Hello everyone... Ok i have to tell you all how much your resonse to this chapter has meant to me... The reviews and the PM's have just been outstanding and humbling. There is been a huge response to Olivia and her story, some of you have shared your stories with me and I have had a very emotional day. Thank you... Thank you... Thank you... I am working on responding to your reviews and Pm's but I really wanted to get this chapter out to all of you tonight... I hope you all enjoy it...
I won't be posting a Darkness and White Chapter tonight... sorry... but I just havent gotten the next chapter right yet... If you are not reading that one and you like my writing style please give it a try... It's not a FSOG FF, its more like how Twilight inspired FSOG, FSOG inspired Darkness and White...
Some of you had trouble finding me on facebook here is my username: .3
Also there is a facebook group... Fifty Shades of Grey FanFiction... you can find me on there as well and on my Twitter PerhapsPerhaps1...
There is something about Olivia, I can't quite understand what it is or even how it is. But in the same way I felt myself attaching to Chris (back when I thought that was his name) the first time I met him, I feel myself attaching to her. Like the fibers of our souls are weaving together, a warp and a weft, binding us for life. There was something drawing me to her and her to me. I felt it the moment we locked eyes. She had just come in and Christian was crouched down in front of her, just that small act made my heart ache for him. Her eyes were darting around the room, much like mine did just the night before. There was so much to see. Then our eyes met, she saw me and I saw her and this strange feeling took root in my chest.
It was strange, how things happen. How one day you are going along, in the doldrums of your life. A life that is all well and safe, a life that makes sense but leaves you wanting. Wanting for what could be if only... I am living my if only life now, and it is anything but well and safe, but one thing is for sure I am not wanting. I am full of happiness and sadness, love and pain and my arms right now are full with this child. This completely unexpected thing.
I can trace the path to my what if life all the way back to the exact moment my life changed. That day in the hotel with Jack. In those few short moments, I grew up. My wide eyes were forced to half mast and the rose colored glasses I wore were shattered. I have replayed that day and the days and months that lead up to it over and over in my head. Trying to make sense of it all. Trying to see what I should have done different. What I could have done to prevent it. Maybe I should have accepted a position at another house. Maybe I should have never gone to New York in the first place. Maybe I should have not ignored that voice in the back of my head, telling me that Jack was crossing lines on a daily basis. The voice telling me I was uncomfortable, the voice telling me not to trust him.
I was always looking to place the blame in my lap, never placing it in his. Jack was the common denominator of all these tapes, all these women's lives. He was the person in the wrong. It was his shame to feel not mine, not theirs and realizing that I was set free. But there was a price for that freedom and the price was Christian seeing the tape. Watching me, watching Jack and that is what is shaking me to my core. That he will some how see me as a victim or worse...
But there is no room for those thoughts right now. All I have room for is this child, asleep in my arms, her fingers curled up in my hair. Maybe the first real sleep she has gotten in weeks, maybe even ever. I am choosing to focus my energy on that.
Christian eased his way on to the sofa next to me. He looks tired, his tie is off and his collar is opened. He put his arm around me, and I leaned into him careful not to wake Olivia.
"Are you ok?" I could feel the breath of his words, on my forehead and then the gentle touch of his lips.
"Yeah, I think so...She stopped crying a little while ago and now she is sleeping. I think I should say here tonight."
"I agree...Do you want to get up?" My back was tight and my right leg numb, but I would have moved for a million dollars.
"No... not yet... she is so relaxed right now... lets leave her be for a little bit more..." Grace caught my eye and smiled, and I realized that everyone was watching us like we were in a fish bowl. Flynn and Grace made their quiet approach, a small smile of his face, a huge smile on hers. I could feel the gratitude as it emanated from her body, it enveloped me and I felt like I was exactly were I was supposed to be.
"She seems to be quite taken with you Ana…"
"The feeling is mutual…" I let out a small yawn. It had been the longest day of my life. I felt like I aged ten years. The fight with Christian, then the confrontation with Jack, the video and now Olivia.
"Ana and I are going to stay here tonight, is that ok?"
"Of course dear, you can stay in your old room, we are putting Olivia in Mia's old room for now, so you guys will be close by."
I rubbed Olivia back, and she stirred nuzzling closer to me.
"Come on little monkey, it's time for bed." Her eyes opened slowly, an she looked at me. I could see her fear.
"I don't want you to go." Her voice was barely a whisper, as she clung to me tighter.
"Olivia, we're staying here tonight, just next door to the room Mom showed you earlier. Come on, I will carry you up." Christian seemed like a different man when talking to her, the tenor of his voice shifted, the tension in his body gone. Olivia peeled her body away from mine and wrapped herself around Christian. Her head pressed against his chest, her arms around his neck. I could see him, he looked like he was in immense pain and I realized she was touching him, his chest, her knee pressing against his belly. All the forbidden zones.
"Chris… I will take her…" I reached my hands out, but he just shook his head no and smiled. Grace and I walked behind him, hand in hand. And Carrick behind us. It was this very contained moment, as if Christian and his parents had never been closer, more united. The power of a child, I guess. I waved goodnight to Kate, as she sat snuggled against Elliott on the sofa.
Mia's room was larger then most of the apartments I lived in growing up. It was painted a pale lavender with a huge white bed, crisp white linens, it was big and fluffy and a perfect place for a little girl to sleep. Christian placed her down on the bed and she shimmied under the cover, after kicking off her sneakers.
"Shouldn't she brush her teeth of something?"
"I think she will be fine for one night Ana." Grace softy laughed, running her hand over my hair and kissing my cheek. I could feel that burning in the back of my throat as I struggled to swallow.
"Ok, Olivia. You have sweet dreams. If you need anything Ana and I will be next door and Mom and Dad are down the hall…" She nodded, but there was still fear in her eyes as the roamed around the room and then from Grace to Christian to me. I sat next to her on the bed, and she quickly took my hand.
"Olivia, here…" I took off my watch and wrapped it around her wrist. "My mother gave this to me, a very long time ago… she told me it was magic… that when the one hand was on the five and the other hand was on the nine that it made the sun come up…" She giggled, tracing her fingers over the face of the watch. "And if you press this button, the watch glows… see… magic… If you need us for anything. You press that button, and the light will help you find our room ok." She smiled and pressed the button a few times just to make sure it worked. She nodded and snuggled down deeper into the sea of white linen quilts. I leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Good night little monkey…"
"Good night Ana…"
Christian and I left the room, leaving Olivia and Grace a few moments alone together. He walked behind me, his hands on my neck and shoulder rubbing out the tension of the day; leading me down the hall to his room.
It was another huge space, sparse except for a few posters on the wall, a cork board with some photos. I sat on the foot of his bed and zipped off Kate's boots, my feet tired and achy.
"You were amazing today Ana… I am in awe of you." I gave him a crooked smile, that is all I had the energy for. "Tired?"
"You have no idea." I flopped back on the bed, my feet still touching the floor. "I am going to sleep just like this… see you in the morning."
I could feel his presence standing over me and then the soft fabric of his pants brushing against my legs.
"Ana, lets get you changed." He kneeled down in front of me, reaching over to my hip and pulled on the side zipper of my skirt. He tugged gently, pulling it down as I lifted my butt just slightly off the bed. "Why you insist of wearing these tights Ana…" He pulled at the elastic waist and peeled them away from my body, it was a relief once they were off.
"It's cold out there…" I felt his lips brush against my knees, as his hands trailed over my thighs.
"Can you sit up?" He took my hands in his and pulled me up. He unbuttoned my blouse very slowly, stopping to tuck a stray hair behind me ear. Next he removed my bra, yet another relief.
"Arms up baby." I did as I was told as he put a tee-shirt over my head, the soft worn fabric pooling around my bare thighs. I used the last ounce of energy I possessed and got on all fours, my ass in the air and climbed into the bed. Knowing full well I was giving Christian quite the view, when I heard him exhale loudly. My eyes were closed and I was drifting off to sleep when I felt him slide into bed behind me. I must have been dreaming because I could have sworn I heard him say… I love you too Ana…