Warnings for mentions of drug abuse, surgical procedures, swearing.
Chandler had been sitting at a staircase, scribbling illegible Biology homework that was due after his lunch period. His black boots were dull and old but he loved them. His pants were tight around his ankles, and fit perfectly around his hips. He wore a black jacket over a white shirt that was fully buttoned. His beanie, also black, failed to hide his stuck-out blonde hair. He fixed his amber-coloured thick-framed glasses and then went back to writing. His words became less legible over time. A figure approached the blonde, a figure with a smile on his face that was far too warm for being just a smile.
"You didn't get my break-up sweater?"
Chandler chuckled, as he looked up to stare at Kurt's face. Kurt's eyes glittered in that blue he simply adored. Kurt had sat down beside Chandler in that moment, and had glanced quickly at his scribble. "I did," Chandler finally said, finally realising that Kurt had actually said a few words. "And I adore it, but I have to take it to change sizes so I'll wear it tomorrow because Kurt, when I wore it, I swore it was so tight it outlined my lungs. That was pretty creepy."
Kurt chuckled, shaking his head as they sat down in silence. They came accustomed to silence long after the break-up because Chandler didn't really know what to say most of the time that wasn't bringing back dark scars and fresh wounds.
Chandler tried not to look into Kurt's eyes. It wasn't too hard because he was trying to focus on the assignment. He was stuck on oogenesis and spermatogenesis, lightly drawing circles on paper. He mindlessly tried to busy himself in any way possible that wasn't looking into Kurt's eyes.
"I'm sorry," Kurt murmured after a while.
Chandler smiled and then lied. "It's okay." Somehow, the lie stabbed a part in his chest.
"No," Kurt spotted it out and shook his head. "Don't lie to me, Chandler Kiehl."
"You can always tell," Chandler always knew that Kurt was special. He was still special. He forgot how they fell apart really. He finally quickly wrote an oversimplified answer to the question, and found himself stuck on the next one. He blinked a few times, mentally calculating how much bad of a grade he'd get if he didn't answer the next three questions. "You're so smart," he added on.
"You're smart too, Chandler," Kurt concluded, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Remember? You reminded me how badly that…that disgusting, revolting red sweater was, especially to my eyes and complexion?"
Chandler chortled, looking down at his coursework. At the back of his head, he thought of how bad his handwriting was. "It wasn't that bad," he hummed.
"Are you insane?" Kurt shook his head, distraught at the idea.
Chandler giggled, shaking his head at the implications. "So, I'm not stupid, but I'm definitely insane?"
"That's the best kind of thing to be," Kurt murmured, leaning backwards. "If you want, you can get into psychiatry or psychology. You need to be a little crazy to be interested in crazy people, but there's no room for being stupid."
Chandler smiled at the thought of Kurt thinking he was smart enough to enter psychology, but the point remained still. Chandler hated psychology. He hated anything with an –ology afterwards really, which was obvious as he was stuck in Biology assignments regularly. "I got a cat," Chandler murmured. "It's the product of our break-up."
"Fitting. I hate cats," Kurt muttered, shaking his head at those little nightmares. "Babies. Cats. Anything that is cute literally also spells evil. You're a living example of so as well."
Chandler's cheeks slightly coloured as he giggled again. He felt like he was love-struck all over again. "Sebastian used to have a dog so I couldn't…" his voice wavered off slightly at the memory of his former friend. Sebastian, with his tall stature, confident posture and happy eyes. What had become of his former best friend? Abandoned for a year. "I screwed up really bad," he added on, voice wavering off slightly.
"Oh no, honey," Kurt shook his head, placing a hand on Chandler's shoulder in comfort. "I'm sure Sebastian would understand. I know I would."
Chandler arched an eyebrow. "You know, when you're trying to comfort me, you should say something that's really accurate considering that Sebastian wouldn't understand. He's rash and annoyed really easily and if I don't answer his calls once or twice, he bitches at me for not caring. He's not really the kind that'll…'understand'. I don't know what I did. It's so confusing. I didn't even notice."
Kurt smiled weakly. "Product of love I suppose," he muttered. "So, what if you wanted to forget the world for a bit? Live in a romantic fantasy? Besides, I'm certain that I'm quite the charmer," he added on with a wider smile at the end, and brilliant blue eyes glistening under lights.
"You are," Chandler nodded his head, but then immediately shook his head afterwards. "It's just that Sebastian wouldn't get that because he really doesn't believe in love and stuff like that. He kinda doesn't care about excuses. He doesn't like them."
"It isn't an excuse, Chandler," Kurt huffed. "I'll talk to him if you want—"
"And start a war of sexual tension?" Chandler raised an eyebrow. "No, thank you," he muttered.
"As if I would ever make-out with your meerkat-like friend. I'd rather go out with local geek Blaine Anderson, have sex with him and then have three of his children—which isn't even possible," Kurt explained, sighing. He placed his elbows on his knees. He looked at the passing people. Just them on the stairway, talking and wondering if people were actually listening to their conversation.
"I wouldn't know," Chandler mumbled. "I'm failing Biology, and Chemistry—and psychology."
Kurt seemed shocked by this knowledge. "Weren't you passing the last few years?"
Chandler nodded his head slowly. "Yeah, Sebastian used to help—well, he'd call me stupid a lot before he'd explain something but he explained it in baby-talk and I got it. He also is really good at explaining stuff that has a lot of detail," and with that confession, he blushed even more.
Kurt stared at him as if he'd confessed to having a mutated dragon child. His eyes coloured in disbelief. "I didn't even think Sebastian was passing anything, let alone tutoring you," Kurt muttered, looking at a mass of rusty lockers in front of him.
"He's actually really smart," Chandler commented. "He just doesn't work. He likes to sit at home, mumbling about how there's nothing to do but won't set foot into school for more than like three days a week. Sometimes, I can get him to come a whole week if I'm really nice. He just gets to pass because his Dad likes putting in money and bribing people with money and Sebastian's like his angel."
Kurt seemed shocked at this piece of information. "I thought a strict man like Jean Smythe would surely be asserting some discipline on Sebastian."
"Nope," Chandler nearly laughed at the idea. "Even if Bassie was doing drugs or having sex with a lot of men, he wouldn't care. He'd probably just fire anyone who has a problem with it. Not like Bassie would ever do drugs or throw himself around or anything."
Kurt looked away from Chandler's face, erecting a response of pure confusion from Chandler. "What's wrong, Kurtie?"
"Nothing, Chandler. Just…go back to your Biology."
Chandler tried to focus back on his Biology but it was drab, so he ended up scanning the hallway. He watched people pass by. It was a dull distraction. That was when Chandler caught Sebastian pass by him to go to his locker. Chandler gawked at Sebastian for the longest of time, watching him pull out a few notebooks from his locker. The minute that Sebastian had turned around, Chandler swore that his heart hurt him to stare at his former friend.
Sebastian's eyes were severely bloodshot in a way worried the blonde. He was pretty much decked in clothing inappropriate for the weather itself. Long-sleeved baggy clothing that hid ninety percent of his body like he was more than anything ashamed of it. Chandler had watched him for the longest of times. What was once a confident and arrogant boy seemed shrunken, tired and withdrawn. He still had that sardonic darkness in a cloud that was practically hovering with him, but he looked different. The kind of different that made Chandler's heart hurt.
Chandler stood there, completely astounded by the sudden transformation of his childhood best friend, as he looked back into Kurt's soulful blue eyes. So, Kurt knew about this?
Kurt seemed to read the pain very quickly, as he asked. "What's wrong, Chandler?"
The words rolled off his tongue before Chandler can stop him. "He doesn't look like Bassie anymore," and then he flicked his eyes in the direction where Sebastian had – English. Chandler can see him walk again inside the room again, from sheer memory – far too proud and deadly arrogant as he smiled, smirked and spoke with an incredible amount of hubris in his composition. Now, he seemed quite flaky. He looked smaller than usual, standing there only moments ago. He hadn't quite seen Sebastian in that state before. Was that how he was wandering around for most of last year? How blind had Chandler been then? To not notice the gradual transformation until it was too much and it was too late. There were too many things wrong right now. Even the boy's posture had changed. The only thing that was Sebastian's was the fact that his face was still the same, but otherwise, the smallest thing – such as his facial expression – had changed. Chandler can deduce enough from those few seconds of just observing Sebastian from a distance.
"People change I suppose," Kurt mumbled, as he looked down at his lap.
"That drastically?" Chandler inquired, feeling something in his chest. "Something feels really off," he added on, and he can feel it in his shaking bones. He didn't know what it was, but it was there for a reason. Something really was off. It had to be.
Kurt simply shrugged his shoulder and gave him one of those lopsided smiles that Chandler had fallen in love with. "Perhaps," he muttered. "You might want to talk to him about that," Kurt carelessly said, but what Kurt didn't know was that Chandler couldn't. How could he so shamelessly approach Sebastian after a year of pure abandonment? He wondered how that must feel like – to be abandoned for love. He wondered if Sebastian even cared about it at all, if he hadn't noticed it had been far, far too long since they'd seen each other, much less talked or spent time with each other, when it had been an everyday occurrence only months ago.
"I feel really sick," Chandler suddenly announced. "I never, ever thought I'd ever think Bassie was small," his voice was nearly edging off to tears. He just couldn't handle this right now and he'd always been overly emotional. If anything, Chandler Kiehl was very sustainable to crying because of nothing.
"Well, he's still got a good three inches on me," Kurt muttered. "You don't think I'm small, do you?"
"No," Chandler shook his head. "It's just…he's so…his clothes are just so huge on him so he looks tiny. I don't know. It's obvious he's wearing stuff that fits a guy that's like twice his size."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Are you calling me fat, Chandler?"
Chandler snickered. "It's all of those layers with you and him. You also look like you're drowning in layers. I can't see your butt."
Kurt shook his head, and gave him the quickest hug he could, seeing as nobody was passing through the hallways. "Sebastian will be fine," Kurt assessed.
"I don't think so," Chandler chimed, as he watched Kurt leave, and he looked down, picking up his Biology coursework. He had spent the next 10 minutes trying to finish his assignment but he couldn't. It was fine, he told himself. He'll pick up his grades soon. Maybe he can pass by the end of the year. The whole day was spent simply obsessing about that one second that he'd seen Sebastian in. He analysed everything. Sebastian's locker was still in the same place as three years ago. When he'd seen Sebastian for those few moments, he had been wearing quite a bit of grey, but Sebastian hated grey as far as Chandler knew. Chandler shook his head. It was just a colour. Maybe he was just having a bad day. That might explain quite a bit. Even that analogy didn't make Chandler stop panicking throughout the day.
When he came back home, the first thing he had decided to do was check Facebook. It might not be much, but it was better than just sitting there and worrying. What Chandler got was that for one, today wasn't just one single bad day. His Facebook was pretty active for the most bit. He was tagged in quite a large sum of photographs. He looked so aloof in all of them, or barely paying attention to his stimuli. He also looked so…lonely in some way. The other half of photos shocked Chandler completely; they were all party ones. Sebastian seemed happier in those ones – or was he just drunk? Chandler would never know. He seemed to have quite a few 'friends' – which Chandler can all guess were either drinking or partying buddies, because all they kept asking about was that. Sebastian had his share of flirty messages as well. It irritated Chandler to read those messages. Not that he'd ever thought of Sebastian in a sexual way, but he'd never thought of Sebastian as any other way than his absolute best friend. Now, it became clear to Chandler why Kurt was so hesitant. He was sort of angry with Kurt about not telling him but he can see why Sebastian wasn't a topic of discussion between him and Kurt.
The Sebastian he knew didn't quite well throw himself around but that was what it seemed. It got clearer the more and more he read from the messages that were filled with sexual innuendos and over-exaggerated wink-y faces. The Sebastian he knew three hundred and sixty-five days ago was not the same Sebastian now. He'd always been reckless, but never like this, and never with his own body. He can nearly feel the shame Sebastian must feel like when he'd left after having casual sex with a boy, and can taste the name of every STD he knew roll off his tongue. In the passing five minutes, he grew the courage to pick his phone from his pocket and then text Sebastian. Hello, Bassie.
He wondered if he'd be shunned. He wondered if Sebastian wouldn't answer and the reasons why. Sebastian didn't change his phone and he knew this was for certain. He'd paraded around with the same Android for three years now. He loved that piece of junk. At least that was certain. Chandler wondered if Sebastian would be purposely ignoring him or if he was busy. He'd debated this for a whole five minutes before he got a text back. That shocked him even more, because he didn't really expect a text back. Look who it is. Classical greeting, Chan.
Chandler didn't really know what Sebastian meant by that, and he was too pleased at the fact that he'd actually gotten a response from Sebastian to care. He just typed back as quickly as he could. How are you? He twirled his tongue around the base of his lower lip in inquiry.
I'm alright, Blondie. And you? No, scratch that. You feel like shit because you were staring at me like you just saw a ghost. Forgot how sexy I looked? Sebastian was…acting like nothing had ever changed between them, but Chandler can nearly feel the hollowness of his statements, like Sebastian was simply pretending that nothing had changed. Maybe nothing really had. Maybe Sebastian just didn't take relationships on such an intimate level but one thing was certain: Sebastian was not the same boy he'd met five years ago. How can a boy be so consistent in character for five years and change in only one? Chandler knew Sebastian enough to be able to tell that there was something seriously wrong with Sebastian right now.
Yeah, Bassie, Chandler lied and then added on. You look different. A little taller, and your clothes are appalling….then, he asked the question that was irking his mind right at that very moment. Sebastian, are you on drugs?
He waited for a bit, anxiety very high. He didn't want to offend Sebastian and have him leave, but then again, he wondered if Sebastian can be seriously offended like most people. He got an answer in seconds: One of us just went pretty fucking insane. Are you kidding me, Chandler? I'm not on any drugs! Just because I'm not a runaway fashion model in school doesn't mean shit!
Chandler comfortably smiled. At least Sebastian still had his oh so charming personality. I miss you.
As needy as always, Chandler rolled his eyes at Sebastian's response but still found a faint smile crossing his lips. A small giggle even fell from his lips.
As sweet as always, Chandler added on, completely leaving his laptop in presence of Sebastian's fast response on the text messages. That didn't change either. He always responded like he had nothing to do. He knew it by heart that Sebastian was quick enough of a typer and a reader that this only took him seconds to do. He was actually a little slower than usual, but still fast by Chandler's standards.
Would you take me any other way, Chan?
Chandler didn't want to respond to that question, biting down his lower lip. No, he lied. He didn't want the thought of this. Sebastian throwing himself around like he was nothing. It made him nauseous and depressed. Most of all, it seemed so hypocritical of his oh so 'confident' friend to treat himself like trash. It was nearly a cry for help. People are posting really strange stuff on your Facebook. They're flirting a lot thinking they have a chance, at least Chandler hoped he was right.
That's because when you sleep with a bunch of them, they get attached. Stupid fuckers. There was it. The confirmation that Sebastian actually slept with them. Chandler had never felt so sick in his life, feeling bile rise in his throat as he thought of Sebastian throwing himself around like he was nothing. It numbed him, the thought, wondering what was going through Sebastian's mind. How lonely he was, how alone he felt.
Sebastian, I'm sorry. Chandler couldn't handle the guilt right now. He wished he can say more. It was wrecking him to think of what Sebastian was going through without him enough to do that to himself. It made Chandler hurt. Sebastian acted as if nothing had happened, but a lot had to happen for Sebastian to treat himself…like that.
For what? What the hell are you sorry about?
Chandler didn't want to explain, but Sebastian deserved an explanation. Just not today. Chandler bit down his lower lip. He wondered if Sebastian was simply prodding him, wanting Chandler to admit what he'd done or if he really was as clueless as imposed. Nothing. Chandler finally typed back. I want to see you this weekend.
Plans were made. Guilt still remained into Chandler's stomach though, never really disappearing as they made plans to meet up in the week. The rest of the week seemed to zoom by too quickly, with Chandler barely catching Sebastian. He wondered if the brunette existed. Lunch periods were spent looking through the cafeteria for the tall brunette, but finding no trace of him. This suggested that Sebastian didn't eat at school anymore, which worried Chandler. Everything about Sebastian worried Chandler.
At Friday afternoon, Chandler swooped in the Lima Bean where he had decided to meet Sebastian in. He was anxious but also finally relived that he'd see Sebastian.
He saw the brunette slide into the doorway. Chandler's first instinct was to assess what Sebastian was wearing: pants that actually fit him and some weird robot pattern decked shirt. His clothing actually fit him this time. Chandler thought that Sebastian would look better, but he actually looked sicker. Now, he just looked really thin. Chandler knew that Sebastian hadn't lost much weight –but somehow, his new found vulnerability made him look smaller in Chandler's eyes.
"Do you still have the same coffee order?" Chandler chirped, hoping for a yes.
Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, whatever," he muttered, looking completely uninterested in whatever Chandler had to say.
Chandler had moved towards the coffee counter, waiting in line and looking over options. By the time it was his turn, he had a beaming smile on his face as he said. "I want a mocha with caramel and whip. And for my friend, I want a cappuccino with hazelnut flavouring and—"
Sebastian pitched in. "Add in a shot of Courvoisier too, buddy."
The boy behind the cashier nodded, and Sebastian paid. Mostly because Chandler was still trying to process the fact that Sebastian just ordered alcohol with his coffee. When it came to picking up orders, Sebastian still had to do it, as Chandler tried not to hyperventilate at the supposedly 'normal' occurrence. "Bassie, there's alcohol in your coffee," Chandler called out, taking another deep breath.
"Yeah, I know," Sebastian muttered.
Chandler shook his head. "Bassie, there is alcohol in your coffee."
"Heard you the first time, Blondie," Sebastian rolled his eyes. He sighed, sipping from his coffee. He looked in complete and utter bliss and that made Chandler shudder. Sebastian sat by a table that wasn't their usual and Chandler sat beside him. Maybe this can become their new usual really. It wouldn't matter. It was just a table. "So, how've you been now that you're down your oxytocin high?"
Chandler blushed. "I don't know what that means. I'm failing Biology."
"Firstly, oxytocin is a compound and it's either Chemistry or psychology. Secondly, what the fuck, Chan? Bio? Are you shitting me? I can get good Bio grades in my sleep and I probably do since I'm half-asleep in like 90% of my assessments anyway," the statement caused Chandler's cheek to colour significantly as he looked away. "So, what's been up with you?"
Chandler wanted to laugh, because there was nothing up with him. He was still the same. 'Classic Chandler', as Sebastian would say it, but Sebastian was too different for Chandler's coping abilities. "Uh, I'm been really sad that Kurt and I broke up. We kinda just fell out of love and it made me sad. It made both of us really sad," he added on, shaking his head, 'but oh well. I'm alive and breathing. Pumping oxygen into my blood cells."
"Your blood cells carry oxygen. They transfer oxygen to your body cells for one, and secondly, jeez. Good riddance. I hate that little brown-haired bitch. I swear to God I was going to tear off my arm next time I see him," Sebastian muttered darkly, causing Chandler to look away from his former friend's – friend's? – face. "Now, you can have sexy me instead of boring fashion-whatever bitchy irritable nuisance—"
"Okaaay! We get it. You do not like Kurt," Chandler quickly pitched in to Sebastian's sudden surge of insults towards the brunette. "Do you remember when you and I used to sit by the porch and watch the moon?"
"I did not used to watch the freaking moon. I was catching up on Dexter," Sebastian huffed erratically, rolling his eyes at Chandler's response.
"Hey!" Chandler pouted, displeased by this knowledge. "You said that you were watching too with me. It was so lovely and big and it changes so much and I just liked to stare at it for like an hour with you. I thought we were one with nature, when you were one with your psychopath!"
Sebastian smirked. Chandler somehow realised how comfortable he'd felt after some time, smiling and beaming again. Also, the frustration that came with being Sebastian's friend. He thought he'd forgotten about all of this. "The only reason I ever suggested we go to the porch to 'watch the movie' is because you actually do end up staring at it for like an hour and I'd have an hour of silence to watch my Dexter in. Fucking Hell. It's as intense as fuck – the new season."
Chandler rolled his eyes but smiled. "I sometimes think that the moon used to be really close to us, then you'd push me by my shoulder, break my concentration and because my balance is off, nearly murder me if I fall off the balcony of your like three-story house."
Sebastian snorted and sipped his coffee again. He took sips, paused, and then sipped again. Chandler noticed that didn't change either. "I really liked us when we were younger though. Like we used to walk around and not know what anything means and just make everything on our own…you always said you wanted to be like a marine biologist and it really hurts me that you're not going to do that anymore. I said I wanted to be a model but I'm not tall enough or pretty enough…"
"Fuck you, Chan. You're a model to me," Sebastian muttered, and that was what made Chandler have a small smile on his lips. Maybe things did change but maybe that was okay, because everything else still felts o right. Maybe it wouldn't matter if Sebastian threw himself around or if he drank alcohol from his coffee – he might look sick, but he didn't act sick. He was fine. Everything was fine and pretty and dandy and it'll stay that way. It had to. It had to, or else Chandler would break and cry because he can't handle being fake anymore. This had to be real, because that look that Sebastian was giving him was real. The smile that formed on Chandler's lips was real. They were real, and here, and the moon would finally shine back tonight.
It was then when Chandler saw him. He didn't really know his name but he was blonde and he made Sebastian laugh more in five seconds than Chandler had managed to in the span of all of the five years Chandler knew Sebastian for. Sebastian was all glittery-eyed and happy. It was the most beautiful thing Chandler Kiehl ever had to witness, and one of the things that made his heart crush as hard as possible. He bit down his lower lip to restrain himself from crying as his eyes were filling. He just can't handle the sound of laughter, laughter from love, laughter from lust. Laughter like that. Sebastian never laughed like that. They were the laughs a person gave when nothing was funny, but they were so emotionally struck that all they can do was laugh.
"Fuck off, Thomas," even when he'd insulted the boy, Sebastian was grinning. He didn't look the least bit annoyed. Chandler's mouth dropped open, as he stared at it. A part of him wondered why he can never make anyone that happy in his life and another part of him wished that he can feel that happy again. The nostalgia walked with him like a cloud.
"Oh, yeah?" Thomas muttered. "Yeah, I will go fuck off. In the direction of my ex-boyfriend."
Sebastian shook his head, still taking everything the blonde boy that had the same height as him completely lightly. "Like you'd do that," he snorted. "You'd rather donate a kidney."
"That's not fair, Bas. I like my kidneys."
Bas. That was Chandler's nickname for him. He felt another stab at his heart. Was this how Sebastian used to feel like when Kurt and Chandler were together? Desperate? Willing to take Sebastian in any way as long as he took the boy's attention from his crush's eyes? Sebastian seemed so besotted, so smitten and that Thomas boy was being far too touchy and happy with him too. Chandler sat down near the park bench, blue eyes soulfully gracing over Sebastian's clothing. He seemed to put in more effort today – red and yellow checkered shirt over pants that actually fit him. His hair was done, stuck upwards, and he even wore a silvery watch around his wrist. He didn't look small anymore. He just looked happy, happy enough to make Chandler sick.
"You don't need both of them. Greedy fucker," Sebastian mumbled, taking Thomas' ice-cream cone from his hand and then taking the largest lick from it. Chandler noticed Sebastian didn't even suck on it to appear seductive. Sex appeared to be the last thing on Sebastian's mind for now. "I hate chocolate. Stop buying chocolate. Get strawberry next time."
"Never thought I'd have to share," Thomas rubbed his slight tummy and then leaned forward to give Sebastian a kiss on his cheek. "Oops! Might've gotten a little chocolate on that. You're gonna probably die right now."
Sebastian smirked and shook his head, practically threatening to drop the cone down. Thomas quickly fast-acted to save his dessert but still wound up with a whole scoop out of the two he had falling from his cone. Thomas seemed in disbelief, when Sebastian had finally stated. "You're welcome. Less calories as Hummel Twinkle toes Sparkle pants would say."
"That was perfect good ice-cream," Thomas commented. Chandler stared, cocking his head and trying not to say anything. He couldn't even if he tried. His throat was on fire and he was so very alone. He was supposed to meet up with Sebastian in like twenty minutes in the coffee shop that was a two minute walk from here, and in coincidence, Chandler and Sebastian both seemed to think that a little walk in the park might be good before their little coffee date, but now, as Chandler stared at Thomas, he realised that he might not have much of a significance in Sebastian's life anymore. It pricked his heart, but he deserved every bit of the pain as far as he was concerned. "You know I don't give a shit about calories."
Chandler watched with heavy eyes, as Sebastian had finally caught sight of him. His smile dropped. He suddenly looked dead again in seconds when three seconds ago, he couldn't be more beautiful and alive. He muttered something to Thomas and Thomas nodded, leaving. Sebastian moved towards Chandler, looking more like a scared child caught in an act that he didn't want to be caught in. His cheeks coloured. "What's wrong?" Chandler muttered softly.
"I act like a fucking idiot around him is what's wrong," Sebastian mumbled darkly.
"Why did you tell him to go away?" Chandler asked, surprised. Chandler wouldn't have noticed Sebastian even existed there if it was just him and Kurt laughing, which made him uneasy and disgusted at himself. He felt so revolting for having one simple weakness: falling in love too fast, and too hard. Forgetting the world. It was all Chandler thought he wanted but it was biting him in the ass right about now. "He was making you happy."
"Happiness is subjective," Sebastian muttered. "I'm so fake when I'm around him it's hilarious. I'm not happy when I'm around him. I'm an idiot with a crush that's trying to look cute. Not like Thomas would date me anyway unless I gain fifty pounds and decide to go to Australia with that fucker, and I'm not changing for anyone. Stupid shit."
"But you did," Chandler's voice was a lot lower now. Sebastian stared at him with an arched eyebrow. "You did change I mean," Chandler's voice was a little louder.
Sebastian snorted and shook his head. "I didn't change."
"Yes, you did," Chandler didn't want to deny it any longer. A fire in him exploded, seeing all of that. He didn't deserve Sebastian keeping all of what he'd done in secrecy any longer. He needed the words to be out. "I left you for a year, Bassie. A year of you being alone and you're drinking alcohol and sleeping with boys and not caring and you look really pale and sick and I don't know what's going on with you and…"
"Shut up, Chandler."
Chandler didn't expect that response. A sudden hardness filled Sebastian's eyes that Chandler had never known before. It shocked Chandler to the bone, leaving him completely and utterly speechless. He'd never seen so much hatred in Sebastian's eyes but he didn't look angry at Chandler. He looked like he was angry at himself more so. "But Bassie, I—"Chandler's innocent voice was cut off with Sebastian's furious one.
"Fucking shut up, Chandler!"
Chandler felt his skin go white and his heart beat faster. Sebastian looked away and muttered, "Shit" under his breath, causing Chandler to stand up. He couldn't ruin his friendship with Sebastian again, so he walked towards him, standing on his tiptoes to place a hand on Sebastian's shoulder. Sebastian looked down and shook his head, smiling. "You're as short as fuck," Sebastian muttered.
"Not really," Chandler muttered. "Just to you."
Sebastian slowly nodded his head. He looked sick again, the kind of sick he was the first time he saw him a few days ago. "Sebastian?" Chandler placed a tentative hand on his arm, practically burying his head in his arm. The closer he physically was, the safer he was.
"Yeah, coffee date. We have one. Let's go." He sounded so mechanical and stoic, like snapping at Chandler simply reminded him of something that he didn't want to talk about. It wasn't a good coffee date like last week, Chandler can tell.
"Are you okay?" Chandler asked, though it was really the stupidest question he can ask. He seemed afraid, as if the first word he'd say, Sebastian would just break down and throw himself off a cliff. "You look really pale again and kinda sick and…"
"Mocha?" Sebastian asked, looking even more exhausted when Chandler asked him about his state. Chandler knew he didn't have as much right to be in Sebastian's life anymore, but he just wished that Sebastian would tell him something. Chandler nodded his head. He waited, watching, wandering with his eyes. In what seemed like moments, Sebastian came back with a mocha for Chandler and a muffin with a bottle of water for himself. Chandler's eyes was on the muffin soon, staring at his wrist.
"Did you lose weight at all when I was…?"
Sebastian broke off a bit of the chocolate-chip flour-enriched concoction and took a bite out of it, before slowly nodding his head.
"And you gained a lot of it recently then?" Chandler saw Sebastian nod his head again. So, they were playing guessing games. "How much of it?"
Sebastian put up all ten fingers and then followed them by three fingers.
"Thirty pounds?" Chandler incredulously read and Sebastian nodded his head slowly. "What on Earth made you lose thirty pounds?" Chandler wondered how Sebastian would look like thirty pounds less.
Sebastian placed a finger, shaking it and then put all of his ten fingers up, following four and then five. It took Chandler a few moments to decipher the odd, but familiar charades game. "Forty-five? So, you gained like thirty of those?"
Sebastian nodded his head, pausing only to take a sip of his water. Chandler knew that two things: Sebastian didn't want to tell him what was wrong because he'd think it would sound stupid coming from his mouth and secondly, Sebastian was not only a slow eater but he also despised talking when he was eating. He said something about it making him look like a stupid dopey ineloquent fucker. He finished what he was eating and then complained. "Stupid fucking Doctors."
"Your Doctor told you to lose like forty-five pounds?" Chandler raised an eyebrow, full of incredulity, confusion and slight disgust. "I think he needs better glasses and that's coming from me. I have like a -4.5 vision."
Sebastian looked down at his muffin, looking like he was trying to think. "I had spinal stenosis." He muttered in a near-ashamed manner. Chandler's heart swelled. He remembered this stupid habit Sebastian had – that if he was sick, no matter how bad it was, he'd be ashamed to say that he was sick. Sebastian can be dying of cancer for all Chandler knew – or really didn't know – and he'd still be completely humiliated when he'd mention that he'd been sick.
"What's that?" Chandler murmured. "Remember – failing Biology?" because Charlotte Kiehl sure did remember that one lovely trait about her son.
"It's when a part of your spine abnormally narrows," Chandler completely paled when he heard this. Sebastian placed a hand over his neck, as if he was confessing his worst secrets to Chandler. There was definitely a lack of swears and sardonic remarks in his speech – mostly because he just wanted to get it over and done with. Chandler knew that much. He wished that this would be one of the things that did change with Sebastian. "Had to go to Germany, 'cause that's where back surgery is the best. Before I left to Cleveland to see my Doc, and he told me that losing weight helps because you aren't putting a shit load of pressure on your spine so he put me on a diet. By the time I was in Germany, I was pretty fucking malnourished that it was actually a risk to operate on me. My Doc totally got fired for it and my Dad's putting a court order and shit against him. I operated. Now, apparently, I have this thing called failed back surgery syndrome or whatever and that's why I look like shit."
Sebastian then took a quick swig of his water, swallowing and then stating one line that propelled Chandler into surprise yet again. "Don't mention this again."
"Don't mention this again?" Chandler echoed. "That's not okay, Sebastian! You were really sick and you had to do surgery and you don't ever want me to mention this again? Why didn't you tell me or anyone? I would've really gone to Germany with you if you've had asked. I know that your Dad would've paid for me and my Mom doesn't mind me leaving the country and—"
"So what? So you can see me in pain? Yeah, that's going to make me worry a lot less and going to make you feel a shit tonne better, huh? What do you want to see so badly? That I can't sit down for long without feeling an immense amount of pain or stand up or you know, exist? Plus, I had a history of spinal shit before. Scoliosis, and a spinal compression before so yes, it's going to hurt even more than the average fucker. I'm sorry for not being completely selfish, Chan but you were in your own stupid little world with your boyfriend." Sebastian snapped back, shaking his head and then calmly corrected. "Ex-boyfriend."
The good in Sebastian always seemed to completely stun Chandler speechless. Chandler didn't even know Sebastian had a history of anything. He knew that Sebastian skipped school quite a bit, and at some point, he'd forgotten to ask. There were so many times where Sebastian would disappear off for months, but Chandler thought that was a normal. He felt his stomach drop, remembering all the times he'd called Sebastian just to tell him that he needed to come to school or else he'd flunk out. Sebastian never flunked out. Jean made sure of it too. Plus, Sebastian still attended all of his exams and he passed with flying colours.
Chandler looked down at his lap and simply stated one thing. "You're so good to me," he whispered. "I really don't deserve it. I set you aside and then picked you up like a doll when I was bored and needed someone but you're really not a doll and that makes me feel like a bad person."
Sebastian snorted. "Fuck it if I can see any bad in you," Chandler was confused. Chandler could see all of the bad parts of him all the time and all of the good in Sebastian, but apparently, all Sebastian seemed to see was the opposite. "You're not pissed t me for treating you like shit all these years. I don't expect you to come back."
Chandler's mouth was agape. He couldn't even process what Sebastian was saying. "But Bassie, that's not true."
"Are you kidding? I treat you like a lackey. For the first two years I've met you in, I've been making you get my coats and coffee when I'm feeling cold and that's just about it. You seemed so fucking happy to do it and I'm just like 'stupid freak' in my head." Chandler giggled, because he definitely remembered that. He was so desperate for a friend that he'd pick off Sebastian's coats, carry them around, get him coffee, walk around with an umbrella when it rained and hung it over Sebastian's head – even though this was a tough feet as Sebastian was always taller but those days, he wasn't so tall that Chandler needed to stand on a stool to put an umbrella over Sebastian's head.
"I really want to start over again," Chandler whispered. "I just feel like there's this huge break and we're not really friends anymore."
Sebastian shrugged. "Whatever," he muttered. "Get me coffee."
Chandler found a soft smile on his lips. "Whatever you say, Bassie."
It was a cloudy day spent with Chandler waiting for the bus stop when he found Sebastian Smythe sitting on a bench. He noticed how straight his back was in a way he never did before. He supposed curving it would hurt like hell, or maybe he was wearing a brace. He can't really ask Sebastian without a lot of yelling involved and it was too cloudy, turbulent and cold for all of that. He just smiled as he stared at Sebastian but Sebastian didn't notice for a while. He looked tired, withdrawn and a little depressed. Chandler's smile quickly dropped as he moved towards Sebastian, tightening the scarf around his neck. It was too cold today. He'd lived in Montreal for most of his life, but living in Ohio for a few years destroyed his cold tolerance.
"Sebastian?" Chandler called out.
Sebastian broke out of concentration and looked up at Chandler with a raised eyebrow. "Fucking Hell, Chan." He muttered. "Sneak up on me much? Could've given me a heart attack and sent me to the hospital or some shit. Fuck."
Chandler smiled weakly, and then sat down beside him. If he thought it was cold, then he didn't know how Sebastian felt like since it never dropped into minus temperatures in Paris. The thought of living in -35 degree weather again made Chandler want to die. Five years ago, he'd be wearing shorts in this weather. Oh, Ohio, what did you do? Chandler would never really know.
"You're always sad these days," Chandler noted, looking at Sebastian's face.
"You'd be sad too if you can't sleep at night," Sebastian muttered darkly, shutting his eyes. "Apparently, my new Doc says that I can feel like shit for up to 10 years after this kind of surgery since I've done open surgery and my history and…" Sebastian shook his head.
"Don't stop right there," Chandler urged, fixing his mittens on and giving a very weak but encouraging smile. "You always stop or are really ashamed when you're talking about stuff that's wrong with you, so don't. It's alright. Tell me. I want to know. What's open surgery anyway? Is it really that bad?"
Sebastian snorted. "Yeah, Chan," he muttered. "Still failing Biology?"
Chandler took a deep breath, and swore his breath turned to ice. He didn't know what to say. Yes, he was, but the minute he'd say that, Sebastian would offer help and at Sebastian's state right now, Chandler would rather fail and repeat the year than put Sebastian through any more physical pain.
"I'm not," Chandler so proudly suggested. "I'm okay with Biology right now. Apparently, miracles do happen."
"So, how's you and the brunette? Getting back together any time soon?" Sebastian snorted. He looked like he was just waiting to be abandoned again, green eyes filled with hidden pain and self-pity.
Chandler's lips curled into a weak smile and then he shook his head. "Love doesn't mean anything to me anymore," he whispered.
Sebastian looked sadder when he heard that for some reason that Chandler can't tell. "Whatever you say, Blondie," he muttered. He fixed his jacket, buttoning a lone button that had somehow managed to open itself to reveal another thick, dark layer of clothing underneath. "So, that's it? No more Chandler running around for love? No more stupid ideals of romance or hoping you're saved by a midnight prince or some shit like that?"
"Nope," Chandler quickly answered, voice a little higher than normal.
Sebastian's face completely crumpled. Chandler's eyes suddenly widened as he realised how Sebastian's eyes were dangerously on the verge of tears.
"Bassie?" Chandler called out, voice softer than usual.
"Sebastian?" he repeated, voice even lower. He honestly was afraid that if he spoke too loud then he'd break Sebastian , or whatever was left of the distressed boy's heart.
Sebastian looked back towards Chandler, with his lips now trembling. "Fucking Hell, Chan. If you don't have love to live for, then what the fuck is there? Don't change, Chandler. Don't fucking turn into me. You're better than that. I'd rather you fucking talk to me about how you want to make out with Hummel again than say that, you know? Hell, I'd rather make out with Hummel, have sex with him than... just don't fucking say that again, ever again in my life, alright?"
Chandler slowly nodded his head, a little frightful.
"Chandler," Sebastian adamantly called out. "Fucking promise me. Right now."
"Okay," Chandler whispered. Even though Sebastian's voice was high. Chandler honestly thought that Sebastian won't be able to handle it if Chandler's voice was louder, especially with how his shoulders were slightly shaking. "I promise," he added on, voice slightly higher enough to be a whisper but still too low for most ears.
"Good," Sebastian said. "Great." He added on, voice still filled with certainty and authority, yet his eyes still rimmed red. He looked like he was trying so hard not to burst into tears. It scared Chandler how dangerously close Sebastian was to crying.
Chandler pressed his head against Sebastian's shoulder, with his hand across Sebastian's elbow, tightening his grip almost as a source of comfort. "What are we waiting for?"
Sebastian shrugged. "Bus," he muttered. That was definitely not the question Chandler was looking for.
Chandler's school rejected him because he failed Biology. He looked down at the letter, which he'd read thousand times. Oddly, he felt no sadness anymore, just numbness. Pure indifference. He put his letter in the bin and turned around to make himself an omelet for breakfast. For the next thirteen minutes, the sizzling from the lasts of the salmon he'd scraped from the fridge completely covered the sounds of Chandler's reckless sobbing.
He decided that he can't really do this anymore.
He shut off the stove, not even bearing to clean up his mess, put a note up for his Mother scribbled in markers on their whiteboard on the fridge and then just ran. His mind was trying to remember where Sebastian's house was. In a daze of fury and pain, he also remembered that Sebastian's house was an hour's drive away. He hoped it was the same house and he couldn't be bothered to call Sebastian through his cell. He rode in a bus. He walked through the streets and he didn't stop to think one bit. Everything seemed to move fast even though more than two hours had passed of Chandler wandering around because he'd forgotten directions and addresses before he'd so clearly remembered Sebastian's address.
By the time it struck two pm, Chandler had practically thrown himself on the front door of Sebastian's house. He rang the bell about 8 times and when Sebastian answered, Chandler quickly wrapped his arms around him as tightly as possible, not bearing to let go. Sebastian didn't hug back. He never did, but he looked down at the blonde, whom was practically clinging to Sebastian for life. "What the hell, Chandler?"
"I lied. I failed Biology." Chandler muttered. "I didn't get into anything." Every word spilled out of his tongue with a wave of misery.
"And you didn't think you'd come to me?" Sebastian asked, raising an eyebrow.
Chandler looked down, burying his head into Sebastian's ribcage. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "You're just so sick and tired and I didn't want to be a burden. Actually, I should go now. What the hell am I thinking? I should just—"
Chandler knew that smell, hitting his nose. "Sebastian, why does your house smell like pot?"
"Because my Mother does drugs?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow as if it was the stupidest question Chandler had ever asked. Chandler blinked repeatedly, as Sebastian pulled Chandler inside, shutting the door. Chandler had walked through the used-to-be completely eloquent forte and was just met with masses of laundry and broken priceless things that weren't even swept yet. "I'll fix that. Just give me a—"
"Sebastian, why is your house such a mess?" Chandler asked again, not wanting the answer s.
"Because when your Mother does drugs, she leaves a mess. This can be a huge problem when you've just done stupid back surgery and have to bend down. Happy? Stop asking me questions," Sebastian snorted, as Chandler placed a hand on Sebastian's arm, pulling himself closer. He was now doing it to calm himself down. It smelled so horrible in this house that Chandler felt near nauseated.
"Sebastian, you can't live here."
Sebastian raised an eyebrow. "Yes, I can. Now, shut up. If you don't like it, I have a back garden but she might have puked there too for all I know," he muttered.
"No, Sebastian, you really can't," Chandler refused to allow this to go on. It mentally disturbed him how much everything changed in a year. "Is that why you sleep with men? She doesn't care, does she? Your family is really fallen apart, Bassie and I wasn't here and…"
"What are you accomplishing by saying any of this?" Sebastian asked, raising an eyebrow. "Are you just going to make me depressed? Besides, I thought today we were focusing on how horrible your life is."
Chandler nodded his head, sitting down on a chair in the kitchen and taking a deep breath, shaking his head. "What happened?" he murmured. "It isn't supposed to be like this, Bassie."
Sebastian shrugged. "No clue," he muttered. "Fucking genius whose done all of this. Probably laughing their ass off."
"Is your Mother really sad?"
Sebastian slowly nodded his head. He knew Chandler can use more advanced words than 'sad' and 'happy', but he liked those the most. Chandler wasn't stupid, Sebastian would give him that – no matter what his Biology grade was, he excelled in everything else. Besides, Chandler hated how other synonyms for 'sad' and 'happy' felt like they had different meanings. Chandler was strange, but a good kind of strange in his own little way. "Yeah, Chan. She's torn apart." He muttered.
Chandler looked up at Sebastian's face. "If I'm becoming you, then you're becoming her."
"No, Chandler, you're not becoming me and I'm not becoming her, alright?" Sebastian was quick to snap as Chandler's eyes filled as quick as they could. "Nobody's becoming anyone. We're fine. We're okay. We're going to be fucking alright. I'm not doing drugs. You believe in love and all that crap. Twenty years from now, you're gonna be living with some bastard that's going to say that he falls in love with you every time he sees you or some stupid crap like that. Got it, Chan?"
Chandler felt his throat constrict. "Okay," he whispered.
"Alright?" Sebastian repeated again, and Chandler nodded his head.
"Okay," Chandler muttered.
It was cold again today.
This was inspired by the song "Shamandalie" by Sonata Arctica, thereby the title of this is "Basandalie", which literally is "Bas and a lie" if you write it out. Oh, how perfect are you, Sonata.
You see a lot of distortion here. Possibly not understanding how things connect. Probably best that way. If I play connect the dots with you, you'll be forced to see it in a certain way, so here. Look at it the way you would. This was also supposed to end with Sebastian killing himself, but then I realised that this cannot be a recurring theme in my work. No matter how much I want it to be. :'P
I don't know why but this whole fanfic makes me think of rain. That's nice. I like the thought of that.
Xo Peanut Butter/Sam