A/N: Hello there readers! Thank you for clicking on this story! This is my first one-shot for my one of my OTPs, PruCan! Yeah, so, um, I'm not really sure if this is really that great. Constructive reviews are needed!
Warning: Shonen-ai, attempt of suicide, angsty at first, but I guess you could call the ending fluffy confessions. If you do not like gay pairings, PLEASE DO NOT READ. If you do not like gay pairings, DO NOT WRITE NEGATIVE REVIEWS. I mean, if you don't like my writing, then it's fine (well...I prefer constructive critisisme), but if it's because you dislike gay couples, then don't write flames!
Thank you again for reading this fic!
Looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, he stared at his pale skin, and deep, crimson red eyes. His white hair flew everywhere, looking like his usual, messy hair style. He doesn't look like he's dying. The look on his face didn't look like he was empty inside. But, of course he wouldn't.
He's fucking Prussia, for goodness sake! The one and only Gilbert Beilshmidt. He's the self-proclaimed awesome nation! He's part of the Bad Touch Trio, along with his buddies France and Spain! He was the obnoxious, loud-mouthed, out-going ex-nation, who swore to take over the other nation's vital region! Nowhere in his awesome face could one see a hint of depressed, hurt, lonely, or suicidal thoughts. All they would get is a cocky grin, and determined eyes.
Yet, now that he was all alone in the locked bathroom, without his little yellow bird perched on him, all he could see is nothing. All he could see is a nation. A nation, that is, in fact, no longer a nation anymore ever since WWII. Dissolved into thin air. He was no longer a single nation. His land has been divided amongst neighbouring countries.
So, it comes to say, what was the point of having he around? What was the point of Prussia still living? He is no longer a nation, which means he no longer has anything to do. He shouldn't even exist in the first place, but he is miraculously still living.
He kept staring at himself, eyes showing his many thoughts. What's the point in having me here? He always repeated that question. Right after he gets home from a World Conference, he would lie in bed, and do some real thinking. I'm not even a nation anymore. What's the point of me attending those boring-ass meetings? Heck, what's the point of even being here? I do nothing at all. All I do is lounge around. He even admitted to the fact that he was plain useless.
The more he stared at himself, the more he hated himself. Who was he kidding? He had his time to be high and mighty. And now, he's just there. There for no fucking reason. No one really gave a damn about him. He was a nuisance to everyone. He annoyed the hell out of most of the countries out there. No one gave a damn if he was there or not. They go to the extent to ignoring him, to escape his annoyance. His voice. His burden. His hatred. They ignored him. They don't even try to look behind that out-going mask he always wore.
"What would happen if I were to die?" he asked his reflection. His reflection just stared back, with angst in his eyes.
"Would people care?" he continued, ignoring the fact that he was talking out loud to himself. "Would anyone, other than West, mourn my death? Hmph, look at me! Talking about such an un-awesome topic! Like, seriously Gilbert! Of course people will cry!"
No, said a sudden vile voice in his head.
Who the fuck are you?
Nobody would care.
Seriously, what's this voice in my head?
Nobody would care if you're gone or if you stay.
Face the fact Gilbert. Nobody cares. They pay attention to you only because you are loud. Nobody likes you. Not even the person you like cares about you.
You must live with it. Not even Matthew likes you.
Matthew Williams…also known as Canada. It was fate that Gilbert was to meet him. Out of all the countries he has met, Matthew was by far the sweetest one out of them all. Matthew was one of the sole reasons why he even attended the meetings. He enjoyed his company…mainly because he doesn't complain about Gilbert's ranting about being awesome. He was also a great source of food. Every now and then, Gilbert would have swing by his place to eat the pancakes he always made, with his famous maple syrup. He considered them as totally awesome…other than him of course. After spending more and more time with him, Gilbert found so many awesome things about Matthew that no one else has. His blonde hair, with a long, weird (yet adorable) curl, which framed his face. His bright blue-violet eyes, that is always kind and welcoming. The whisper that he uses to calm others. The way he smiles that small, sweet smile.
He always wondered why they would mistake him for America. Obviously, Matthew is one hundred times cuter that Alfred could ever be. He's smarter. Gentle. Has a better body…! Er, what he meant was that he was just awesome all together. One day, it just hit Gilbert. While he was sitting lazingly on the couch, watching Matthew make pancakes, it just hit him.
For an odd reason, Gilbert felt like Matthew felt the same way towards him. He didn't know for sure, but he had a feeling. He caught Matthew glance at him a few times. Then again, one could say that Matthew caught Gilbert looking at him many times. Gilbert figured it's a great thing that he fell for Matthew. He used to have a hate-love thing going on for Hungary, but quickly gave up because it's obvious that she still seems to care about Austria. Gilbert was positive that Matthew felt the same way, by how he behaved nicely around him. But, then again, Matthew behaved that way towards others. Although, Gilbert is one those few rare people who saw Matthew's true rage and what-not. Gilbert even tried dropping some hints by complimenting him and even flirts with him a bit. But, either Matthew is too innocent to know what flirting is, thick headed, or just ignores them all completely.
No he said to himself…That's a lie.
Whatever you say, loser. Think about it, you are unnecessary to the world.
Just shut up!
No, I won't. You must know the truth.
SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!
You want me to get out of your head? Fine. Take out your pocket knife.
…Just do what I said.
Must I remind you of all of your flaws? You want me to leave? Then why don't you feel pain? That would make your worries go away.
For some reason, Gilbert became hypnotised by the thought, and made his way towards his pocket knife, which was kept in his pocket. He tried his best not to flip it open. The voice kept talking.
You're worthless. You're unnecessary. Nobody cares for you. Nobody likes you. Admit it. Face the fact. Feel the pain. Do it.
I SAID SHUT FUCK UP!
Never. Worthless. Nobody. Unnecessary to the world all together. A nuisance to every-
All that happened next was a bit of a blur. After a millisecond, Gilbert felt a pain slashed on his arm. He looked down, to meet a red liquid that dripped and stained the once white floor. He fell to his knees, and looked blankly straight ahead. His whole body was shaking, and he was breathing deep breaths.
He kept staring at the wound. Should he stop it? No. Even though it hurt, he felt a wave of relief wash upon him. Like his sorrows has escaped from his wound. He raises the knife again, and places it on his ivory skin. He slowly let it glide across his arm. More blood started to come out. The more he did it, the more voice in his head is slowly disappearing. The more he did it, the more it brought tears to his eyes. The more he did it, the more he felt the need to finish himself off.
Gilbert stared at his bloody left arm, at how it flowed constantly. It hurts. It hurts inside. He needed to get rid of the feeling. He needed to get rid of whatever the hell was inside of him. He needed to cut his way through his body. He slowly raised the pocket knife, thinking of where to place it next on his body.
But, before he can do anything, there were suddenly the sounds of footsteps that drew near the bathroom door. Before he could even have the chance to get up, the door opened slowly.
"Um…G-Gilbert? Are you in here? Sorry for intruding, but, um…" Shit. Gilbert knew that small, quiet voice too well. Out of all the people who could walk in- out of all the people to find out that he was cutting himself- it had to be Matthew. As a sudden reaction, Gilbert quickly put his arms behind him, trying to hide the evidence. No…not Matthew. Please don't come in. He wasn't able to say anything at all.
That didn't work out as well as planned. There was already blood on the tiles, and it stained the white shirt that he had on. Gilbert tried his best not to look at Matthew's reaction. He tilted his head down, looking away, trying to hide his guilt.
"G-Gilbert?" said the quiet, shaking whisper. "W-what ha-happened? Why is there b-blood on your shirt and…" the voice trailed off, as if he finally pieced everything together. Gilbert finally had the guts to see Matthew's face. He regretted ever even cutting himself instantly; forget about regretting to look up.
It seemed that Matthew didn't bring his polar bear with him. He wasn't holding anything on him. All he had was a distressed look on his face. He looked like he was going to crumple at the sight of seeing Gilbert at his state. His violet eyes were holding tears, and he was obviously trying to fight them back, but they easily rolled down both of his cheeks.
Walking slowly, he sat in front of Gilbert, forcing his arms out in front. His eyes widen at the bloody sight, as his hands were painted with Gilbert's blood. He tried to force his arms out of Matthew's hands, but he had an iron grip. It hurts. It truly did hurt. The more he tried to get out, the more his grip tightened, causing his blood to flow quickly and widening the cuts.
Matthew quickly took off the sweater he was wearing and wiped away the blood. Tears kept welling up and escaping his eyes, causing some to land on Gilbert's arms.
"…" For some reason, Matthew suddenly got up, and got out his cell phone.
"What are you doing?" Gilbert asked, finally finding his voice. Matthew kept quiet for a moment, and dialed three numbers.
"…Calling the hospital…" he said quietly, about to press the call button. Gilbert got up quickly and grabbed the phone out of his hands. He clicked the end button, looking at Matthew furiously.
"Don't fucking do that! What are you, stupid?" Gilbert regretted the words, but there was no way is he going to land in the hospital. The last thing he needs is for the other nations to brand him as mentally unstable.
"You're bleeding is heavy! Of course I'm going to call them!" Matthew whispered-yelled and tried to get the phone out of his hands. All Gilbert did was throw the phone out of the bathroom, making it hit the wall opposite of the door hard. That action made Matthew whimper a bit, and more tears started to sprout out.
"If ya want, just get out the stupid first-aid kit or something! Not like I give a damn!" He plopped himself on the bathroom floor, looking away, with an irritated face. Matthew just kept staring, and went to the washroom's cabinet to fish out the first aid kit.
He started to stop the bleeding, and bandaging his arms. They both remained silent during the procedure. They wouldn't say anything; or, at least, they couldn't. Gilbert just couldn't find his voice, and Matthew looked like he was thinking a million thoughts.
"Matthew…" Gilbert began, stopping to think what to say next. "I'm sorry…" Matthew didn't say anything for a while. He wrapped up the roll, and held Gilbert's arm in his hand.
"…Why?" said a small, cracked whisper. From where he was, Gilbert could see fresh new tears fall suddenly. "Why…d-did you…"
"Because," Gilbert said, with angst in his voice. He paused, trying to think of ways to explain. It's not like Matthew would understand. But, he felt the terrible need to talk. "I am not needed in this world anymore. I'm not a nation anymore. So…" he stopped, trying to hold back tears that threatened to come out. "It's not necessary for me to be here. I'm worthless. It's not like anyone would care, anyway. I may as well die…"
He felt a sudden pair of arms wrap around him quickly wrap around him. He was engulfed in warmth of another, and it felt…safe. He realise that it was Matthew who was hugging him so closely. He could feel tears run down his shirt, and hear sounds of sobbing.
"N-no," Matthew began, placing his face into Gilbert's shoulder. "No, y-you're wrong. Y-you're not worthless. You are necessary. People do care about you...There are people who can't t-think of losing you. There is someone who needs you to be there…always there by their side…Why would you think that way? It's not true. It never will be. S-So please! Don't think that way! Please…"
"Don't think about leaving me,"
Gilbert just stared ahead, eyes wide open, taking everything in. He felt like he was stabbed in the heart, and it brought so much pain to him. He wrapped his arms around Matthew in return, placing his face on the crook of his neck. He stroked Matthew's blonde hair, as if he was not only comforting him, but himself. Although this was an obvious weird gesture, neither didn't care. Gilbert felt nice there, and he let go of his pride, and he started to sputter out words.
"I'm sorry… I didn't want you…I just…I'm so sorry…" After a long time of tears spilling, their eyes dried up. They soon just sat there like that. It was a nice silence, of course. A loving silence. But, it soon became awkward. They were just friends. Why were they hugging each other like that?
"Um, Matt…" Gilbert started, thinking of what to say. He was in full bliss, but he knew that it was just wrong to hug you're male friend for more than 30 seconds.
"Hmm?" Matthew said, not caring, and not wanting to let go. He soon realised what was going on, and let go of Gilbert a bit forcefully, his face flustered. "Ah! I-I'm s-sorry!"
"N-no, it's fine," Gilbert said, looking away, trying to restrain the blush that grew from his cheeks. He didn't want to let him go. He felt a hand was place on his arm. Matthew forced a small smile on his face.
"S-so, you understand right?" Matthew said softly. "That there are people who want you to stay…That is someone there that needs you. R-right?" Gilbert simply nodded, feeling cold all of a sudden. He felt a chilly silence fall upon them. He quickly thought of what to say, so there was no awkward silence.
"…What brought you here earlier?"
"O-Oh! I was just, um," Matthew started, fidgeting his own shirt. "Y-you didn't came earlier…you know, for pancakes…and I was kind of worried and, uh, bought this new brand of maple syrup! It tasted really good, so I, ah…wanted to give you some…it's in the kitchen, and, ah…" his voice trailed off, as if not knowing what to do next. Gilbert stood up on his feet slowly, and reached out to grab Matthew's arms. Although his arms hurt a bit, he was able to pull Matthew up.
"Really, now? So, is the adorable you going to cook pancakes for the awesome me now?" Matthew nodded his head, flustered, and was about to drag both of them down the stairs. "Ah, wait. You're shirt…" Without hesitating, Gilbert simply took off his white shirt.
"Is this alright?" Gilbert asked the now red Canadian, with a smirk.
"Y-you should put on an s-shirt!" Matthew exclaimed, but Gilbert soon just took Matthew's hand and started to walk downstairs. It's so cute whenever Mattie blushes…
His hand was tight around Matthew's hand. They weren't intertwined or anything. He then let go of Matthew, who decided to go straight to the kitchen and make the promised pancakes.
It was as if the whole thing that happened before didn't even happen. It was as if they haven't witnessed blood or anything. Gilbert is trying to forget what just happened. Forget that just a moment ago, he was bleeding, and saw the one that he holds precious to him cry. He just forgot. He never want that hellish event to ever happen again.
Gilbert, easily getting bored, decided to sit on the floor near the kitchen door. He looked inside as he found his lovely friend making him food. He, however, grimaced, for he liked how he hugged back in the bathroom floor. He continued to stare at Matthew, until he finally decided to call the Canadian over.
"Psst!" Gilbert beckoned, making a gesture for Matthew to come. Matthew looked at him curiously, and stopped mixing the pancake mix. He placed the bowl on the counter, and casually walked up to Gilbert.
"Yes Gilbert?" He asked sweetly. "What is it? And, why are you sitting on the floor?"
"Sit down." Gilbert ordered bluntly, pointed in front of him.
"Fine. Come with me," he said, grabbing his hand and leading him to the living room. He immediately plopped himself on the floor, trying to pull Matthew down in front of him. After a minute, Matthew gave in and just sat down.
"What is that you want?" Without any warning, Gilbert simply wrapped his arms around the lower back of Matthew, and brought them into a tight hug. Gilbert put his head deeper into his friends shoulder. Matthew let out a sudden yelp.
"G-G-G-Gilbert!" the boy cried, obviously flustered from this gesture. Matthew won't deny it. He really liked the hug. But, they aren't anything more than friends. What Gilbert seems to be implying is that they are more.
"W-w-what are you d-doing?!" he stuttered quickly.
"Hugging you. What else does it look like?"
"I like hugging you."
"Er…uh…y-you're fine with that?"
"Yeah…" Matthew couldn't help but wrap his arms around Gilbert's shoulder in return.
"But, this is strange, eh…"
"Not at all…" after a moment, Gilbert started to think back a little. About what Matthew said. What did he say again? Right. "Say, Matthew…"
"You said that I was needed in this world…and there is someone who needed me…who's that?" Gilbert could feel Matthew twitch a bit, but he couldn't tell why he did that.
"Could it be you?" Gilbert could feel him tense up a bit, so he chuckled a bit. "I was just joking!" Matthew still remained quiet. This silence made Gilbert curious. "Matt…does you love anyone at the moment?"
"What's with these sudden questions, Gil?" He muttered.
"Oh, just wondering," he replied as innocently as he possibly could.
"…" Matthew was having an internal conflict with himself whether to tell Gilbert or not. Should I tell him? He'd laugh at me…Or worse, he won't be my friend anymore…Should I? Shouldn't I?
"Promise not to laugh? I'll just give a description…" Gilbert nodded, suddenly making sure his ears are tuning in. Hey, Matthew may leave a valuable hint.
"Wait, it's a he," Gilbert said, surprised. He knew Matthew had a…different flare to him. He'd never guessed that he was gay, thought. Although, he was always nice to both male and female, so it made no difference. He doesn't show many emotions to others.
"Y-yeah," Matthew expected Gilbert to forcefully let go of him. But he didn't. Instead, he could have sworn he heard him grow a grin on his face. He continued. "Uh, he's…tall? Well, he's kind of taller than me. I'm not really sure. He always wears boots that make him taller than me. He's…a handful? Well, to his brother he is. Um, he likes to take over other nation's regions- He used to that, that is. He used to be a nation, but he's not anymore. Now a day, he stays at home and 'cause some kind of trouble. He'll type on his blog, and read through his previous journals…He…is really handsome. With his crimson eyes, and almost snow-white hair... he's one of the cutest guys I've ever seen. He's also, er, well-build, I guess."
That sounds like a certain someone, Gilbert thought proudly to himself. He wasn't for sure if he was talking about him, but that description seems really familiar. Not wanting to make assumptions, he interrupted Matthew.
"What do you like about him?"
"Eh…What really caught my eye was how he is one of the only people to actually remember my name, and not mistake me for Alfred. He actually remembers me! That took me by surprise, especially when he called Matthew the second time we met. He talked to me normally. Soon, he got into a fight with other nations. He stood up for me, too, when others forgot I was there. He always told me to try speaking out and trying being outgoing at times. Yet, at the same time, he said he that he liked the way I am. He always complimented me for some reason, and I caught him looking at me a few times. I thought…I thought that he like me too. But, I wasn't for sure. I don't even know how he feels about me. He calls me awesome and adorable and says my pancakes are awesome as well…but, that never told me for sure if he loved me. I really want to tell him how I feel, but…I don't know…B-but…"
"I never realised it until now that he had so many thoughts in his head. That he couldn't think of living anymore. That he thought no one cared, but there actually is someone there that cares. That truly loved him for him. I-I never expected him to…If only I knew before, maybe I would have told him sooner. So he can have a sense that there is someone there. Hopefully, he understands now that there is someone there for him. Yearning for him…Wishing for him to realise that…" Matthew started to trail of, embarrassed of what he just said. "Uh, I think I should go back to the kitchen…"
Matthew started to get up, but was quickly pulled down by the force of the Prussian.
"No, wait," Gilbert muttered. If Gilbert's assumption was right, then Matthew is most likely talking about him. Only one way to find out for sure. "What is one word that he describes himself as?"
Gilbert obviously knew the answer. If he was right, then Matt would say that one word. Matthew stuttered, trying his best to say the word. He didn't want to say it. It would totally give away who it is. But, he did want to tell him. Badly. About how he feels. And, after what just happened, he wanted to let Gilbert know that there is someone there for him. Truly and forever would stay by him. He wanted to let him know, so he doesn't get depressed or anything.
"Awesome," he said quietly, with a small smile. Now, he was expecting Gilbert to push him away in disgust. But, instead, he heard Gilbert chuckle.
"Y-you promised not to laugh!" Matthew cried, trying to hold out tears that were going to fall out. This is embarrassing…he thought to himself. He felt like crawling under the bland sofa that was in the living room and never come out.
"I-I'm not laughing!" Gilbert said. "I was just chuckling because of…oh man! This is crazy!" Gilbert decided to look at Matthew's face, when he found his small Canadian looking down, biting his bottom lip, and look like he was about to cry. Matthew quickly took off his glasses, and placed his hands over his face, trying to hide the tears of embarrassment and the crimson blush that appeared and won't disappear. Although he was crying, Gilbert couldn't help but think how cute he was in that position.
Gilbert smile softly, and slip his hands underneath Matthew's hands. He cupped his face gently, and wiped the tears with his thumb. Matthew, in turn, held on to his hands, not really trying to take his grasp off.
"Hey," he whispered softly and placed his forehead on Matthew's forehead. He stared deeply in his violet coloured eyes. "Don't cry. You know, it's totally awesome that you would love someone as awesome as me. Do want to know how the awesome me feels about you?" Gilbert didn't wait for a response, and just wrapped his arms around Matthew. He placed his head on his soft, blonde hair. "Dammit Mattie. I don't know whether to say it out bluntly, or just say it slowly. Ahem. Uh, so, I've got to say, um…I…no wait, let me start again…. Okay."
"When I first met you, you were so…so…I don't know how to explain it. Um, I knew you were awesome, obviously, because you make pancakes and always have maple syrup, and those things are just plain fucking awesome! But, not as awesome as you. So, after I soon realise how there is more to you that meets the eyes. You are so fucking adorable, yet scary when angered and have a hockey stick in hand. So many things…I've seen so many wonderful things about you…so many…and soon, I realised that I wanted you. I needed you. You are so…damn. But, I thought you didn't feel the same. And I let my feelings for you stir up with my own stupid problems, thinking that no one gave two shits whether I was there or not. I don't know what came over me earlier. Shit. Just thinking about it…How could I think that way? I was so stupid…So foolish to think that way…Anyway, to sum it all up, if you truly want to know how I feel for you, and then I'll say it because I am awesome to say it first."
Gilbert gently pulled Matthew closer and wrapped his left arm around Matthew's waist. His arm automatically twitched from the pain from his arm. However, he really didn't give a damn. With his right hand, he cupped Matthew's face, and his fingers twirled around strands of his strawberry blonde hair. He slowly closed his eyes, and leaned in, just a millimetre away from Matthew's lips.
"Ich liebe dich, Matthew," he whispered sweetly, and leaned fully in to gently place his lips over Matthew's. Matthew was taken by full surprise, and gasped, leaving his mouth partly open and lavender eyes wide. It took Matthew a second to take what was happening all in. And it took him a second to tighten his arms around Gilbert's shoulder and deepen the kiss.
They finally broke off when they both desperately needed air. Both faces were flushed red, and both were taking deep breaths. Gilbert's red eyes looked intently into Matthew's violet eyes. He smirked.
"So what?" Matthew asked innocently.
"Are you going to say it?"
"Mattie, seriously?" Matthew laughed at how serious Gilbert sounded.
"Fine…Gilbert, je t'aime. I love you," Matthew whispered. Then he added, "And, as I said before, I would always be there for you, if you need someone." Gilbert smile, and leaned in for another long kiss.
"Thank you.Ich liebe dich."
"I love you too." And he leaned in.
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