I'm free. I can't believe it. The Council helped set me free. Yeah, I know the reason why. They need a slayer. I'm the only one left. I was so happy, until they brought up the bad news, I have to live in Sunnydale. The Hellmouth need a protector. Damn, I was thinking of travelling the world and kill vampires and demons for money. But no, I have to go back to that shitty town. I can't run away. They've put a spell on me so that they can track me wherever I go. So, I can't ever leave the Hellmouth unless they allow me to. I hate this. But here I am, in my apartment, not the one the Mayor gave me. This time they set me up with a nice apartment and I get pay monthly. That's pretty cool. The money's good enough for me to enjoy whatever left I can enjoy here. The Council has briefed me before I came here, they'll send me a Watcher. Giles wasn't here anymore. He's retired and spending his old age back in his mother country. Which is good. I don't want Giles as my Watcher. I will never be at par with her. I can't take the scrutiny.
I don't know what happened to the Scoobies and I don't want to know. I just hope that I won't bump into them. I don't need them. I don't need my own Slayerettes. I'm a loner and will always be a loner. The truth is I don't care about the whole world. I just want to live day by day, and if this is what I'm supposed to do so that I won't be put back into that hellhole, I'll do anything. I know I can always escape from prison, but it's like I showed them that I'm weak. Well I'm not weak. I'm strong! I've survived!
It's my first day here. I'm just hanging out in my apartment. Man, I love this place! It's fully equipped. They sure know how to make me happy, momentarily. I'm flicking through all the channels, wondering if they provide me porn too. Not that I'm really into it, but hey, I'm curious. Suddenly there's a knock on my door. Who knows I'm here? Probably it's my neighbour. Oh god! Do I have to be nice to people? Can't they just leave me alone? There's another knock and I open the door.
"Hey Faith! Can I come in?"
"Erm…sure. How do you know I'm here?"
"The Council has briefed us on your return and they want us to help you anyway we can. They gave us this address."
Damn! I thought they'd leave me alone. What the hell are they thinking? As if the Scoobies will help me anyway.
"I don't think the rest are happy with your return. Well, they refused to help you and they want to patrol all by themselves."
"Oh, that's great! Then what are you doing here?"
"I like you being here. I don't know if you remember but we had some great times and I enjoyed your company."
"Yeah, that was a long time ago. Then I went psycho and tried to hurt your family. Don't you remember?"
"But you've changed…right?"
I let out a short laugh. "Well, you're still standing there."
Dawn laughed too, or maybe she's just letting out a relief breath. Who cares.
"So what are you doing here? You're not here for the house warming party right? I don't see any gifts, except for that book."
"Actually that's why I'm here, because of this book. It's Buffy's journal actually. Erm, not really here everyday journal because she only wrote one part."
"So, why is that important?"
"She mentioned you."
"Of course. I guess she's written in detail how she's going to torture me."
"No! Nothing like that. I've read it. Well, I found the book under her bed and I was curious. Besides she wrote this like a week before…you know."
"I thought you might like to read it."
"Please Faith. Just read it. I'll leave it here. I have to go now. I hope I can come visit you later?"
I hesitated. I don't want any connection with them. But it's so hard to resist Dawn. She's always been so nice to me.
After Dawn left, I just look at the book that she left on the couch, Why do I want to read something that B wrote. So what if she wrote about me? I wrote a lot about her, about how much I hate her, how I loathe her, how I wish she were dead. Well, she is now. Somehow that doesn't make me happy.
I sit back on the couch and continue with my channel surfing but my mind's not into it anymore. I keep looking at the book. Oh hell! Just read it and get over it.
Blah blah blah, she loved Angel. Yeah, yeah, what's new? She had a one-night stand with Parker? Heh, that's kinda funny. Riley, blah blah blah. What did she see in him? One night with him and I can't stand him anymore. She's even thinking about spending her life with him?! Haha! Now that's really funny. That's not marriage. That's torture! What is this about Spike? She slept with Spike?! What?! Spike?! Of all people. Why did I get so work up anyway? It's her life. Who cares who she slept with. Big mistake. Whatever. And then there was Faith. Why am I here with all the names of her past lovers? What?! Wait. Let me read that again. My heart belongs to her?! What is she doing? I'm gonna kill Dawn. She's playing with me. B can't be writing this. This is not her. But this is her handwriting. Was. All this while she has feelings for me.
How come it's kinda blurry. I'm crying! I hate this. I will not cry. So what? It's just a piece of paper, of Buffy pouring her heart out, to a piece of paper. I feel like I want to kill her if she's not already dead. This is so stupid.
"Hey B! How are you?"
No answer. I don't expect a stone will answer me back.
"So, I read your journal, I don't mean to but Dawn made me. I don't know what to say. I mean,…this is all so stupid Buffy. What the hell do you think you're doing? You told a piece of paper that you loved me? How could you be such a coward? Why can't you tell me to my face? I would beat you to death if you were not already six feet under! Oh god! What am I doing? I'm sorry for shouting at you. I don't mean to. I'm just confused. God! Only you can bring this rage in me. Well, apart from a certain person that I don't even want to think about. But why Buffy? Why now?"
I was crying by then. I kneeled in front of her grave and I touched her name. The stone was so cold. Or maybe that's what I'm feeling inside.
"You're right B. There's no happy ending for us. But I'll keep on living for you. Hell, you're right about so many things. I am in love with you. Always have, always will."