She came off exactly as all those pushy boyfriends in all those teen shows and movies trying to push their girlfriends into sex. Even though that wasn't what she was trying to do. Not even close. She wasn't upset that she wasn't having sex, she was just upset that Imogen didn't trust her enough that she'd stop on her own. Fiona's throat dried and her eyes glazed over as she tried to blink away the tears as she continued to stare at the doors, hoping that somehow they'd open up and Imogen would be standing there and fall into her arms and they'd kiss and say sorry and everything would be back to normal. But she knew that wasn't going to happen, it wasn't going to be that simple. "Dammit," she whispered and hurried back to her loft, wiping away her tears with the back of her hand as she went through the door, not bothering to shut it all the way. She grabbed her cell phone off the table and immediately dialed Imogen's number. It rang several times before going to voicemail.
"Of course," she said. Once the greeting was over she began, "Immy, please call me back. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't get frustrated because we didn't go further, I don't care about that. I got frustrated because I felt like you didn't trust me enough that'd I'd stop. I said I'd be on your speed and I meant it. I still mean it. I'd never push you to do anything you're not ready for, Immy. Please, I'm sorry. Just call me back when you-"
Whatever else Fiona was going to say was stopped as her mouth was covered by a strong, gloved hand and a sharp pain appeared at the base of her neck. She dropped her phone and tried to struggle her way out of the grip of her assailant. She was successful and turned around screaming "Who are you?!" but stopped anything else she would have said and froze when she saw the gun in his hand.
"Shut up," he said as he moved forward. Both unknowing that the dropped cell phone still had the call going.
Walking hand in hand through the front doors of the building, Drew and Bianca walked through the main entrance where he was currently residing. "So, you enjoyed the movie, right?" Drew asked as he nodded to the security guard at the front desk and the concierge before walking to the elevator.
"Yeah, it was good. I didn't think I would enjoy Al Pacino screaming that much," Bianca replied.
They waited while the elevator came, "He is a legend for a reason." It came, the doors opened and the couple walked through.
"I'm glad I said yes to seeing 'Scarface.' It never really appealed to me before."
"That's why you have me around, to expand your horizons of awesome cinema."
Bianca laughed, "Whatever." The rest of the elevator ride was in a comfortable silence. It didn't take long before they were at the right floor and the doors opened. Both teenagers walked out and down the hallway toward the loft. "When are you taking me to see 'The Godfather?'"
"Soon," Drew replied with a smile as he dug in his pocket for his keys. He froze when he noticed the door was opened. "Fiona never leaves the door opened like this." Slowly Drew walked forward and through the doors keeping Bianca behind him as they crept inside. Drew called out, "Fiona?" There was a small noise, several noises actually, coming from Fiona's bedroom. "What is that?"
Keeping light on his feet, Bianca keeping her own guard up, they stepped lightly through the loft, both ready to deliver wrath if need be on whomever was inside Fiona's room. Drew put his hand out on the knob and braced himself, silently counting to three as he threw the door open. "Who's in here?!" he shouted before hearing another sob coming from his left. "Fiona?" She was on the floor, crying, hugging her knees to her chest. Her hair was disheveled and she was wearing her old Degrassi P.E. clothes. The bed sheets were in shambles. There was so much wrong with this scene in this moment that neither Drew nor Bianca wanted to put the pieces together, to paint the picture of what possibly, likely, had transpired.
"Oh god, Fiona," Bianca said as she rushed to her friend, nearly falling to her knees, placing a hand on Fiona's shoulders. She knew this sight. She knew the look on Fiona's face, the look in her eyes. She'd seen it before with her old friends. She had had a similar look on her face and in her eyes before.
Fiona's sobs got stronger with her friend's touch, "Bi-Bianca," she stammered out before throwing herself into Bianca's arms bawling.
Bianca wrapped her arms protectively around Fiona, holding her, letting her cry as she rubbed her hands against Fiona's back. Her heart broke as Fiona shook in her embrace. It was all she could do to not cry herself. She looked up at Drew and said "Call Imogen."
Drew nodded solemnly and walked out of the room, rubbing his face as he sighed. He wasn't stupid. He knew something horrible happened tonight and it sickened him that it happened to Fiona in her own home. Her home in which he rented a room. His mind wandered for a moment, wishing he had been home, he could have stopped it. He shook his head, getting the thought out of his mind. It was a stupid thought because he knew logically it was pointless to blame himself. After a moment he took a deep breath and pulled out his cell phone and scrolled through his contacts before landing on Imogen's number. He pressed call and brought the phone to his ear and waited, listening to the ringing. One. Two. Three. It was almost seven rings before Imogen answered.
Drew cleared his throat and hoarsely said, "Imogen, it's Drew."
"What's up?" she replied a little flatly.
Drew took a breath, his shoulders stiffening as he shoved a hand into his pocket, "You need to come to the loft."
"You just need to."
"Erm, that's not a good idea right now."
They had a fight, Drew could sense it in Imogen's tone with her last line. He groaned and shut his eyes, not knowing exactly how to feel. He was in such an awkward position right then. "It's an emergency. Something happened to Fiona." When he said it, finally said the words out loud, a panic set in.
There was a heavy pause. "What?"
"Your mom's a doctor, right?" he asked quickly.
"Drew, wh-what happened?"
"Bring your mom."
He froze, his eyes fixated on nothing in the room as his jaw trembled slightly, "I'm not sure. She's not talking. I think someone broke in." He couldn't continue his train of thought. He felt helpless. At least when Bianca had been attacked by Ansen, he was there, he helped, he did something. But tonight? He wasn't around. He wasn't around to help the girl who had became a sister to him.
"We'll be there soon."
"Okay," he said as he hung up and sulked back to the bedroom, leaning against the doorway. Fiona and Bianca were still on the floor, Bianca was still holding Fiona. "Imogen and her mom are on their way over. They should be here soon."
Fiona didn't rise her head, she kept herself buried in Bianca's arms.
"Okay," Bianca replied, never taking her arms away from her friend.
Imogen stood in the elevator, which was taking a ridiculously longer time than it should be- or maybe it was in Imogen's head?- and she couldn't stand still. Her heart was racing, pounding in her chest as she tried to control her breathing. She was so anxious she could rip her skin off and she had no idea what to expect. She knew it was bad, someone likely broke in but she didn't dare think it. Didn't dare think what her mother tried to prepare her for. Bianca had texted her telling her the police were there investigating the loft, taking pictures, filing reports, doing whatever the police do. She recalled Drew's voice, how hollow it sounded. Just damaged really. She brought her thumb nail up to her mouth and began biting it, a horrible nervous habit she had that she never got rid of. Luckily for her, it didn't take much to convince Natalie to go with her. Her mother even insisted she drive since she could see the state Imogen was entering. Now, here they were, in the forever long elevator awaiting whatever bad news to be confirmed. It was so stuffy she wanted to scream.
"You're very worried about her," Natalie stated.
Imogen rolled her eyes, "Of course." State the obvious why doncha? she sarcastically thought to herself.
Natalie studied her daughter a moment longer then said, "She means a lot to you, doesn't she?"
Imogen nodded, "So much." Her voice cracked.
"You have your phone, right? So the police can hear the end of that message?"
Imogen said nothing, only nodded. When she had heard the message Fiona left her, after Drew had called her, the heartfelt apology she all but screamed it broke her heart so badly. Then when she heard the commotion at the end, the deep voice of the intruder, the evil entity that hurt Fiona as she pleaded, she broke down. She broke down so badly she almost threw up. She could only guess what likely happened but what killed Imogen the most was that her and Fiona had just fought about being more physical only minutes before. Actually, it was her, not Fiona who was angry.
New tears threaten to fall as she reevaluated the night and how stupid and ridiculous and how harsh she was with Fiona. She should have stayed. She shouldn't have been such a whiney brat and walked out on Fiona. If she had been there, the intruder would have thought two people would have been too much of a risk. Her jaw clenched and she shut her eyes tightly, wishing upon wishing so much she could take it back. It was all her fault. This wouldn't have happened if she wasn't so sensitive. Fiona wouldn't have gotten hurt.
The elevator doors finally opened and Imogen all but ran out and headed directly for Fiona's door, which was opened and about four or five police officers were walking about inside. One was interviewing Drew, another was with Fiona and Bianca while the rest were scattered about the loft, taking notes and pictures. She saw Fiona with her head on Bianca's shoulder and walked in. Fiona's head rose slightly and their eyes met. Imogen couldn't figure the meaning behind Fiona's look but she got the impression Fiona looked defensive.
"I'm sorry, Miss, you can't be in here," an officer said, walking in front of Imogen and Natalie.
"It's okay," Drew said, "She's her girlfriend."
The officer looked back to the one with Drew and they nodded to each other. The officer stepped aside and let Imogen and Natalie in. Imogen stopped almost in front of her girlfriend and whispered "Fiona."
It was only about a half hour when the police had gathered up all the information they needed to start an investigation and left the loft. The entire time, Fiona hadn't left Bianca's side and it only confused Imogen. Why hadn't her girlfriend come to her? She couldn't wrap her head around a possible answer but she wasn't about to confront Fiona on it right now. She just let her be and stood by Drew as Natalie finished up with the last officer.
Once he left, Natalie walked up to Drew and asked, "Are you planning on staying here tonight?"
"Is Fiona staying?" Drew asked.
Natalie shook her head, "I'm going to bring her to our house."
Drew nodded, "Then I'm probably going to go to my parents. Besides, I've gotta get Bee home. If Fiona does decide to come back here though," he turned to Imogen, "Text me and I'll come back."
Natalie smiled approvingly, remembering the first time Fiona had mentioned having a male roommate and could now see why Fiona had said he was a wonderful roommate. "Imogen?" she turned to her daughter, "May I speak with you for a moment?"
Mother and daughter walked off, away from the others, Drew rejoining Fiona and Bianca. Imogen looked at her mother and asked, "What is it?"
"I think it's best we take Fiona to the hospital to get checked out. Has she mentioned anything to you yet?" Imogen shook her head. "Can you talk to her then? She needs to get checked out."
"She's barely said a word to me," Imogen said sharply, "How am I suppose to convince her to go to the hospital?"
Natalie put her hand on Imogen's shoulder, "Imogen, she's in a bad place right now. Something terrible happened and she needs to take her anger out on someone and she's going to do it to someone she loves. But you have to remember, she's hurt. Emotionally, probably physically, but it's important she knows you're there for her. Just talk to her. She may not respond or give you the answers you want, but she needs you, Imogen, more than you know."
Imogen's eyes softened as she nodded, "Okay."
It ended up taking a good amount of convincing from both Imogen and Bianca before Fiona finally agreed to let Natalie take her to the hospital. Imogen herself almost had to beg. The entire party left together, Drew making sure all windows were locked before locking the door himself. The entire way down, Fiona stayed with Bianca. Imogen expected as much, but she couldn't help but feel a little hurt by it.
Once they were out of the building, Drew and Bianca went their separate way.
The entire ride to the hospital was quiet and tense. Imogen sat in the back with Fiona but other than holding her hand, Fiona didn't seem to want any contact with Imogen and she couldn't figure out why.
Fiona felt bad, she truly did because the logical part of her mind knew she was hurting Imogen by keeping her at arm's distance. It's just that, with what happened, she just couldn't let anyone touch her. It had to be on her terms, which was why she was able to stick with Bianca. It was like Bianca knew exactly what she needed, when she needed an arm around her. Any other physical contact just brought down a drowning feeling of dread upon Fiona. Once they arrived at the hospital, Fiona inwardly groaned. She really didn't want to be here and she really didn't want anyone touching her, even if it was a physician. She didn't even want Imogen touching her. She was barely making due just holding her hand. One little touch, even a thought of a touch almost brought on a paralyzing fear. It brought his face to her memory, his scent to her nose, his touch to her skin. She had to swallow down a panic attack right there as she nearly tore her hand away from Imogen's.
Walking slowly, but too quickly for Fiona, they made it into the hospital and Natalie helped admit Fiona. She was scared and it took Natalie a bit to calm Fiona down enough that she could walk into the room. She had surprised Natalie when she asked if the older woman would go in with her. Needless to say, Natalie was shocked and glanced at Imogen who looked at her mother expectantly. Nevertheless she nodded slightly at her mother. With relief, Fiona turned and walked into the room, Natalie right behind her.
Almost two hours passed while Imogen waited in Natalie's office. Just waiting, searching the internet about how to handle these situations. All she learned was that each situation was different for every girl. There was no one way to prepare but there were common warning signs to look for. It scared Imogen a little bit when she realized that Fiona could fall back into her drinking habit, but Imogen was determined not to let Fiona fall. She'd be there for Fiona.
The examination was done. The door opened, causing Imogen to look up from the computer. Natalie walked in, followed by Fiona, who stayed at the doorway. Natalie gathered some paperwork and other personal belongings while Imogen rose from the desk, stood off to the side and stared at her mother like a sad puppy. It was true, exactly how she felt. All the while Natalie spoke toward Fiona, telling her she was taking her to their home, that she was welcomed to stay for as long as she needed. Fiona only mumbled a thanks, but didn't move. Imogen just stared, turning her glance at Fiona. She looked so broken and Imogen felt absolutely helpless, like she wouldn't be able to help her girlfriend.
The drive back to the Granger household was long to both teen girls. Imogen left her hand on the seat next to Fiona, letting her girlfriend make the move to hold it or not. Right then, Fiona wasn't holding her hand. There was a huge lump in Imogen's throat as she fought back the tears. She felt stupid, ridiculous, and selfish. How could she be the one feeling horrible when nothing had happened to her? It was Fiona she needed to worry about. Inwardly, Imogen sighed. She did worry for Fiona. Her mind raced and only thought Fiona. Fiona was all that she really thought about right now. She just felt horrible about herself because she knew there wasn't much she could do and that thought was what made her bad feelings all the more bad. She glanced at Fiona and wondered what was going through her head right then as Fiona had her hands in her lap, her head tilted down, her eyes closed. Imogen could see the wheels turning in Fiona's head, but a big part of her was worried about what Fiona might be thinking.
She saw Imogen's hand there, on the seat, waiting to be held. A part of her wanted to grab Imogen's hand. She always loved the feeling of hold her hand, always felt perfect, always felt a perfect fit when they held hands. Ever since the first time they walked hand in hand at the Frostival so many months ago, it just felt perfect. But that was a tiny part of her. The biggest part of her just simply did not want to be touched. Not even in the slightest way like having her hand held. In this same big part, Fiona didn't even want to be near Imogen specifically. There was an anger toward Imogen and she couldn't quite understand it and that's what she was doing right now with her head down and eyes closed.
Why was she angry at Imogen?
She just didn't want to be touched so why was she angry at Imogen? Truthfully she was horribly angry at the entire world right then. Just when everything was looking okay, she was dealing with the little bit of income she had, selling design sketches online to small time fashion blogs, her and Drew were getting along amazingly well, her mother was getting things done to move past the case, things were good. Things were positive then something horrible happens and of course, in typical Fiona fashion, things come crashing down. The dark cloud floats over her head and consumes her and all she could see again is his eyes through his, those dirty hazel eyes, his arms holding her down, one hand covering her mouth, his scent, his musk filling her nostrils, suffocating her so much right then causing her heart to race fast, faster than she could control and her breathing became labored.
Was she having a panic attack?...
"We're here, Fions," Imogen softly said, breaking Fiona away from her thoughts.
Fiona nodded and whispered, "Okay," and quietly got out of the car. She all but dragged herself across the yard and up the porch steps. She felt so out of sorts, like she wasn't herself. Suddenly, she felt herself a shell. Somewhere within her, the real her hid in a closet. It was funny in an non hilarious way that she'd be in the closet again, hiding. Only it wasn't her sexuality, this time it was just her. Inwardly she groaned and suddenly all her energy faded away. She took a quick glance at the night sky and for the first time she realized it was late, but she didn't care. She wanted to take a shower. She needed to take a shower.
Lugging wood. That's what Fiona looked to her, like a tired soul after a long day of chopping wood only to drag it back to the cabin. It reminded her of her father during their snowboarding trips, how tired he'd look and move after the strenuous activities. Fiona's demeanor didn't change when she walked up the stairs after asking to shower. It was like she was hauling herself and each step she took, took incredible amounts of effort that she was running low on. How many times in one night could Imogen's heart break?
She almost didn't hear Natalie talking to her, she was so engrossed in watching Fiona's labored movements. "What?" she asked, turning her full attention to her mother.
"I said, it's okay if she stays in your room, if she chooses. However, the door needs to remain partially opened."
"What do you mean 'if she chooses?'"
Natalie stared at her daughter sadly. She knew this would be a hard time for both of them and she could only hope Imogen was strong enough to deal with the trauma. "I mean, she may want to be alone. You've noticed she's been distant with you, right?" Imogen nodded. "It's going to take some time, she needs to heal. Right now, she's distorted. Something happened to her and she had no control over it. She could shut down, shut everything out, become irritable, even hurt herself."
Hearing that last part made Imogen's heart sink. It was like double confirmation that Fiona would likely go back to drinking to cope with this. The image of seeing Fiona dead drunk popped into her head and she gulped, trying to shake the image but failing. It caused a odd sensation that didn't feel good at all in the pit of her stomach and all she could say was, "Okay." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, refusing to allow the image get the better of her. Slowly her body turned toward the stairs and she reopened her eyes, the world suddenly greyer than before, and said "I'm going to get some clothes for Fiona to change into." Imogen turned and walked up the stairs.
She was at a complete loss at what to do, she had no idea how to handle anything. Fiona was keeping her at arm's length. What would be her boundaries now? How would she know if she was close to crossing them? Would she be able to kiss her? Imogen sighed as she grabbed her favorite pajamas; long sleeved with the typical pajama collar, pink ensemble with monkeys and bananas. She smiled sadly at the clothing in her hands, hoping it may put a small smile to Fiona's face.
Slowly she made her way to the bathroom door and leaned forward. The shower wasn't on yet so she knocked gently, "Fiona?" she called, "I got you some pajamas."
The door opened revealing Fiona's red and puffy eyes, still in her P.E. uniform. She took the clothes from Imogen's hand and mumbled "thanks" before closing the door. A sharp sting traveled from Imogen's shoulders down her body when Fiona's appearance fully registered. Fiona had been crying. She had to brace herself against the wall or else she would have thrown up right here on the hallway floor.
Once Fiona had the clothes in her hands, she closed the door right in Imogen's face. She felt bad that she was shinning her girlfriend, but she was angry at the same time. She put down the pajamas without looking at them then proceeded to slowly remove her gym clothes. She felt so awkward, so dirty, so out of place taking her clothes off. If it wasn't for the fact she kept reminding herself she was in Natalie Granger's home, she might have taken a shower with her gym clothes on.
The water was running and Fiona's stepped it, letting the hot water fall onto her skin. She closed her eyes and thought again about the night. She was so conflicted. Imogen had made her feel like some animal who couldn't control herself, but instead some other animal attacked her and took away her peace of mind, her security in her own home. Her home was suppose to be safe, she had had control over what happened there, whatever went on, it was by her own accord but now that was all gone.
She turned the water hotter. The water was so hot it was almost uncomfortable, but Fiona didn't care, she wanted to feel clean, but she didn't and the water wasn't helping. She still felt dirty. She could still feel him on her and no matter how hot she turned the water, even to the point of her skin turning red, she felt HIM.
Her heart sped and pounded so hard in her chest she thought it was going to explode out and she frantically grabbed the soap and began to scrub her arms, her torso, her legs, everywhere but she still felt dirty. Her breath quickened as she scrubbed more until her skin hurt and stung with the hot water and she began to cry. She backed away from the water, hitting the wall at the end of the tub and slowly slid down the wall until she was sitting on the tub. She bring her knees up to her chest and hugged them, resting her head on her knees.
The cold linoleum was soothing to her burning skin, but it didn't stop the flashes in her memory. They were suffocating her and she wanting nothing more than for those memories to stop. She saw Bobby's face again. Saw the eyes of her attacker. She needed them to stop. She needed them to stay away from her.
Then she saw the bottle.
Alcohol, her old friend. The urge to drink rose again and came with a promise of peace and tranquility. Alcohol would help her deal with this mess in her mind, she was sure of it. But how would she get her hands on some? Surely Natalie and her husband had wine somewhere in the house. Maybe she could leave in a few hours and go get some- no, that's no good. She didn't want to go out alone. Not at night. Not ever again.
She stood up, turned the hot water down a bit and continued her shower with new resolve. She'd find her old friend tonight. She was sure the Grangers had wine or champagne. Or, hell, she'd even take beer at this moment. That was when she dropped the soap. She bent down to pick it up when she saw the drain. The water going down it, falling down into a dark hole, a dark spiral of an abyss. That's where she's headed, isn't it? She knew, just by making the plan to drink she'd already put on foot into the dark hole. Once she put a single drop into her mouth she'd be falling in and there'd be no one to catch her.
But there would be.
Fiona turned off the water and stared at the drain again, letting the water drip from her hair into the dark hole, pulling her, but remembering those beautiful brown eyes behind those glasses with that million dollar smile kept her from falling. She wrapped a towel around herself and stepped out of the shower. That's when she noticed the pajamas. She picked up the top and smiled when she saw the monkeys.
It didn't take long for Fiona to finish and when she walked into Imogen's room, she found her girlfriend sitting at her desk editing some pictures on her laptop. She'd already changed and was wearing purple flannel pajama bottoms with a military grey camouflage thermal shirt . Imogen brought up her head and looked at Fiona with sad eyes. For some reason, it angered Fiona. She didn't want Imogen's pity. She didn't need it.
"Did you want to stay up for a while? Watch TV or did you want to go to bed?" Imogen carefully asked. She felt like she was walking on eggshells.
Fiona shook her head, not wanting to talk, "I think I just want to sleep."
"Okay," Imogen said awkwardly, "Did you want to take my bed and I take the guest room? Or did you want to take the guest room? Or...?" She didn't know how to finish her question, she didn't want to put Fiona in an awkward spot and tried her best to be casual.
"No, it's fine." Fiona walked to the other side of Imogen's bed and got under the covers. "You can stay up if you want." Fiona then turned her back toward Imogen and brought the blankets to her chin. For the first time in so many hours, Fiona felt safe. She felt comfortable. It was when she inhaled and caught the scent of Imogen that she felt at ease finally. The blankets smelled of Imogen and it smelled like comfort and peace and love. A ghost of a smile appeared on her face as she closed her eyes and inhaled again. She could smell these blankets forever if she wanted to and a part of her did.
Wordlessly, Imogen watched Fiona for a moment and became incredibly saddened. She had always been the bubblier of the two, always the goof ball, the optimistic one, the weird one, but it was always Fiona that she'd turn to in whatever crisis she would had. Little or big, Fiona was her rock. Now, it was like Fiona was a shell of the amazing girl Imogen fell in love with. After a few moments, fighting her tears, Imogen closed her laptop, checked her door making her it was mostly closed but still opened enough to satisfy Natalie, and climbed into bed. She took her glasses off and placed them on the nightstand turning off her lamp. She then turned to lay on her side, tucking her hand under her head as she stared at the back of Fiona's head, making her heart swell. "Fiona?" she whispered.
"Hmm?" was the response.
"I love you."
There was a beat before Fiona responded, "I love you too." It was hallow. She meant it, of course, but she hated how these words were said under horrible circumstances. That's when doubt washed over Fiona. Her eyes stung and it took all her will not to cry. Those three little words, they were meant to bring comfort and warmth, but instead they made Fiona hate herself and feel unworthy. How? she thought to herself, How will you love me after this? She was tainted. How could Imogen love her after this?
Several weeks passed and there was no sign of the police finding the perpetrator. It was typical. Fiona knew that most of these cases were left unsolved and thrown to the back burner, just like back in the US, always swept away and forgotten.
During the first week after the incident, Fiona stayed with Imogen at the Granger's. She hadn't talked much and had nightmares every night, which would cause Imogen to wake her up and try to calm her and be comforting, but Fiona would bring up her wall. She'd use the blanket as a blockade to keep Imogen out. It wasn't until the last night Fiona stayed with them, the last nightmare she had, that Fiona finally broke down and cried heavily in Imogen's arms. She told her girlfriend how sorry she was for being so distant, for closing up and cutting her out. It was around 2:45 in the morning when this happened and about 5:00AM when Fiona fell back asleep.
The second week after the incident was a bit hard for Fiona. She'd gone back to her loft. She stayed one night before Declan came and stayed the week with her. It was comforting to have her "big brother" around. She re-bonded with him and they shared what was going on with their lives. He met Imogen. At first he didn't take well to her, seeing as how awkward and quirky she was, but eventually he saw what Fiona saw and gave her his stamp of approval. Eventually, though, he had to leave.
It made her anxious not to have Declan around that third week. It hit a low point when Fiona almost considered moving back to New York, but Drew calmed her down. Said this place was her home. Having Drew was the next best thing, of course, but even Drew couldn't stay in the loft every moment of every day. The short moments she was alone, it was all she could do not to have an anxiety attack. Most of the nights Drew worked late, Bianca would spend as much time with her as she could, but Bianca knew that one day, Fiona would need to learn to stand on her own two feet again.
Imogen would hover, unknowing of what to do. It was as if they had to work on their relationship from the ground up again. After the third week passed, they were finally able to kiss again. At the fourth week, Imogen was able to keep her arms around Fiona without Fiona fighting panic.
After a month, Fiona kissed her in a way they hadn't kissed in a while.
During the fifth week, Fiona initiated the kisses more often and they had minor make out sessions. But whenever Imogen would put a little more behind her kisses, Fiona would freeze and stop and bring up her walls. It was like this for the next two weeks.
One day, in between the seventh and eighth week, Imogen was having lunch with Bianca, something the two of them began doing more frequently. Imogen was lost in her thoughts, fiddling with her food when Bianca said, "Penny for your thoughts?"
"Huh?" Imogen couldn't quite comprehend what her friend asked, her thoughts were too chaotic.
"What's going on in that head of yours?" Bianca asked, trying not to convey the worry she felt. The past two months was painful for her to watch both of her friends go through this, Imogen had become as supportive of Fiona as she could, but it was clear that she was hurting right along with Fiona.
For a second, Imogen just stared at Bianca. Her mouth hanging slightly open as she took in the question and tried to organize her thoughts. "I just," she paused, "I," another pause, "It's hard." That was all that came out, no other way to describe her feelings.
Bianca stared sympathetically at Imogen. For as long as she'd known her, and known of her, she never knew her to be so troubled. "I know," she said, "But how are you feeling?"
Imogen sighed and looked back at her food, "Me? I... I'm at a loss."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know what to do. My mom told me what to expect but I just don't know how to help. She won't talk to me about anything that happened. And whenever we make out, sometimes she freezes up."
"Did you guys ever have sex?"
Imogen froze. Her eyes went wide and she stared at Bianca like she'd grown a second head. "Wh-what?!" Imogen nearly shrieked.
"Sorry, didn't mean to be so blunt. I've known a girl in Fiona's situation. I was almost in Fiona's situation."
Bianca fixed her chair and leaned forward. "I mean, what happened to Fiona was completely out of her control. It wasn't her fault, she did nothing wrong, nothing to instigate and that worthless piece of human trash ruined her life, basically. What should be home isn't anymore. Everything is in disorder and she's trying to put it all back together."
"That's why she's always pushing me away or freezing up. It's how I used to be."
Bianca nodded, "She needs to learn how to be in control again. She's got to set the speed now."
"Maybe there's a way I can let her know it's all up to her. That whatever speed she's on, I can be on that one too."
Another week passed and it had taken a lot of begging but Imogen was able to get an okay to stay at Fiona's for the night. Of course, it did help that she was already 18 and a legal adult.
That night they had been watching movies, starting with Fiona's favorite "Let The Right One In", ate Chipotle, and ending with Imogen's favorite movie "Grandma's Boy."
While Imogen cleaned up, Fiona showered and changed. When it was Imogen's turn, she grabbed her bag and turned toward the bathroom. Fiona grabbed her arm and pulled her in for a kiss. "I love you," she said.
Imogen couldn't help but smile as she heart fluttered, "I love you too, Fions." She went into the bathroom with a huge smile on her face. She showered quickly and when she got out, she dried herself and pulled out a cute little red number from her bag that Bianca had given her some time ago as a peace offering. Never in Imogen's life had she worn anything so revealing and she felt almost silly wearing it, but she had to admit, it looked good. She grabbed the purple bathrobe that was hanging on the door and put it on, tying it. She took a deep breath and braced herself as she opened the door. She walked out and saw Fiona looking through her closet.
"Should we go out for breakfast tomorrow or cook here?" Fiona asked.
"I dunno," Imogen replied, growing nervous, "Fiona?"
"Hmm?" Fiona looked up and froze, "I-Immy?" Her eyes went wide with expectancy and her mouth hung open ever so slightly.
Swallowing a huge lump in her throat, Imogen took a deep breath and took the robe off. Suddenly, her mind went completely blank. She had this nice, little speech prepared and all that came out of her mouth instead was "I, uh..."
Fiona couldn't think, couldn't move. It was as if all thought process and bodily functions had stopped. Never before had Imogen done something like this before. Definitely never worn sexy lingerie before. It didn't surprise Fiona that she was so dumbfounded as she blushed. "Imogen," she managed, " What are you...?" She couldn't finish her question.
"Do I look okay?" Imogen insecurely asked.
Fiona finally remembered how to blink as she smiled softly, "You look incredible, "she airily replied and walked forward. For the first time in two months, the assault left her mind. It didn't pop up in her memory. For the first time in two months, she completely forgot it happened. "Wow," she breathed as she walked right up to Imogen. "Where'd you get this?"
"Bianca gave it to me last year."
"Oh?" Fiona gave her a questioning look.
"Long story short, it was a peace offering."
Fiona let out a laugh, a genuine albeit small laugh. "Well, it looks fantastic on you." She stopped talking and once again looked at Imogen in awe, looking into her eyes through her glasses. All she could wonder was why? What had made Imogen do this? "Imogen, where did this idea come from?"
Imogen swallowed and took a sturdy breath, hoping she wouldn't screw up or upset Fiona with her explanation. "I wanted to let you know that wherever you are, I'm there too. I'm going with you, giving you full control to go at whatever speed you want. This is just my way of saying I'm ready to go all the way whenever you are." It wasn't exactly what she wanted to say but it got the point across.
"You're telling me you're ready to...?"
Imogen nodded. "Use me, Fiona," she whispered, "I'm giving you your control back."
That was the moment Fiona crashed her lips against Imogen's. It was primal at first. It turned Fiona's mind off letting her not think but rather go on instinct. They fumbled their way to the bed, never breaking their kiss, but they didn't undress. It was still too soon for Fiona for that. But having her control their kiss helped bring back a part of her sexuality that she thought died when her assaulter touched her. No. It was here, right here in this moment with her and Imogen. It was a small spark that heated up a tiny fire within her. Soon, with time, it'd become a raging brush fire once again and Fiona couldn't wait. All the shame she felt, all the dirty and wrong; it was gone. It was all gone and in its place was her sexuality. Her feeling aroused no longer felt wrong. It didn't bring back the painful memories of him, but rather brought back excitement at the thought of being naked, under the sheets with Imogen.
As their kissed slowed down, with Imogen's arms around Fiona's waist as Fiona hovered over her girlfriend, kissing her lips softly, she couldn't help but feel happy. Though she couldn't do it tonight, she knew she would be able to have sex and it wouldn't be wrong or panicky or forced. It'd be mutual and beautiful, fun and perfect. They'd both be ready and at that moment, Fiona was so happy. She was so in love with Imogen because in her own way, Imogen saved Fiona tonight. Soon they'd make love and it couldn't come soon enough.
Author's Note: That was insanely difficult to write.