Christian was lying next to me, staring up and the ceiling; his hand in mine, breathless. My heart was racing and my core still pulsing, missing him inside of me already. My body tingled from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. Now I understood what all the fuss was about. Why people wrote sonnets, fought wars… all for this very feeling.
I wondered if all sex was like this, if everyone got to feel what I just felt or was this just the kind of sex one has with Christian Grey? I felt alive, free and happy, really really happy. I felt like waiting as long as I did, mattered. That I was rewarded with my patience. Like everything happens for a reason and this is where I am suppose to be for once in my life I was in right place at the right time. And then he spoke, shattering all my foolish dreams and misguided illusions.
"Jesus Ana, that can't happen again." His voice was ragged and tinged with regret and angst. I whipped my head around. Not sure I heard him correctly.
"Exc…excuse me." I could barely get the words out, every fear I had about the moment I lost my virginity was coming to fruition. He looked at me and must have seen the pain and disappointment because he quickly tried to recover but it was too late
"No, I didn't mean it like that Ana… I mean we can not have unprotected sex again. I don't know what I was thinking just now. I have a drawer full of condoms."
"Way to ruin a moment. A drawer FULL of condoms for all the sex you have with other women…How lucky I am for you to interpose your precious, highly sought after sperm on me." I covered my face with my hands to hide my growing anger.
"Ana… please understand. There is no scenario where you getting pregnant is acceptable. I am not interested in becoming a father now or any time in the near or distant future."
"Wow… Ok… well don't worry Mr. Grey. I am on birth control so my baby maker is not interested either." I sat up, agitated, feeling foolish. Why is it that this man had the power to so effect my feelings, my emotions. How was I naked in his bed? He exhaled loudly, I could see the relief wash over him, the news of my birth control calming him but fueling my growing anger.
"Good, that is very good news, albeit surprising." He turned his head to look at me, and then turned his eyes beck to the ceiling.
"Well I am happy to hear that you are relieved Mr. Grey. I am so glad the menstrual cramps I had when I was fifteen came in handy for something. God you really are an asshole." I turned over on my side, my back to him bringing my knees to my chest.
"Ana, I didn't mean it like that. This is all new to me. I don't do this… This dating, making love thing."
"Yes I know… you fuck hard… I remember. You don't do girlfriends…Then why am I here? For the first time in my life I was feeling… Never mind, it really does not matter. I am going to go…I mean I am sure Kate is worried about me. Hell I am worried about me." I pulled on the sheet, wrapping it around my body. My nakedness suddenly felt like a disadvantage, a weakness. And I could not be weak around this man. Not even for a second. All that got me was pressed up against a glass window and fucked my a man who does not do girlfriends and does not want babies.
"Stop it Ana." I could feel my bottom lip start to quiver and I bit down on it trying to stop myself from crying. He turned on his side and wrapped his hand around my wrist. His fingertips gently making small circles on my sensitive flesh, his lips grazing my ear.
"You are here because I have not been able to think about anything else since I met you. You are here because I have never in my life wanted anything so much. You are here simply because I couldn't resist you. I am a man that lives by limits and rules, and with you I have broken them all. Every single one and we barely know one another. And everything you feel, everything about you matters to me…I have never woken up with a women in this bed before, I have never had another women in this space… All my rules broken, all my control dwindling…" I pulled my hand away from him and quickly scrambled off the bed. Pulling the sheet around me tightly and crossing my arms against my chest.
"You keep talking about rules and limits and contracts and then you are talking about feelings and making love to me. It's so confusing and the worst part is, I have already fallen for you. Like totally fallen. I am naked in your bed, I gave you something that many have tried to get and I gave it to you willingly only for you to tell me that this could never happen again and then toss all your daddy issues on me… Like seriously… I need to go… like now before its too late…" He stood, and pulled on his sweat pants, so that they hung low of his hips. He took a few steps towards me, resting his hands on my shoulders and his forehead against mine.
"It already is to late Ana and we both know it. Look, I am sorry. Not for what I said but the way I said it. I wasn't thinking about your feelings. I just panicked and I don't panic Ana" He stopped for a moment, and pressed his lips to my forehead. "Come with me I need to show you something. This will answer some of your questions but I am afraid it will also give you new ones. Harder ones." He pulled a key out of the drawer of his nightstand and lead me down the long hallway to a door. We both stood in front of it for a moment, before he put the key in the lock and turned the knob. He braced himself for a moment and pushed the door open. The first thing that hit me was the scent of leather and orange furniture polish, and then I gasped as my eyes darted around the room as I slowly stepped inside.
"This is my playroom Ana…"
"You have got to be fucking kidding me…"
Something drew me in to this dark and scary place. The red walls, the silk sheets, the large wooden bed. There were chains and straps, drawers holding god knows what. I was standing in the middle of this space and everything clicked into place. My inner goddess was wearing a leather body suit and cracking a whip. But my brain was saying get the fuck out of here you are in way over your head.
"So, uh… I don't know what to say Christian. How do you expect me to react?" I pulled the sheet up over my shoulders, wrapping my body like a cocoon, needing to feel safe and protected in this very unsafe place.
"Well, I am not really sure, you are the first person I have brought in here with out a signed contract."
"Contract for what?"
"I am a Dom, meaning I like power and control when having sex. I seek out Subs, women who like to be submissive during sex. We draw up a contract where terms are agreed upon…"
"Terms for fucking, likes dislikes, hard limits soft limits, my rules etcetera… They live here, in another part of the house and are accessible to me day and night." Terms for fucking, hard limits… These were thoughts and phrases I didn't need to have in my head. I just lost my virginity for crying out loud.
"So sex slaves…" His face dropped slightly, as he leaned against one of the dressers, his legs extended, arms crossed against his chest.
"No its not at all like that. It's an exchange of power."
"And pain right?"
"So you want to tie me up and spank me?" The words were heavy in my mouth. Pain, punishment, spanking. I felt weak in my knees. Of all the men, why did I have to fall for this one. Why couldn't I fall of Jose or Paul from the hardware store. Why was I so drawn to his danger and his pain.
"Yes…" His jaw tightened, and his voice was deep, full of want. I felt this urge to flee, to run away from him but my eet felt bolted to the floor, unable to move. I was already so attached to him, so wrapped up in him. I couldn't bare the thought of leaving him, not even for a second.
"How many what?"
"Subs have you had?" His face went ashen, as I held my breath waiting for his answer.
"Fifteen." I exhaled loudly, it was a smaller number then I thought. There have been fifteen women, in this room with him. Fifteen contracts. Fifteen women I now hated and was jealous of, envious of.
"And you want me to be sixteen?" Is that what I was to him just a number, another passing thing.
"No, I don't."
"So what do you want then Christian." I was losing my patience. He stood tall, his broad shoulder straight. His voice deepened his eyes blazing. I felt a shift in the air, as my body tightened and my ears began to ring.
"Right now, with you standing in this room. I want to tie you to that bed and fuck you…hard…"