"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings earlier love, I was just trying to fix those cupboards." he says apologetically and I nod into his chest and sigh.
"It's fine." I mutter quietly into his chest.
"It's just hard having the distraction of a beautiful girl like you in front of me." he says sweetly and I nod into his chest.
"Whats wrong, J?" he asks me noticing how I didn't come up with some witty answer in return or any answer.
"Nothing." I mumble.
"I know something's wrong, please just tell me. I don't want secrets between us." he says and I just about gawk at his words.
"Yeah well neither do i." I say.
"What is that supposed to mean?" he asks me and I shake my head and pull away from him and sit on the bed with my chin in my palm, half facing him.
"I um found your pot." I say while looking at my hands.
"You did, huh?" he says and I nod continuing to avert his gaze.
"Why have you always said and continue to say no secrets between us but you're just being a hypocrite keeping something like that from me." I say while picking at a thread on the blanket on our bed.
"I don't need your approval to smoke." he says strongly suddenly putting up his guard and tough guy demeanor like he always does when feeling threatened.
"Fine, if you're going to act like this then I just, I won't be honest with you anymore." I say and get up and walk downstairs frustrated and fed up with his bullshit.
"It's not like I lied to you about it!" he says from behind me and I enter the kitchen and go for the fridge.
"But you kept that from me, Paul! You lied to me saying how you want us to never have secrets between each other and then here you are keeping this secret that you're doing drugs for I don't know how long." I say frustrated while facing him after I close the door shut and he looks obviously mad.
"And you aren't keeping anything from me?" he asks to my surprise.
"That doesn't matter, what matters is to you lying about this to me!" I say dodging the bullet.
"You lying to me is equally as bad as me lying to you! Don't you realize that?" he says angrily and i shake my head and look away from him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I say repeating a previous question of mine.
"Way to change the subject, J! Why does it fricken matter anyways?" he says and I gawk at him.
"You didn't answer me." I state.
"Yeah well neither did you." he says and I shake my head with a sigh.
"Why didn't you tell me you smoke pot, Paul? Has it been all of these 2 years we've been dating or just a few months? Because I have no idea how I just noticed it now!" I say getting fed up with this.
"Since late '64." he admits seeming to be ashamed and I nod slowly, over a year of hiding it from me, I feel so pathetic. Moments like this make me wonder why I would ever want to marry him.
"I-I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend, being meticulous of all that you do and I'm not like that! I just, I don't want you to make bad decisions-." I say before he cuts in.
"You just said you don't want to be the controlling type and you then say you're judging my decisions! What kind of bullshit is that, Jackie?! I'm almost 24, not a fricken kid, I can make my own decisions obviously and I don't need somebody younger then me judging me and telling me whether they're good or bad! I do what I want." he says and his words surprise me and make me doubt a lot with us. Gosh I wish I didn't live with him and bought two houses with him, I'm so mad at him right now.
"So I'm just some kid to you, huh? I never said you couldn't make your own decisions and I'm sorry if I judge them sometimes but you don't remember how protective and controlling you can be sometimes with me. And sometimes its too much for me Paul, this is all too much for me." I say and I see his face immediately fall at my words and he looks remorseful and sad.
"You, you want to break up?" he asks me with a weak voice as I see tears form in his eyes.
"I don't know. I'm more concerned if you do, because sometimes, a lot lately I feel like you don't want to be with me anymore. Right now I don't even think you want to be dating me anymore." I say sadly as tears build in my eyes.
"What do you want, Jackie? Do you want to break up? Because I don't want you to be in this relationship if you're not happy." he asks me as he stuffs his hands in his pockets while his voice threatens to break on him.
I look to my feet as tears drop from my eyes and hit the floor and I decide what to do. I have always been afraid of losing him, but he was never exactly mine and this is all so hard and I don't know why I've always been so secure in the knowledge we'd be together forever.
"Tell me what you want? Because I don't want you to be in this if you're unhappy, either." I say as tears stream down my cheeks and I see a few escape Paul's eyes.
"Okay, but don't let it change your answer, no matter what I say. I am extremely happy being with you, I can't ever remember being this happy, even when I was a kid before my mum died. I can tell anything to you and I love and cherish that, but I was afraid to tell you so I didn't tell you. I was afraid you'd be really mad about it and I dunno, possibly leave me. Yeah maybe we do fight a lot and I absolutely hate it, but it makes us stronger as a couple and-." he says but starts to cry and stops and I wait patiently.
"I don't want to lose you, Jackie. But I don't want you to feel like you're being forced and held into this relationship if you're unhappy being with me." he says and cries more so I walk over to him and wrap my arms around him and he hoists me up into his arms with my legs around his waist, his arms under my butt and my arms around his neck. We hold each other close and tightly as we both cry into each other necks and I now am doubting my previous decision of not staying with him.