Chapter Two: Letters
How long do you think we can stay here?" I ask Jacob. I roll over nuzzling myself against his chest. He wraps his arms around me pulling us both back onto the mattress.
"This is the longest we've stayed anywhere and it's been fine so far. But how long do you think it'll be safe?"
I shrug and sigh. "I don't know. I just want JJ to have stability. He only knows this place. I don't want to start moving every three months again."
"I know." Jacob says as he absentmindedly traces unidentified patterns on my back. "But if the Volturi…"
"I know Jacob," I interrupt quickly. I feel the bile trying to rise. I didn't like the sound of that word. Every syllable, the letters, the structure of it… that word meant hate. That word meant death.
"Sorry," Jacob said holding me closer. It was quiet for a moment before I decided to speak.
"Jake, I have more questions," I said softly and I could feel Jacob's body stiffen. I would ask questions about my parents. Not often, but when I did I usually sobbed and Jacob would comfort me and then I wouldn't mention their names again for months.
But lately I've had so much to ask that I believe Jacob was starting to think I was a masochist.
Being a new mother sprouted new emotions inside of me and the closest connection I have to my parents is my husband. He understood this. And no matter what I asked, no matter how difficult, Jacob would always answer honestly. He wouldn't sugar coat anything.
"Ok, what do you want to know?" Jacob asked lowly.
"It's really not a question actually…" I trail off my thoughts wandering.
"You can tell me anything Ness," Jacob whispers in my hair.
"I think I'm ready to read the letters," I say softly. I can feel Jacob hold his breath for a moment before letting it out slowly.
"Ness," he begins "I haven't read them. I don't know if that's such a—"
"Jake, I want to," I interrupt. I sit up crossing my legs while facing him. "I mean, I think I need to."
Jacob stared intently in my eyes before breaking away from them. It's quiet for a moment then Jacob sighs running his hand through his long hair.
"If it's what you want then fine, but I can't promise you what you'll read."
I nod but I am nervous. I am feeling fear and doubt and sadness, anxiety. I am feeling one giant unidentified emotion in the middle of my chest.
Jacob sits up and kisses me on the forehead before getting out of the bed.
I sit there almost impatiently as he goes to retrieve the envelopes. My already accelerated heartbeat is beating recklessly against my rib cage.
When my family was preparing to fight in the clearing nearly nine years ago my mother sent Jacob and I off with a bag.
Once Jacob and I finally stopped running and settled into a hotel to get rest, Jacob opened the bag. In that bag there were passports, , birth certificates, thousands of dollars and envelopes addressed to Jacob and me.
I was only a little girl at the time and I couldn't accept the fact that in that envelope was my mother essentially saying goodbye to me. I remember sobbing in Jacob's arms uncontrollably for hours that night. I didn't sleep for days.
I told Jacob that I didn't want to read the letter addressed to me, that maybe they would come back and find us and everything would be how it was before. Every year around my birthday I ask Jacob where the letters are but I never ask to read them.
When I was in labor with JJ I'd asked about them but I just wanted to make sure Jacob still had them. Of course he would still have them.
I was missing my mother; I was missing my father. I was missing my entire family and the wolf pack. I was missing them every second of every single day for the last nine years. And the day I'd given birth to my baby boy, the tears that cascaded down my face weren't only tears of joy but they were tears of pain. I'd felt this eerie sense of loneliness.
Of course I had Jacob. He is the love of my life and not to use this term lightly, he is my soul mate. But the fact that Jacob and I had no one to share that moment with other than each other was a very complicated feeling to understand.
Watching JJ learn how to walk and talk and eat by himself made wanting my family that much more prevalent in my world. Talking to my mother and father in my thoughts could only get me so far. I felt that these letters could connect me to them in some other way. I felt that in these letters I could grasp on to another piece of them. A piece that maybe I could share with JJ one day.
"Ok," Jacob sighed as he sat back down on the bed. He placed the envelopes on top of the space between us.
I stared at the envelopes intently, slowly tracing the perfect calligraphy with my fingers. 'To My Dearest Renesmee' it read in thick black letters.
"Do you want to be alone?" Jacob asked softly.
"No," I choke out, my voice raspy and low.
"You don't have to do this right now Ness," Jacob gently glides the back of his hand across my cheek. I'd begun to cry silently in place. The anticipation and the nerves were toying with my emotions.
I breathed in slowly then looked up at Jacob. A soft, but unconvincing smile lay loosely on my lips. "No, I'm fine. I'll be fine."
I picked up the letter, my heart wrenching when I inhale the faint floral fragrance of my mother. A scent I would never forget.
"It smells like her," I say as I close my eyes, holding the envelope to my face. Maybe I wasn't ready to read this letter, maybe I didn't want to read these words she'd written because of the finality of them.
In the back of my mind there was a glimmer of hope that my parents were still out there looking for us, how foolish that may seem. So maybe the soundless torture of reading the words she'd thought would be the last I'd ever hear from her would bring unnecessary pain?
I snapped out of my thought when I hear crying penetrating from the room across the hall. I open my eyes immediately.
"I'll go get him," Jacob says.
"No," I say as I grab the letters and put them in my nightstand drawer. "I'll get him."
Jacob looks at me as if relief has possessed his body.
I wasn't ready for finality.