Congratulations on your purchase of SUPERNATURAL SYSTEM'S top-quality DEAN WINCHESTER™ unit! Thanks to SUPERNATURAL SYSTEM'S superior design and craftsmanship, the DEAN WINCHESTER™ unit is leading the field in functionality, durability, and consumer satisfaction. A portion of the proceeds from sale of this unit will be donated to the Li'l Hunters' Foundation, dedicated to providing self-defense training to all of Dean Winchester's illegitimate children.
Consumer Safety Warning: This product has been field-tested for safety in keeping with U.S. law HR213.17. Compliance with the law indicates that the unit is non-carcinogenic and is not corrosive to standard household materials. Flammability of the unit could not be tested, as the unit persistently attacked consumer safety testing staff while screaming, "I'm not a ghost; you're a ghost!" and brandishing an iron table leg. The consumer assumes all liability for any and all damage to people and property through the use of this unit.
Your DEAN WINCHESTER™ unit comes equipped with a variety of accessories. Please note that actual firearms are only included if, at the time your order was placed, you provided your certified SUPERNATURAL SYSTEMS vendor with evidence of appropriate firearms licensure for your state or province. If a firearms license was not provided, plastic replicas have been substituted; the DEAN WINCHESTER™ unit has been programmed to shout "bang!" when discharging replica firearms.
Casual outfit, consisting of blue jeans, black t-shirt, and unbuttoned plaid cotton shirt
Pressed suit with SUPERNATURAL SYSTEMS' patented auto-maintenance technology. The suit will remain clean and pressed at all times even though it is never ironed or dry-cleaned.
God-detecting gold necklace
Sawed-off shotgun (homemade)
Bottle of gin which is always 1/3 full regardless of how much is consumed
Flask of holy water (Holiness not guaranteed – water was blessed by a guy who claimed to be a priest but I don't think he was speaking Latin...or English for that matter…and he smelled like cooking sherry and I'm pretty sure he stole a stapler.)
Three (3) cellular phones, each registered to a different alias.
Five (5) fake IDs, consisting of a random assortment of state and federal agencies.
Three (3) fraudulent credit cards. Please note that SUPERNATURAL SYSTEMS includes these items for novelty purposes only and bears no liability should consumers attempt to use them.
Voucher good for one (1) complimentary STD screening, sponsored by Trickstecorp Pharmeceuticals, makers of once-daily Herpexia™
CAS-IN-THE-ASS – If this optional accessory is included in your DEAN WINCHESTER™, wifi-enabled hardware has been installed in your unit's buttocks, which will vibrate and play subtly intense orchestral music in the presence of a SUPERNATURAL SYSTEMS CASTIEL™ unit.
Set-up and activation:
To activate your DEAN WINCHESTER™, position the powered-down unit in the driver's seat of a classic car. The vehicle need not be expensive, but it must be manufactured prior to 1972 and be in good condition. The radio should be turned on and tuned to a classic rock station. If no radio is available or an appropriate station cannot be located, other in-car music source may be substituted, such as cassette tape, CD, or digital music player (e.g., iPod or similar) dock, though the latter option is likely to elicit irritable behavior from DEAN WINCHESTER™.
After the set-up is complete, sit in the passenger's seat and turn on your DEAN WINCHESTER™. The unit will immediately assume that you are his younger brother, even if you are female, older than him, or of a different race.
To test that set-up was performed correctly, stare moodily out the window and complain about the music. If DEAN WINCHESTER™ has been properly activated, he will scoff and call you bitch. If he does not, power down the unit and attempt set-up from the beginning.
Modes of operation:
Protective brother – This is the default mode which DEAN WINCHESTER™ operates. DEAN WINCHESTER™, believing you to be his younger brother, will stop at nothing to ensure your health and safety, up to and including multiple felonies. He will tease you mercilessly and take your things, but at moments of weakness (such as when ill, injured, or intoxicated), he will admit that you are perhaps the most important person in his life. He will then put depilatory cream in your shampoo.
Dutiful son – To activate this mode, drastically reduce the rate of attention and praise provided to your DEAN WINCHESTER™ unit. Give DEAN WINCHESTER™ vague, cryptic directions and then express deep disappointment when he does not do exactly what you wanted. Once this mode is activated, DEAN WINCHESTER™ will follow your orders without fail. He will also begin to copy your clothing choices, music preferences, and career interests. Please note that in some cases, this will lead to DEAN WINCHESTER™ adopting a flamboyantly feminine appearance; this will not change his personality.
Hunter – This mode can be activated in several ways. If Dutiful Son has already been activated, simply command DEAN WINCHESTER™ to investigate a phenomenon. If not, provide him with an ambiguous clue. This can easily be done by creating a fake online newspaper with the SEO tag "freaky accidents." Other effective methods include phoning in a tip while pretending to be an old friend of his father's named Stabby Jim, convincing him that the investigation will include multiple stops in a nearby brothel, and simply waiting for him to stumble across a hunt by coincidence. (Consumers should be aware that these coincidences will occur with uncanny frequency once DEAN WINCHESTER™ is activated.) While in Hunter mode, Dean Winchester will pursue and vanquish any troublesome supernatural creatures, but he will not under any circumstances shoot you venison for dinner. No matter what, DEAN WINCHESTER™ will not kill Bambi.
Con Man – DEAN WINCHESTER™ has an astounding capacity for assuming false identities, gaining access to secure sites, and convincing civilians to trust him. If you are short on funds, DEAN WINCHESTER™ will win untraceable cash from drifters by hustling pool or cards. If you follow his lead, he can get you access to police evidence lockers, medical record rooms, and backstage private parties at rock concerts.
Diet – Nutritional analysis indicates that DEAN WINCHESTER™ requires approximately 4-6 bacon cheeseburgers per week, in addition to other miscellaneous fast food. A minimum of 120 grams of pie daily (approximately 1/8 of a whole pie) is necessary to prevent irritability and promote maximum satisfaction.
Alcohol – Consumption needs vary with your DEAN WINCHESTER™ unit's emotional state. When untroubled, he will consume only 1-2 beers and/or shots of liquor, primarily in the context of socializing with friends or flirting with women. When struggling with memories of his time in Hell, DEAN WINCHESTER™ will need ample liquor before sleep and immediately upon waking. When coping with the death of Castiel, the DEAN WINCHESTER™ unit can be expected to gradually drink a liquor store over the course of 3 – 4 months. To prevent liver damage, owners are encouraged to restrict the alcohol intake of DEAN WINCHESTER™ or prevent him from experiencing grief.
Bathing – DEAN WINCHESTER™ prefers frequent long, hot showers, preferably with access to waterproof pornography. Rhythmic splashing, knocking, and grunting noises are part of the unit's standard operation and are not cause for alarm. Based on the purchaser's preferences, it is either highly advisable, or highly inadvisable to interrupt DEAN WINCHSTER™ in the shower.
Exercise – Due to advances in SUPERNATURAL SYSTEMS patented ab-lock technology, DEAN WINCHESTER™ is able to remain in peak physical condition without requiring any regular exercise. He does, however, enjoy long walks on the beach.
Frequently Asked Questions:
(Q) My DEAN WINCHESTER™ has been arrested!
(A) That's not a question.
(Q) Yeah, but what do I do?
(A) First, don't panic. Second, panic, watch television, eat a bagel, pretty much do whatever the hell you want. It doesn't matter. DEAN WINCHESTER™ is made of a special LEGAL TEFLON™ which prevents any charges from sticking for more than one episode, typically less than one week by standard timekeeping. DEAN WINCHESTER™ will escape, convince his captors that he really is a good guy, or save the prison from a supernatural threat.
(Q) I purchased a DEAN WINCHESTER™ unit last year and kept it in storage for several months before activation. I did the set up as described in the manual, but all he'll talk about is horseback riding and the Dallas cowboys. What the hell?
(A) All DEAN WINCHESTER™ units have a "best if activated by" date stamped on the left thigh. When a stale unit is activated, the results can be unpredictable. Your unit appears to be displaying JENSEN ACKLES programming.
(Q) Me and my DEAN WINCHESTER™ have-
(A) My DEAN WINCHESTER™ and I.
(Q) Okay, my DEAN WINCHESTER™ and I have been hunting a ghost that's been plaguing a morally ambiguous Midwestern town. How do we kill it?
(A) How do you kill a ghost? You're asking me how to kill a ghost? Do you even watch the show? Let's say you cover its corpse with cinnamon and then dance the Macarena. Stupid amateurs.
Further Questions or Comments:
Please direct all mail to
A Hole in the Ground
Detroit, MN 56501
A/N - I was inspired by the Operations manuals written by RoseOwl, available right here on FFN.