I don't. Stephenie does.


Pushing his curtain-fringe over the bold frames of his glasses, Edward adjusts the bag strap hanging from his left shoulder and plods past the growing crowd of students all leading through the gates of Hell – also known as Forks High School. As he trudged, several members of the popular crowd deliberately bashed into him from each side, making Edward drop his bag, then folder, then glasses in that order. The Laughing Hyenas (as Edward had appropriately nicknamed them) barked out their hate-filled laughs, pointed and made his morning shit before it had even properly started.

The only place in this Hell, where Edward felt most at home, was the tiny Science lab, looked after by a half-blind, half-crippled, balding man known as Mr. Banner.

"Good morning, Mr. Banner…"

The old man swung around, searching the lab with squinted eyes and cupping one ear. "Eh? Who said that…" Oh yeah, he's half-deaf as well.

"It's me, Sir, it is Edward."

"Oh! Yes, yes, yes…okay, shall we see how we got on?"

Edward nodded clumsily, his curtain-fringe bouncing off of his forehead. Due to Mr. Banner's recent hip surgery, he hobbled like Igor from Frankenstein over to the Agar plates which had been left since the day before. The idea was that they could calculate bacteria growth in a culture; five splodges were found on each of the three plates – some splodges bigger than the others.

A knock came from the door whilst Edward was writing up the conclusions.

"Excuse me, Mr. Banner?"

The voice, so delicate and beautiful, had Edward straighten up where he stood. His eyes practically bulged out from his head, hands began to sweat and a not-so-unfamiliar feeling tingled in his pants. Perhaps 'tingled' isn't the right word…strained – that's better.

Whilst Mr. Banner did his Igor impression back to the fantasy of Edward's imagination, he did his best to get that awkward, raging boner under control.

Um, um, think Edward, think!

Old, sweaty, ball sacks…like a three-day, deflated balloon…that's better.

To be fair, he's a seventeen-year-old virgin who has been in love with the same girl ever since she grew boobs at age thirteen. Four years ago, Bella Swan started the summer holidays with a flat chest and came back to school with, well, with tits. It just took for her shirt to fall forward, Edward to peek down at the hidden treasure and the hormones went wild.

But her chest is not the only reason Edward is so irrevocably in love with her – she also is the only student in this Hell who would spare five minutes to talk to him, and if he dropped his folders (like this morning) she wouldn't join the Laughing Hyenas, she'd tell them to shut up and help him gather his things. It's just a shame Edward has fucked up all his opportunities to speak to her – it isn't very endearing to hear someone, too shy to look up from his shoes, mumbling a string of 'um-um-erm-fuck-shit…hi's. By the time he finished his rambles, Bella had already said 'have a good day, Edward.'

At least she knew his name…?


All day Edward had been passing the practically glowing posters, informing everyone that the Summer Time Ball was quickly approaching and that everyone needs to get their partners and tickets soon!

This is perfect, Edward thought, I can ask Bella to the Ball (oh, she'll look so beautiful in a dress…) and that night she'll realise how madly in love she is with me and beg me to take her to Vegas right that second and marry her! I can even wait until after the wedding to have sex with her! Yes, yes, yes, this is going to be great!

With a little hop in his step (which could have easily been passed off as the way he usually walks) Edward charged down the crowded hallways to Biology, where he knew Bella would be waiting for him.

And she was.

Oh, she's so hot…

Edward almost tripped over his stool when taking a seat, but caught the edge of the table before falling. His clumsiness had Bella nudge against the desk in a shock, if only his hair could cover the red, embarrassed embellishment on his cheeks.

"Oh, are you okay, Edward?"

He felt like a complete idiot; not only for tripping when it isn't hard to walk and sit down without incident, but also for making Bella aware of the situation. If he can't sit on a stool properly, how the hell is meant to slow dance in a room full of love-struck Laughing Hyenas and the girl he loves?

"I am fine…thank you. How, er…how are you?"

"I am great, thanks." You look great, too.

His palms were sweating and his glasses constantly fell down the bridge of his nose, yet he didn't give up and continued to get the right words formed before asking Bella to be his date, and whether they should book the tickets for Vegas now or later…


She turned her head and smiled at him pleasantly, "yeah?"

Great start. Just keep this up and no way could she refuse.


"Sorry, what did you say?"

I said that plenty loud enough! Would you like me to use a microphone…you gorgeous, gorgeous girl…

"Um…the Ball…coming up…you want to go…together…with…me?"

The look of pain and guilt flashed across her eyes and she bit her lip with nerves. "Oh, Edward…I'm so sorry, Tyler's already asked me and…I said I'd go with him. But I would have loved to have been your date…"

Play it cool, play it cool. Don't let her see how broken you are inside.

"Ha!" Yeah, laugh it off, "I meant….ha!...date? No…I…ha! I meant friends! Like…gay best friends… Shit."

The first rule when trying to get a girl to like you is never, ever, have her think that you are gay or you think she is. Idiot!

Edward did his best to amend his slip-up, "not that I think you're gay…or that I am gay…but…um…did you know there is a type of spider that can change its colour to blend in with the background?"

Second rule when trying to get a girl to like you: NEVER BRING UP SPIDER FACTS!

Bella looked a little scared, "Um…no, I didn't…that's…that's really fascinating."

Mr. Banner/Igor decided to start the class at that point; squinting around the whole room, making sure everyone was there – and that his good eye could count all the bodies.

Three weeks later, they finished school and started getting ready for Graduation. This is the time when everyone leaves and becomes doctors, brain surgeons, or Burger Flipper One in McDonalds. Bella was heading off to Phoenix and Edward never had the balls to speak to her again.

Chapter One.

"Padre, Padre, Padre, Padre, Padre, Padre, Padre…"

I groaned, rubbing my weary eyes at morning sun, "what is it, Coop?"

"Good morning, Padre, can we go and get my Python now, please?"

Same shit, different morning. "How many times have I told you, Coop? You're not getting a Python."

"Yes, but how many times have I told you that I can't speak Italian yet here I am saying 'father' in the language." He spoke in his usual 'I'm-so-much-better-than-you-so-get-over-it' voice.

"Right, and what does that mean?"

"That means…well, I don't exactly know what that means, but can we still go and get my Python?"

"Cooper, for goodness sake, you are not getting a Python. You can get a Corn snake, but not a Python."

My son stamped his feet and gave me the angry Cooper Eyes, "but they're boring – they don't kill people."

"And that is exactly why I am not allowing my seven-year-old to have one."

"Urghh….Can we still go to the pet shop anyway?"

How could I say no to that face? "Of course we can, bud, but don't get your hopes up; we have enough animals already." I stretched on my bed then got up to start the morning, brushing Cooper's blonde hair with my hand as I did so.

"We don't actually have that many…just three Red Eye Tree frogs, a Leopard gecko and 2 guinea pigs."

"Yes, and that is plenty for the time being. Can I have my shower now?"

"Si si, Padre!" And with a two-fingered salute, he ran out the room.


"Papa, papa!" The apparently-bilingual seven-year-old had one of his many animal books clutched tight to his chest.

"You're speaking French now?"

"Oui, oui! Anyway, guess what I found out, Papa?"

"Um…your dad is the greatest person in the world?"

Cooper bent over the kitchen table when taking in a spoonful of cereal, he shook his head and smiled as milk dribbled down his chin, "nope, I knew that already! I found out that Ball Pythons can be known as one of the best pet-snakes and aren't venomous and can be no threat to a child. See! I can get one!"

Oooh, shit. "Yes, but, Coop, they are still powerful snakes and I would not be doing my job as a father if I allowed you to get something like that. Maybe when you're older, okay?"

He slumped in rejection – it broke my freaking heart – but then flicked through the pages of his book and started to smile again. "In that case how about I get a Chilean Rose Tarantula? You like spiders and they are big and cool and furry!"

"I'm sorry, bud, I don't think the pet shop sells them. Why don't we get some cool fish?" I even stuck my thumb up to emphasise how cool they were…but clearly not to my son.

"Fish are boring…unless we get piranhas!" Oh, Jesus wept… "One last thing, dad."

"Before you ask, no, we are not getting scorpions, or Rattle snakes, or anything else that could possibly kill you."

"I wasn't going to ask that…but that would be so cool! I was going to ask if I could take swimming lessons? Auntie Alice was telling Auntie Rose yesterday when you were working that their friend has started a swimming lessons class."

"Oh! Well, yeah, sure bud, that would be great."

"Awesome! They said you liked her at school and that her name was Bella…"


"Re-really?" Yes, I freaking chocked. "Did they say anything else?"

"Um…oh yeah! They said you gots stiff wood for her."

Double shit...


If you've seen RPattz in The Bad Mother's Handbook then you'll know what my nerdy Edward looked like…if you haven't, then Google that cute little muffin!

If you would like to read more and have fallen in love with Cooper just as much as I have, then leave me a review telling me so and I'll hope to see you next time!