Blog Entry: #1shepfan007
Hi, my name is Conrad Verner! I am the biggest fan of Mass Effect EVER. I have EVERY collector's edition and I stalked half a dozen Bioware employees to get them to sign my copies. I even have the same name as one of the characters in Mass Effect, but I'm not a total loser like that guy. We do look the same though, but if I were in the ME universe I wouldn't be such a jerk to Commander Shepard. My shrine is much better anyway. It's where I keep all my Mass Effect models!
I totally ship Shepard/Liara because she is SO HOT and I think that the best is fem shep because she can also be totally hot. I started dating my wife Lisa because she looks just like fem shep 6 from the Bioware contest. I think she married me because I'm an engineer with a doctorate in Biochemistry and I make lots of money, but you can see from the pictures I have all over my blog that she's totally hot.
Tune in next week when I explain why the indoctrination theory is totally wrong and Bioware's endings are the BEST EVER.
The Real World
Conrad put the finishing touches on his blog and stretched, pausing to lovingly caress his full size femship statue he had commissioned. It was pretty sweet, in the same pose she had on the cover and everything. It had cost him almost as much as his car, but it had been totally worth it.
"Conrad, are you coming to bed? I like, totally have to work in the morning." Lisa, Conrad's wife, called.
Poking her head into the den, Lisa rolled her eyes. "You know, the only good thing about this pit is that statue of me. Though I don't know why I couldn't be wearing something pretty at least."
The nagging guilt over the lie Conrad had told Lisa about the statue was so quiet by now that Conrad quashed it with little effort. "Aw but Lisa, I've got all my models and everything here. Even Wrex!"
Lisa was possibly Conrad's most expensive hobby, but she really did look exactly like femShep #6, and besides, it didn't cost the hundreds of thousands of dollars Conrad made every year to buy all the Mass Effect models. Both of them were happy with the relationship for the most part. Conrad made all the money that paid for Lisa's expensive clothes and tastes, and Lisa consented to occasionally play dress up for him, go to cons with him, and consummate their marriage during the rare times Conrad wasn't obsessing over something.
"After a bit Lisa, I have to finish myself insert fic where I save the citadel by stopping Cerberus and kill Udina!" Conrad replied.
The fanfic comment just prompted another eye roll. "Well you're not getting any tonight if you don't come to bed. I'm tired after all that shopping we did today."
Choosing between sex and Mass Effect was hard, but Conrad knew what choice he had to make. "How about in the morning? You don't have to go in till 9 right?"
"Whatever." Lisa declared, and sulked out. She was wearing the N7 briefs Conrad had got her and nothing else, and he almost changed his mind. But he was a dedicated man.
That night Conrad was especially dedicated, working till he fell asleep on his keyboard typing of his adventures with Shepard on the citadel.
The Mass Effect Universe
Conrad awoke in a familiar position, his face on the keyboard with a little drool hanging from his lips. What was unfamiliar was the fact that the keyboard was a glowing orange hologram, and that seemingly overnight his Shepard shrine had turned into an entirely male ensemble.
"Whu? Where's my femSheps?" Conrad murmured. He grabbed a model to examine it more closely. It showed a far younger Shepard, and instead of plastic it was a strange substance Conrad had never felt before. On the base it said "The Hero of The Blitz! Sergeant Eric J. Shepard!"
"Eric? But I always named my male Sheps Conrad and played them as Earthborn/Colonist." Conrad muttered. He pawed through the rest.
All the Shepard's were younger than the ones in the games, and none of them mentioned anything about Shepard being a specter or even the hero of the citadel. And none of them showed Shepard during ME 2 or 3, or femShep. There were no Garrus's, no Liara's, no Wrex's. It was a sad collection now, even Conrad's custom version of the SR1 Normandy was missing.
"What's going on!" Conrad wailed.
His panic was interupted by a the sound of a door bell. Conrad hurried to the door, still to distressed to notice his house had changed to an apartment over night.
He threw open the door to see a bored looking salarian waiting for him.
"Ah, human, good to see you yes. Your latest package is here. Thumb print please." The salarian droned.
"But you're a salarian!" Conrad gasped, "A real Salarian!"
"Yes, human," The salarian sighed, "I am indeed a real salarian." He checked the package. "You are Dr. Conrad Verner yes?"
"Yeah, I am." Conrad managed, putting his thumb on the proffered scanner.
"Have a pleasant day human." The salarian stated, then turned and walked away.
Conrad took a moment to look around. He appeared to be in a well it apartment block with sleek, futuristic looking buildings. Various aliens, quite a few of which Conrad didn't even recognize, wandered about.
Slightly dazed, Conrad stepped inside and tore open his package.
"Limited Collector's Edition: NEW! FIRST HUMAN SPECTER COMMANDER SHEPARD!" Conrad read.
He blinked several times, then screamed "OH MY GOD I AM IN THE MASS EFFECT UNIVERSE!"
Running back to his shrine room, Conrad logged into the extra net and did some research on himself. He was Conrad Verner, Doctor of Xenobiology. He read up on his notes, and before long his Shepard doll was forgotten. A few of the formula's and equations he looked up were confusing at first, but once he found a text book (Written by him) it seemed like memories floated to the surface and he found himself nodding more and more. Of course, this all made sense! He was a bio-engineer in the boring universe, but here he was a xenosciences doctor. He apparently worked as an independent contractor, and when Conrad checked his bank account (the password and user name was stored in the same place he had kept it back home: behind his large framed picture of Shepard) he saw that he had several millions of credits saved up. He gasped in shock, he never had that much money back home!
"Lisa, Lisa you will never believe this! We're in the Mass Effect universe!" Conrad shrieked, and ran into his bedroom.
It was deserted, and only his own clothing was in the closet, his own toothbrush in the bathroom. This was a disappointment to Conrad, he had no one to brag to now, but compared to being in the Mass Effect Universe it wasn't worth crying about.
Conrad hurriedly got dressed and headed out to explore his new home. He had an omni-tool that after a few minutes of fiddling he managed to access. He was on the Citadel, in one of the wards. For hours Conrad wandered, awestruck by the various alien figures he was seeing. The asari were more alien then in the games, their eyes slightly off, their build slightly wrong for a human. They did extrude sexy though, and Conrad was certain that this Shepard would hook up with Liara. Or maybe Miranda. Conrad was always fond of those ships for a male Shepard.
The salarians were more frantic then a game could ever capture, always in motion, eyes always flitting, mouths seemingly always moving. They also seemed to twitch constantly, as if responding to stimuli that human senses just couldn't see. Conrad hoped he got to see Mordin, or maybe even hear him sing. Mordin was AWESOME.
More than a few turians passed Conrad in the ward's halls, their stern faces ignoring the look of childlike glee on Conrad's own. Their eyes were bright and alive though, and their head quills twitched along with their mandibles as they talked to companions or into communicators.
Other races, volus, elcor, hannar, and more than a few strange beings in twos or threes Conrad hadn't even seen in concept art, were present as well, but the big three and the humans Conrad ignored, were the most populous.
Conrad finally stopped at a cafe and ordered some asari cuisine, which he sat down and devoured with gusto.
"Did you hear?" A turian voice behind Conrad spoke, "The human's finally did it. Got a candidate into the specters."
"I did," Another turian replied, "And I for one have to say it's about time. My father fought in the Relay 314 Incident, and from what he told me he's never seen a more capable race of fighters. They fought smart and dirty, perfect tactics for specters."
"If you say so." The first voice replied, "Personally I don't know about that, but it's about time they started doing something for the galaxy instead of just taking away."
"True enough. The Council is more then happy to have them as a bulwark against the Batarians at least."
"No kidding. The Hierarchy has its hands full keeping the peace in Citadel space, a full scale war is the last thing we need."
The rest of the conversation didn't interest Conrad, so he stuffed the rest of the food in his mouth, left a generous tip on the table, and hurried out the door. So Shepard was just starting his career as a Specter! Conrad knew one place he could find Shepard for sure, the ward markets. Conrad just knew he had to join Shepard's crew. He knew everything about Mass Effect, and had a dozen ways for Shepard to beat Saren and save the Citadel, AND beat the Reapers. He might need to explain why he was here though, and Conrad had to think furiously to come up with an explanation.
His omni-tool showed that it would be hours and hours of walking the kilometers to the ward markets, so Conrad hired a taxi to take him there. It was driven by a human, a middle aged woman of Indian descent who was happy enough to chat with a member of her species.
"So do you know of Commander Shepard is here on the citadel?" Conrad asked.
"Hmm, I think so." She replied, "He's back from a mission off somewhere to check in with the Council I think. "
Conrad's heart sped up in excitement. "Oh boy, I hope I get to see him! I'm the commander's biggest fan!"
The driver chuckled. "You and my daughter. She thinks' he's terribly handsome, spends quite a bit of time on the extra net looking up pictures of him. She wrote her last report in school on him, got an +A too."
"Fem shep is better, it's too bad it's male shep." Conrad mused aloud.
"What are you babbling about? Fem Shep? I thought his name was Eric James Shepard."
"Wow, isn't it cool to know his name? They never say it in the games."
This confused the driver further. "Games? What games? Why wouldn't they say the commander's name?"
"Oh, never mind." Conrad waved his hand, dismissing the idea. "I'll just have to convince him to let me join his crew since this is a self insert."
Now the driver was beginning to suspect she had a mad man on board. "Can you pay for this trip? You're not drunk are you? I just had these seats cleaned."
"Oh yeah, let me swipe my chit." Conrad assured her.
That contented the driver. People were entitled to be insane, as long as they paid in full. And tipped as well as this guy did.
She let Conrad off with a wave, calling, "Good luck joining the Commander's crew!"
"Thanks!" Conrad called, which prompted a chuckle from the driver as she pulled away.
Conrad hurried over to market stairs. He knew he could recognize Shepard, it was the default male face, so it wouldn't be hard. Was he a Renegade or a Paragon? Soldier, Vanguard, Engineer? So many possibilities!
"I'm telling you Shepard, Morlan's slime but he's got good deals. I've dealt with him before." A deep krogan voice rumbled.
"Morlan's scum, I busted him half a dozen times for illegal mods." A turian shot back.
"Why do you think I bought from him? Legal stuffs just crap."
Conrad turned and nearly wet himself in excitement. Approaching him was Garrus Vakarian and Urdnot Wrex, the real deals! And with them, Shepard!
"Is that really, oh wow it's you!" Conrad gasped.
"Hello, do I know you?" Shepard asked politely, pausing for a moment.
"You're Commander Shepard, the hero of Eden Prime!" Conrad babbled, "I am so honored to meet you!"
Shepard stuck out his hand and smiled. "Nice to meet you. And you are?"
"My name is Conrad Verner! They say you killed more than a hundred geth on Eden Prime!" Conrad bubbled.
"I spent most of the time trying to stay alive and help the colonists." Shepard replied modestly.
"Hey, I know you're busy saving the galaxy, but do you have time for a quick autograph?" Conrad pleaded, holding out his omni-tool.
Shepard gave him a winning smile. "Anything for a fan." The commander reached over and quickly signed the digital pad. "Here you go."
"Thanks, I really appreciate it, my wife is going to be so impressed!" Conrad cheered, "I've got to go show her, thanks again! Next time you're on the citadel I'll have to buy you a drink!"
"I might have to take you up on that. Take care." Shepard answered.
Conrad hurried off, and it was several minutes before he realized that Lisa was now a universe away and unable to see his trophy. Conrad smacked himself on the forehead. "I forgot to tell the Commander about the Reapers and everything else! I didn't even ask him to let me join his crew!"
Conrad hurried back, but Shepard was gone. He asked Morlan if he had seen where Shepard had gone, but when he searched in the direction Morlan indicated, Shepard was nowhere to be found.
"Oh well, I know he'll be back." Conrad sighed. He was never going to wash his hand though, Shepard had actually touched him!
Conrad hurried home and posted on the extranet about his encounter. There were plenty of fans who followed his blog here too, and before long Conrad got lost in writing his own fanfiction where he and Shepard fought off the batarians in the Skyllian Blitz together. What a day!
Ok, so this is obviously a bit of a parody of self insert fics. It's also in response to LyingOwl-Aria's challenge in the Aria's Afterlife forum, which you should visit since it's awesome. This fic will be 20 chapters long and 80k-100k words as per the instructions. And no, it won't be serious.