Ninja Chronicles Halo- Redo
Chapter 1- Forerunner
After the disastrous first attempt and multiple minor re-do attempts that failed, I am trying again. It has been on hiatus long enough.
With the Naruto canon such a mess, it'll have to go Alternate Universe for Naruto. Some things that really bother me are- changing Hashirama's and Minato's personalities in a way that does not fit or making them too similar to other characters (more similar to Naruto in this case, a little too much for my taste). Another thing that really bothers me is how the Hyūga and Uchiha aren't rivals. Since the implication was strong in Part 1 by saying the Hyūga were the oldest clan of the Leaf, and also even Kakashi (who owes a lot to the Uchiha, his Sharingan being one thing) saying the Hyūga Byakugan is better in ways than the Sharingan. Another thing is how Naruto is made to be from a major clan. I have a fix for that since it breaks my favorite themes of Part 1. And also Part 2 breaks the themes of "one can fight fate".
And worst of all was killing my favorite character Neji Hyūga in such a badly done way to be a NaruHina cupid, bad move and bad writing.
As for the fanfic, I am changing quite a bit, changing things up. Also, I changed some things up for the Forerunner era so some Forerunner characters who may have or did die still live...
Credit for inspiration of the appearance of the Forerunners goes to VisceralLuster on Deviantart. I was greatly inspired by her drawing of a Forerunner. Which I felt was a much better design of a Forerunner.
As before, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. As another user by the name of Yemi Hikari said, "The phrase, "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" doesn't mean "if you don't have anything positive to say, don't say anything at all", it means "if you don't have anything polite to say, don't say anything at all". Telling someone the truth is not impolite, it is polite." Thus, I would greatly appreciate constructive criticism regarding-
Dialogue- very hard for me, though action tags helped me a lot
Emotions- want to be sure my characters are doing emotions properly. Will be taking a leaf out of Naruto's book- "No matter how hard one tries, one can't completely kill their emotions."
Description- it is not lack of description that troubles me, but over describing and causing checklist descriptions as a result. It stems from my fear of not describing at all and getting flamed and bashed as a result, and that borderline phobia comes from a time period of 2010-2012 where I got the worst of the trolling and jerk-ery from people for not describing.
Deep/3-D characters- after all, they're one of the important parts of an interesting story. So let me know if a character seems bland or boring. Though let me know if I go too far with a character and end up making them out of character even by "expansion of characterization" standards
Also let me know if my prose is too "bland" , basically not using enough of one or more of the 'five senses'. Also let me know if I make the prose too purple.
And if for some reason you get "turned off", don't be afraid to comment and explain. After all, if I don't know what is wrong with my story, how am I supposed to improve?
Onto the story...
100, 183 BCE
CE-117-2343, a distant star system thirty thousand light years from Erde-Tyrene
First-Light-Weaves-Living-Song, known by her title The Librarian smiled grimly. Another race indexed. Saved from the parasite. She looked out the viewport of the Lifeworker ship she was currently onboard.
First-Light, like most Forerunners, looked remarkably similar to Humans. However, in body shape and some external appearances only such as nose, ears, and the same number of limbs and digits. The similarities ended there. Forerunners had fuzz on their faces. Male Forerunners had fuzz down the back of the neck and the back of the hands.
First-Light's skin tone was pink, matching the color of the fuzz and her long flowing hair. Her eyes were violet and hid sadness.
She wore her Forerunner Personal Armor, colored gray. The glowing trim-lines of her armor betrayed her emotions, glowing gray to reflect her inner sadness.
The Forerunner-Flood war had been raging for 117 years.
The Flood were a terrible, ravenous parasite which fed upon anything living. Anything sentient became vectors for the parasite. Any non-sentient lifeforms became ways of attacking and assailing the Forerunners.
The Librarian couldn't help but shudder. On one world, the Flood had converted whale-like creatures into on-land forms. Warrior-Servants crying out for help while being swallowed alive after being ensnared by gigantic, long whip-tongues.
The tragedies didn't end there. With the life-forms indexed, she knew entire families had lost loved ones. They cried for those lost ones. Children who've lost entire families. Mothers and fathers who had lost all of their children and parents.
The thought made water well up in the Librarian's eyes and soon tears rolled.
She heard footsteps from behind and a hand was placed on her shoulder.
Genemender-Folder-of-Fortune, one of the Lifeworkers on her team, didn't need to see her face to see her distress. The hardlight lines on her armor were a very dull gray, the sign of depression, of deep sadness. Genemender himself was several hundred years younger than the Librarian. His skin tone was dark purple, fuzz was light blue and tinted with light green, and his shoulder-blade length light blue hair was tied in a ponytail.
Genemender-Folder-of-Fortune looked out the viewport window. "Stay strong. They need us. Without us, the Flood..." He shuddered, envisioning the parasite consuming all. "Would just have a buffet."
Genemender-Folder-of-Fortune learned of the composition of the planets in the system from Nature-Desires-Balance, another Lifeworker whom he was close friends with.
There are seven planets in the system. The first planet was a little too close to the sun and was hot but had life. None sentient. The second planet, the planet bearing sentient Tier 7 life similar to on Erde-Tyrene, was in the middle of the life zone of the system. The third planet was a bit too far away and was cold, but had non-sentient life. The fourth planet was a dead lifeless rock. There was indications it had life before that was adapted to the cold but some event killed off all life on the planet. The fifth planet was a large gas giant. The sixth planet was a gas giant with a very impressive ring system. The seventh planet is a cold gas giant, believed to have been an extrasolar capture which had occurred thirty million years ago.
After the Halo Array fired, cleansing all life in the galaxy and starving the Flood, the Forerunners had to reintroduce life back to the galaxy.
Humans were first, sent back to their homeworld Earth.
The sentient lifeforms they found in CE-117-2343 were returned to their homeworld forty two years after Reintroduction started.
The last race was the San'Shyuum a hundred and seventeen years after the start of Reintroduction.
The second planet from the star in CE-117-2343 would eventually become the world Naruto Uzumaki knows a hundred thousand years later.
99, 880 BCE
A space station near Installation 04
Genemender-Folder-of-Fortune looked out the observation port at the Halo in the distance.
The war was finally over, but at a terrible cost.
Their best commander, Shadow-of-Sundered-Star who is best known as the Didact, had completely shattered after the firing of the Array. And had went into stasis for 'all of time' until he was needed again or if his wife was still alive.
The Librarian was presumed dead, everyone believed she was trapped on Erde-Tyrene when the Halo Array fired.
After the Reintroduction, many of the surviving Forerunners went to Path Kethona, also known as the Large Magellanic Cloud, as a form of exile. Believing they had interfered with the galaxy too much and having had to use such terrible weapons to end the war.
In short, they had failed as guardians of the galaxy.
Some Forerunners chose to go into stasis within the Milky Way, in case if something happens. Very few did, numbering only twenty. Genemender himself, Maker-of-Moons, Glory-of-a-Far-Dawn, and Walking-in-Light-of-Falling-Stars were four of those twenty.
It was one of the common group setups- a Warrior, Lifeworker, Builder, and Engineer. The most useful if they awaken tens or hundreds of thousands of years down the line.
Maker-of-Moons approached Genemender. "Its all ready."
Genemender nodded. Time for our long sleep.
Soon, all four Forerunners were in stasis field pods, preserved until they were needed again.
One hundred thousand years would pass them by, the passage unnoticed by the sleeping occupants.